Shots and Sadness

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. Today I am feeling much better of course, but here is just a sample of my journal from yesterday. Also, please pray with me...you'll know what about after you read.

From journal:

Well, we've been here in Brasil for over 2 months now...seems like a lifetime though really. I still don't doubt at all that this is truly where God has us...not at all, not for a minute. But, at the same time, man, my flesh is hating it here. That's just butt-honesty.

It's not just one thing...it's everything...everything about everyday life. Today provided me with just one other thing, one more example (big one) to go along with many, many everyday examples of the same kind of thing...that makes my flesh scream, "Let's get the heck out of Dodge...and NOW!!"

A couple of weeks ago we all went to get shots. The kids all got, among other things, a TB shot. I was very unfamiliar with this type of TB shot. I've always gotten TB skin tests before, but this wasn't like that. First of all, I hated the place we went to get them done. They wouldn't let me hold the kids to give them their shots. We had to hold them down on a table...literally hold them down as they were tensing up every muscle in their bodies, screaming like mad, and looking up at us with a combination look of frantic fear and the questions, "What are you holding me down for? Why are you letting them do this to me?" Mind you, I'm not one of those moms that can't stand to see my children in any kind of pain. I mean, I don't like it, but if it's for the greater good, fine, let's do it. But, I am also all about doing it the best way, the hopefully least painful, most comforting way. This was not done here.

Anyway, of course I didn't understand any of what was being said about shots. I was obviously not in on the discussion of what they were getting and why, any side effects, or lasting results. Therefore they got this TB thing. It wasn't until we were leaving the shot place that it popped into my brain, "Gosh, I hope they didn't get any of the shots that causes that scar."

The scar I was talking about was the one that I used to see on Mama's (sorry Mama...I also saw it on other people, but you were the one I was always with, so your arm is the one I always think of) arm and think that it was so ugly and gross (not sure why I hated it so...on anybody I saw with it)...and be so thankful that they had developed something different for my generation. The same scar that I later saw on Joel's brothers and sisters (for some reason there isn't one on Joel's arm) and thought, "Gosh, I'm so glad I didn't grow up in Brasil and get that scar on my arm."

Well, today I did a little research and discovered that the BCG shot is what causes that scar. Our kids, all 3, got the BCG vaccine the other day.

I just got done bawling and bawling and bawling. For my kids to carry a scar (a very ugly one) on their arm for the rest of their lives becasue of a rash decision, because we weren't on guard and just went along with whatever someone told us to do...that just kills me. If there were no other way to guard against TB, that would be another story. But, I don't have that scar...there is another way, a better way. (end of journal sample)

It's not that I hate scars. I actually think that scars are quite cool, when they happen for a "good" reason...a fall, an accident of some sort, etc. But a vaccine? No. And I think the thing is that I just had a history with seeing this scar on people...and hating it. So, for my kids to have it...not good.

This all might seem silly to some. I mean, it is just cosmetic. But, to put it in other terms so that maybe some of you might understand my feelings, to all of you who hate tattoos or even might think they are wrong, maybe this will help. It would be like someone coming up and giving your kid a tattoo without you realizing what was going on. It's permanent, it's ugly and wrong (in your opinion), it's unnecessary, and it was done without your consent.

And, although this in and of itself is enough to make me completely crushed, there are tons of things that I hate about being here (again, just honesty). Of course, there are things that I love too, don't get me wrong. But, the things that I don't like are a little greater in importance at this point...like not being able to guard my children from things like this.

I start Portuguese classes tomorrow. That will help with things of course, but Portuguese isn't the answer to everything. There are so many things that don't involve my lack of being able to speak Portuguese. Things like decisions about just how to raise the kids, etc. (some of which I've talked about before). And, I will actually post more about that later in the week probably...some things have been made clearer lately. I think that it is severely different for people moving to another country without children. Not that it's any easier, but I do think that it is very, very different. For instance, do they have to worry about literally scarring their children with a vaccine...no.

Anyhoo, all of that to say, yesterday was a hard day. And PRAY PLEASE. God can keep that vaccine from leaving a scar. That would be no problem for Him. I mean, like I said, Joel doesn't have that scar. He may have had another kind of vaccine, but he may have had the same and for whatever reason it didn't scar. Please pray in agreement with me that my kids won't have that scar. That would mean so much to me. Thanks.

Just a couple of pictures from when the kids got their shots in Louisiana before we left. They really are troopers.