Sheltering - Part 3

Like I said yesterday, this is the 2nd part of Holly's sheltering post. I found it very interesting. Enjoy. Again, you can go to the comments section of the past 2 days to see more discussion that continues.

We have dear friends who sheltered their children immensely during the childhood years. They did a marvelous job of loving and nurturing, of instilling respect and manners, cheerfulness and loyalty.

They maintained strict control until their first child reached the age of 16. They suddenly realized, “this child is almost finished with high school.” They panicked, because their dream for their daughter (and hers) centered on the medical field, and obviously meant college. She was an extremely bright child, had always been home schooled, and was ready to graduate early. They had done nothing, and I mean nothing, to prepare her to enter life at a secular university. They had worked to preserve her heart, and that was necessary – but they had kept her so far from the world they wanted her to enter and hopefully impact.

They dropped the reins, immediately. She earned her driver’s license, and was given complete freedom. She took outside employment, began taking college classes simultaneously with her senior year of high school, and began making her own decisions on almost every level.

The young woman was completely shell-shocked. Her world had changed overnight. On the one hand she became giddy with freedom, but on the other she was almost frozen and indecisive. She performed well below her educational abilities. She struggled to find her way for a few years. While I am happy to say that she is doing well now, and is a wonderful girl…it was a good lesson for my husband and I as we observed from a distance. We were left saying, “There has to be a better way.”

Some parents shelter completely, never wanting to release their young adults until they marry. Some parents don’t shelter at all – perhaps not knowing that they even have a right or responsibility to do so.

Our children are in the early “teen” years, and while I usually choose to use the words “young adult” instead of teen, I will use it here because that is how most of the world refers to those who are 13-18 years of age. We are still in process as a family, but we are able to see the goal.

We desire to raise young people who are spiritually, emotionally and mentally healthy. They will leave our nest at some point, although we aren’t in any hurry to send them off. College is not a pre-determined point. We imagine that some will go and some will not. When they do step out on their own, whether to college, or to marry, or to work, our goal is to have them firmly grounded in a relationship with Jesus Christ. We desire that they seek hard after God, live lives that will draw others to Him, and influence their world….instead of being influenced by the world.

How does this look practically? I wrote a few posts ago about our methods with children from birth to age 12 or so. From there, so much depends upon the individual child, and his strengths or weaknesses. This is such a large topic - there are so many aspects to cover - whether to shelter your teens or not, if so, how much? And when to free the reins a bit? One area that I am prepared to elaborate on is the area of work, and the balance between freedom and responsibility. This of course is only one portion of our philosophy, but it is an important one.

Responsibility has to be earned before freedom is granted. Children have to have opportunities to serve, before they can gain responsibility. Our two eldest sons volunteer weekly at our local library. It is an unpaid position – carefully chosen, with adults that we know and trust. They have other opportunities to apprentice under other trusted friends. In the summer they hoe weeds from beans and in the winter they clean machinery during sugar beet harvest for friends who farm. They help set up and tear down tables and chairs for the senior group at church. They work alongside my husband and me, and other Christian friends, and yearly we can see how they grow in ability to bear responsibility. They learn to easily interact with non-family members, to carry themselves with confidence, to set priorities, to complete their work, to carry an increasingly heavier load. We fully expect that they will remain cheerful while doing so, and maintain excellent family relationships.

In fact, the maintenance of family relationships is of primary importance to us. If my children could recite “mama’s mantra,” it would be…”Friendship begins at home.” This means that even a teen must be friends with his siblings, and must treat them properly and respectfully. If they can’t do this, they don’t even need to think about being able to work for someone else, or to attend other functions they wish to attend. So far, it is a wonderful motivator.

My daughter, at 11, is just on the cusp of being ready to work for someone else. She has begun helping a young mom with six children once a week. It is not for pay, yet. Once she becomes a valuable worker, she may hire out. For now, she is working alongside another mother, alleviating her work load. This other mother is helping us out, as well, by offering a steady hand and oversight to a girl in training. My daughter has learned to work alongside me, and she is ready for the next step. Why do I think it is necessary for a young person to learn to work for someone else? I think it instills a sense of accomplishment within them. When they can do a good job, and receive sincere praise for it, they gain confidence. They learn how other families function. They gain invaluable work experience. There is little chance they will ever end up on the welfare rolls if they learn to work hard at a young age. We are extremely careful to selectively choose their work situations.

As our teens mature in responsibility and ability, we gradually increase their freedom to choose various things. They are able to stay up later, help plan their educational direction, plan how to spend their money (but that follows much training over the years, as well), make clothing choices, free time expenditure, etc. If they stop making wise choices, we know it is time to pull back, to do a little soul searching and retraining. Parenting is a paradox in this circumstance – you need to set the bar incredibly high, and expect them to reach it. Conversely, you must realize that there will be times they mess up. A wise parent will reach toward that teen with love, compassion, mercy, and a helping hand. Then you set them back on the path to try again. They must be ever growing, ever reaching toward the goal.

We hope and pray to gradually guide our teens toward the years they will be on their own, responsible for themselves and for their potential families. They need to be mature and ready by the time they leave our home. They need to be solidly grounded in Christ. They need to know how to interact with non-Christians, to be strong, yet compassionate. They need to be wise, discerning, so that they will not be subtly seduced by wealth, materialism, sensuality, power, popularity, or a myriad of temptations.

This doesn’t just happen by letting them sit in front of the television, or video game, or by leaving them alone for vast amounts of time. It doesn’t happen by letting their friends take primary influence over their lives. It doesn’t happen by taking your hands off too early during the teen years. It takes great parental investment….oh, and time. But the rewards, so far, are well worth it. By now, you know that I firmly believe it is easier to build a child than to fix a man. We look forward to the years to come.