Literally on the drive back from my midwife's appointment on Wednesday, I started feeling a little crampy. It had been a loooooong day and I was about to have to spend literally hours more running errands in Shreveport before I headed back home, so more crampiness was going on in Shreveport. But, sometimes you just feel bloated and crampy...even when you're healthily pregnant. I now knew I wasn't healthily pregnant, but I didn't know if the miscarrying part was beginning or not.
Nothing really happened during the day yesterday...no cramping. So I began to think that Wednesday's crampiness/aches was not necessarily due to the situation in my womb.
Then last night, just a couple of hours after I posted on Facebook, the 'real' cramping began. A couple of hours after that, I even took some Ibuprofen. And...it began. I started spotting/bleeding.
I fell asleep, woke this morning, and fully expected to be actively bleeding and passing all day today. Not the case. Just more spotting. So, we just wait and let nature take its course...with no expectations. Who knows what this will end up 'looking like.'
It's been a reeeally hard day for me. Life was difficult in many ways *before* this happened. So, this just kind of compounds it.
Sad. Grieving (more than this miscarriage) in life. Stuck. Waiting. Trying to still have hope. Tired of having hope. Struggling to have hope. Exhausted. Ready to move on. Overwhelmed by the thought of moving on. Frustrated. Annoyed. Just dog tired.
Those are a few of the ways I'd describe me these days. Today specifically. These were all true on Tuesday actually. But even more so on Wednesday. And especially today. Again...compounded. By the loss. By the *crazy* cocktail of swirling hormones in my body which I'm sure play at least a small role in my feelings of today.
So, I rest. Literally and metaphorically. I wait.
I've mentioned here on my blog/on Facebook before that in Portuguese, the same word is used for 'wait' and 'hope.' I love that. And I think it is beautifully profound. Because sometimes, in English, you cannot bring yourself to 'hope.' But, in the act of waiting, you are hoping. So...I wait.