This Is a Miscarriage - Day 4

Thursday and Friday during the days were pretty uneventful...just a yucky feeling (physically; plus all the 'yucky' emotional stuff of course).  But at night each of those days, I had major cramping. 

Today, I wondered if the same thing would happen.  But, no...today I was feeling pretty horrible physically all day.  I just felt weak and sick all day, then in the early afternoon the cramping started. 

Girls, let me just speak to this physical pain for a minute.  For all of you who have had really bad monthly cramps or even physically traumatic miscarriages...let me just say that if you are fearful of birth, or you are thinking that these things can be compared with the labor/delivery experience...THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! 

I've been super fortunate to not have had to live with really bad monthly cramps.  Only a few times have I had to experience that.  My 1st missed miscarriage (that I wrote about here and here), I wasn't really of the 'natural' mindset at that point and hadn't learned all that I know now about pregnancy and birth...and I immediately (as in the next day) had a D&C performed as recommended by the doctor.  My 2nd miscarriage (that I wrote about here) involved some cramping, but I was really early on...I usually just say 6 weeks, but it was precisely 5 weeks 5 days...really early.  I had only known I was pregnant a week.  And again, only slight cramping. 

This...this is different.  The baby was measuring 8 1/2 weeks.  Another 'missed miscarriage.'  But, no immediate D&C.  Our plan was to just wait the weekend and then re-evaluate next week if nothing had physically happened.  Well, as you know, it started. 

But again...it's just different than my 2nd miscarriage that I passed naturally and on my own.  8 1/2 weeks as opposed to not quite 6 weeks.  And it's really just beginning.  I know it will get worse before it gets better. 

Ladies...really bad menstrual cramps/physically traumatic miscarriages vs. labor/delivery ---> there is absolutely NO COMPARISON!!  I promise.  I've now experienced it all, pretty much. 

Labor and delivery is a beautiful thing.  God really did think of it all!!  Contractions come and they go.  You have a break between each one.  As labor progresses, your body naturally and beautifully produces just what you need to 'deal' with each contraction...even as they start coming closer and closer together.  Endorphins, wonderfully and perfectly made and naturally 'titrated' just-for-you hormones, an incredible anticipation of the *beautiful* baby that you are going to meet for the first time and hold in your arms in just a short while, the love of family and friends gathered around (esp. in a home birth), etc.  It's just an amazing experience.  So.......DO NOT BE AFRAID of birth/delivery.  And DO NOT COMPARE what you might experience in future birth/delivery with any menstrual or miscarriage cramping that you may have experienced.  No comparison, I promise. 

Menstrual 'contractions' (because that is what cramps are...your uterine muscle contracting) don't come with breaks (unless you pop some pills to mask that contraction).  They're just constant and painful and don't come with endorphins or pain-relieving hormones.  There's no sweet baby coming at the end of that pain. 

Same with miscarriage cramps.  All of a sudden, your muscle is contracting hard.  And it doesn't stop.  And it hurrrts.  And not only is there no sweet baby at the end of this.  There is the reminder that there *was* to be a baby in August, but that is no longer your reality. 

As I was cramping today, I watched a show, trying to distract my mind from the cramping.  A man made a phone call to his doctor's office and had to give his birthday to the receptionist.  It was August 11th.  I had to back it up, thinking surely that wasn't what he said.  Sure enough, August 11th.  That was my due date.  Ahhh, the irony.  Here I am trying to be distracted from the cramping by watching this...and then here comes August 11th.  Lol.  Truly...you just have to laugh.  And I do...I promise. 

Me and this baby that is already in heaven...we know what's up.  I think we're good.  Like I said, I am sad for the loss of this baby's life here on earth.  But, that baby is fine.  So are my other two waiting up there for us to meet and get to know and hold, etc.  They're up there right now being rocked by Grandma Madden and Granny Day.  Shoot...I'm totally jealous that they have already met my Grandpa when I never got to.  ;)

Like I've said, it's the things of this earth...the expectations and dreams and thoughts you already had that you grieve in a miscarriage.  So, August 11th.  I'll forever think of this baby I guess.  With time, though, I might forget the exact date.  Because guess what...we found out that we were pregnant with this baby on Dec. 7th.  I thought that was just soooo awesome because that was the due date of the last baby we lost.  Until I went back and looked later...it wasn't.  Huh...I had forgotten.  The due date was actually Dec. 8th. 

So, you do move past it.  You do forget exact dates and you think about it less and less.  Not because you don't care or because you're heartless.  But, just because that baby is waiting for you in heaven.  And Dec. 8th or August 11th or whatever the due date was for my first baby (July 17th I think?...see, I'd have to go back and make sure)...they're just dates on the calendar.  They have nothing to do with who my babies are anymore...who they are right now.  Those dates are only a memory now of what was, obviously, never meant to actually be in the first place.  Do I still tear up at the thought of not having a baby coming this August?  Sometimes.  It's still early on in the process, but it's already rare.  Not that there's anything wrong with crying about that.  But, here's the deal...I honestly don't think about a baby still coming in August anymore.  It's done.  We all grieve and move on in different ways.  My thoughts have shifted...I honor their lives and think of them there...in the present...not in the 'what might have beens.' 

You know what does make me cry though?  Kindness.  I tear up at every sweet and kind comment or message or email (and there have been LOTS...thank you SO MUCH). 

Today I ordered something at the local eating joint.  Joel went to pick it up...everyone was asking about me.  And they said it was 'on the house,' that they just "wanted to take care of me today."  TEARS...even now. 

Also today, I was cramping pretty bad.  Someone knocked on the door and I almost just didn't even answer it (Joel had taken to the kids to a birthday party).  I decided to put on my robe and just answer it.  Flowers.  From my dear DEAR friends in BRAZIL!!  What?!?!?  I *LIVE* HERE.  And even *I* wouldn't know how to get flowers to anyone out here in the boonies!  LOL!!  But somehow they found a way to send me some flowers and a sweet card.  Just WOW on that one.  And tears.

So...after this physical part is all done and I start to get out more and more, as you speak to me about it or come and hug my neck, etc....if I tear up, it won't be because I'm sad or I'm depressed.  It will be your kindness.  It touches the heart...and apparently my heart is filled with tears instead of blood.  Lol.  Because if anyone as much as touches my heart with even the slightest little pat (and this has always been the case), the tears come.  ;)  Thank you for your kindness.  "You will know them by their love."