Unspeakable

Losing a child...it's unspeakable isn't it? It's a horrible, horrible, tragic thing. I can't even imagine...and don't want to.

I told you about how this time around (after having a baby) my fears seemed to be a little more heightened than usual. I think it always happens and I think it's a bit normal even. From your comments when I posted that, my opinion about it being normal must be true. This time it was just a little more intense.

And, this time around there's been something very specific that I've been a little freaky about. Nothing has changed in my actions necessarily. Joel had no idea until I told him...so, you know...not like I'm walking around in a freaky state at all times.

Anyway, what have my heightened fears entailed? 4 little letters: SIDS. I've thought about it with each baby...what mother doesn't think about it at times when she lays her baby down to sleep? This time it went a little further than thoughts though...it went into fearland. Not immobilizing fear...and thankfully I was aware to get a grip on it and not let it get out of hand. Who knows...maybe it was necessary and we took steps because of it that were needed (for instance, we never place her on her belly and we did the other babies...maybe that's a God thing for her safety where with the others we felt totally at peace with belly-sleeping). Anyway, it has been interesting and thank God for His peace and comfort.

But, I did email a friend of mine. They were missionaries in China for several years...just came back about a year ago for the time being. I met her when she was pregnant with her 4th child...her 4th boy. She had the baby during a furlough and returned to China. We were informed in church one Sunday morning that we needed to pray for that family. That 4th child had been found lifeless in his crib. He was 3 months old.

Anyway, I emailed her and just asked her experience. There has been one time when fears got the best of me and satan really won out. It was when I was really, really isolated in a new place and separated from friends. Yikes. Seems like my life now fits that bill, right? Thank God I came through that and am better for it...I recognize satan's attacks and attempts to thwart God's plans in my life and am able to battle. In fact, I loved how my friend worded it in her return email to me. She simply said "You are in a war!" So very true. Every single second of our lives we are...we are in a war. Some days, years, seasons of our lives it may be more tangible than others. But, that's what we are involved in...a war.

There are a couple of families that I know of who are very tangibly feeling that wartime status these days. I don't know these families personally at all, but each has touched my life in ways unspeakable. Be praying for them.

This is old news, but Steven Curtis Chapman and family lost their youngest daughter in an extremely tragic accident last week. They were all at their home in the Nashville area celebrating the engagement of their oldest daughter which had happened just hours before. They had the graduation of one of their sons to attend in a few days. They were having a great time I'm sure when unspeakable tragedy happened...one of their sons accidentally ran over little Maria in the driveway. The song Cinderella really plays strong now. And I can't imagine the thoughts satan is planting in that son's head. Talk about a battle. You can read more about their family and get updates on this blog if you are interested.

Secondly, Angie (the wife of Todd who sings in the group Selah) is quite the writer. She VERY eloquently and touchingly has written about her journey in losing a baby in this blog. Lest you think it is a depressing or morbid blog...no...quite the contrary. You will be challenged and encouraged if you choose to read even some of these posts. If not, she will most likely have a book out in the near future. But, this week Todd's sister (also used to sing with Selah) lost her baby as well. Her little boy, Luke, born March 18th (just a week before Cass), was found lifeless in his crib...yes, SIDS.

Please be praying for these families in their loss. So horrible. They are so strong in their faith and trust in God. Their lives are blowing me away these days.

Losing a child is a horrible thought. I was visited by these thoughts even before I had children. When my little brother was very small sometimes the thought would run through my head, "what if something happens to him." It was a paralyzing thought in that moment. But, we all have to just do continually what I did then, over and over. Be close to Jesus. Leave these thoughts and concerns at His feet. He holds us, comforts us, lifts us up...even when the unspeakable happens. Pray that these families continue to experience Jesus' presence and comfort and even peace amidst all the chaos of these days. He does know...all there is to know. In that we can find confidence and strength and that anchor to keep us still when all around us is tossing in the waves.