Some of you may wonder why I post such things. But, this blog has turned out to be more important to me than just keeping you all informed about our mission work and daily lives. This will eventually be turned into a book (a blog book that is...anyone can get them from blurb.com or other similar places) and it serves as basically our family story. I love the idea of having these around for our kids to enjoy and see our lives transparently, the things we went through, good and bad. So, that's why. There are other reasons which you will see as you read, but that is truly the main one. Now, having said that, here we go...
We are in the middle of a mighty seeking of God. If you've read this blog for long, you can guess what it is. Why haven't we gotten any answers (or THE answer I should say) about this subject? Well, not sure. But, I can tell you one thing...it's got us dependent and seeking after God. Maybe that's right where He wants us and maybe it took this to get us to that point like never before...it wouldn't be like that if He'd answered us easily.
What are we questioning? Yep, you got it. What to do with our fertility. :)
We even read a book about it (and countless things on the internet), but still no clear answer. (Yes, we know that GOD ALONE is the answerer for such things, but sometimes He uses such means to speak through)
Is there one answer for everyone? Don't know. Kind of doubt it. But, may be.
We haven't jumped over to the quiver full camp. We are exactly deadset 50/50 on the matter (one 50 being using non-abortifacient birth control, the other 50 being using nothing at all...not even NFP). Many are the thoughts in our heads about the subject and we can pretty sufficiently argue both sides equally (debate team, here we come). Believe me...we have all kinds of analogies and examples for each way. We are just calmly and peacably (but urgently and desperately at the same time) asking for and waiting for an answer from the Almighty, the only one Who made these here reproductive parts of ours.
There are MANY very, VERY logical reasons to be of the non-quiver full camp. MANY. But, following God doesn't always involve things that you would label logical, now does it? And, then again, there are also many very just-as-good reasons to be non-birth-control-using. :) Like my wording?
Anyway, this is a hefty, hefty subject. We are totally at peace in our seeking and waiting, but do realize the weight of this matter at the same time. It's exciting and scary simultaneously. Again, we can see both sides and have arguments for each. But, one question that Joel raised the other day really stuck with me. It is one of those simple-yet-profound things. I don't mean it's simple as in simple-minded. But, simple as in "could it really be this simple and the rest is all about trust?" Here it is:
If children are a blessing, (and the Bible nowhere says anything contradictory to that statement...correct me if I'm wrong) do we ever have the right to deny or prevent that blessing?
Interesting. When else do we prevent blessings from the Lord? A blessing is a blessing is a blessing. Seriously, can you think of another blessing that we try frantically to prevent?
In the logical scheme of things, I've likened contraception to a seatbelt. We totally and completely trust God to protect us. But, He doesn't ask us not to wear our seatbelt, now does He? Wearing your seatbelt is not a sign of a lack of trust. In the same way, getting your children's vaccinations (we're just focusing on people who do believe that is the best way to go for the sake of this argument, ok?) is not seen as a lack of trust (again, just go with this if you are anti-vaccination...surely you see my point)...it is seen as life-giving.
But then, that's the difference isn't it? These things promote life whereas contraception prevents it.
Is it really just about dying to self? I mean, most contraception is not usable to us Christians who believe in life beginning when an egg is fertilized. What is available to us as far as prevention is not at all natural and doesn't seem what God intended for our bodies. Of course there is that whole scripture about that man (can't remember his name) that "spilled his seed on the ground" and was killed. Now, of course his motive was wrong obviously. But, is that our example of that sort of prevention? If so, does that include the "raincoat" as some call the condom (and I hate that word...raincoat is much better, so therefore if I ever talk about this again, that is what I will be calling it, just FYI). The NFP and fertility awareness versions of prevention requires abstinance (if not using the raincoat or other contraception)...again NOT natural. For those of you who don't know, that is exactly when God made a woman's body to desire "relations" most. And besides, the Bible only says it's O.K. to abstain for a time of fasting and prayer, right?
So, now you see some of my thoughts...some. Now, what are some of the other reasons that I posted this? First of all, NOT to just open up a can of worms for no reason...I'm not an instigator. I deal with conflict when it arises, but don't enjoy it and therefore am not just posting this to get a rise out of people. I also have no desire or interest in condemning or judging others' actions. But, I am interested in what your thoughts are and how you arrived to that conclusion. And that brings me to...
What I do want though is opinions/thoughts/perceptions/correcting on any of what I said here. I am VERY interested in what you have to say. And I want thoughts from you ALL...from those of you who only have one child, from those of you who have 8-10-12 children, from those of you who don't have any (by choice or not by choice...couples struggling with infertility tend to have a different perspective altogether sometimes). Please, weigh in on this. I am super curious. Not just out of curiosity's sake (as in nosy type stuff), but who knows...maybe God will use you to bring clarity to us.
Consider that question...
If children are a blessing, (and the Bible nowhere says anything contradictory to that statement...correct me if I'm wrong) do we ever have the right to deny or prevent that blessing?
Now, fire away. (P.S. If you are a little shy about this subject and feel more comfortable emailing me, feel free. Click on the EbersoleOnline link to the right, go to the Contact Us page, then scroll down to find my email link.)
And, for some entertainment value, some pictures of my blessings.
Already doing the eyebrow thing...I'd say she got that from a man named Douglas Madden. :)
13 comments:
Justin and I had the SAME ISSUE. As you can see from 4 children all in 4 years. :) I had to trust Justin when he said we were done. I really didn't "feel" done, but I followed what he was feeling. He now feels like we may have 2 more (not from my womb- but possibly adoption). Totally up to God. I was too emotionally up and down to get clear direction from God. God really used Justin to guide us. I know that probably doesn't help you and Joel but that's our little story on the issue.
BTW- I'll be praying for direction for you both.
a harder question is should we prevent "when troubles come our way" (James 1) They are supposed to be a blessing also. The way to do that is to take the path of least risk. Which is the path of not trusting God, I think. If God said a child was a blessing, we might hesitate at it, but a trial most of us would pass on. Jesus wanted to pass on the cross, but he still took it because it was God's will. If someone can answer that, the children question would be easier. I think I would say buckle your seatbelt, but don't take the backroads all the way across country because the freeway is dangerous (as long as God told you to go there).
But where are you going on this "freeway" ... of marriage. "Marriage" means children. God wants us to raise Godly children from our marriages, but he doesn't say how many. And he wants other things too. I think I heard there were five Biblical reasons for marriage.
So I'd say an important question is why choose not to have children? If they are a blessing, then that's the operative and indicative question. Is it because you don't want to stop eating steak and shrimp dinners every night or because you wouldn't have enough time with your spouse? (c.f. Gen. 2:18 / companionship) I think the latter would be a better reason than the former, though it's usually not that clear cut. (also, I'm just speaking generally, I don't think you have selfish motives, fyi) :)
That faith thing makes me think though. (and I'm not married / have no children, fyi, so it's easy for me to say this now, lol) If some "accident" happened and you had seven more children, would God not help you out? Would he not provide for you? Of course, life would be a lot more difficult and busy.
But then (in the view of eternity) is that better or worse for God's Kingdom (and/or for you)?
Jen, thank you so much for sharing your story. And Eiford, thank you for weighing in on this too. I love that you felt free to comment, even if you are "unmarried, w/o kids"...love all the input and views and points that EVERYone makes.
I think I may have shared this with you already but here goes: From the time before we were married, we always knew that we wanted four children. There was never really a question in our minds about more or less. I know that God gives us the desires of our hearts and I feel like He did this in this area of our lives as we both have always agreed on four.
I think you are absolutely right in all the points that you mentioned in your post.To me the most important thing is that both of you agree and that both of you feel like you are being obedient to God. I know it is a tough decision. We will be praying for complete clarity for you and Joel.
You two do make some BEAUTIFUL children;)
what a loaded conversation topic! I personally feel that each couple needs to know what they feel peace about doing. Personally... not sure exactly. We are about to have our 4th in 4 years, and I think we're ready for a break (esp. from pregnancies). We are thinking that we are done having biological children and hope to adopt one more. If we decide we are definitely done and feel peace about that, we will probably do something permanent (possibly me right after the c-section) - just because we don't have to worry about it anymore after that (i.e. no more "raincoats" or other methods). No, the Bible doesn't say how many kids we should have or even talk about controlling that. We know that some issues in the Bible had to do with culture back then. Could this be another topic that isn't so much "right or wrong" but has to do more with using wisdom in what you can handle in the age and culture you live in? Back then the more kids you had, the more hands to help out in the fields and around the house. That isn't quite the issue any more today. I don't claim to know the answers to such a complicated issue! In fact, some of this just came to my head as I was writing. I hope that as you seek God regarding this issue, He gives you perfect peace one way or the other. Blessings, Chris
Michawn~ It is wonderful to meet you :) This is an extra busy week for us with the group being here, but thank you for sending me over here...your family is just precious and I look forward to having some time to read through more of your blog. I always love meeting new brothers/sisters in Christ and it is always an extra blessing to meet another missionary family.
I could write a lot on this subject, but I only have a minute while the children finish their chores before we have to head over to work with the group.
I will try to email you soon too.
Obviously (having 11 children 11 and under), we have let the Lord have complete control of this area. I will tell you this...when I was where you are (younger mother with the babies coming close) and I had 4 then 5 then 6...I asked many, many of the same questions that you are asking as did my hubby. I spent hours praying, crying, and just seeking the Lord on the matter.
Today, though I have double the children I had back then, I can say with my whole heart that I would not change one single thing. I am so humbled that the Lord has chosen to bless us so abundantly and I just LOVE having all these little treasures entrusted to our care. Now it makes me sad to think of the day that will come when the child bearing will cease.
Oh, it has been very hard at times...but the Lord has used each trying time to grow me, grow my faith, draw me closer to Him...so much more. I would honestly not change a thing.
Is it a lot of work? Yes! Am I able to "handle" it all...all their needs (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? Alone, not a chance...but the God who gave these precious lives to me to mother is so gracious to supply our needs, give us strength, wisdom, grace, and so much joy and peace as we look to Him! He is so faithful!
Well, I could write a book :), but the children are done now and waiting.
Thank you again for introducing yourself. Looking forward to getting to know you further. God bless you as you serve Him. Have a wonderful day in Him!
love,
Jaynee
Oooooh! Yay! I'm glad you are opening a forum for this discussion.:) You already knoe where we stand on this, but since I don't like the terminology, I'm just gonna say that we are open to however many blessings God wants to give us and we have given complete control over our fertility to Him. I LOVE how Jaynee put it. I hope to be in a similar place someday. I don't know that we will end up having as many biological children as she has, but we may end up with that amount by way of adoption if God so sees fit!:) Its funny that Joel asked that question. Sam and I tangled with that one as well and after a whole lot of God working on our hearts we came up with, "Absolutely NOT!" We (Sam and I) don't have a right to refuse any blessing God wants to give us. (While I do have my opinions on other reasonings against this that I hear from others, I firmly believe that it is NOT my place to say one way or the other for them because that's totally God's job!:) I think the thing that got to me the most, though, was the whole raising arrows for God concept that finally made a dent. If we as Christians are to have the furtherance of God's Kingdom here on this earth as a top priority, then what better way to do that then to accept blessings in the form of children from Him which we then raise as arrows for His Army? Sam and I may be called to specific tasks in this life for God, but we are only two. When we allow God to increase our number (children) and raise them for His purposes, well then we make a much larger impact on the world. God will call each of our children to different tasks that we were not able to do and places we were not able to go. They will reach people we will not. Its such an amazing view and I want to see it come to fruition!!! Its so exciting!!!
On a side note - As we've discussed before, I think it really only works if you and your spouse are on the same page with this and both of you totally are open to what God wants for you. If either/both are not, then it just doesn't work the way it is meant. Also, as Jen said, your husband is your authority and if he says you are done, then that's that. He is your covering and that is sanctioned by God. I would suggest that if you still have a strong desire for more children, then the right way to go about it is to take it to God in prayer. (That's how our journey to where we are on this started.) I totally believe that God puts the desire for children in us and I believe that He can change anyone's heart about it. It may be that He takes that desire away or He changes your spouse's heart to desire more children.
Also, as previously discussed, I have two children at present. I do not know what it is like to have a baby a year and to either be pregnant or breastfeeding all the time. I know what God has put into MY heart and I CANNOT speak for anyone else. (That was my disclaimer...hehehe)
Okay, my long-winded monologue is now complete! Hopefully, everyone is still awake! :)
I believe that God makes us all a certain way and he lets us know when we are done. Some of us were designed to have LOTS of children and be fine with that, but some of us were designed to not desire any children or to have a full plate with only one or two. I believe that every couple has to listen to the Lord where he speaks to you in this matter. He has clearly let me know that I am done with only two children and I believe he will make it very clear to both you and Joel when you are done, if ever! I will be praying for you in this matter. It is definitely a difficult decision that requires Alot of seeking his will!
I have never seen this "other" side of the issue before, the having too much fertility. My husband and I have dealt with infertility for over 12 yrs. We would love to be able to get pregnant! We were very blessed that God gave us through adoption-twins! They are the joy of our lives... We would love to adopt more but don't have the money. Our arms ache and our hearts cry for another infant to call our own. God knows the desire of our hearts and so we leave it in His hands. I wish that I understood your fertility issues but I am coming from a totally different side of the coin. If you know of someone who does get pregnant and doesn't want the baby then call me!! Damara Poledna
Oh...this is so good. God is so good to let me "stumble" onto your site. I am searching as well...and am living on missionary support as well...that's the part I'm stumped on. We don't have the funds to keep going, but I know God will provide if He tells us to keep going. (I'm pregnant with my fourth.) I found your site through the Lockwood's. I will be reading to get more wisdom from these Godly ladies who are commenting so gracefully! Give us wisdom, Lord! Oh, and I have to share the link I shared with Jaynee. You will love this: http://www.xanga.com/dancinmomma?uni12613782-direction=n&uni12613782-nextdate=1%2f17%2f2008+17%3a14%3a38.117#module-12613782
The post I'm trying to share is from Thursday, January 18th. So if you can't get to it straight from that link, you may have to scroll through to find it.
Okay, I didn't read any comments before commenting, so I would comment on their comments.
Here goes:
I firmly believe that abstinence can be a form of fasting. If you have a good reason to NOT get pregnant, then abstinence is (in my book) the best option.
Yes, that's when a woman desires 'relations' most, during her fertile time I mean, but that is where the 'fasting' comes in. Dying to self.
This abstinence for just a few days each month is not so dramatic either. I find that it brings that spark of romance back to the marriage. It brings courtship and honeymoon back, and the result is more communication and an even better sex life.
I like NFP, but I also see why some people don't use any method of birth control, simply allowing God to control their fertility (which, honestly He does, no matter what we think we are doing). I agree mostly with this camp. God sends blessings to us everyday. If He chooses to send me no children, or 20, why should I complain or stop the blessing. As a dear friend told me when pregnant with my fifth, "God always enlarges your tent post!" And she was right. God always provides. He also makes us wiser as we receive more blessings.
So, all that being said, my reason for avoiding pregnancy is weight loss/health. I must lose weight before I can have another child. The last pregnancy was pretty hard on me, and I want to be thin and healthy again.
I love you. I believe this decision is between you, Joel and God. I pray everyones opinions and comments are uplifting and you can glean the wisdom you need to do what God is calling you to do.
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