So Glad to be Married to You

(First of all, really quickly...still feeling fine. Just wanted to let you know. I am all back to normal...motivation and all. Thanks so much for prayers. Still no results from the doctor and we have our Doppler thing this afternoon...I'll let you know all about that tomorrow)

I mentioned in our story (the story of how me and Joel got together) a while back about how I’d gone out with that guy right after high school for about 3 ½ years. I said how it had taken me about 4 years to be healed of that. But, funny thing...I still dream about it sometimes like it was yesterday that we broke up. They are horrible, very vivid and real dreams. I feel the rejection and loneliness all over again. I feel completely lost and like I don’t know what to do with myself. I ache and long for him...all over again. I am SO VERY SAD in these dreams. When I wake up, that’s immediately what I say to Joel: “I’m so glad to be married to you.” :-)

It’s a joke now. I say that and we laugh and he says, “Another one?” I used to get really irritated by them though. We used to pray after each one...praying for complete deliverance from it, etc. Some would say (and some did actually say) that I wasn’t completely over it, wasn’t completely healed...that that was why I continued to have these dreams. Of course in my awake times, I felt completely over it. Honestly, it still made me sad to think about that time (still does to a certain extent), but I think that’s because it’s about a broken relationship. Broken relationships in general are sad things. But, we heeded their words, continued to pray about it, and in the end came to the conclusion that that was not the case...I was, in fact, healed.

So why those blasted dreams? :-) Well, after we came to the conclusion that I was healed and it wasn’t because of that, I think that God showed me 2 things:

1. Let me tell you, I can definitely relate to the brokenhearted after one of those dreams. There’s nothing like going through something yourself to actually give you the ability to empathize with others. It’s been, hmm, let’s see...12 years now (whoa...that’s incredible that it was that long ago) since we broke up. Over time, even though you have the experience, that feeling fades...esp. when you’ve been completely healed by God anyway. I don’t feel it at all, ever, on a day-to-day basis. If I’m talking to someone going through something similar, of course I can drudge up those feelings that I felt, but still...a very real dream that makes me feel like I am still even in it...that’ll do it.

2. It does give some incredible motivation to share that it doesn’t have to be that way...to share what I learned about dating and all after the “big break-up.” I have to interject here that even though, in my life, it was a “big break-up” because it was the catalyst for so many things changing in my life, it was not a bitter thing. We happened to both be very mature about it. I was brokenhearted, he knew he wasn’t supposed to be with me anymore, but was very, very kind to me. He didn’t want to hurt me but knew he had to do what he did...yada yada yada. He was and is a great guy...I don’t want to paint a bad, “I’m the victim” picture. It was obviously the right thing to happen. He came to our wedding, we went to his wedding. We are not in contact unless we see each other (we are both from Saline), but when we do see each other, we just talk like all of my other old friends talk when we see each other, catching up. It’s funny...I’m sure that if we were in constant contact, he and Joel would be very good friends. And I love his super duper cute and sweet wife. She is very friendly. It definitely all shows great confidence, security, and maturity on our spouses’ parts too...to be so totally fine with it all. I just wanted to make it all clear...how it is now. But, back to the dreams...it is real motivation to show and tell others about the way it can be. Even though he was a great guy and I had a great time with him for those years, was I ever really supposed to be in that kind of relationship with him in the first place? Could the heartbreak have all been avoided? I did think that I was actually going to marry him and that’s really why I started going out with him in the first place, but did I really take that to God or decide that on my own? I didn’t really take it to God. Did I have any mentors speaking into my life (esp. ones that saw dating differently than the world’s way) that I asked their advice and opinions? No. Anyway...like I said, major motivation to keep spreading the word about a different way to all that are interested.

So, now we just laugh about my dreams. And, definitely take into account and appreciate them for what they are...a reminder, a motivation, a help in relating to others and really bearing others’ burdens. Although I am no longer brokenhearted, there are tons of brokenhearted people all around me all the time (all around all of us). It’s good to be reminded of those feelings from time to time. Of course, it also makes me really grateful for what I do have too. And as I told Joel this morning (to which he just laughed), I’m so very thankful.