Principle One

I got an email this week from one of Joel's family members.

He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."

And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone.  They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation. 

And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.

Principle #1

One: In marriage a spouse cannot change his partner. In the covenant of marriage vows, there is the phrase for better or for worse. So what does one do when the worse comes out in the partner, which is bound to happen? In my marriage, I will mention it to her or she to me once or twice and then commit it to the Lord in prayer as only God is able to change our spouse. One partner cannot change the other partner. God did not create the marriage relationship to work that way. As we are to fully accept our partner, flaws, mistakes and all, as love covers a multitude of sins. I like the way Apostle Paul puts it in Eph 4:2 He says We are to demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try our patience. TPT Also in this passage Paul gives various attitudes/actions whereby we can guard unity. This applies to unity in marriage and in the local body of believers.

I'm just going to speak to this family member, and the family as a whole here.

This is absolutely correct.  No one can change another person.  It just can't happen.

But...

Truth.

TRUTH can and SHOULD change a person.

When one is confronted with truth, especially as someone who claims to be a believer, they should be changed.  That is just clearly what should happen.  That is, after all, what the Good News is all about!!

I haven't seen that happen with you, or any of your family members.  And family members, IF that has happened and you see what went wrong here and want to actually help me, then for the love of God, speak up!!

Yes, TRUTH should change people.

So...let's go through what happened.  And, this is not to 'rehash' things just to rehash them.  This is not to rub your nose in what you did.  This is not to shame you.  This is not to prove that I now have a right to retaliate (which I have no interest in).  For NONE of those reasons do we need to go through the history.  The reason we need to go through the history is because there are points to be made about your Principle One.  And only by going through the history can we get to those points. 

You didn't recognize Joel's very obvious wrong behavior as wrong at the beginning of 2012 when he started coming to you complaining about how I was being difficult.  That behavior is...not at all normal for a spouse.  It's not right.  It's not emotionally mature.  You believe(d?) a husband is the leader of his wife...that is not the behavior of a leader at all!  And yet, you treated that as normal and appropriate for him to do.  And...you believed everything he said without question, or without getting my side of the story.

You then spent the next couple of years treating the situation as though what he was saying was accurate (which it wasn't).  You gave him counsel that he should make decisions on his own and follow through with those decisions no matter what I said about it.  You counseled him that there was no reasoning with me, that I had "opened the door to be deceived by Satan" since I wasn't submitting to Joel (i.e. following him in whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it, even though that was damaging me).  You said, "[when a woman] is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception.  Bringing havoc to her emotions.  This is what is happening to Michawn."

Before I even started thinking or using the word 'abuse' in our situation, in your counsel (the excerpts in the remainder of this post taken from communication in 2014, before any separation of any kind) to Joel you said this...

"It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy.  She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands.  But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving  and giving some more.  You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.

"To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults.  You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you.  She has falsely accused you.  It is one of the tactics of the enemy.  He is called the accuser of the brethren.  I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.
It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you.  Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family."

This is classic behavior that is described in the video in this post.  The one at fault is seen as the victim...and the one being hurt and damaged is the one who is made out to be the one at fault, the one who is doing the hurting and damaging.

Instead of getting the TRUTH (by asking me my side first of all, but then actually believing me when I spoke...neither of these were done), and instead of counsel that said to Joel, "Your wife is struggling physically and emotionally with all that has happened in your lives.  She cannot keep up the pace you have been keeping for over a decade, son.  Take care of your wife!  She is you.  You are one with her.  If you neglect her, you neglect yourself.  Help her.  Love her.  Care for her.  Take care of her," your counsel was this...

"It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are.  But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.

"It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would  keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do.  You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family.  I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will.  But telling her first what you decided.  God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you.  You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God."

You did not seek out the truth.  BUT...

When Joel finally started being confronted with the truth, and we started sharing the truth with you, and I specifically wanted to talk through the truth with you...

You still didn't want to let truth come in and change you.

No...a person cannot change another person.

But, THE TRUTH should come in and absolutely change someone.  Change their heart, their mind, their beliefs, their behaviors, their thoughts, their actions.  Again...

That is what the whole Bible is about!!

Joel always prided himself and his family on being so very teachable.  Yet, the opposite has been true in this situation.

You used Ephesians 4 in your email and your description of your Principle One.

Ephesians 4:20-25

20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned
21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 

24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 

It goes on to talk about other things we should and shouldn't do BECAUSE we have heard the TRUTH that is in Jesus.  And because we are a NEW person.  That doesn't just end with salvation.  We are to be CONSTANTLY renewing our minds.  Constantly learning and growing and changing, according to truth.

Instead of you letting truth change you, you dug in your heels and refused to even discuss it.  But, now...you are still doing the same thing.

This is proven in the fact that your Principle One doesn't even apply to our situation.  But you won't hear that, or accept that truth.  

Nobody was ever trying to change another person.  But, all of our counseling (along with every other healthy person who tried to help us) was focused on helping Joel to see TRUTH.  We were sure that if truth was injected into his life, then maybe that could save him from himself (and from all that he was taught that was AGAINST the truth that is in Jesus, v. 21), and that our marriage/family could be saved as well.  That was the hope.

Ebersole family...you do not live in truth.  And the actual truth about me and our situation, the truth about family and gender and forgiveness/reconciliation, the truth about boundaries and cutting ties and what love really looks like, the truth about anger and motives and lots of other factors that are involved here...the truth about these things hasn't changed you.  The truth was offered to you over and over and over again.  And it hasn't changed you.

Truth is supposed to change you.  It's supposed to change you and grow you and set you free.  That is what Jesus says.

I also have to add here this addendum that again just proves that this Principle One doesn't apply to our situation...

If you "mention" (as you say) to your spouse "once or twice" that something is hurting you so so bad, that you are in dire need of stopping and being taken care of, that you cannot go any longer without a break to rest and recover, that moving forward would damage you tremendously and you just simply cannot do it...then no, you do not just 'commit that to the Lord in prayer' (although of course I did that) and yet just keep going if it isn't changed.  When that is 'mentioned' to a spouse, if that spouse does not stop what he's doing and take care of his wife, then that is, by all definitions, neglect.  And if he keeps doing what he is doing, and the wife stops (because she has to), and that spouse starts to then blame the wife saying that she is the one at fault, that she is trying to control and manipulate him, that she is being difficult...and even others start to join in with him in saying that...

That is abuse.  By all definitions, that is abuse.

So please...

Please listen to this truth.  Let God change your hearts and minds with this truth.  And start to live in the truth.