The Miscarriage - Part 2

So, I had worried the whole time. Not every medical professional goes through this, but bottom line is that people who work in hospitals literally see the worst case scenarios ALL the time. They are trained to look for the worst case scenarios and rule them out first. Well, that's just what I had done...case in point, my thinking that I was having a tubal pregnancy at 6 weeks after having that dull pain for 24 hours. No, terrible medical situations don't always happen. But, I had seen a lot of bad in my 5 years of nursing. Like I said, I was cautious already, even before that nursing experience. But, literally seeing things like that every day...you know, it influences the way you view your own body and any little symptoms you might have. I always thought of the worst case scenario first. Another example, Joel would get a headache. The thought would immediately cross my head that it could possibly be a brain tumor. Now, it literally could possibly be a brain tumor...odds are that it wasn't (and it wasn't of course), but that's just how my brain worked. We had to rule that out first. :-)

Back to the miscarriage experience though...like I said...it was an awesome list that we made that day of how God had been faithful and provided in it all. Here is the list...from my journal:

1. I was only 8 weeks along, not 5 months or so...much better...I never felt the baby move, wasn’t showing, etc.

2. It happened before I left for home (I was leaving that Saturday, Dec. 7th to go to East Texas and Saline for 2 weeks). It would’ve been horrible if I would’ve found out then...ahh, God’s perfect timing, even for the not-so-pleasant things.

3. Totally prepared Joel: Joel said that about 10 min. before I called him at work, he felt like something was wrong. He just prayed, not knowing what it was, and God simply told him “I am still in control.” AWESOME.

4. Totally prepared me: Sunday night (the Sunday night before I found out about no heartbeat on that Wednesday) I had received a book in the mail called “Supernatural Childbirth” (for anyone who’s read that book or heard that teaching, it really can mess with you; you have to figure out what you believe about it all, but what I believe is that although you can’t deny the experiences this lady had and you can pray for the same thing to happen to you, I don’t buy into the fact that if you just have faith for it, it will happen...I know this from personal experience). It’s an awesome book, but I really struggled with faith/surrender. Sunday night I was in turmoil, crying and everything. I was just really grappling with what my role is supposed to be when it comes to having faith and praying. My question was “So all these people who have had a miscarriage or handicapped child, etc. – is that because they didn’t have enough faith? How do you explain that?” I’ve always had a real problem with the philosophy that “nobody is supposed to be sick...we are already healed through Jesus.” Well, I was looking forward to Monday to really get some answers from God on this (I had a free day and planned to spend it all with God...I needed answers). Well, He provided an answer for me early. I had a dream early that Mon. morning that I had a miscarriage. I was laying in the bed and these balls of blood clots (computer-generated looking things) start rolling out of me. I go to the bathroom and pronounce very matter-of-factly “Welp, I guess I’m not pregnant anymore.” Then, the next scene of my dream, I am arriving in Georgia for Marcus’ wedding (I was going to Marcus’ wedding in real life in the next couple of weeks). I’m talking to Marcus on someone’s cell phone and I say, “Well, I thought I was going to be able to tell everyone I was pregnant when I came to your wedding, but I’m not pregnant anymore.” (I truly believe, by the way, that at the moment of that dream, the baby in my womb ceased to have a heartbeat...I really believe that God had great sweetness with me in letting me know what was happening when it was happening; even though of course the ultrasound a couple of days later would still be a shock and still be sad, this dream prepared me in such a sweet and gentle way). I woke up, but before I opened my eyes God put a billboard in my mind (like the Abraham and Isaac billboard I had in the Joel and Michawn story, remember?). The billboard said, “Whatever you expect is what you’ll get.” I couldn’t really explain it, but somehow I knew that was my answer and I was at perfect peace. When I found out that I really had miscarried (esp. when telling others about my dream), in the natural that billboard might seem rather cruel, like “you were fearful of this, you ‘cursed’ yourself, now you are going to get it.” But, there was only comfort and peace for me in God’s billboard. I asked Joel what he thought it meant. He said, “Well, we were expecting a healthy baby and we weren’t going to get one; healthy babies don’t die.” That was it. That was my peaceful answer. God knows all and knows what’s best in all circumstances. He knew what was best for us. Also, I had been fearful. I had, at times, expected the worst. Although I don't think that I cursed myself or that God was saying that, I do think that He was preparing me for the next pregnancy...to expect the best and stop harping on the bad. He was re-training me...to not jump immediately to the worst case scenario in each situation and with each symptom. He was preparing me to re-train the way I thought, medically speaking...to not be fearful. "Whatever you expect is what you'll get"...I was going to expect the best.

5. There were also several answered prayers throughout; one example is that I had prayed I would never bleed or even spot. Lots of women do and even when it’s nothing, it’s always a cause for concern/alarm. Well, even though I miscarried, I never bled or even spotted. Also, I was never sick. I got a little queasy sometimes, and lots of good foods didn’t appeal to me anymore, but I was never sick.

There are so many other awesome things I could name, some things we don’t know about yet, and some things that we will never know this side of heaven. But, I sure have learned a lot. About my faith/prayer/surrender: Basically for each situation God will tell me how to pray, what to have faith for. Lots of times I just use surrender as my cop-out to not fight for something in prayer because I’m so fearful of disappointment, that I may be wrong. Sunday morning (at the point of this journal entry, I was already in East Texas/Saline visiting for the holidays) in Life Challenge the speaker (Mike Guzzardo) just happened to speak on fear and how to overcome it. It was awesome. Bottom line to overcome fear: seek God. And, if I am seeking God, He is going to let me know what to have faith for in each situation. And, if I am seeking God, I will have confidence in what He tells me and what His Word says, not what satan tries to tell me and get me to worry about. It’s a choice.

I think that probably having a miscarriage with your first pregnancy is harder than when you’ve already “proved yourself” in your abilities to have a child (and I mean proving yourself to yourself...not to anyone else). I was completely overjoyed though, esp. with so many people in the world who struggle just to conceive, to at least know that that part was a possibility...that had been proven. Even with the confirmations and peace from God, it was still hard at times. Here’s an example, again from my journal (same day entry):

Yesterday was a little hard. Everyone is always talking about the baby that is coming in the family (there was another couple in our family with a baby coming) and asking about plans and all. Even though I was only pregnant for a short time, I find myself still wanting to share those experiences that I had during that time, but, as I was crying and telling Joel last night, I almost feel like it doesn’t count...like since I’m not pregnant anymore I shouldn’t share. I now think that is just the stupid devil trying to take away the joy I do have over the fact that I was pregnant. Joel prayed for me and God is so faithful. This morning, the 1st thing Mama asked me was how I felt (in relation to the D&C) and that Granny had asked about when we could try again. Anyway, it was small, but I got to talk about my experience a little.

There was a book that was really good too that I bought a few days after my D&C. It’s called “Calm My Anxious Heart.” The author is Linda Dillow. It was good to have something to go through and study that was relevant to me at the time.

Another factor in my story and in miscarriage in general was the fact that we hadn’t really told anyone I was even pregnant. Our reasoning was only because it was so close to the holidays and we would be traveling to see our parents and all our relatives...we wanted to tell them in person. Some recommend not telling others about a pregnancy early on with the reasoning that if there is a miscarriage somehow it makes it easier. I guess they just don’t tell that they were ever pregnant at all or something. That just doesn’t work for me. If you can’t tell by this blog, I like to let people in on what is going on with me. To me, having a miscarriage and then having to tell everyone that I was pregnant, but had a miscarriage...that was worse than if I had told people I was pregnant and then had to go back and tell them I wasn’t anymore. In my case, since we hadn’t told yet, I had to spill the beans all at once...that I had been pregnant and now I wasn’t. It was stinky. But, to each his own. I would never want to withhold information and not let people in. But, that’s just me. And, we all know that I’m about as opposite of “private” as you can get.

For many people a miscarriage is truly like a death. Good reason...it is a death. It was a death for me too and it was not without its difficulties. But, at the same time, for me it was God’s grace too. I know that sounds weird, but He was allowing me to start over...to realize my need for Him and His joy and His peace...not worry. Most people who know me might even be shocked that I ever worried at all...about anything. I'm not what I consider to be a high-strung person. But, it was mostly about medical stuff. And, God used this so much. It was a great learning experience for me. I knew after that that I would have joyful pregnancies. I would not worry. Only peace and joy were to come.