He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."
And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone. They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.
And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.
So, I am responding to that email here on the blog. This blog post is the first part of my response. This blog post is the second part.
And now, the third part of my response...
A review of the Principle Two shared in the email...
[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.
There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents.
I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.Jesus never stayed with people who hurt him. Ever. Read about Him in this light, maybe for the first time, and you will see that truth. When the people who didn't understand Him, and didn't get His side of the story or believe Him even when they did have His story, or accused Him of things that were never true...He loved them, He wished they would change, He wished the truth would change them, but it didn't. So, He always incorporated boundaries with those people.
Didn't mean He didn't love them. Didn't mean He hated them. Didn't mean He was bitter. Didn't mean He was holding grudges. Didn't mean He was trying to get back at them. None of those things were true of Him.
He was keeping Himself safe.
He kept Himself safe.
Yes, He taught to love and give of yourself and sacrifice and forgive and even reconcile when possible. But, He also taught, and modeled very clearly (again, read about Him in this light), to take care of yourself, protect yourself from those who have harmed you, to walk away when people aren't going to be changed by truth, to have boundaries.
Jesus didn't just say that the truth is important and that it will set you free. He said He IS the truth. If we don't follow ALL of His examples and principles, then we aren't following and living in the truth.
I've been saying these things for years, you know that. There are other resources that speak to this topic of boundaries and keeping oneself safe. But, here's a great article I found recently with just a quick search that speaks to this Jesus I speak of to help you to see that this isn't just me or our counselor (or only people who don't honor God's Word) who are saying all of these things.
About Jesus and boundaries: https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/
I was originally going to go through and provide Scripture to show how Jesus kept Himself safe from harmful people (no matter who they were...family included), but that article is full of it.
You are a family that calls yourselves pacifists. In reality, what happens is that you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. GREAT lengths. For instance, you all made up and believed stories in your heads about me that were just simply not true. They were FAR from truth even in the beginning, but those stories just snowballed to the point that no matter what I said or had proof of, you saw me through the lens of those stories you already believed. And you didn't even want to hear or work through anything that would help you to see otherwise.
Yes, you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. But pacifism doesn't = avoidance of conflict. That is not what pacifism is. So, you like to claim pacifism. But, that's not the truth of who you are. What you have is a case of major passive-aggressive behavior, and the avoidance of conflict (which you might think is holy, but is not) at all costs. And I do mean all costs. The cost here?...me and my children. You avoid conflict (and truth) so much that you are willing to destroy a family and see your son give up his wife and children in order to be with you. I tried to avoid that. For literally years. I tried to help you all to keep us. But, you didn't want to.
As I said in the other posts...
The actual truth about me and our situation, the truth about family and gender and forgiveness/reconciliation, the truth about boundaries and cutting ties and what love really looks like, the truth about anger and motives and lots of other factors that are involved here...the truth about these things hasn't changed you. The truth was offered to you over and over and over again. And it hasn't changed you.
When someone is saying you are hurting them, and they give very specific directions about why, and about how not to hurt them, they are not being 'controlling and manipulative' (what you accused me of). They are being loving. They are staying the course, trying to be with you, trying to help you to see how not to lose them.
But when you just continue to hurt, it isn't possible to stay.
Do you not understand that?
Do you know what Jesus said to do with the people who won't accept truth and be changed by it? He tells them to leave those people, and to dust off your feet. (Matthew 10) Yes, right before that He says to heal, to love, to raise, to freely give. BUT, because He is sending people out "like sheep among wolves," He knows how to teach them how to safeguard themselves too. Jesus ISN'T just love, peace, joy. He is also boundaries, safety, wisdom...and how to walk away when things aren't safe. If you aren't following all sides and teachings of Jesus, then you aren't following Jesus.
Matthew 10:34-37
34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
35 For I have come to turn
“‘a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36 a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’[a]
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
I remember having a discussion with you years ago at your kitchen table right before we all went to bed. We were discussing pacifism, your beliefs, the fact that that was what was taught to you and the way your family lived. I, at that time especially, was not a person who brought up conflicts (even if I saw wrong around me, I didn't always speak up). But, I didn't avoid it either. I was fine with discussing hard things and/or 'fighting' in order to reach resolve and peace...esp. if there were victims to rescue.
I brought up this passage of Scripture that night. I simply said, "So, what do you do with verses like that?"
You had no defense. In fact, you acted like you'd never even heard that passage before. You said, "Hmmm, and where is that? I don't know. I'll have to look into that and get back with you." (You never got back with me about it.)
Obviously Jesus never wanted son to go against father, or daughter against mother, or DIL against MIL (or any other family combination to go against each other). That is not His ideal. But, Jesus was NOT afraid of conflict. At all. He would call people out in a millisecond. And He knew that people would have to take stands for following His ways.
I get it that you think that is what you are doing with me. I get it that you think that you are taking a stand against me...and that you are following God's ways and I am not. I get it that you have counseled Joel to take a stand against me because you believe that I am not following God's ways.
But you are wrong. You are so very, very, very destructively wrong. And I have all the evidence, documentation, research, and Scripture to prove it. Do we need to go over it all more?
What are your thoughts and questions and objections to what is said here?
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