This past Monday, as news was breaking about Gabby Petito's body being found, I was also working through a lecture, and then posted this. It speaks for itself. I'm also including the comments because a lot can be learned from them too. For a refresher, in May 2012 when we came back to the states for what was only supposed to be a few months, I simply needed to rest and heal and recover from the lifestyle we'd been living for many years, and esp. from the last year we'd had. Lots of stress, trauma, and loss had already occurred that year just circumstantially...not at the hands of Joel or the people around us. I needed to be gathered in, taken care of, loved well. I needed to rest and heal. Instead, when we got back to the states, much more stress and upheaval came (I was barely hanging on by a thread). Joel refused to stop our pace, insisted that I just keep going, accused me of being controlling and manipulative and rebellious because I couldn't, and started complaining about me to anyone who would listen (he had actually already started doing that with his own family at the beginning of 2012). It's been a long decade. We are now divorcing. And I consistently teach of the dangers of bad theology regarding marriage, gender roles, forgiveness, and family. This quote from another abuse advocate, Andrea Aleksandrova, shows the danger of complementarianism, and exactly how it was applied in my life to destroy our lives and family as we knew them. Do not tell me that complementarianism can be healthy. It cannot. ~Because of complementarianism, many churches believe that men are the leaders of women.
If men are the leaders of women, then the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men.
If the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men, men's needs become prioritized over women's needs.
If men's needs become prioritized over women's needs, women's needs become secondary.
If women's needs become secondary, neglect, abuse, and abandonment flourish.
God help us.~ You will see very clearly how this is believed and applied below. The FB post from Monday... I will make my way back to the Gabby conversations/posts, and will post more later. I had to take a break. 💔 But also...all that we've been discussing within that situation is 100% related to what I'm sharing here. It's all so related. I've mentioned that I'm working my way through a couple of courses. Today this definition of pride came up in a lesson about self-care/self-compassion... ~Pride is something that makes you think you are better than others to the point where:
-that gives you permission to treat them poorly
-that gives you permission to make choices over them and to take away their agency
-you believe that because you are so elevated and you are so beyond criticism that you are allowed to do things, even if they might hurt another person, because you know better…*you* have this agency.~ It immediately made me think of the counsel Joel got...especially from his family. The following is an email from his father (btw, I'm not correcting any of his misspellings or spacing issues...that is how the email came)...you will see what I mean about why I thought of this with that pride definition. You will also see so much language that points to why abuse is so rampant (and covered up) in the church. This is a man who I said for years was like Jesus. He really does embody a Christ-like demeanor. I never saw anything but Christ-likeness come out of him for the first 13 years I knew him. But, and hear me on this... **Even if you have that kind of gentle demeanor, if what your theology is based on at your core is this...you are prideful and abusive.** Also...he's a pastor. This is who Joel chose to stay in a relationship with over me. This is who Joel left me and the kids for. This was sent to Joel in February 2014. We separated for the first time the following May. Also, this man, even though I felt as though we were close, never once in all of those years reached out to me to ask me my side of the story. After we got back together in September 2014, I tried desperately to get them all (it wasn't just his father who said things like this) to talk very honestly through all of this so that we could reconcile. They refused. (*His P.S. at the end - As he wrote this, I had just lost our baby. I was still actively bleeding and cramping and wondering if I'd need surgery...and Joel was complaining to them because I was asking him to postpone his trip to Brazil. I am a nurse, I am a childbirth educator and doula, I had successfully birthed 4 children and this was my 3rd miscarriage. Yet, apparently they felt they needed to 'educate' us on this matter. Again...no wonder I thought of this letter as I heard that definition of pride.)
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Dearest Son Joel,
I did not sleep well last night with a heavy heart. I feel as your Dad I need to share some things with you, about your situation with Michawn. Please hear and the Lord will give you further insight and direction.
Joel I greatly admire your fortitude, perseverance and commitment to Michawn and your family. I know many times you feel like giving up, but don’t. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. By hanging in their you will see your children serving the Lord.
It is well understood among men and women who understand the principles of God’s Word, that the foremost reason God places the man as head of his home is to be a spiritual covering and bring spiritual protection to his wife and children. It is also understood that when a woman does not submit to her husband she opens the door to be deceived by Satan, who is out to kill, steal and destroy marriages and families.
God has made the woman different then man. What makes them tick are the emotions and feelings. For a woman there is nothing wrong with this, it is a wonderful part of her being wife and mother, But it is an area where if she is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception. Bringing havoc to her emotions. This is what is happening to Michawn.
It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy. She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands. But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving and giving some more. You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.
To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults. You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you. She has falsely accused you. It is one of the tactics of the enemy. He is called the accuser of the brethren. I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.
It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you. Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family.
There are some stands you need to take for your spiritual well being and that of the children. You need to get into a Spirit filled church urgently. Even if it means driving an hour to Shrieveport or Rustin every Sunday. Make your position known and if Michawn does not go, you and the children go. Insist that the children go. As Michawn will try to get them to stay with her and sway them against your position. You need to take a strong stand in this. Explaining to the older children what the true issues are.
I firmly believe that our commitment to the Lord is expressed in our commitment to specific brothers and sisters in a local body of believers, where the Word of God says we are not to forsake gathering together.
The Psalmist says that The righteous flourish planted in the house of the Lord.
Solomon says there is a time for peace and a time for war. You are in a time for war. Our warefare in not against flesh and blood, not against Michawn but against the enemy that has deceived her. Joel we stand with you in this war. What the enemy has done to Michawn’s parents he wants to do with your marriage. Michawn has given in to that, and even spoken of leaving You must take the opposite stand and declare you will not leave, you will not close your heart.
If Michawn separates herself from you emotionally or in any other way because of your stand on the principles of God’s Word, the Bible says to let her go. Light and darkness will not have any fellowship. Trying to reason with her will not resolve issues that arise.
I feel (and I may be wrong) that at this time of your life you should not take on new projects as a husband and wife. You should not go to Brazil as a family, or plan to adopt. You have your hands full with dealing successfully with the situation as it is. A change in location will not change Michawn. Only God can change her, that’s what we are believing for. But she has to open to Him for help, and she has not gotten to that place yet.
I feel you need to take the full time job that is offered you in Rustin, for support of your family.
Joel if the Lord leads differently, like going back to Brazil we stand with you. It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are. But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.
It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do. You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family. I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will. But telling her first what you decided. God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you. You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God.
We love Michawn and our prayer for her is:
Lord have mercy upon her,
Forgive her,
Protect her, Keep her
Deliver and bring healing to her.
Joel we love you. Our heart hurts for you. We feel your pain. The Lord sees also and he comforts you. Let him take you in his arms and love on you.
Dad
PS. Mom wanted to say it is normal after childbirth or miscarriage for bleeding for up to two months, until it gradually stops. Michawn’s bleeding is not abnormal. That’s why the mid-wife wants to see her later on. If the bleeding becomes heavier, that is not normal. A week after birth or miscarriage a woman can resume a light schedule as long as she does not overdo it with heavy lifting.
2 comments:
I don’t get you Michawn.
My dad listened to what you said about his email years ago.
He realized how his assumptions, guidance and even mid-set were hurtful even thought he did not want to discuss it at first.
Since then he as apologized many times and read a bunch of egalitarian books. Agrees with it and even has enrolled in certified accredited courses to come a better counselor.
Why can’t you let this go?
Oh goodness. You continue to lie about this. You do that so that you can justify living in your delusional life. You 'need' to make what you are doing justifiable, so you lie about what happened. But, it's just not the truth.
I write this for you (even though you will continue to lie to yourself about what happened), but also for anyone who happens to run across this post and the comments...so that they will know the truth.
No...no your father (and the rest of your family) refused to talk to me, and we needed to focus on trying to fix our own marriage. We couldn't continue to keep trying to convince your family to do the right thing and talk through it all. So...we were forced to cut ties with them to focus on us. We said that we would focus on just us for a year...and then we would revisit them after that year and hopefully they would be ready to talk things out.
But then what did you all do? Enter into a secret relationship. You lied and snuck phone calls and emails and texts behind my back. They would send something and remind you to delete it all so I wouldn't see. You all plotted behind my back to try to manipulate things in order to get me to do what you all wanted me to do. For instance (and this is just one example), you got your brother to email me asking if we could meet up in person, then when he did email me and I got upset about him violating our boundaries to not communicate with us, you pretended to be upset too and sent him an email expressing your fake disappointment. It was all a ruse. All of you were in on this ruse...from November 2014 - July 2015 when you failed to delete one of the phone calls from your aunt and I found it.
Deceit, lies, tricks, people who had already said unimaginably horrible things about me and then refused to talk about it with me to try to clear it all up...after the secret 'affair' with them for the better part of a year, I was done with those people. They had proven who they were from the beginning of 2012 until July 2015...I had given them 3 1/2 years to do the right thing. At some point, you have to cut ties with toxic people. And I was at that point.
You then had a choice. Do you stay with those people who were clearly toxic, and who you were toxic with? Or do you leave and cleave, walk out of that toxicity, live a life of integrity, and have an amazing life with your wife and 4 beautiful amazing children.
You chose the toxicity.
Do not come on my blog spewing your lies. They will always always always be met with truth. Always.
For a review of what actually happened in our lives...
https://michawn.blogspot.com/2015/07/joel-michawn-part-30-lies-deceit.html
https://michawn.blogspot.com/2015/08/joel-michawn-part-37-those-7-months.html
And so much more of the same in the years following. Your father continues to show the craziness of his beliefs, and the toxicity of his way of thinking and doing things. See here (the 4th in a series of posts about a more recent conversation with him):
https://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/02/principle-two-part-3.html
Also, you ask why I "can't let it go." This is my story. I won't be letting the truth of my life go. Go where? Where would you like it to go? I use it now to help others, to teach about the horrible wrong that is evident here (and in so many other families), to show the bad theology and wrong teachings of the church, etc. etc. etc. I would love it if this wasn't my story. But, you made this my story. And I will use it to help others until I die. I will be speaking of this until I die. I've told you this for years...somehow you still think you can try to shame me for still speaking about it. But that will never be the case.
You're lying about what happened, Joel. You've refused to live in the truth for years now. I hope that someday that changes for you.
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