Other Voices...Will You Listen? Will You Care?

Nobody has ever really heard from my girls personally.  And of course none of the people who blindly support Joel have asked them their thoughts or feelings, or sought anything out from them at all.  The girls OFTEN say, "What about us?  What do these people think about us...about how we feel and think?  Do they just not care?"  

They saw the post their father made about them.  And, they've left things alone and not commented or talked on other things.  But, this was different.  It was about them specifically.  They wanted to comment and put their voices out there...so they did.

He responded by silencing those voices.  He responded by deleting their words and saying in his best politician font that he wanted to resolve this in a healthy manner with our counselor...which we have already tried to do many times with him over the years.  He knows what will be said...he never listens or cares enough to do what is needed.  But, he wanted to save face there on his post. There's been no more communication since.  

As someone said, "So sad that he is more worried about how people perceive him than the feelings of his daughters."  

What did he post next?  A joke.  A funny meme. 

This is who he is. This is apparently what his followers (who include people who used to be MY friends and family) like...and they don't seem to see a thing wrong with it. He comments after his daughters bare their souls on his post with a blanket "We'll handle this with our counselor in a healthy manner"...and then he posts a joke, like nothing in the world is wrong in his life. The people who are in his life (the ones who abandoned me and my kids) apparently see nothing wrong with that. They prefer it.

How is this so?  

Do you even care?  Maybe you hate me, but how can you abandon and dismiss the kids?  

Christmas 2021

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  Not Christmas with joy anyway. Not the normal Christmas feelings...light and exciting and filled with joy. There are fleeting moments of that...and that's gotten us through.  I scheduled very cool Christmas-y things all throughout the month in preparation for these feelings for us this year.  And I did that even before 'the announcement' (and the way it was done) happened at the beginning of the month.  I did that before the fallout that's happened since then all around us.  

So there have been glimpses of joy.  But even in those activities, there is still a profound sadness about the reality we live in.  PROFOUND sadness.  An ache that just doesn't leave.  

A few of you have sent gifts to us this season, knowing that this was the case.  You know who you are.  I'm so emotional, tears flowing, just thinking of your kindness.  Thank you!  ❤️  Truly...thank you for spending extra time you didn't have to send us a package of Christmas joy this year.  Kindness gets us through.

We're in a season of grieving, just plain and simple.  We don't have any decorations up...not even our beloved Santa painting made it up this year.  Because this is our 20th move, and because we went from a huge house with a couple of storage sheds to a tiny apartment, we did our best, but we're still purging and working our way through boxes here...no room for a tree or any semblance of normal yet.  

You've seen from my posts the past couple of days (on FB) glimpses of the kinds of things we're up against, constantly, in real time.  All we can do right now is fall on our knees...in grief, in stillness, in waiting, in, well, not necessarily hope, but a feeling that SURELY THE HELL HAS TO END SOON, SURELY IT WILL GET BETTER.  How can it not?!  

'Deconstruction' has gotten a lot of attention these days.  The word, what people think it means, etc.  

We watch a lot of Survivor.  What do they have to build first thing at the beginning of each season?  A shelter.  Sometimes a storm comes and their shelter gets damaged.  Sometimes, even, they are only left with the foundation.  They have to figure out what went wrong, what parts were useful and good, and what to keep to use to build again.  

That is deconstruction, folks.  That's all it is.  People make it hard.  It's so very simple.  That's it!  What is hard to understand about that?  

Some people who deconstruct find that they don't even believe in the foundation anymore.  They don't want anything to do with that shelter or the rebuilding of it...they just don't think it's for them.  Most still stand on that foundation.  And that foundation, turns out, is truly what matters.  

It really is why we celebrate Christmas after all.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, the original Christmas didn't 'feel' like Christmas either.  

18 years ago, I was extremely big and pregnant.  My baby had been due on the 21st.  Christmas rolled around and I was still big and pregnant.  I never related to Mary more.  As we heard the Christmas story that year in church, in gatherings...I felt every bit of heaviness she must have felt.  I empathized with her then, and do now even more, having to travel far from all she'd ever known, and being scared and alone.  She knew that what she was doing was right, was part of a bigger plan...what she was doing would break cycles and bring Life.  

I fall on my knees this Christmas hoping and believing for the same things.  As I feel this profound sadness, and as me and my girls are alone...I believe in the breaking of cycles, and Life.  I believe that Life will come for us, and for all who come after us.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, then again...maybe this is the closest to the original Christmas that we've ever been.   

A Day in the Life

I post a lot more on my Facebook.  I say a lot more there...and therefore people there know more context.  But, this is just a little taste of what it's like. 

The people who have access to my FB can learn a lot.  Actually just today someone who has always supported me, after all of these years of listening to the things I say (some of them over and over, in different ways), said to me, "A ficha caiu!"  That means...something finally made sense today, something she's been wondering about for years.  It clicked.  

And that is always my hope.  It's still even my hope for Joel...that something will click, in his heart, in his mind.  For his family...that something will click, in their hearts, in their minds.  For others who have believed him instead of me (even though there's never been any reason to do that).  Some have come around.  And for that, I am grateful.  

If anyone can read even just this interaction below, or the years' worth of evidence just like this, and somehow think that I'm the problem in this equation...it just doesn't make any sense.  

Truth is important.  Safety for my girls is important.  I will never relent.  But, I'm also pretty darn reasonable, calm, and understanding...as usual.  Again...how am I the problem in this equation?  

Truth is important.

Tell Your Stories

Tell. the. truth. Tell the truth about you, what's happened to you, tell your story. Say it, write it, scream it...whatever you need to do. But...

DON'T let the 'hunters' monopolize the story.

Joel spread lies about me for almost a full 3 years before I started saying, "Wait...hang on...what he's saying isn't true!" I didn't know he was doing all that completely behind my back...at all. But...

Be careful. Don't let that happen. Tell your stories!!

A Bit of Truth

It's been a week of processing. There are so many things that are so confusing about people. But, here's what I know with 100% certainty.

-I was the perfect partner for Joel.

-I was the love of his life (I've said this for years; so has he).

-He was taught to be unfeeling, heartless, without empathy, like a robot.

-He was taught that he was entitled...that a woman should only just follow him and if she challenged him, she was trying to usurp authority.

-He was taught to believe these things, be loyal to these things that he's been taught by his family of origin, and be loyal to that family of origin above all else.

-He has learning disabilities (this is a real thing...he was diagnosed as a child); I see this as more and more an issue in his life (which he denies and tries to hide, which makes it even more of a problem).

-He wasn't willing to go against his family of origin to get the help he needed and make the changes that needed to be made to save his relationships with his wife and children.

-He will always be looking for me in other women.

-What he told the kids just a few months ago, that nobody will ever measure up to me, is true.

-I feel bad for him. I feel bad for these women who will never be able to be his perfect partner the way I was.

-I feel bad for us...me and his children, left in the ruins. We were the best things for him, his biggest fans...and he threw us away.

What Abuse Looks Like, As Documented

I've never shared these here.  For months it's been 'heavy on my heart' (as we say in the church) to do so.  I have put if off and put it off.  I just kept thinking, 'Maybe if I keep waiting, that feeling that I need to do this will go away...we'll see.' 

It never went away.  It's time.

If you've wondered about more detail of what happened in our marriage, and how Joel and his family worked within that time, reading these documents will be very revealing for you.  I never really knew these people, even though I thought I did.  I thought we were so very close and a loving family, all of us.  That was very obviously not the case.  To see what they were capable of was very eye-opening and devastating to accept.

I compiled these documents for a counselor we once had, and added on a couple of times for other counselors (you will see some familiar language, personal references I mentioned within; for instance, we lived in the house that belonged to one of them and Cass was born there).  It's not at all professional writing, just compiled and copied and pasted...something I did while in the depths of great trauma, crying out desperately to be heard and helped as I tried to survive the constant tsunamis crashing against me (you will see exactly what I mean as you read through this).  I will someday go through it and clean it all up, presenting it in a more professional format.  I just can't revisit it for that amount of time yet.  It's too painful.

I will never understand why the people around me who claimed to love me wouldn't just love me (the verb).  Why they wouldn't just take care of me and help me.  Why they would have rather convinced themselves of the stories they told themselves about me, without any evidence of what they were saying (not even close).  Nothing of what they were doing and saying made sense...it still doesn't.  

For instance...why would Kristin, after being asked by Joel to try to help him to understand, report back to him that basically it was pointless to even try with me?  What had I said in my genuine and vulnerable responses to her that could even be misconstrued as me being a hopeless case?  Why would she treat me so inhumanely?  

The same with Danny's email, and Angela's comments/messages, and the involvement of EVERYONE connected...why were they all going along with such corrupt, immoral, and bullying behavior?  

It's all there in the Correspondence.

Any of Joel's friends and family...this might clear up some things for you about what was actually happening, and what actually happened to our marriage.  I know you've been told a version of what happened, but this is actually what occurred, in their own words.  

When sharing these things within counseling sessions, Joel never once refuted the things in these documents (the Timeline, nor the Correspondence).  Just fyi.  He somehow still believed he was completely innocent, even though clearly within these documents the opposite is obviously true.  Sadly, because of the beliefs that women are just supposed to follow and support their husbands, in most of the 'Christian' counseling we were under (that's just the only thing we knew at the time), he was supported in the belief that I was supposed to just quietly follow along with this abusive behavior from him and his family.

Another note:  If you're new here, our last name used to be Ebersole.  We changed it.  I will share that story here someday maybe.  But, I praise God every single day that my children and I don't have to go through life tied to the name of our abusers.  If you think that calling them abusers is language that is too strong, then you haven't learned what the term 'abuse' means.  Educate yourself, learn, grow, and become safe for the hundreds of thousands of women and children just like us.

What abuse looks like, as documented...

The Timeline - written in Spring 2014
The Correspondence - written in Spring/Fall 2015

"What in the Handmaid's Tale?"

This past Monday, as news was breaking about Gabby Petito's body being found, I was also working through a lecture, and then posted this.  It speaks for itself.  I'm also including the comments because a lot can be learned from them too.   For a refresher, in May 2012 when we came back to the states for what was only supposed to be a few months, I simply needed to rest and heal and recover from the lifestyle we'd been living for many years, and esp. from the last year we'd had.  Lots of stress, trauma, and loss had already occurred that year just circumstantially...not at the hands of Joel or the people around us.  I needed to be gathered in, taken care of, loved well.  I needed to rest and heal.  Instead, when we got back to the states, much more stress and upheaval came (I was barely hanging on by a thread).  Joel refused to stop our pace, insisted that I just keep going, accused me of being controlling and manipulative and rebellious because I couldn't, and started complaining about me to anyone who would listen (he had actually already started doing that with his own family at the beginning of 2012).   It's been a long decade.  We are now divorcing.  And I consistently teach of the dangers of bad theology regarding marriage, gender roles, forgiveness, and family.  This quote from another abuse advocate, Andrea Aleksandrova, shows the danger of complementarianism, and exactly how it was applied in my life to destroy our lives and family as we knew them.  Do not tell me that complementarianism can be healthy.  It cannot.  ~Because of complementarianism, many churches believe that men are the leaders of women.

If men are the leaders of women, then the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men.

If the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men, men's needs become prioritized over women's needs.

If men's needs become prioritized over women's needs, women's needs become secondary.

If women's needs become secondary, neglect, abuse, and abandonment flourish.

God help us.~ You will see very clearly how this is believed and applied below. The FB post from Monday... I will make my way back to the Gabby conversations/posts, and will post more later.  I had to take a break. 💔 But also...all that we've been discussing within that situation is 100% related to what I'm sharing here.  It's all so related. I've mentioned that I'm working my way through a couple of courses.  Today this definition of pride came up in a lesson about self-care/self-compassion... ~Pride is something that makes you think you are better than others to the point where:

-that gives you permission to treat them poorly

-that gives you permission to make choices over them and to take away their agency

-you believe that because you are so elevated and you are so beyond criticism that you are allowed to do things, even if they might hurt another person, because you know better…*you* have this agency.~ It immediately made me think of the counsel Joel got...especially from his family.  The following is an email from his father (btw, I'm not correcting any of his misspellings or spacing issues...that is how the email came)...you will see what I mean about why I thought of this with that pride definition.  You will also see so much language that points to why abuse is so rampant (and covered up) in the church.  This is a man who I said for years was like Jesus.  He really does embody a Christ-like demeanor.  I never saw anything but Christ-likeness come out of him for the first 13 years I knew him.  But, and hear me on this... **Even if you have that kind of gentle demeanor, if what your theology is based on at your core is this...you are prideful and abusive.** Also...he's a pastor. This is who Joel chose to stay in a relationship with over me.  This is who Joel left me and the kids for.  This was sent to Joel in February 2014.  We separated for the first time the following May.  Also, this man, even though I felt as though we were close, never once in all of those years reached out to me to ask me my side of the story. After we got back together in September 2014, I tried desperately to get them all (it wasn't just his father who said things like this) to talk very honestly through all of this so that we could reconcile. They refused. (*His P.S. at the end - As he wrote this, I had just lost our baby.  I was still actively bleeding and cramping and wondering if I'd need surgery...and Joel was complaining to them because I was asking him to postpone his trip to Brazil.  I am a nurse, I am a childbirth educator and doula, I had successfully birthed 4 children and this was my 3rd miscarriage.  Yet, apparently they felt they needed to 'educate' us on this matter.  Again...no wonder I thought of this letter as I heard that definition of pride.)

***********************************

Dearest Son Joel,

I did not sleep well last night with a heavy heart.  I feel as your Dad I need to share some things with you, about your situation with Michawn.  Please hear and the Lord will give you further insight and direction.

Joel I greatly admire your fortitude, perseverance and commitment to Michawn and your family.  I know many times you feel like giving up, but don’t.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel.  By hanging in their you will see your children serving the Lord.

It is well understood among men and women who understand the principles of God’s Word, that the foremost reason God places the man as head of his home is to be a spiritual covering and bring spiritual protection to his wife and children.  It is also understood that when a woman does not submit to her husband she opens the door to be deceived by Satan, who is out to kill, steal and destroy marriages and families. 

God has made the woman different then man.  What makes them tick are the emotions and feelings.  For a woman there is nothing wrong with this, it is a wonderful part of her being wife and mother,  But it is an area where if she is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception.  Bringing havoc to her emotions. This is what is happening to Michawn.

It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy.  She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands.  But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving  and giving some more.  You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.

To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults.  You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you.  She has falsely accused you.  It is one of the tactics of the enemy.  He is called the accuser of the brethren.  I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.

It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you.  Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family.

There are some stands you need to take for your spiritual well being and that of the children.  You need to get into a Spirit filled church urgently.  Even if it means driving an hour to Shrieveport or Rustin every Sunday.  Make your position known and if Michawn does not go, you and the children go.  Insist that the children go.  As Michawn will try to get them to stay with her and sway them against your position.  You need to take a strong stand in this. Explaining to the older children what the true issues are.

I firmly believe that our commitment to the Lord is expressed in our commitment to specific brothers and sisters in a local body of believers, where the Word of God says we are not to forsake gathering together.

The Psalmist says that The righteous flourish planted in the house of the Lord.

Solomon says there is a time for peace and a time for war.  You are in a time for war.  Our warefare in not against flesh and blood, not against Michawn but against the enemy that has deceived her.  Joel we stand with you in this war.  What the enemy has done to Michawn’s parents he wants to do with your marriage.  Michawn has given in to that, and even spoken of leaving   You must take the opposite stand and declare you will not leave, you will not close your heart.

If Michawn separates herself from you emotionally or in any other way because of your stand on the principles of God’s Word, the Bible says to let her go. Light and darkness will not have any fellowship.  Trying to reason with her will not resolve issues that arise.

I feel (and I may be wrong) that at this time of your life you should not take on new projects as a husband and wife.  You should not go to Brazil as a family, or plan to adopt.  You have your hands full with dealing successfully with the situation as it is.  A change in location will not change Michawn.  Only God can change her, that’s what we are believing for. But she has to open to Him for help, and she has not gotten to that place yet.

I feel you need to take the full time job that is offered you in Rustin, for support of your family.

Joel if the Lord leads differently, like going back to Brazil we stand with you.  It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are.  But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.

It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would  keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do.  You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family.  I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will.  But telling her first what you decided.  God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you.  You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God. 

We love Michawn and our prayer for her is:

Lord have mercy upon her,

Forgive her,

Protect her, Keep her

Deliver and bring healing to her.

Joel we love you.  Our heart hurts for you.  We feel your pain.  The Lord sees also and he comforts you.  Let him take you in his arms and love on you.

Dad

PS. Mom wanted to say it is normal after childbirth or miscarriage for bleeding for up to two months, until it gradually stops. Michawn’s bleeding is  not abnormal.  That’s why the mid-wife wants to see her later on.  If the bleeding becomes heavier, that is not normal. A week after birth or miscarriage a woman can resume a light schedule as long as she does not overdo it with heavy lifting.

This Is What Destroyed My Family

I haven't posted here in a long time.  A lot has happened in over a year.  You can see what came of trying to reason with unsafe people in the last few entries here.  I just really didn't have any more to say here after that.  (I say a LOT on my Facebook page, but not here.)

Today I made this post and I thought it was important enough to share here.  

Often people ask me what 'complementarianism' is...what am I always talking about? It's this...

In complementarianism:
-men and women have distinct roles in both home and society
-men take the leadership role as the authoritative head of the home
-women take the supporting, submissive role, and are not to usurp the authority of men
-in decision-making, women might give input, but men have the final word
-if there is disagreement about how to move forward, men have the tie-breaking vote

Period. No nuances. This is the law.

This is literally what destroyed my family. I physically could not do what my husband was saying we should do, and because of that, I was accused of trying to usurp his authority and not being a holy, Biblical wife. As his family/mentors told him, I had given myself over to the devil. All because I couldn't physically keep going when he wanted to keep going.

**He is still using the same mentality with our daughters, trying to demand they do things they don't want to do. Trying to demand they do things that make them feel unsafe. It's a narcissist-breeding theology.