This Is a Miscarriage - Day 2

What went wrong?, you always wonder when you have a miscarriage.  If you're very very fortunate, you never do have a miscarriage.  Then, if you're somewhat fortunate, you only have one. 

But when you've landed at three miscarriages like I have now, you try to look for a common factor.  Of course, one HUGE reason lots of people don't have a miscarriage is because they don't really try to have many kids.  :)  I mean, if I had stopped trying after my 4th child, I would have only had the one miscarriage.  But, that darn elusive 5th child. 

Did you know that ever since I was a little girl, I always said I wanted 5 children.  5.  It's always been the answer.  Well...it's always been "*at least* 5"...because I knew that I wanted to have 5 biological children.  Then after that I didn't care how many my husband and I adopted. 

But, always 5.  I even signed a contract...really more like a bet type of deal.  My best friend in jr. high and I were sitting in class one day, apparently not really doing our work at all, lol.  I was going on and on about the 5 kids I was going to have.  :)  She pulled out a sheet of paper and started writing.  If I didn't have 5 biological kids, I would have to pay her the big bucks (a whopping $25, haha).  If I did, she'd have to pay me.  The way I told her I was pregnant this time was by texting her that she was going to have to pay up.  ;) 

Back to miscarriages and common factors.  Most often, there are no clear, sure reasons.  For most, it's more than likely just a chromosomal 'misfire' if you will.  The miracle of life is just that...a true *miracle.*  The truth of the matter is that it's really kind of a crapshoot every time you get pregnant.  Thankfully the statistics are that only 1 in every 4-5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  But, that's kind of a lot. 

So, in looking at my own miscarriages...yeah...no common factors at all.  If this were my only miscarriage, I'd be tempted to blame my age or my health.  I'm no 20-something anymore.  Or even early 30-something.  I've got my hand on the doorknob of 40, about to twist and walk through.  I'm in the worst shape health-wise that I've ever been in (thank you, super stressful last couple of years).  But, I had my 1st miscarriage at age 28...and I was in incredible shape.  I had my 2nd miscarriage at age 36...seriously in the best shape of my life at that point, even after 4 pregnancies/births.  So, it's not necessarily age or health this time around, because there have been two times before that I had a miscarriage and neither of those things applied. 

There are definite reasons *sometimes* for multiple miscarriages in certain women.  Sometimes they have clotting issues, sometimes it's a lack of progesterone, etc.  And you can be certain that if I should get pregnant again, we will aggressively explore those things and make sure we detect an actual reason if there is one other than a random chromosomal mishap.  But, way more often than not, a miscarriage just happens with no warning or rhyme or reason.

I didn't know this until yesterday, but my midwife had 10 miscarriages.  10.  And all in the 2nd trimester.  She was young.  She was healthy.  Nobody in her family had had those sorts of issues.  They never found any medical reason for her miscarriages.  But, as she said, "God never allows something to happen without a purpose." She said that some of the things that have happened in her life (and she could write a big book), she can already look back and see the purpose.  Some of the things she knew immediately.  Some of the things, she will never know this side of heaven.  But, she knows that God does/allows nothing without a purpose.  I believe that.

I woke up today remembering what happened yesterday.  I hate that feeling...when you wake up and remember...and have that sinking feeling afterwards in the knowledge that it's true.  The nightmare is true...still. 

We told the kids this morning.  Eissa just sobbed...my sweet sensitive loving girl.  Hadley cried too a little and is so grown up and super supportive.  Grady was disappointed about his chance of finally having a little brother in August no longer being a possibility.  :(  Cass was disappointed too...and I think summed it up well: "Can we just go play with Legos now so maybe it will help us feel better?" LOL.  I love having them to walk through this with.  I can't imagine if this was my 3rd miscarriage and I *hadn't* had 4 wonderful successful pregnancies/births under my belt and 4 beautiful, fun, healthy kiddos to do this with.  I know there are so many people who walk through that reality.  My heart goes out to them. 

"So where does all of this leave your future?  What about more children?  What about Brazil?"

Brazil...I have no idea.  We haven't even discussed that yet.  One thing at a time.  All I know is that it is no longer an absolute must that we be back there by August anymore.  Doesn't mean we won't be back there by then.  But, it's not a must like it was before. 

As far as more children...I can't think of a better thing in life to try for over and over.  I mean, what else is so worth continually trying for?  Not a job, not any other achievement...yet so often we go for those other things with more gusto than we would even *think* to go after another little human being.  Is it just devastating when you don't get that live and healthy little baby in your arms in the end?  Yes.  But, when you do, it's worth the heartache of before.  Like I've said, as far as we know, there is no rhyme or reason for this miscarriage...or my other two.  So, my next pregnancy (if there is one) *could* be just perfect and easy and with no complications whatsoever.  But...we'll see.  Nothing is set in stone yet, obviously.  One step at a time.  Just wanted to address some of the things that you might be wondering about. 

IF we should become 'with child' again, we will most likely handle things the same way.  We can't imagine walking through this kind of thing keeping it a secret...with all of you not knowing what is going on with us.  That's just not who we are.  We love that you all were here with us to be so very super excited about this baby's life.  And we find comfort in knowing that you are here to grieve with us and pray for us now. 

I'll continue to update you and keep you posted on how we're all doing physically and otherwise.  Thank you so much for the prayers and support.  We love you guys.