I have a friend, Auny. She has a sister, Kay, who just went to Peru in July with her husband as missionaries. They are out in a more remote area than we are even, but her thoughts the other day finally gave voice to my thoughts during this transition. So, I thought I'd give you a glimpse as to what she said. Thank goodness, these feelings seem to be lessening. But, still...just a little more into my world...
First you will read my comment to Kay on her blog. Then you will read her actual post.
Comment: Girlfriend, I finally saw in your very precise blog post here EXACTLY what I've been feeling but haven't been able to even express to myself. Funny how sometimes you don't even know how to explain how you feel. Thanks for putting into words my daily thoughts...although thank God they are getting better. Maybe it's like drugs and I had to go through major detox. The withdrawals and detox symptoms are getting less brutal, thank goodness.
On Sunday, August 26
Kay wrote:
I got a letter from my parents the other day and my mom said to let them know what to be praying about. “Don’t try to be brave,” she wrote, “keep it real.” In an effort to keep it real, here is my confession.
I feel like there is a war going on in my mind right now. I noticed it right away when we got to Peru, even before we moved to the “jungle.” I think of all the things you would expect, like missing my family and friends. But even more than that, I am sometimes consumed with thoughts of my comfort. Things like a carpeted floor, a nice sized bathtub, and a dishwasher are all I can think about. Other times it’s late night runs to Dairy Queen or eating at my favorite restaurants that take over my mind. I miss listening to my favorite radio program on the way to work and stopping in at McDonald’s for breakfast.
I’m sure these are all normal reactions to so many changes, but it is humbling to see how dependent I am on comforts. More than once I have told God, “I don’t want to do this. I want to live in a comfortable house, with the kinds of food I like close by. I want to work and make money to get the things I want to buy. I want to enjoy evenings with friends who are like me and speak English. I want to live close to my family and see them whenever I want to.” It was immediately obvious to me that I want to serve myself. I want what I want to be more important than what God wants. Imagine leaving God’s calling for radio morning shows and fast food. When I think about it, it is ridiculous, but when faced with so many changes, my mind is rebelling.
So that is my confession. I’m not sure how much more REAL I can get than that. Yes, we are excited about God’s calling, but yes, we need your prayers. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.
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7 comments:
It's like being called to be a stay at home mom and having to sacrrifice every enjoyment of your single or newly married life for this little being that God wants you to bring up in His ways.
It is exhausting and very rarely satisfying. There are moments of sheer panic: 'What have I done?'
But intermingled with those moments, you look at these tiny beings God has placed in your hands and you see God. For one moment you realize that you are exactly where God planned.
AMEN and AMEN!!!
My thoughts prayers and deepest gratitude go out to you Michawn and Kay for answering the greatest call of all! Most of us are to chicken to answer the call, even in simple things that God might ask of us! Thank you both for setting the bar higher for us complacent christians! May we always strive to be out of our comfort zones!
Hats off to you who have gone above and beyond! Your sacrifices will be GREATLY rewarded! Keep striving towards that Mark!
I think you and Kay are both amazing! I know Jesus agrees with me.
I know the feeling of that sometimes, even though we are "American missionaries." Johan's a teacher. I am a mom to 2 1/2 kiddos. We don't waver one iota on what we are called to do. But sometimes, I want to buy all our own clothes too, rather than wear what everyone else has already chosen and worn. I want to afford to buy healthier foods more often. I want things way before God provides them, even the needs. But, He always does and I truly can't complain. I sometimes think that if we were missionaries it would seem more acceptable and more realistic to live on so little. So, what I want is to not have to make the sacrifices to serve God, but He's asking us to make them...so we do. Sometimes I tell myself I couldn't make the sacrifices you do. I guess I know an inkling of what sacrifice is like. I'm excited to see you and Joel obeying and loving the Lord. That's what your sacrificing selfish desires shows the rest of us and those you love there around you: God is worth the trouble.
Great post! So neat that your missionary friend could totally relate to what you were feeling as you adjust to living in a new culture. I always love your honesty and openness!
Kay has a way with words. I miss both of you!
Wow. I can't tell you how incredibly selfish & spoiled I feel right now. Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU for being so honest about the mental struggle that soooo many Christians don't want to admit to other believers.
For a long time, I've felt like a rotten, self-centered, over-indulged Christian who just didn't want to give up all "the stuff" that Americans consider to be standard comforts. How I envied those believers who appeared to be perfectly content answering the call to missions, giving up their family, friends, homes, and all the things that money can buy (which aren't at all necessities). I wanted to WANT to be one of them but, as Kay said "the spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
How refreshing to know that even those of you who have made the commitment to serve Christ full-time as missionaries struggle with such thoughts. A believer making a sacrifice for their faith??!! That's nearly unheard of in our society. And yet, it's exactly what Christ has asked of His followers.
I hope that there will soon be a strong sense of fulfillment and satisfaction for your entire family, knowing that your sacrifices have been made in obedience to the Lord.
And maybe I'll be joining you guys down in the jungles of Brasil someday...if I can bring myself to give up heels. Although, I suppose wearing stilettos could come in handy when attempting to scale trees.
Lots of Love,
Crystal
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