tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-247943702024-03-14T02:11:10.314-05:00MICHAWN'S MEANDERINGSMichawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.comBlogger817125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-23197177142489640102023-07-04T13:52:00.000-05:002023-07-04T13:52:49.770-05:00The Truth of What Was Said and Done to Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi3-SxFL6fghqwL_jSBiAd_NBi0SuLDMmTFzoKJ2c-p4WzYCT4Ek2WrZNaqHwHx3QYaIssgpsy9rH8Z6e2QAVVA5_C-noT6A2tORpHphRsf9MDKQsS-VHKrs68TIQ9BnSO0tuRb-F_ItRs--Z2pCdoLu_qqr79X31oIsKvQzSFon9I4M64aqiaF" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi3-SxFL6fghqwL_jSBiAd_NBi0SuLDMmTFzoKJ2c-p4WzYCT4Ek2WrZNaqHwHx3QYaIssgpsy9rH8Z6e2QAVVA5_C-noT6A2tORpHphRsf9MDKQsS-VHKrs68TIQ9BnSO0tuRb-F_ItRs--Z2pCdoLu_qqr79X31oIsKvQzSFon9I4M64aqiaF=w400-h400" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><p><br /></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-41305414282491924612022-04-17T01:55:00.000-05:002022-04-17T01:55:11.061-05:00Easter<p>Our last happy Easter together as a family, before the betrayal, lies, and abuse started.<br /><br />What a beautiful family and life he discarded so easily. SO easily.<br /><br />Education, friends...that is what abusers do. They discard people...easily. They don't fight for the people they claim to love...they demand their entitled way, and then if that is not successful, they lie and walk away.<br /><br />Just a picture of what he had, and what he threw away because he prioritized himself and his family of origin.<br /><br />If that doesn't make sense to you, join the club. It doesn't make sense. What abusers do doesn't make sense.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi40fLmObP3TNVWKVzETYu9yCnqWdQ6vhM5-aH-1vkshIcoKCRNtxw3ysy8XOnjPBMxVaoiuo0oj2qMhnZrrLWzJdGMMzTVkSTsMNi5pTHak93wClE-L9DB7LwDExbP6HDDvUmjoKox_MEtyQf6PfufcB7E4C9fcO0S7KGnss8SP_9TWhxDQw/s2048/Easter%202011.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi40fLmObP3TNVWKVzETYu9yCnqWdQ6vhM5-aH-1vkshIcoKCRNtxw3ysy8XOnjPBMxVaoiuo0oj2qMhnZrrLWzJdGMMzTVkSTsMNi5pTHak93wClE-L9DB7LwDExbP6HDDvUmjoKox_MEtyQf6PfufcB7E4C9fcO0S7KGnss8SP_9TWhxDQw/w400-h267/Easter%202011.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-88222348915557282772022-03-08T12:13:00.001-06:002022-03-08T20:37:58.805-06:00Taught to Abuse<p>When Joel first became unhappy with me and the promise (he had made to me all on his own without me asking), his instinct, his first action, was not to come to me and talk with me about it like a grown adult in a marriage relationship of 11 happy years. Instead, he went to his parents and complained about me, badmouthed me, and lied about me. He continued to do that, adding in his siblings, for months before I even knew that there was a problem. He didn't come to me. He went elsewhere. <br /><br />That is HIGHLY problematic. It is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense (we'd never had a problem working things out between us...why did he go to them and keep me in the dark about there even being a problem?). It is also the epitome of wrong in a marriage. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." He had stopped cleaving to me (if he ever really did) already...even before I knew anything was wrong. <br /><br />Sadly, they didn't say to him, "Son, you need to cleave to your wife. Does she know that you are coming to us and saying bad things about her?" Or, "Brother, have you tried to work this out with her? Have you been completely honest with her? Or are you coming to us without her even knowing that anything is wrong?" <br /><br />Instead, <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2021/11/what-abuse-looks-like-as-documented.html" target="_blank">you can read here about what happened</a> initially, and the catastrophic events that kept happening regarding his family, one after the other, for years (and it continues to this day).<br /><br />It is sad and wrong that Joel's #1 priority was his family of origin, that he sought to please them first and foremost. It is sad and wrong that he always did whatever they said. But, if his father (Joel's primary mentor; who he sadly listens to most in this world) had at least had a good theology and belief system regarding marriage, maybe we would have had a fighting chance. Instead, <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2021/11/what-abuse-looks-like-as-documented.html" target="_blank">as you can see</a>, he taught the opposite of what is healthy in marriage. He told Joel to leave me, to abandon me, to not meet my needs, and to focus on what he wanted. He told Joel that no matter what, I was supposed to follow him. He told Joel that it was my fault that all this was happening, and that I had given myself over to the devil. <br /><br />Do you know what you call not meeting a loved one's needs, neglecting them, and choosing to continue to hurt them when you've been told that you are causing them extreme pain? That's called abuse. <br /><br />Joel chose to abuse me. But, not only that...he was taught to abuse me. <br /><br />The following needs to be taught from the rooftops. <br /><br />THE CHURCH HAS TO CHANGE!! The false theology is destroying families!!<br /><br />Read this, learn, grow, change, and teach it to everyone around you. <br /><br />From <a href="https://www.facebook.com/patrickweaverministries" target="_blank">Patrick Weaver Ministries</a>...<br /><br />Dear Abuser,<br /><br />Once a man abuses a woman, he is immediately disconnected from God…”His prayers are hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). I know, somebody is going to ask, “What about women who abuse men?” I didn’t say that women don’t abuse men or that women get a free pass, I’m specifically talking to men. You see, the church routinely subjects women to false theology that obligates them to submit to their abusive husbands — contrary to God’s word.<br /><br />This false theology disregards the fact that when the Bible refers to submission in a marriage it isn’t speaking to abusive husbands, and secondly, divine submission is reciprocal, and it is evidenced by behavior that deeply and profoundly respects Christ: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The lie that women are often told is that submission is one-way — from a wife to a husband, and submission is Godly even if the husband’s behavior is ungodly. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.<br /><br />Toxic patriarchy has so confused the abused, misled the mistreated and ostracized the oppressed, that abuse victims, women, are often led to believe that God ordained their suffering at the hands of an abuser, and that submission to an abuser is their Godly responsibility…their good Christian duty. Another patriarchal lie from the pit of hell.<br /><br />Your abuse is not your wife’s portion, purpose or God’s plan. Her relationship with God is superior to her relationship with you. Honoring God by guarding her temple is superior to tolerating your abuse. And let’s be clear, you are not submitted to your wife as the Bible tells you to be if you are abusing her. Your submission is clearly required (Ephesians 5:21), and the behavior that evidences your submission is clearly defined by God: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29). There is no way that God’s covenant instructions for a husband agree with any kind of abuse of a wife — emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. How in the heck can abuse agree with, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”?<br /><br />I’m speaking to men, specifically, because men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that an abusive wife is a godly wife. Men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that a wife who abuses her husband is to be tolerated, placated, or “submitted” to. Men in the church have never been told that a godly wife can also be an abuser. Men in the church are taught: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4), and, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9).<br /><br />See, the toxic, false patriarchal teaching that is so rampant in the church concerning God’s will and word regarding an abusive husband creates an unholy imbalance of power, which has aided you, the abuser, in believing that God gives you authority to be your wife’s Pharaoh — as opposed to the responsibility to love her as Christ loves the church.<br /><br />Her Savior is her example of how she’s supposed to be loved and treated in a marriage…”Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” At no time did Christ abuse the church. It’s not her job or calling to fix you. It’s not her assignment to love you more or to submit more to stop you from abusing her. The reward for abuse is not a wife. The reward for abuse, is you being removed from her life.</p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-33323512348371484692022-01-23T21:36:00.002-06:002023-10-12T12:09:31.093-05:00The Stories We Tell Ourselves<p>We went over and over this with Joel in counseling. Over and over this. For years. We talked with him about this concept of the stories we tell ourselves.</p><p>After so many years, the evidence of the truth was clear...and our counselor (and others) tried to help him to see the TRUTH instead of the 'story he was making up.' He had zero evidence for the stories he told himself and others. He still has zero evidence. Yet, he tells the same stories...and people just believe him (until they talk to me and see the evidence; yet it's rare that someone actually talks to me and seeks out truth). </p><p>Two things: </p><p>1. Something that happened our last Christmas in Brazil (we had just gotten some really bad news at that time, so it was already a hard time for me) came up the other day...Christmas 2011. I had JUST unwrapped a gift from my aunt. It was beautiful, and I had just gotten a glance at it when the kids got too rambunctious and broke it. I got understandably upset. Now, that kind of upset doesn't look like some of the 'upset' from some people I know...there was no yelling, no hitting, no cussing, no none of that. But, I was upset, and I let the kids know that I was upset by just using my words. It wasn't pretty and tidy and 'happy.' What did Joel do? He was about to stop our video camera (we recorded all of our Christmas mornings) and erase that part. Hadley, esp., remembers that incident, but she didn't remember that Joel part. I told that part the other day when it came up and she was like, "Whoa, foreshadowing." I told him then..."Look, I'm upset. But, we'll get through it, it will be resolved, and we don't have to hide real life from our videos. It's fine. Why would you want to erase that?" Hadley's absolutely right...major foreshadowing.</p><p>A decade of that same sort of behavior. And then...</p><p>2. Skip to Christmas this past year, just a month ago...the week of Christmas 2021. He posted about the girls. Each of them commented on his post...comments that told the truth about how they feel, comments that were NOT flattering to him or the image that he fights to protect at all costs. What did he do? He hid his daughters' comments. He silenced them on his page. It didn't line up with what he wants the world to think of him. It didn't line up with what he himself thinks of himself. So...he erased it. He erased their words and their feelings and their thoughts. He acted like it never happened, like he never read those words. And then he continued to ask our counselor to ask the girls how they really feel and help him to understand them (as if the girls and our counselor haven't already told him these things, and tried to help him understand for years already). He REFUSES to actually hear and take in the things he doesn't want to hear...the things that don't align with the image he has of himself.</p><p>It's what he does. He is so committed to the image that he has of himself, and the stories he tells himself, he has lost EVERYTHING. Everything. <br /><br />Brené Brown's 'number one life hack' for lasting relationships:<br /><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8?fbclid=IwAR0PzuGb1uAy3nHNhm3LP_ZzeYmq6BlZPt-2JpulKonmSv4zppwjZIPUt60">https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8?fbclid=IwAR0PzuGb1uAy3nHNhm3LP_ZzeYmq6BlZPt-2JpulKonmSv4zppwjZIPUt60</a><br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5HR1ZWuZBrQb8wjenqMLEt-YiUfQ4b1YTE6G94pW7xp__KW8gQLcJJ03jB55Syzqo7AF2v7OJ9NXD0Olbe6nqOm7IqNIcO5h2pVlcrVzvyzSF1FwB5XakV8L1VfoiUUp16HIc/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="225" data-original-width="300" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5HR1ZWuZBrQb8wjenqMLEt-YiUfQ4b1YTE6G94pW7xp__KW8gQLcJJ03jB55Syzqo7AF2v7OJ9NXD0Olbe6nqOm7IqNIcO5h2pVlcrVzvyzSF1FwB5XakV8L1VfoiUUp16HIc/w400-h300/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /> <p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-88423651881176726372022-01-12T16:46:00.003-06:002022-01-12T16:46:46.817-06:00Why Do You Believe Him...With Zero Evidence?<p>(Português abaixo)</p><p>I heard someone close to Joel say, just yesterday, that I was his best friend, the perfect person for him, and that they too thought I was just an amazing girl...until I developed that mental illness. <br /><br />Actually, this was the direct quote: "Joel and Michawn were perfect for each other before she became crazy. Michawn <b>was</b> an amazing person, before this mental illness entered her head." </p><p>While I know that he has people convinced that I am not just 'crazy' in the layperson's way of saying it, but that I literally have been diagnosed with a mental illness...it's just still so unbelievable to hear it. And these people have just taken him at his word. </p><p>It's like our counselor says to him over and over again, "Joel, just because you have convinced yourself that something is true doesn't make it true. Where is your evidence? Show us your evidence for what you say." Never once has he presented any evidence for *anything* he claims, including this mental illness claim. </p><p>The way this person said what they said yesterday, so nonchalantly, so matter of fact, like me having a mental illness was just FACT and what ruined our marriage/family...like it was understood by everyone and nobody had ever refuted that claim or questioned it...truly baffling.</p><p>But also, the question I always come back to...</p><p>If I did have a mental illness, Joel and his family's answer was to just abandon me? Their answer was to talk bad about me? What happened to the vows that say we're supposed to love in SICKNESS and in health? I *was* sick...physically...and needed to be taken care of. But, they didn't believe me or want to do that. So, they made up this mental illness story.</p><p>If they are actually people who follow Jesus, how would any of this be ok with them? </p><p>People who might read this who are still believing this story that I am 'crazy'...why do you believe that? Where is your evidence?</p><p>----------------------</p><p>Eu ouvi alguém próximo a Joel dizer, só ontem, que eu era melhor amigo do Joel, a pessoa perfeita para ele, e que essa pessoa também achavam que eu era uma garota incrível...até que eu desenvolvi essa doença mental.<br /><br />Na verdade, a citação direta foi: "Joel e Michawn eram perfeitos um para o outro antes de ela ficou doida. Michawn <b>era</b> uma pessoa ótima, antes dessa loucura entrou na cabeça dela."<br /><br />Embora eu saiba que ele tem as pessoas convencidas de que eu não sou apenas 'louca' na maneira informal de dizer isso, mas que eu literalmente fui diagnosticado com uma doença mental...ainda é tão inacreditável ouvir isso. E essas pessoas acabaram de acreditar em sua palavra.</p><p>É como se nossa conselheira lhe dissesse repetidamente: "Joel, só porque você se convenceu de que algo é verdade não significa que seja verdade. Onde está sua evidência? Mostre-nos sua evidência para o que você diz." Nunca uma vez ele apresentou qualquer evidência de *qualquer coisa* que ele afirme, incluindo essa alegação de doença mental.</p><p>A maneira como essa pessoa disse o que disse ontem, tão despreocupadamente, tão de fato, como se eu tivesse uma doença mental era apenas FATO e o que arruinou nosso casamento/família...como se fosse entendido por todos e ninguém jamais refutou essa afirmação, ou questionou...realmente desconcertante.</p><p>Mas também, a pergunta que eu sempre volto...</p><p>Se eu tivesse mesmo uma doença mental, a resposta do Joel e família dele era simplesmente me abandonar? A resposta deles foi falar mal de mim? O que aconteceu com os votos que dizem que devemos amar na DOENÇA e na saúde? Eu *estava* doente...fisicamente...e precisava de cuidados. Mas, eles não acreditaram em mim ou querem fazer isso. Então, eles inventaram essa história de doença mental.</p><p>Se eles são realmente pessoas que seguem a Jesus, como isso seria bom para eles?</p><p>As pessoas que podem ler isso que ainda estão acreditando nessa história de que eu sou 'louca'...por que você acredita nisso? Onde está sua evidência?<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjQyTjHbFASbk1_q53VxdZchO5pG9nmLGSaZvQ-xqa4kp4ICiQJdgRaVueKWhi_pH6vffUVrtjXk-9CjLEb645PJ1kmc0vLHp6GCbkmdC3eZU9IN9kPangdNETMcYE_sfMXWWGJOUpFC5af8kpLcX17QU7rgx9ukK16XXz-DR-Jxo6sdnouhA=s940" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" height="335" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjQyTjHbFASbk1_q53VxdZchO5pG9nmLGSaZvQ-xqa4kp4ICiQJdgRaVueKWhi_pH6vffUVrtjXk-9CjLEb645PJ1kmc0vLHp6GCbkmdC3eZU9IN9kPangdNETMcYE_sfMXWWGJOUpFC5af8kpLcX17QU7rgx9ukK16XXz-DR-Jxo6sdnouhA=w400-h335" width="400" /></a></div><p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-90003187502352402172022-01-07T18:00:00.003-06:002022-01-07T18:00:40.575-06:00We MUST Live in Truth...We Must<p>This comment was left on one of Joel's posts. For those of you who know Portuguese, wow. Whoever this person is...they're pissed. I don't personally agree with all that they say, but some do. If you don't know Port. and want to know what it says, stick it in Translator. I won't be translating it here.</p><p>But, that doesn't even matter all that much. The moral of this story is Joel's responses. You will notice the same exact pattern, the same pattern that has happened every single day of my life since 2012. Accusations, blame, lies upon lies upon lies, the twisting and distortion of truth.</p><p>And then truth spoken and defended, thank God (pay close attention to our counselor's words; words that Joel has been told in order to try to help him for years). </p><p>Truth is paramount. It must be defended. Truth must win. So, we will just keep proclaiming it and defending it...and hopefully more and more people will see the truth in this situation, and join us in defending it. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiGU2i20i6kt6UAms5Lvxb39x9XrxI6_FU53-MZ_nEbl2i080F-1P65-xnXL6AGELdN38diBfAgZmDudkdcj2wEEgIPfdxULbGZeCTQMLXdXLhHi9GcydGabd0TxGGfP91jZtv7myPZ768uxbCR5gGpDgHfSHBEZqziwZEsIHbxx1D514QCmA=s1149" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="773" data-original-width="1149" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiGU2i20i6kt6UAms5Lvxb39x9XrxI6_FU53-MZ_nEbl2i080F-1P65-xnXL6AGELdN38diBfAgZmDudkdcj2wEEgIPfdxULbGZeCTQMLXdXLhHi9GcydGabd0TxGGfP91jZtv7myPZ768uxbCR5gGpDgHfSHBEZqziwZEsIHbxx1D514QCmA=w400-h269" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiQpc4T9DGcqcWSm6cjWBP_ItFV2ETNdn9y8atZG_yxOyywKNQT_HooEEcTTmFQ8W7-NZQDzTAOZQx_rwUqH5BNfrx6V5NPScslrcpmCMkTobi1kM6berqp8_znw5wI7tK5IeVBUQ1pYc2Rl6GmdirmbMWtCXr4vE96uTcB2sEZTX5rL2RsbA=s731" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="731" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiQpc4T9DGcqcWSm6cjWBP_ItFV2ETNdn9y8atZG_yxOyywKNQT_HooEEcTTmFQ8W7-NZQDzTAOZQx_rwUqH5BNfrx6V5NPScslrcpmCMkTobi1kM6berqp8_znw5wI7tK5IeVBUQ1pYc2Rl6GmdirmbMWtCXr4vE96uTcB2sEZTX5rL2RsbA=w400-h140" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9C-yB_bnQQ9WJsGDSArqEI61Jw55g-Pfx-4uidf_HDy2qkU4c7RAElJLiOGczjqKw8KBmhWpU2UmsUfMwtkdvL93NdHqmEg4xKtMbdVYuffUdS6nhLvk33sexA4McFqRjNJPa/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="471" data-original-width="730" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9C-yB_bnQQ9WJsGDSArqEI61Jw55g-Pfx-4uidf_HDy2qkU4c7RAElJLiOGczjqKw8KBmhWpU2UmsUfMwtkdvL93NdHqmEg4xKtMbdVYuffUdS6nhLvk33sexA4McFqRjNJPa/w400-h258/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFmZ-C-aDVoWKRMVRitJqoeiyIABhB2FKAEsZqiLIK0w2rToJnpoRUxr8dVbAq9u3yY2tdhEobCpdJBtwyvP41vvBMPGusBjsC9vi1EUUMMRD4bhDjkg4Il3Myl94wIcIkBvZr/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div><p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-82602508797271922652021-12-26T19:42:00.003-06:002023-10-12T12:01:56.036-05:00Other Voices...Will You Listen? Will You Care?<p>Nobody has ever really heard from my girls personally. And of course none of the people who blindly support Joel have asked them their thoughts or feelings, or sought anything out from them at all. The girls OFTEN say, "What about us? What do these people think about us...about how we feel and think? Do they just not care?" </p><p>They saw the post their father made about them. And, they've left things alone and not commented or talked on other things. But, this was different. It was about them specifically. They wanted to comment and put their voices out there...so they did.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPzSAy-A2qoKQKDZRG-nso6qKitZhiu_GPuWAH-Fl4C70K2FwTH6OqiaVeNXeh1xN3eU8aNa6T8-_zupJgaP4Pn7lUYndUE5ftbz4bp8pO-3AckUXVbvJvMoCIrC8EG0-HjqP3/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="1580" data-original-width="1396" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPzSAy-A2qoKQKDZRG-nso6qKitZhiu_GPuWAH-Fl4C70K2FwTH6OqiaVeNXeh1xN3eU8aNa6T8-_zupJgaP4Pn7lUYndUE5ftbz4bp8pO-3AckUXVbvJvMoCIrC8EG0-HjqP3/w353-h400/image.png" width="353" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIURA24ZhAVBVATbf3h81QglhMVXocp9MZqt5OTIUFr2r70U1-TRuk-9nlgc9cmzj6zzV1H3Bp2ocesgISQhd58jlX9FtT1VPCkNimE1bX4HjeFBthd8VlecrEzqBBQWw5MXRD/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="788" data-original-width="1410" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIURA24ZhAVBVATbf3h81QglhMVXocp9MZqt5OTIUFr2r70U1-TRuk-9nlgc9cmzj6zzV1H3Bp2ocesgISQhd58jlX9FtT1VPCkNimE1bX4HjeFBthd8VlecrEzqBBQWw5MXRD/w400-h224/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGOItyeySr5jfq0ju-iw4PS9sjwbZsDGzbaYfZnrCyMHvYEikHbrHKrPPZgmzBnUVrBZO4pqr_ir7UOAJgtHRGJsjQmINQ_v4aL8Ph-TcjBhME6uAofb4pSkoLvQIAGvwlxNq6/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="1328" data-original-width="1400" height="379" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGOItyeySr5jfq0ju-iw4PS9sjwbZsDGzbaYfZnrCyMHvYEikHbrHKrPPZgmzBnUVrBZO4pqr_ir7UOAJgtHRGJsjQmINQ_v4aL8Ph-TcjBhME6uAofb4pSkoLvQIAGvwlxNq6/w400-h379/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>He responded by silencing those voices. He responded by deleting their words and saying in his best politician font that he wanted to resolve this in a healthy manner with our counselor...which we have already tried to do many times with him over the years. He knows what will be said...he never listens or cares enough to do what is needed. But, he wanted to save face there on his post. There's been no more communication since. </p>As someone said, "So sad that he is more worried about how people perceive him than the feelings of his daughters." <br /><br />What did he post next? A joke. A funny meme. <br /><br />This is who he is. This is apparently what his followers (who include people who used to be MY friends and family) like...and they don't seem to see a thing wrong with it. He comments after his daughters bare their souls on his post with a blanket "We'll handle this with our counselor in a healthy manner"...and then he posts a joke, like nothing in the world is wrong in his life. The people who are in his life (the ones who abandoned me and my kids) apparently see nothing wrong with that. They prefer it.<br /><br />How is this so? <br /><br />Do you even care? Maybe you hate <i>me</i>, but how can you abandon and dismiss the kids? <p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-68266194102947706582021-12-24T12:53:00.000-06:002021-12-24T12:53:59.833-06:00Christmas 2021<p>It doesn't feel like Christmas. Not Christmas with joy anyway. Not the normal Christmas feelings...light and exciting and filled with joy. There are fleeting moments of that...and that's gotten us through. I scheduled very cool Christmas-y things all throughout the month in preparation for these feelings for us this year. And I did that even before 'the announcement' (and the way it was done) happened at the beginning of the month. I did that before the fallout that's happened since then all around us. </p><p>So there have been glimpses of joy. But even in those activities, there is still a profound sadness about the reality we live in. PROFOUND sadness. An ache that just doesn't leave. </p><p>A few of you have sent gifts to us this season, knowing that this was the case. You know who you are. I'm so emotional, tears flowing, just thinking of your kindness. Thank you! ❤️ Truly...thank you for spending extra time you didn't have to send us a package of Christmas joy this year. Kindness gets us through.</p><p>We're in a season of grieving, just plain and simple. We don't have any decorations up...not even our beloved Santa painting made it up this year. Because this is our 20th move, and because we went from a huge house with a couple of storage sheds to a tiny apartment, we did our best, but we're still purging and working our way through boxes here...no room for a tree or any semblance of normal yet. </p><p>You've seen from my posts the past couple of days (on FB) glimpses of the kinds of things we're up against, constantly, in real time. All we can do right now is fall on our knees...in grief, in stillness, in waiting, in, well, not necessarily hope, but a feeling that SURELY THE HELL HAS TO END SOON, SURELY IT WILL GET BETTER. How can it not?! </p><p>'Deconstruction' has gotten a lot of attention these days. The word, what people think it means, etc. </p><p>We watch a lot of Survivor. What do they have to build first thing at the beginning of each season? A shelter. Sometimes a storm comes and their shelter gets damaged. Sometimes, even, they are only left with the foundation. They have to figure out what went wrong, what parts were useful and good, and what to keep to use to build again. </p><p>That is deconstruction, folks. That's all it is. People make it hard. It's so very simple. That's it! What is hard to understand about that? </p><p>Some people who deconstruct find that they don't even believe in the foundation anymore. They don't want anything to do with that shelter or the rebuilding of it...they just don't think it's for them. Most still stand on that foundation. And that foundation, turns out, is truly what matters. </p><p>It really is why we celebrate Christmas after all. </p><p>It doesn't feel like Christmas. But, the original Christmas didn't 'feel' like Christmas either. </p><p>18 years ago, I was extremely big and pregnant. My baby had been due on the 21st. Christmas rolled around and I was still big and pregnant. I never related to Mary more. As we heard the Christmas story that year in church, in gatherings...I felt every bit of heaviness she must have felt. I empathized with her then, and do now even more, having to travel far from all she'd ever known, and being scared and alone. She knew that what she was doing was right, was part of a bigger plan...what she was doing would break cycles and bring Life. </p><p>I fall on my knees this Christmas hoping and believing for the same things. As I feel this profound sadness, and as me and my girls are alone...I believe in the breaking of cycles, and Life. I believe that Life will come for us, and for all who come after us. </p><p>It doesn't feel like Christmas. But, then again...maybe this is the closest to the original Christmas that we've ever been. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeBYmZJgP9TZYhXnQ8kPkz2kjCgzgLdHtW66VFOda33YBQA_nBk2aWml9It2NwtY2tw3lu_y4UiWOcaYGZDcqnaB2oPnMB15a43eyVEDDMi9GyAfgFqNEfUHhaVlFNGGY1k7Uy/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="750" data-original-width="499" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeBYmZJgP9TZYhXnQ8kPkz2kjCgzgLdHtW66VFOda33YBQA_nBk2aWml9It2NwtY2tw3lu_y4UiWOcaYGZDcqnaB2oPnMB15a43eyVEDDMi9GyAfgFqNEfUHhaVlFNGGY1k7Uy/w427-h640/image.png" width="427" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-85447808154517128482021-12-18T20:53:00.003-06:002021-12-18T20:53:47.369-06:00A Day in the Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I post a lot more on my Facebook. I say a lot more there...and therefore people there know more context. But, this is just a little taste of what it's like. <br /><br />The people who have access to my FB can learn a lot. Actually just today someone who has always supported me, after all of these years of listening to the things I say (some of them over and over, in different ways), said to me, "A ficha caiu!" That means...something finally made sense today, something she's been wondering about for years. It clicked. <br /><br />And that is always my hope. It's still even my hope for Joel...that something will click, in his heart, in his mind. For his family...that something will click, in their hearts, in their minds. For others who have believed him instead of me (even though there's never been any reason to do that). Some <b>have</b> come around. And for that, I am grateful. <br /><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">If anyone can read even just this interaction below, or the years' worth of evidence just like this, and somehow think that <b>I'm</b> the problem in this equation...it just doesn't make any sense. <br /><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Truth is important. Safety for my girls is important. I will never relent. But, I'm also pretty darn reasonable, calm, and understanding...as usual. Again...how am I the problem in this equation? <br /><br />Truth is important.<br /><br /></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMorCEkEDNeje29dRGfXlKLq29SpWh0YfkI25MHnKrBxxODEslEeKlHq7mHta41zaoAJHqkc-wUeIZ8WztOAI9I2dj909KL8NjS-IRcqANsWQVd3NhTnf85FNnk-O4Lnqc8LgK/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="276" data-original-width="730" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMorCEkEDNeje29dRGfXlKLq29SpWh0YfkI25MHnKrBxxODEslEeKlHq7mHta41zaoAJHqkc-wUeIZ8WztOAI9I2dj909KL8NjS-IRcqANsWQVd3NhTnf85FNnk-O4Lnqc8LgK/w400-h151/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcyXoFvXlRmvATJcbQPwHQDNb9gMOw1eyQf9yb-A3wrGfr28f_ETzLO5rSfeuUWwX_wl9li_rZmCnMgbmCBmEo_a5wzOka_3D0QB4lDejhvtnUP3k7ntMl5-oWKdrgGNvcllW/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="314" data-original-width="745" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcyXoFvXlRmvATJcbQPwHQDNb9gMOw1eyQf9yb-A3wrGfr28f_ETzLO5rSfeuUWwX_wl9li_rZmCnMgbmCBmEo_a5wzOka_3D0QB4lDejhvtnUP3k7ntMl5-oWKdrgGNvcllW/w400-h169/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZUYOp3n2Q_-C4K40q4V8ZdFxZQxeTFrnSTUNXw8WzLSZR3FQt_Ry47kRpxf3ufhc9QwbHQKm_Ycuf3T7Si4fgTfCpg3QCx-FAS2qBP3SFdFGXdd-5JrOqLJhGr3JHfu7oEkLu/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="597" data-original-width="700" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZUYOp3n2Q_-C4K40q4V8ZdFxZQxeTFrnSTUNXw8WzLSZR3FQt_Ry47kRpxf3ufhc9QwbHQKm_Ycuf3T7Si4fgTfCpg3QCx-FAS2qBP3SFdFGXdd-5JrOqLJhGr3JHfu7oEkLu/w400-h342/image.png" width="400" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-b7S0M1fOQtAmecI16iyg-jYPxFpPlvbJx-2PoXWUOlhSyS8BaSY-NLCUW5fwJG9m987BV1MvypkMNB46Zw1rIzZ29TlAYhrILTcqUlvFh4o7ky3xF7WLZ1MJfsV2yF57xtu/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="755" data-original-width="708" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-b7S0M1fOQtAmecI16iyg-jYPxFpPlvbJx-2PoXWUOlhSyS8BaSY-NLCUW5fwJG9m987BV1MvypkMNB46Zw1rIzZ29TlAYhrILTcqUlvFh4o7ky3xF7WLZ1MJfsV2yF57xtu/w375-h400/image.png" width="375" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-89537393753814744712021-12-15T11:52:00.005-06:002021-12-15T11:52:58.930-06:00Tell Your Stories<p>Tell. the. truth. Tell the truth about you, what's happened to you, tell your story. Say it, write it, scream it...whatever you need to do. But...<br /><br />DON'T let the 'hunters' monopolize the story.<br /><br />Joel spread lies about me for almost a full 3 years before I started saying, "Wait...hang on...what he's saying isn't true!" I didn't know he was doing all that completely behind my back...at all. But...<br /><br />Be careful. Don't let that happen. Tell your stories!!<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio4Xbho13SfSRW79TAYxzpnJaiSjSxQo2zeJXZL0HnsMTgLrCjw2mumDw84JOPYpR4AtW3Wyp48n8J9cVo11aUnMps3J9FwFmmyvrLWf5tXQn73F2UtRnazogNPS2ZaYaXubhc/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio4Xbho13SfSRW79TAYxzpnJaiSjSxQo2zeJXZL0HnsMTgLrCjw2mumDw84JOPYpR4AtW3Wyp48n8J9cVo11aUnMps3J9FwFmmyvrLWf5tXQn73F2UtRnazogNPS2ZaYaXubhc/" width="300" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-67694864299979323292021-12-12T18:27:00.000-06:002021-12-12T18:27:41.862-06:00A Bit of Truth<div style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="" dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="ecm0bbzt hv4rvrfc dati1w0a e5nlhep0" data-ad-comet-preview="message" data-ad-preview="message" id="jsc_c_13e" style="font-family: inherit; padding: 4px 16px;"><div class="j83agx80 cbu4d94t ew0dbk1b irj2b8pg" style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: -5px; margin-top: -5px;"><div class="qzhwtbm6 knvmm38d" style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 5px; margin-top: 5px;"><span class="d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql oi732d6d ik7dh3pa ht8s03o8 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb d9wwppkn iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m" dir="auto" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; color: var(--primary-text); display: block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.9375rem; line-height: 1.3333; max-width: 100%; min-width: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; word-break: break-word;"><div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">It's been a week of processing. There are so many things that are so confusing about people. But, here's what I know with 100% certainty.</div></div><div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q" style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-I was the perfect partner for Joel.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-I was the love of his life (I've said this for years; so has he).</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He was taught to be unfeeling, heartless, without empathy, like a robot.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He was taught that he was entitled...that a woman should only just follow him and if she challenged him, she was trying to usurp authority.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He was taught to believe these things, be loyal to these things that he's been taught by his family of origin, and be loyal to that family of origin above all else.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He has learning disabilities (this is a real thing...he was diagnosed as a child); I see this as more and more an issue in his life (which he denies and tries to hide, which makes it even more of a problem). </div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He wasn't willing to go against his family of origin to get the help he needed and make the changes that needed to be made to save his relationships with his wife and children.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-He will always be looking for me in other women.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-What he told the kids just a few months ago, that nobody will ever measure up to me, is true. </div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-I feel bad for him. I feel bad for these women who will never be able to be his perfect partner the way I was.</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">-I feel bad for us...me and his children, left in the ruins. We were the best things for him, his biggest fans...and he threw us away.</div></div></span></div></div></div></div></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="stjgntxs ni8dbmo4 l82x9zwi uo3d90p7 h905i5nu monazrh9" data-visualcompletion="ignore-dynamic" style="border-radius: 0px 0px 8px 8px; font-family: inherit; overflow: hidden;"><div style="font-family: inherit;"><div style="font-family: inherit;"><div style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="l9j0dhe7" style="font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="bp9cbjyn m9osqain j83agx80 jq4qci2q bkfpd7mw a3bd9o3v kvgmc6g5 wkznzc2l oygrvhab dhix69tm jktsbyx5 rz4wbd8a osnr6wyh a8nywdso s1tcr66n" style="align-items: center; border-bottom: 1px solid var(--divider); color: var(--secondary-text); display: flex; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.9375rem; justify-content: flex-end; line-height: 1.3333; margin: 0px 16px; padding: 10px 0px;"><div class="kb5gq1qc pfnyh3mw c0wkt4kp" style="background-color: white; color: #65676b; flex-grow: 0; flex-shrink: 0; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; width: 7px;"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-41501397228355380592021-11-14T19:22:00.002-06:002023-06-03T00:11:52.400-05:00What Abuse Looks Like, As Documented<p>I've never shared these here. For months it's been 'heavy on my heart' (as we say in the church) to do so. I have put if off and put it off. I just kept thinking, 'Maybe if I keep waiting, that feeling that I need to do this will go away...we'll see.' <br /><br />It never went away. It's time.<br /><br />If you've wondered about more detail of what happened in our marriage, and how Joel and his family worked within that time, reading these documents will be very revealing for you. I never really knew these people, even though I thought I did. I thought we were so very close and a loving family, all of us. That was very obviously not the case. To see what they were capable of was very eye-opening and devastating to accept.<br /><br />I compiled these documents for a counselor we once had, and added on a couple of times for other counselors (you will see some familiar language, personal references I mentioned within; for instance, we lived in the house that belonged to one of them and Cass was born there). It's not at all professional writing, just compiled and copied and pasted...something I did while in the depths of great trauma, crying out desperately to be heard and helped as I tried to survive the constant tsunamis crashing against me (you will see exactly what I mean as you read through this). I will someday go through it and clean it all up, presenting it in a more professional format. I just can't revisit it for that amount of time yet. It's too painful.<br /><br />I will never understand why the people around me who claimed to love me wouldn't just love me (the verb). Why they wouldn't just take care of me and help me. Why they would have rather convinced themselves of the stories they told themselves about me, without any evidence of what they were saying (not even close). Nothing of what they were doing and saying made sense...it still doesn't. <br /><br />For instance...why would Kristin, after being asked by Joel to try to help him to understand, report back to him that basically it was pointless to even try with me? What had I said in my genuine and vulnerable responses to her that could even be misconstrued as me being a hopeless case? Why would she treat me so inhumanely? <br /><br />The same with Danny's email, and Angela's comments/messages, and the involvement of EVERYONE connected...why were they all going along with such corrupt, immoral, and bullying behavior? <br /><br />It's all there in the Correspondence.<br /><br />Any of Joel's friends and family...this might clear up some things for you about what was actually happening, and what actually happened to our marriage. I know you've been told a version of what happened, but this is actually what occurred, in their own words. <br /><br />When sharing these things within counseling sessions, Joel never once refuted the things in these documents (the Timeline, nor the Correspondence). Just fyi. He somehow still believed he was completely innocent, even though clearly within these documents the opposite is obviously true. Sadly, because of the beliefs that women are just supposed to follow and support their husbands, in most of the 'Christian' counseling we were under (that's just the only thing we knew at the time), he was supported in the belief that I was supposed to just quietly follow along with this abusive behavior from him and his family.<br /><br />Another note: If you're new here, our last name used to be Ebersole. We changed it. I will share that story here someday maybe. But, I praise God every single day that my children and I don't have to go through life tied to the name of our abusers. If you think that calling them abusers is language that is too strong, then you haven't learned what the term 'abuse' means. Educate yourself, learn, grow, and become safe for the hundreds of thousands of women and children just like us.<br /><br />What abuse looks like, as documented...<br /><br /><a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/bjo6bpfdvag1b01/EbersoleTimeline%20%282%29.docx?dl=0" target="_blank">The Timeline</a> - written in Spring 2014<br /><a href="https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/z5q68eox1swq0unshts3z/EbersoleCorrespondenceSinceJanuary2012.docx?dl=0&rlkey=t56avaf9t2bx2g7w3cxt5erul" target="_blank">The Correspondence </a>- written in Spring/Fall 2015</p><p><br /></p>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-19702105635742047132021-09-25T11:33:00.004-05:002021-09-25T12:29:08.804-05:00"What in the Handmaid's Tale?"<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto"><div dir="auto"><p style="text-align: left;"></p></div></div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto"><span id="docs-internal-guid-67bebbb1-7fff-100e-7414-7b84a7e6e796"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 6pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">This past Monday, as news was breaking about Gabby Petito's body being found, I was also working through a lecture, and then posted this. It speaks for itself. I'm also including the comments because a lot can be learned from them too.
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For a refresher, in May 2012 when we came back to the states for what was only supposed to be a few months, I simply needed to rest and heal and recover from the lifestyle we'd been living for many years, and esp. from the last year we'd had. Lots of stress, trauma, and loss had already occurred that year just circumstantially...not at the hands of Joel or the people around us. I needed to be gathered in, taken care of, loved well. I needed to rest and heal. Instead, when we got back to the states, much more stress and upheaval came (I was barely hanging on by a thread). Joel refused to stop our pace, insisted that I just keep going, accused me of being controlling and manipulative and rebellious because I couldn't, and started complaining about me to anyone who would listen (he had actually already started doing that with his own family at the beginning of 2012).
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It's been a long decade. We are now divorcing. And I consistently teach of the dangers of bad theology regarding marriage, gender roles, forgiveness, and family.
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This quote from another abuse advocate, Andrea Aleksandrova, shows the danger of complementarianism, and exactly how it was applied in my life to destroy our lives and family as we knew them. Do not tell me that complementarianism can be healthy. It cannot.
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~Because of complementarianism, many churches believe that men are the leaders of women.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">If men are the leaders of women, then the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">If the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men, men's needs become prioritized over women's needs.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">If men's needs become prioritized over women's needs, women's needs become secondary.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">If women's needs become secondary, neglect, abuse, and abandonment flourish.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">God help us.~
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You will see very clearly how this is believed and applied below.
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The FB post from Monday...
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I will make my way back to the Gabby conversations/posts, and will post more later. I had to take a break. 💔 </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">But also...all that we've been discussing within that situation is 100% related to what I'm sharing here. It's all so related.
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I've mentioned that I'm working my way through a couple of courses. Today this definition of pride came up in a lesson about self-care/self-compassion...
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~Pride is something that makes you think you are better than others to the point where:</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">-that gives you permission to treat them poorly</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">-that gives you permission to make choices over them and to take away their agency</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">-you believe that because you are so elevated and you are so beyond criticism that you are allowed to do things, even if they might hurt another person, because you know better…*you* have this agency.~
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It immediately made me think of the counsel Joel got...especially from his family. The following is an email from his father (btw, I'm not correcting any of his misspellings or spacing issues...that is how the email came)...you will see what I mean about why I thought of this with that pride definition. You will also see so much language that points to why abuse is so rampant (and covered up) in the church. This is a man who I said for years was like Jesus. He really does embody a Christ-like demeanor. I never saw anything but Christ-likeness come out of him for the first 13 years I knew him. But, and hear me on this...
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**Even if you have that kind of gentle demeanor, if what your theology is based on at your core is this...you are prideful and abusive.**
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Also...he's a pastor.
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This is who Joel chose to stay in a relationship with over me. This is who Joel left me and the kids for.
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This was sent to Joel in February 2014. We separated for the first time the following May. Also, this man, even though I felt as though we were close, never once in all of those years reached out to me to ask me my side of the story. After we got back together in September 2014, I tried desperately to get them all (it wasn't just his father who said things like this) to talk very honestly through all of this so that we could reconcile. They refused.
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(*His P.S. at the end - As he wrote this, I had just lost our baby. I was still actively bleeding and cramping and wondering if I'd need surgery...and Joel was complaining to them because I was asking him to postpone his trip to Brazil. I am a nurse, I am a childbirth educator and doula, I had successfully birthed 4 children and this was my 3rd miscarriage. Yet, apparently they felt they needed to 'educate' us on this matter. Again...no wonder I thought of this letter as I heard that definition of pride.)</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">***********************************</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Dearest Son Joel,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I did not sleep well last night with a heavy heart. I feel as your Dad I need to share some things with you, about your situation with Michawn. Please hear and the Lord will give you further insight and direction.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Joel I greatly admire your fortitude, perseverance and commitment to Michawn and your family. I know many times you feel like giving up, but don’t. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. By hanging in their you will see your children serving the Lord.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">It is well understood among men and women who understand the principles of God’s Word, that the foremost reason God places the man as head of his home is to be a spiritual covering and bring spiritual protection to his wife and children. It is also understood that when a woman does not submit to her husband she opens the door to be deceived by Satan, who is out to kill, steal and destroy marriages and families. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">God has made the woman different then man. What makes them tick are the emotions and feelings. For a woman there is nothing wrong with this, it is a wonderful part of her being wife and mother, But it is an area where if she is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception. Bringing havoc to her emotions. This is what is happening to Michawn.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy. She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands. But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving and giving some more. You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults. You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you. She has falsely accused you. It is one of the tactics of the enemy. He is called the accuser of the brethren. I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you. Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">There are some stands you need to take for your spiritual well being and that of the children. You need to get into a Spirit filled church urgently. Even if it means driving an hour to Shrieveport or Rustin every Sunday. Make your position known and if Michawn does not go, you and the children go. Insist that the children go. As Michawn will try to get them to stay with her and sway them against your position. You need to take a strong stand in this. Explaining to the older children what the true issues are.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I firmly believe that our commitment to the Lord is expressed in our commitment to specific brothers and sisters in a local body of believers, where the Word of God says we are not to forsake gathering together.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">The Psalmist says that The righteous flourish planted in the house of the Lord.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Solomon says there is a time for peace and a time for war. You are in a time for war. Our warefare in not against flesh and blood, not against Michawn but against the enemy that has deceived her. Joel we stand with you in this war. What the enemy has done to Michawn’s parents he wants to do with your marriage. Michawn has given in to that, and even spoken of leaving You must take the opposite stand and declare you will not leave, you will not close your heart.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">If Michawn separates herself from you emotionally or in any other way because of your stand on the principles of God’s Word, the Bible says to let her go. Light and darkness will not have any fellowship. Trying to reason with her will not resolve issues that arise.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I feel (and I may be wrong) that at this time of your life you should not take on new projects as a husband and wife. You should not go to Brazil as a family, or plan to adopt. You have your hands full with dealing successfully with the situation as it is. A change in location will not change Michawn. Only God can change her, that’s what we are believing for. But she has to open to Him for help, and she has not gotten to that place yet.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">I feel you need to take the full time job that is offered you in Rustin, for support of your family.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Joel if the Lord leads differently, like going back to Brazil we stand with you. It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are. But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do. You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family. I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will. But telling her first what you decided. God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you. You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">We love Michawn and our prayer for her is:</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Lord have mercy upon her,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Forgive her,</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Protect her, Keep her</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Deliver and bring healing to her.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Joel we love you. Our heart hurts for you. We feel your pain. The Lord sees also and he comforts you. Let him take you in his arms and love on you.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">Dad</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; padding: 6pt 0pt 0pt;"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;">PS. Mom wanted to say it is normal after childbirth or miscarriage for bleeding for up to two months, until it gradually stops. Michawn’s bleeding is not abnormal. That’s why the mid-wife wants to see her later on. If the bleeding becomes heavier, that is not normal. A week after birth or miscarriage a woman can resume a light schedule as long as she does not overdo it with heavy lifting.</span></p></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: #050505; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY7f01jSylK2LKjS5htHmgQgWvEpcmaOFmFvyhjsbOui6XOZEASeJDWRNp2OIaKZNxvbNtRGico7L9YDeh3CxhJ6MrdP7dRGht9KRCraVvBFU1ZeevSlppi2mGgiesiFLku2Pq/s633/Gabby%253AMichawn+1.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="633" data-original-width="598" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhY7f01jSylK2LKjS5htHmgQgWvEpcmaOFmFvyhjsbOui6XOZEASeJDWRNp2OIaKZNxvbNtRGico7L9YDeh3CxhJ6MrdP7dRGht9KRCraVvBFU1ZeevSlppi2mGgiesiFLku2Pq/w378-h400/Gabby%253AMichawn+1.jpeg" width="378" /></a></div><span style="color: #050505; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">
</span></span></div><div dir="auto" style="color: #050505; font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIec92HoOEyYlFhn0OEH2RqwNLKcSEWr9UQUpvreGHkckEo6sAv4ZQHwymSa_lmCVS7oLsRQOoetADzqVEWwEeYoW4vqYr7yEFc-YEP-QdV6a_ctpPRdFAo_nooe8bcKfCPkLs/s595/Gabby%253AMichawn+2.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="446" data-original-width="595" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIec92HoOEyYlFhn0OEH2RqwNLKcSEWr9UQUpvreGHkckEo6sAv4ZQHwymSa_lmCVS7oLsRQOoetADzqVEWwEeYoW4vqYr7yEFc-YEP-QdV6a_ctpPRdFAo_nooe8bcKfCPkLs/w400-h300/Gabby%253AMichawn+2.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaEzJAjOuJBbmHuNsJmWHtscJy_KaUG-WnbehPF9_2S7NSJqXk6b0qipkKBoNIed_0fZ0Pa4pBG4b49L9ztI_g6g-1_H1soMJfzHLkbDgKu_G6PpCjb5YuRRcxUIdfXRHn5L6T/s601/Gabby%253AMichawn+3.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="601" data-original-width="594" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaEzJAjOuJBbmHuNsJmWHtscJy_KaUG-WnbehPF9_2S7NSJqXk6b0qipkKBoNIed_0fZ0Pa4pBG4b49L9ztI_g6g-1_H1soMJfzHLkbDgKu_G6PpCjb5YuRRcxUIdfXRHn5L6T/w395-h400/Gabby%253AMichawn+3.jpeg" width="395" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8sFpGt1cQPk4lZ4z7bZ65gbS0mKtlflcrrYU2JiOfv4qHDg1QDP-zHFeaM7k8Hx9ucHQX2qR2lFXeRUn02zL5QmQYr2zSXEzQwnK_FP1DdPerwr7pzAgetc8tzOUCLSSchhb/s701/Gabby%253AMichawn+Extra.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="599" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8sFpGt1cQPk4lZ4z7bZ65gbS0mKtlflcrrYU2JiOfv4qHDg1QDP-zHFeaM7k8Hx9ucHQX2qR2lFXeRUn02zL5QmQYr2zSXEzQwnK_FP1DdPerwr7pzAgetc8tzOUCLSSchhb/w341-h400/Gabby%253AMichawn+Extra.jpeg" width="341" /></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIorNmkYh6jllDsyHcV1VNodEHNKil7kD49U7KfCMzijrw_nCuCPhbsOrTn3Hd_Hudg5qjQt5WcNFDGSdDb1FlMhMWZ7Brp9mN5EOXtpYtwd5twkt-_NmoRn7NIKieEeO99Zdy/s711/Gabby%253AMichawn+4.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="711" data-original-width="601" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIorNmkYh6jllDsyHcV1VNodEHNKil7kD49U7KfCMzijrw_nCuCPhbsOrTn3Hd_Hudg5qjQt5WcNFDGSdDb1FlMhMWZ7Brp9mN5EOXtpYtwd5twkt-_NmoRn7NIKieEeO99Zdy/w338-h400/Gabby%253AMichawn+4.jpeg" width="338" /></a></div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmEDGEbIbKbfyv7j642KKn1TBQZJ3qTvtSUdu-7VhECSI-9EsiXNe0392jg0flK5EdZyKAEjwemz0FhJ1A_wU0YEVy-e9WnCFwuge5Fp9kyBz2yYgLHYXMstZvezx2Q0Pv3Tr/s600/Gabby%253AMichawn+5.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="600" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmEDGEbIbKbfyv7j642KKn1TBQZJ3qTvtSUdu-7VhECSI-9EsiXNe0392jg0flK5EdZyKAEjwemz0FhJ1A_wU0YEVy-e9WnCFwuge5Fp9kyBz2yYgLHYXMstZvezx2Q0Pv3Tr/w400-h330/Gabby%253AMichawn+5.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxHR_tV-FjKh7PBTkg-cYvcgOpS5VJxJhxRLzUosnG5ntWGAU2vc0SmaHlZpBEb_a1LCPRS4NCW-Bh6F1Z0A9wLuNLCsB37ig9D4bQn9NKDQul8UdbuyCdiXxXU7Mv60nPpm1W/s600/Gabby%253AMichawn+6.jpeg" style="clear: left; float: left; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="328" data-original-width="600" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxHR_tV-FjKh7PBTkg-cYvcgOpS5VJxJhxRLzUosnG5ntWGAU2vc0SmaHlZpBEb_a1LCPRS4NCW-Bh6F1Z0A9wLuNLCsB37ig9D4bQn9NKDQul8UdbuyCdiXxXU7Mv60nPpm1W/w400-h219/Gabby%253AMichawn+6.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div></div><br /></div></div>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-17290992242356972532021-03-29T18:38:00.002-05:002021-09-25T11:28:13.524-05:00This Is What Destroyed My Family<p style="text-align: left;">I haven't posted here in a long time. A lot has happened in over a year. You can see what came of trying to reason with unsafe people in the last few entries here. I just really didn't have any more to say here after that. (I say a LOT on my Facebook page, but not here.)</p><p>Today I made this post and I thought it was important enough to share here. <br /><br />Often people ask me what 'complementarianism' is...what am I always talking about? It's this...<br /><br />
In complementarianism:<br />-men and women have distinct roles in both home and society<br />-men take the leadership role as the authoritative head of the home<br />-women take the supporting, submissive role, and are not to usurp the authority of men<br />-in decision-making, women might give input, but men have the final word<br />-if there is disagreement about how to move forward, men have the tie-breaking vote<br /><br />Period. No nuances. This is the law. <br /><br />This is literally what destroyed my family. I physically could not do what my husband was saying we should do, and because of that, I was accused of trying to usurp his authority and not being a holy, Biblical wife. As his family/mentors told him, I had given myself over to the devil. All because I couldn't physically keep going when he wanted to keep going.<br /><br />**He is still using the same mentality with our daughters, trying to demand they do things they don't want to do. Trying to demand they do things that make them feel unsafe. It's a narcissist-breeding theology.</p><p></p><div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, system-ui, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"><p style="font-family: inherit; text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt8nHWp9ihEam_SnsLgA7uoTFGBkgvSLBqMSWIarSlW_b0V4Efb0oTI3-Zohyj1nDChd4gsbCLMtYMyEwdHNGs9h63VCTQEQqPtB7jz1Y8DG3u1VisNoPeMBUagh_H3XmTP458/s1225/This+destroyed+my+family..png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1225" data-original-width="1187" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt8nHWp9ihEam_SnsLgA7uoTFGBkgvSLBqMSWIarSlW_b0V4Efb0oTI3-Zohyj1nDChd4gsbCLMtYMyEwdHNGs9h63VCTQEQqPtB7jz1Y8DG3u1VisNoPeMBUagh_H3XmTP458/s320/This+destroyed+my+family..png" /></a></div><br />
<p></p></div>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-89027150593073554842020-02-07T17:32:00.001-06:002021-09-29T13:41:09.229-05:00Principle Two - Part 3I got an email last month from one of Joel's family members.<br />
<br />
He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."<br />
<br />
And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone. They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.<br />
<br />
And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not. Ever.<br />
<br />
So, I am responding to that email here on the blog. Here are links to the other parts of this series that have already been posted over the last few weeks:<br />
<a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-one.html" target="_blank">Principle One</a><br />
<a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-two-part-1.html" target="_blank">Principle Two - Part 1</a><br />
<a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-two-part-2_23.html" target="_blank">Principle Two - Part 2</a><br />
<br />
And now, the final part of my response to this email.<br />
<br />
A review of the Principle Two shared in the email...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.</blockquote>
Now, let's talk about this "Honor your father and mother" passage.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to go really in-depth on this part (although I could), because I think that the rest of what I have said is enough to back up my position and prove that your position is not backed up by truth or Scripture.<br />
<br />
But, 'honor.' Let's look at that word.<br />
<br />
Honor means 'to regard with great respect.'<br />
<br />
Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet not be in their presence?<br />
<br />
Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet not have an active relationship with them?<br />
<br />
Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet oppose most of what they stand for or do?<br />
<br />
I can do all of those things.<br />
<br />
I honor Mother Teresa and all that she stood for and did...yet I never knew her or had a relationship with her.<br />
<br />
I honor politicians who don't have the same ideas or beliefs as me, but who I can tell have good and passionate hearts for people, are still kind, and are...honorable.<br />
<br />
I honor my own parents. And by not saying anything more here about that, I am honoring them.<br />
<br />
We honor by living in and telling the truth. In fact, that is one of the key ways in which we honor. Even when the truth is hard. Even when it's not what some view as 'positive' or 'uplifting.' Because living in the truth is always the honorable thing to do and always brings the most honor in the long run...even if it's hard or might not seem like it brings honor in the beginning stages.<br />
<br />
It's like when someone has a very bad burn. We don't 'honor' that burn by just covering it up and being 'positive' about it. No. We have to uncover it. We have to get down in the nasty, painful, incredibly damaged parts...all so that it <i>can</i> be healed. Without that, the burn will NOT be healed...and worse than that, it will spread even more damage and loss. At first it might not seem like 'honoring' to get down in the nasty parts. It might seem more comfortable and less painful to just cover it and leave it. But...that isn't truth about that situation.<br />
<br />
Honoring doesn't mean turning a blind eye. That is the opposite of honoring. But, sometimes people are only willing to turn a blind eye. Sometimes they refuse to do what is needed in order to reach a place of healing. These people don't honor the wounds. And no matter who they are, if the wounds aren't honored...and uncovered, and debrided (a very painful process that <i>must</i> be done as unpleasant and 'un-positive' as it is)...the people refusing to honor the wounds are unsafe. They aren't honorable people...even though you can still 'honor' them by doing it from afar. And you are definitely honoring yourself that way.<br />
<br />
Sometimes when we honor people, we honor them from a distance. We have to. Because they aren't safe enough to honor in an active relationship. And knowing that that distance is warranted and recommended is an honoring act.<br />
<br />
Surely you know these things about what honor means and looks like lived out.<br />
<br />
There are many resources, even Christian-based ones, that address the issue of cutting ties with family. There are articles and books and interviews and teachings. For cutting ties with family to be seen by you as something that is foreign or unbiblical is, again, just another sign of you not living in reality and truth. And, for you to think that you can't still honor your parents while not in an active relationship with them is another sign. We <i>must</i> live in truth.<br />
<br />
I highly recommend the books Safe People, Boundaries, and Necessary Endings by Cloud and Townsend.<br />
<br />
I am going to share <a href="https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/getting-married/newlyweds/respectfully-leaving-your-parents/" target="_blank">this article too, though</a>. This article is NOT addressing abusive situations. So, when they say things like "...leaving your parents does not mean you permanently withdraw and no longer have a good relationship with them. That’s isolating yourself, not leaving," that applies to people in normal relationships. Again...this doesn't apply to abusive, toxic situations. I never wanted us to have to leave you permanently. That was never even on my radar...until the abuse happened. And even then, I was naive and fully believed that after a normal, adult conversation with you all, everything would be cleared up and we would be on our way again, in close relationship...no problem. But you all refused to even have that conversation with me. So, that was not the case...not even close. No, this quote does not apply to abusive and toxic situation. And <i>our</i> situation is abusive/toxic. You must remember that.<br />
<br />
Also, the authors/this site...they are complementarian, which is a red flag for me and against everything I believe marriage should be. But, I use this to show that even some complementarians get this topic right, which should be telling. Very, very telling.<br />
<br />
I share this article to point out that Joel never even did this part. He never left you even in this way that is <b><i>commanded</i></b> us in Scripture. This command...you even <i>say</i> that you counsel in this way, but this is <i>not</i> the counsel that you gave Joel...just the opposite.<br />
<br />
Some excerpts from the article:<br />
<br />
*Jesus addressed the issue when he said that no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6). No one! No in-laws, no mother, no father was meant to divide a couple who had made a covenant with each other to leave, cleave, and become one flesh.<br />
--You may not have intended to come between us, but you did. And after you were told that that is what you were doing, you just continued to do the same things. Not teachable, not changed by truth. So, even if you didn't <i>intend</i> to come between us initially, after you heard that truth, you should have stopped...and you chose not to.<br />
<br />
*“the failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in almost all marital conflict.” God knows that leaving parents will be a difficult transition, especially in homes where the child-parent bond has been solid and warm. Unfortunately, many (if not most) couples do not cut the apron strings—they lengthen them!<br />
--Joel's loyalty never shifted from you to me. There's just no arguing that fact. If it had, the first half of 2012 would have looked COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. If you need me to review the facts of those 6 months, I will gladly share it. But, that is when it was first proven that his loyalty was with you, his family of origin, and not with me. Again...that's not my perception. That is fact. That is proven in evidence.<br />
<br />
*We had forsaken our dependence upon them for our livelihood and emotional support and were turning to each other as the primary relationship of our lives.<br />
--Again, Joel never did that. The evidence shows that he went to you guys instead of me starting at the beginning of 2012...and that just continued. He turned to you (when I had no idea anything was even wrong)...he didn't turn to me (even though I had never given him any reason at all to not turn to me). Had he 1) come to me for his emotional support, and 2) believed the truth I was telling him (about me, our situation, etc.) and let the facts/truth change him and his wayward thoughts (2 Cor. 10:5), then none of this would have happened.<br />
<br />
*The public affirmation of our covenant to each other meant, “No relationship on earth, other than my relationship with Jesus Christ and God, is more important than my relationship with my spouse.”<br />
--Again, this isn't true of Joel. You can <i>say</i> it is. But, that isn't truth. The facts and evidence literally prove otherwise. <i>Saying</i> something doesn't make it so. And <i>saying</i> something without actually backing those words up with behaviors...it means nothing.<br />
<br />
*...you must make a break from them and sever your dependence on them. As time passes, you must be diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence at critical points in your marriage.<br />
--If Joel ever did sever his dependence on you (which I doubt, for reasons that I might dive into at another time), then he reestablished it at the beginning of 2012. And you let him. You welcomed that behavior...and then counseled him to further that behavior. Again, I have that evidence all in your own words. Do I need to review that with you? That was your counsel to him.<br />
<br />
*A tip: Always try to consult your spouse before seeking input from parents.<br />
--And I would say no...that's where the complementarian thing comes in strong. You shouldn't just <i>try</i> to consult your wife. You <i><b>should</b></i> consult your wife. Duh. She is not only your <i>partner</i>, she is quite literally supposed to <i>be you</i>...that is the Biblical teaching after all. You leave everything else and become <b>ONE</b>. This did not happen. He didn't consult with me at all. Hleft me completely and went to you. I never knew he was seeking input or counsel from you until the Spring of 2014 when I saw the emails between you all. That was over two years into the destruction of our marriage already at that point. You might say, "I didn't know you didn't know." First of all, you may not have known at the beginning of 2012. But, you for sure knew that he was doing all of these things behind my back by the end of 2012 (again...I have proof of that). Also, you just let him come to you for his emotional support. You never questioned it, or him. You never said, "Joel, does your wife know you are coming to me for this? Are you being honest and vulnerable and transparent with your wife...the person you are supposed to be one with? I hope you are being loyal to her first and foremost. What is it that she's saying she needs...and why? I'm sure she has good reasons for these things. She's never been dishonest or disloyal or unloving or controlling/manipulative before." No...you never said any of that. And, as you know, you never came to me and asked me my side of the story. All of this could have been avoided had you done <i>any</i> of these things...or taught your son/brother how to do the right things in this situation in the first place.<br />
<br />
There is MUCH more to this article. I'm sure you can pinpoint all the parts that I would say were not done or heeded in our marriage and in the relationship with you, Joel's family of origin.<br /><br />Also, don't forget the amazing teachings and model of Jesus that I specifically wrote about in the last post. Jesus honored His parents. He taught to honor parents. He <b><i>ALSO</i></b> taught that if parents come between their kids and Him, to walk away from them (He came to 'bring a sword' to that kind of behavior. Jesus and His ways are to come first. His ways include a husband leaving his family of origin and cleaving to his wife completely...and <i>not</i> leaving his wife and children for his family of origin. That is not Jesus. Therefore, that is not right.<br />
<br />
I do want to say also that in all the people that I was closest to when this started happening (i.e. the first 4 years), I first of all never went to ANYONE for advice or help until we were a full year and a half in. And then secondly, I never ever ever ever went to others for advice or help 1) saying anything that I hadn't already discussed with Joel, or 2) saying anything derogatory about Joel. Ever. HE was still the person I went to for emotional support for everything. I just didn't get any emotional support <i>from</i> him when I asked for it. When I did talk to the people I did eventually talk to (again, not until we were a year and half in...I never told ANYONE for that full year and a half what was going on or what Joel was doing, even when he did things like go behind my back and buy plane tickets to leave to go do what he wanted to do when I was in such dire need of him to stay with me for many reasons at that point), I framed it in the same ways I do now...that he has been taught wrong things, that he isn't seeing clearly, that he isn't seeing the big picture, that he is just blinded to the truth.<br />
<br />
To leave and cleave...that is what we are to do. And, you are supposed to <i>keep</i> leaving (your family of origin) to cleave to your spouse (cling to, hold to tightly, forsaking anything and anyone else; to adhere to loyally and unwaveringly).<br />
<br />
I did that. Joel didn't.<br />
<br />
Ebersole family, you need to be clear here...<br />
<br />
If someone is saying to you, "This is hurting me. This is damaging me and my family." And you just continue to do those things...<br />
<br />
Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?<br />
<br />
When someone tells you <i>why</i> something hurts and how to <i>stop</i> hurting them, and you choose to do so anyway...<br />
<br />
Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?<br />
<br />
When someone has already been hurt for years and, even though she has tried to talk to you and help you to know how to not hurt her, you choose to not only keep hurting her, but to just continue accusing her of more untrue things...<br />
<br />
Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?<br />
<br />
When that same person wants to escape this behavior and wants her spouse to see the need for escape and escape <i>with</i> her (because they are supposed to be one) and wants to be protected by the person who is supposed to protect her the most, and is then accused of divisiveness and selfishness and breaking up a family...<br />
<br />
Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?<br />
<br />
None of what I am saying in these posts matter if you can't live in the truth.<br />
<br />
And part of that truth is that you have been abusive. In all of these ways. To me.<br />
<br />
Do you see that?<br />
<br />
If you can't live in the truth, then this will never get better. Don't you want it to get better?<br />
<br />
You <i>say,</i> "Even though we do not agree on some issues, in no way do I wish such a life on you. We consider you part of our family and not the enemy."<br />
<br />
<i>Do</i> you consider me part of your family? Would you really treat a part of your family this way? If so, why?<br />
<br />
You say, "You and the children are Joel's most important family." But...that isn't true, sadly. He left us to be with you. That literally proves who is most important to him. That's just a documented fact.<br />
<br />
Now, he, just like you all, has not been living in the truth. Again, truth is supposed to change you. If truth had changed him, or you, then none of this would still be going on. But, truth hasn't changed you.<br />
<br />
If truth changed him, then maybe we <i>would</i> be his most important family. That is not the case right now though. It <i>should</i> be. Maybe that's what you are speaking out of...what <i>should</i> be. Because you know that that is Biblical and what <i>should</i> be true about us. But, it is literally not the truth of our situation. <br />
<br />
Live in truth.<br />
<br />
If you can't live in the truth, then this will never get better.<br />
<br />
That's why I beg of you...please live in the truth.<br />
<br />
And no. No...this isn't just <i>my perception</i> of the truth. This IS truth. There is black and white evidence of this. There is <i>proof </i>that this is the truth.<br />
<br />
Also, our counselor and I have asked repeatedly for evidence that proves what <i>you</i> all have seen as truth (hopefully after these posts you no longer see those lies as truth). Yet, we've received none. For years we've asked for your evidence. And there is none.<br />
<br />
If you truly believe me to be a part of the family, then you will hear me, you will believe me, you will <i>want</i> to live and walk in truth, and you will be changed by the truth.Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-34851843209403459912020-01-23T13:12:00.000-06:002020-01-23T13:12:11.380-06:00Principle Two - Part 2I got an email recently from one of Joel's family members.<br />
<br />
He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."<br />
<br />
And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone. They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.<br />
<br />
And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.<br />
<br />
So, I am responding to that email here on the blog. <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-one.html" target="_blank">This blog post</a> is the first part of my response. <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-two-part-1.html" target="_blank">This blog post</a> is the second part.<br /><br />And now, the third part of my response...<br />
<br />
A review of the Principle Two shared in the email...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.</blockquote>
Jesus never stayed with people who hurt him. Ever. Read about Him in this light, maybe for the first time, and you will see that truth. When the people who didn't understand Him, and didn't get His side of the story or believe Him even when they did have His story, or accused Him of things that were never true...He loved them, He wished they would change, He wished the truth would change them, but it didn't. So, He always incorporated boundaries with those people.<br />
<br />
Didn't mean He didn't love them. Didn't mean He hated them. Didn't mean He was bitter. Didn't mean He was holding grudges. Didn't mean He was trying to get back at them. None of those things were true of Him.<br />
<br />
He was keeping Himself safe.<br />
<br />
He kept Himself safe.<br />
<br />
Yes, He taught to love and give of yourself and sacrifice and forgive and even reconcile when possible. But, He also taught, and modeled very clearly (again, read about Him in this light), to take care of yourself, protect yourself from those who have harmed you, to walk away when people aren't going to be changed by truth, to have boundaries.<br />
<br />
Jesus didn't just say that the truth is important and that it will set you free. He said He IS the truth. If we don't follow ALL of His examples and principles, then we aren't following and living in the truth.<br />
<br />
I've been saying these things for years, you know that. There are other resources that speak to this topic of boundaries and keeping oneself safe. But, here's a great article I found recently with just a quick search that speaks to this Jesus I speak of to help you to see that this isn't just <i>me</i> or our counselor (or only people who don't honor God's Word) who are saying all of these things.<br />
<br />
About Jesus and boundaries: <a href="https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/">https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/</a><br />
<br />
I was originally going to go through and provide Scripture to show how Jesus kept Himself safe from harmful people (no matter who they were...family included), but that article is full of it.<br />
<br />
You are a family that calls yourselves pacifists. In reality, what happens is that you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. GREAT lengths. For instance, you all made up and believed stories in your heads about me that were just simply not true. They were FAR from truth even in the beginning, but those stories just snowballed to the point that no matter what I said or had proof of, you saw me through the lens of those stories you already believed. And you didn't even want to hear or work through anything that would help you to see otherwise.<br /><br />Yes, you go to great lengths to avoid conflict. But pacifism doesn't = avoidance of conflict. That is not what pacifism is. So, you like to claim pacifism. But, that's not the truth of who you are. What you have is a case of major passive-aggressive behavior, and the avoidance of conflict (which you might think is holy, but is not) at all costs. And I do mean <i><b>all costs</b></i>. The cost here?...me and my children. You avoid conflict (and truth) so much that you are willing to destroy a family and see your son give up his wife and children in order to be with you. I tried to avoid that. For literally years. I tried to help you all to keep us. But, you didn't want to. <br /><br />As I said in the other posts...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The actual truth about me and our situation, the truth about family and gender and forgiveness/reconciliation, the truth about boundaries and cutting ties and what love really looks like, the truth about anger and motives and lots of other factors that are involved here...the truth about these things hasn't changed you. The truth was offered to you over and over and over again. And it hasn't changed you. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When someone is saying you are hurting them, and they give very specific directions about why, and about how not to hurt them, they are not being 'controlling and manipulative' (what you accused me of). They are being loving. They are staying the course, trying to be with you, trying to help you to see how not to lose them. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But when you just continue to hurt, it isn't possible to stay. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Do you not understand that?</blockquote>
<br />
Do you know what Jesus said to do with the people who won't accept truth and be changed by it? He tells them to leave those people, and to dust off your feet. (Matthew 10) Yes, right before that He says to heal, to love, to raise, to freely give. BUT, because He is sending people out "like sheep among wolves," He knows how to teach them how to safeguard themselves too. Jesus ISN'T just love, peace, joy. He is also boundaries, safety, wisdom...and how to walk away when things aren't safe. If you aren't following all sides and teachings of Jesus, then you aren't following Jesus. <br />
<br />
Matthew 10:34-37<br /><br />
34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.<br />
35 For I have come to turn<br />
“‘a man against his father,<br />
a daughter against her mother,<br />
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—<br />
36 a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’[a]<br />
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.<br />
<br />
I remember having a discussion with you years ago at your kitchen table right before we all went to bed. We were discussing pacifism, your beliefs, the fact that that was what was taught to you and the way your family lived. I, at that time especially, was not a person who brought up conflicts (even if I saw wrong around me, I didn't always speak up). But, I didn't avoid it either. I was fine with discussing hard things and/or 'fighting' in order to reach resolve and peace...esp. if there were victims to rescue. <br /><br />I brought up this passage of Scripture that night. I simply said, "So, what do you do with verses like that?"<br /><br />You had no defense. In fact, you acted like you'd never even heard that passage before. You said, "Hmmm, and where is that? I don't know. I'll have to look into that and get back with you." (You never got back with me about it.)<br /><br />Obviously Jesus never <i>wanted</i> son to go against father, or daughter against mother, or DIL against MIL (or any other family combination to go against each other). That is not His ideal. But, Jesus was NOT afraid of conflict. At all. He would call people out in a millisecond. And He knew that people would have to take stands for following His ways. <br /><br />I get it that you think that is what <i>you</i> are doing with <i>me</i>. I get it that you think that you are taking a stand against me...and that you are following God's ways and I am not. I get it that you have counseled Joel to take a stand against me because you believe that I am not following God's ways. <br /><br />But you are <i><b>wrong</b></i>. You are so very, very, very destructively wrong. And I have all the evidence, documentation, research, and Scripture to prove it. Do we need to go over it all more? <br /><br />What are your thoughts and questions and objections to what is said here?Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-56266227046229752262020-01-12T19:20:00.000-06:002020-01-12T19:20:24.275-06:00Principle Two - Part 1As I said in my last post, I got an email last week from one of Joel's family members.<br />
<br />
He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."<br />
<br />
And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone. They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.<br />
<br />
And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.<br />
<br />
Now...I speak to the person who sent this email, and the family in general.<br />
<br />
The past will be brought up here. This is something that you don't like...to 'rehash' the past. But, this is not done to 'rehash' things just to rehash them. This is not to rub your nose in what you did. This is not to shame you. This is not to try to make you look bad. This is not to prove that I now have a right to retaliate (which I have no interest in). For NONE of those reasons do we need to go through the history of the past. The reason we need to go through the history is because there are points to be made about your Principle Two. And only by going through the history can we get to those points.<br />
<br />
I responded to <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/principle-one.html" target="_blank">Principle One in the last post</a>. Now, I will respond to the last part of Principle Two. I will respond to the first part in my next post. <br />
<br />
Principle #2<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.</blockquote>
As we talked about in the last post, we must live in the truth here. Let the truth about everything I'm about to say sink in and change you.<br />
<br />
"The natural affection one has for family of origin" is many many many many times "a threat to the immediate family." It happens OFTEN.<br />
<br />
To even say that sentence that you said shows that you are not living in reality. It shows that you live in a state of delusion, honestly.<br />
<br />
Of <b>course</b> it is a very real choice that family members <b>often</b> have to make.<br />
<br />
<i>Maybe</i> you would say, "Oh, of course I meant in normal, safe families. Not families where physical or sexual abuse is taking place." But no, that should never be a given. If you literally say that there is no reason to ever disconnect from family, then that is what you meant. But, there are so many reasons to disconnect from family. Surely you would see physical or sexual threats as a reason. Yes?<br />
<br />
If you wouldn't say that, then we have a problem. Then you are showing yourself to be <i>EXTREMELY</i> unsafe and scary. Extremely.<br />
<br />
But, if you would say that it's definitely appropriate to disconnect from/cut ties with a family that is physically and sexually threatening, would you say the same thing about a family that is emotionally/psychologically/spiritually threatening?<br />
<br />
I hope so.<br />
<br />
As we said in the last post...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If you "mention" (as you say) to your spouse "once or twice" that something is hurting you so so bad, that you are in dire need of stopping and being taken care of, that you cannot go any longer without a break to rest and recover, that moving forward would damage you tremendously and you just simply cannot do it...then no, you do not just 'commit that to the Lord in prayer' (although of course I did that) and yet just keep going if it isn't changed. When that is 'mentioned' to a spouse, if that spouse does not stop what he's doing and take care of his wife, then that is, by all definitions, neglect. And if he <i>keeps</i> doing what he is doing, and the wife stops (because she has to), and that spouse starts to then blame the wife saying that she is the one at fault, that she is trying to control and manipulate him, that she is being difficult...and even others start to join in with him in saying that...<br />
That is abuse. By all definitions, that is abuse.</blockquote>
So, do you see where you and your family have been emotionally/psychologically/spiritually threatening and unsafe?<br />
<br />
I also went over some of the things you all did in <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2019/12/a-word-to-family-of-choice.html" target="_blank">this post</a>. Not just one-time things that can be seen as 'mistakes.' No, we are talking about patterns of behavior that lasted for years.<br />
<br />
If you need a review of even more things that were part of that, for many years, that were emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually threatening and unsafe, then let me know. I have it all documented.<br />
<br />
So...when someone, anyone, is unsafe or threatening or abusive in any way, and instead of letting truth change them (again, that is Jesus' way) they just continue in that, do you see where it is warranted and recommended to disconnect from those damaging people?<br />
<br />
Where have I lost you here? What part of this, so far, do you not agree with?<br />
<br />
Do you not agree that you were unsafe or threatening or abusive? Even if I supply you with the documentation of your wrongs against me, is your belief that those things are not unsafe/threatening/abusive?<br />
<br />
Let me tell you that everyone who has seen the documentation, including your grandchildren, has seen what you did as abusive. Unsafe. Damaging. Threatening to me and my health...and the health of our whole family (me, Joel, the kids).<br />
<br />
And the fact that you kept doing it...kept believing those beliefs (not allowing truth to change you), kept acting in those ways, kept harming after you had been told it was damaging our family...that is even more proof that you and your family are unsafe and threatening and abusive.<br />
<br />
When someone is saying to you, "This is hurting me. This is damaging me and my family," and you just continue to do those things? If there were ever any question about whether you were safe or not, with that it is answered.<br />
<br />
When someone is saying you are hurting them, and they give very specific directions about why, and about how <i>not</i> to hurt them, they are not being 'controlling and manipulative' (what you accused me of). They are being loving. They are staying the course, trying to be with you, trying to help you to see how not to lose them.<br />
<br />
But when you just continue to hurt, it isn't possible to stay.<br />
<br />
Do you not understand that?<br />
<br />
Ebersole family, I would like an answer to that question, and these posts. Immediately. You can comment here, or you can email me. <br /><br />*If you are tempted to simply say, "I just don't agree," that is not good enough. You will need evidence to back up what you could possibly disagree with here.<br />
<br />
After I get your immediate answers, then we will continue with the response about the two principles.Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-16960316211705372562020-01-11T17:44:00.000-06:002020-01-11T23:04:03.821-06:00Principle OneI got an email this week from one of Joel's family members.<br />
<br />
He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."<br />
<br />
And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone. They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation. <br />
<br />
And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.<br />
<br />
Principle #1<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One: In marriage a spouse cannot change his partner. In the covenant of marriage vows, there is the phrase for better or for worse. So what does one do when the worse comes out in the partner, which is bound to happen? In my marriage, I will mention it to her or she to me once or twice and then commit it to the Lord in prayer as only God is able to change our spouse. One partner cannot change the other partner. God did not create the marriage relationship to work that way. As we are to fully accept our partner, flaws, mistakes and all, as love covers a multitude of sins. I like the way Apostle Paul puts it in Eph 4:2 He says We are to demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try our patience. TPT Also in this passage Paul gives various attitudes/actions whereby we can guard unity. This applies to unity in marriage and in the local body of believers.</blockquote>
I'm just going to speak to this family member, and the family as a whole here.<br />
<br />
This is absolutely correct. No one can change another person. It just can't happen.<br />
<br />
But...<br />
<br />
Truth.<br />
<br />
TRUTH can and SHOULD change a person.<br />
<br />
When one is confronted with truth, especially as someone who claims to be a believer, they should be changed. That is just clearly what should happen. That is, after all, what the Good News is all about!!<br />
<br />
I haven't seen that happen with you, or any of your family members. And family members, IF that has happened and you see what went wrong here and want to actually help me, then for the love of God, speak up!!<br />
<br />
Yes, TRUTH should change people.<br />
<br />
So...let's go through what happened. And, this is not to 'rehash' things just to rehash them. This is not to rub your nose in what you did. This is not to shame you. This is not to prove that I now have a right to retaliate (which I have no interest in). For NONE of those reasons do we need to go through the history. The reason we need to go through the history is because there are points to be made about your Principle One. And only by going through the history can we get to those points. <br />
<br />
You didn't recognize Joel's very obvious wrong behavior as wrong at the beginning of 2012 when he started coming to you complaining about how I was being difficult. That behavior is...not at all normal for a spouse. It's not right. It's not emotionally mature. You believe(d?) a husband is the leader of his wife...that is not the behavior of a leader at <i>all</i>! And yet, you treated that as normal and appropriate for him to do. And...you believed everything he said without question, or without getting my side of the story.<br />
<br />
You then spent the next couple of years treating the situation as though what he was saying was accurate (which it wasn't). You gave him counsel that he should make decisions on his own and follow through with those decisions no matter what I said about it. You counseled him that there was no reasoning with me, that I had "opened the door to be deceived by Satan" since I wasn't submitting to Joel (i.e. following him in whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it, even though that was damaging me). You said, "[when a woman] is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception. Bringing havoc to her emotions. This is what is happening to Michawn."<br />
<br />
Before I even started thinking or using the word 'abuse' in our situation, in your counsel (the excerpts in the remainder of this post taken from communication in 2014, before any separation of any kind) to Joel you said this...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy. She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands. But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving and giving some more. You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.<br />
<br />
"To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults. You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you. She has falsely accused you. It is one of the tactics of the enemy. He is called the accuser of the brethren. I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.<br />
It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you. Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family."</blockquote>
This is <i>classic behavior</i> that is described <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2020/01/understanding-abuse.html" target="_blank">in the video in this post.</a> The one at fault is seen as the victim...and the one being hurt and damaged is the one who is made out to be the one at fault, the one who is doing the hurting and damaging.<br />
<br />
Instead of getting the TRUTH (by asking me my side first of all, but then actually believing me when I spoke...neither of these were done), and instead of counsel that said to Joel, "Your wife is struggling physically and emotionally with all that has happened in your lives. She cannot keep up the pace you have been keeping for over a decade, son. Take care of your wife! She is you. You are one with her. If you neglect her, you neglect yourself. Help her. Love her. Care for her. Take care of her," your counsel was this...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are. But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.<br />
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"It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do. You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family. I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will. But telling her first what you decided. God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you. You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God."</blockquote>
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You did not seek out the truth. BUT...<br />
<br />
When Joel finally started being confronted with the truth, and we started sharing the truth with you, and I specifically wanted to talk through the truth with you...<br />
<br />
You still didn't want to let truth come in and change you.<br />
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No...a person cannot change another person.<br />
<br />
But, THE TRUTH should come in and absolutely change someone. Change their heart, their mind, their beliefs, their behaviors, their thoughts, their actions. Again...<br />
<br />
That is what the whole Bible is about!!<br />
<br />
Joel always prided himself and his family on being so very teachable. Yet, the opposite has been true in this situation.<br />
<br />
You used Ephesians 4 in your email and your description of your Principle One.<br />
<br />
Ephesians 4:20-25<br />
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20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned <br />
21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.<br />
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; <br />
23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; </div>
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24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.</div>
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25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. </div>
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It goes on to talk about other things we should and shouldn't do BECAUSE we have heard the TRUTH that is in Jesus. And because we are a NEW person. That doesn't just end with salvation. We are to be CONSTANTLY renewing our minds. Constantly learning and growing and changing, according to truth.<br />
<br />
Instead of you letting truth change you, you dug in your heels and refused to even discuss it. But, now...you are still doing the same thing.<br />
<br />
This is proven in the fact that your Principle One doesn't even apply to our situation. But you won't hear that, or accept that truth. </div>
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Nobody was ever trying to change another person. But, all of our counseling (along with every other healthy person who tried to help us) was focused on helping Joel to see TRUTH. We were sure that if truth was injected into his life, then maybe that could save him from himself (and from all that he was taught that was AGAINST the truth that is in Jesus, v. 21), and that our marriage/family could be saved as well. That was the hope.<br />
<br />
Ebersole family...you do not live in truth. And the <i>actual</i> truth about me and our situation, the truth about family and gender and forgiveness/reconciliation, the truth about boundaries and cutting ties and what love really looks like, the truth about anger and motives and lots of other factors that are involved here...the truth about these things hasn't changed you. The truth was offered to you over and over and over again. And it hasn't changed you.<br />
<br />
Truth is supposed to change you. It's supposed to change you and grow you and set you free. That is what <i>Jesus</i> says.<br />
<br />
I also have to add here this addendum that again just proves that this Principle One doesn't apply to our situation...<br />
<br />
If you "mention" (as you say) to your spouse "once or twice" that something is hurting you so so bad, that you are in dire need of stopping and being taken care of, that you cannot go any longer without a break to rest and recover, that moving forward would damage you tremendously and you just simply cannot do it...then no, you do not just 'commit that to the Lord in prayer' (although of course I did that) and yet just keep going if it isn't changed. When that is 'mentioned' to a spouse, if that spouse does not stop what he's doing and take care of his wife, then that is, by all definitions, neglect. And if he <i>keeps</i> doing what he is doing, and the wife stops (because she has to), and that spouse starts to then blame the wife saying that she is the one at fault, that she is trying to control and manipulate him, that she is being difficult...and even others start to join in with him in saying that...<br />
<br />
That is abuse. By all definitions, that is abuse.<br />
<br />
So please...<br />
<br />
Please listen to this truth. Let God change your hearts and minds with this truth. And start to live in the truth. </div>
Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-31304232248365185862020-01-06T12:30:00.002-06:002020-01-06T12:31:14.646-06:00It's This SimpleIt's just this simple. It really really is.<br /><br />If you tell people that something hurts and damages you, and they continue to do those things...they might say they love you, and they might even believe they do. But, they do not. <br /><br />They might believe themselves to be loving people in general. But, if this is what they are doing...they are not loving people. <br />
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<img alt="Image may contain: text" height="400" src="https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81894943_10157677385845729_92655746088435712_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ohc=HHEkcQ5jxygAQnCB-Igkvq3qe8KrsdKJvAJHoMabsSmrHHW_do_pUb_Ew&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=1f320b9d52dec91e7d95f18c5c60cc93&oe=5E670292" width="327" />Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-74222794223104987672020-01-04T11:12:00.000-06:002020-01-04T11:42:11.244-06:00Understanding AbuseI found a teaching last year that perfectly explains exactly what happens in the dynamic of hidden/covert abuse. Please please listen to this teaching and learn about this issue (link to teaching video below).<br />
<br />
In my situation specifically, the details are a little different than the norm. There are definite nuances that apply. I am providing the notes I took while going through this teaching (several times) that specify exactly what happened in my situation, and how this teaching applies to that. (These notes were written for use in counseling and elsewhere, so you will see the writing style is just conversational with Joel and our counselor.)<br />
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I don't know which you want to do first...the video or the notes. If you want to know more specifically about what happened in MY situation, the notes are very important for that as, again, there are some pretty significant differences in my specific situation vs. the 'norm' presented in the teaching. That is, the principles still apply, but how that was/is lived out in my situation is different than the norm.<br />
<br />
But, the main principles of the teaching are important to hear and understand. I hope and pray that this is something that EVERYONE begins to learn and understand. Everyone in the church, everyone who has a female loved one, everyone in society...but especially pastors, so that they can lead the way in the major reform that is needed in this area.<br />
<br />
Teaching video:<br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/ThinkDifferentlyCounseling/videos/538840129892186/">https://www.facebook.com/ThinkDifferentlyCounseling/videos/538840129892186/</a><br />
<br />
The notes I took about how it applies to our situation:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/als5hrqx4t6k178/Bob%20Hamp%20Teaching%20Notes.docx?dl=0&fbclid=IwAR3LMN8RXNxw3PPjejPUkvU21imP0ZujX3gx4EgeoFfri8_jO0d5krD__fA">https://www.dropbox.com/s/als5hrqx4t6k178/Bob%20Hamp%20Teaching%20Notes.docx?dl=0&fbclid=IwAR3LMN8RXNxw3PPjejPUkvU21imP0ZujX3gx4EgeoFfri8_jO0d5krD__fA</a><br />
<br />Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-19281129704459088492020-01-01T17:58:00.002-06:002020-01-01T18:01:01.166-06:00The Two ResponsesI'm going to share here two responses that I got recently within 24 hours of each other. These two responses provide you with a little insight into what goes on all around me at all times.<br />
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<u>Response #1</u><br />
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The first I'm sharing shows the simplemindedness and sheer refusal, that is so very prevalent among the people in Joel's camp, to take in the facts. He is like this. His family of choice is like this. These are truly their beliefs, despite any facts and truth that is handed to them on a silver platter.<br />
<br />
I don't share this to complain that these things are being said to me. I share this in shock, honestly, that people can believe this way.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Michawn..I was reading everything you wrote..I don't understand what you say about Joel's destructive behavior.<br />Another thing, as I understand from your lines, do you think Joel has to choose between you and his children or his family of origin?<br />Don't you want Joel to honor his parents?<br />Answer if you want.<br />You look so full of hurt. And this whole situation for years dragging on, so many people involved.<br />They made a mistake, but they are still his parents, so hard to break this bond.<br />If you don't want Joel anymore, why are you still married to him?<br />If he won't do what you think is right, then he won't do it for you, right?<br />What did Joel do so badly to make you feel so abused and full of indignation and hate?<br />That's what you convey in your speech ... a very unhappy woman, outraged, hurt, betrayed and full of hope that Joel will do what you want to be able to resume the marriage ...<br />You say you want to help other abused people, so explain to me what this abuse might be.<br />What I can understand from a distance is that you demand that Joel leave, leave his family of origin, and that is impossible ... his first emotional family ties are his parents .. he was born of them .... Joel formed another family, but not to lose the first one.</blockquote>
The above mindset is the reality of what I am STILL dealing with with Joel and his people.<br />
<br />
<u>Response #2</u><br />
<br />
More and more, I get these. The more I share the evidence, the more I talk about what has happened, the more people start to see truth. Not all. And many never will. But, some will.<br />
<br />
This is one such person...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Hey girl, wanted to message you and tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this crap with Joel. I know you have been hurt by sooo many of us who have drank the “cool-aid”. (Meaning for me the [insert church we were involved in together] way.) I feel like I became a robot in how I had to live and function instead of walking in flipping Grace of Jesus. That’s the nut shell version for me. Anyway, I have tried as much as I can with small children to follow most of what’s going on. And for me it’s kind of been a slow death just reading and hearing about y’all and your marriage going to pot. I know it’s waaaay worse for you but want you to know I love you and you deserve waaaaaay better then his abuse and garbage. I can’t get over Joel and his actions with his family of origin vs his wife and kids. It just baffles me what he has chosen and continues to choose. I will never ever forget your wedding! Ever, it was amazing and beautiful and I loved getting to be a part. I also know that a lot of our friends are no longer around because they think you're wrong and Joel is the angel. I’m just soooo sorry; I especially hate it for your kids. It has to be ridiculously hard during the holiday season; I Just want you to know that I love you and pray that you and your kids are able to somehow find your way through the shmuck of it all. Love ya.</blockquote>
Our family has been destroyed. More and more people see the truth of how it happened.<br />
<br />
It would make mine and the kids' lives so much better if Joel and his family of choice saw truth too.Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-1773695088143413472019-12-30T15:55:00.002-06:002019-12-30T15:56:08.951-06:00The Unspeakable<div style="background-color: white; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<span style="color: #1c1e21; font-size: 14px;">"There's nothing like a 'higher purpose' to permit men to do the unspeakable."</span></div>
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My GOD...what a perfect quote to summarize what has been done to me and my life, by 'good Christian people.'</div>
</span>Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-24036744672397261902019-12-29T16:40:00.000-06:002019-12-29T16:41:09.422-06:00Rock Bottom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In situations like mine this is the reality of the situation. </div>
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Back in January/February a friend of ours was trying desperately to help Joel. He would say things like "You just need to hit rock bottom. I hate that for you, but I think that's what it's going to take...for you to lose everything before you realize the truth here, and realize what you have done to your wife and kids."</div>
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And, because I've been going through this for years, nothing in the world sounded better to me for that to happen, for his rock bottom to come. But sadly I knew what had been proven over and over...that he won't ever hit rock bottom. </div>
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1) He refuses to go deep at all...so he won't ever bump into the bottom or truth, </div>
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2) he feels NOTHING, so that's another reason that won't work, and </div>
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3) he and his family of choice will never leave their stance of blaming me for this instead of seeing the truth about themselves. If they have been shown all the clear evidence for years, and have NO evidence of their own to back up what they say, and yet they STILL believe that I'm the problem here...then no, they will never believe truth.<br /><br />They don't 'hate' me, although they walk in the opposite of love. And their 'narcissism' is a learned narcissism backed up by their detrimental theological beliefs. But, the words in the meme are very, very true.</div>
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When you have people who have zero empathy, and therefore zero emotions based in empathy, they just don't hit that rock bottom that others eventually get to.</div>
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It's so scary and challenging for this to be the reality of what the kids and I have to deal with daily.</div>
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Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-81603615867028085852019-12-27T21:39:00.001-06:002019-12-27T21:40:28.721-06:00Not a Mistake...No Matter How Much It Hurts<img alt="Image may contain: text" height="400" src="https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/81101021_1324040517797377_925539815628210176_o.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ohc=jQzd8ZUaG0wAQlR2F-yXI_CVN1i_2ezkNAwrslS4U2jUPJ3Kvkf_nxIKA&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=b4dcd2f8731ae8440b44ed43574bf37a&oe=5EB2689A" width="383" />Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24794370.post-57070601892118701242019-12-22T14:42:00.002-06:002019-12-22T14:43:04.013-06:00A Word to the Family of ChoiceTo Joel's family of choice, his family of origin...<br /><br />I can't believe this is my life and this is where we find ourselves. But, it is. This has happened. This is our reality. <br /><br />I write this because these are things that need to be said, and because living in the truth is still needed here. <br /><br />Truth is so very important. It is all we have. It is our guide. <br />
<br />I hope that it starts to be your guide.<br /><br />I write this, also, for answers. Answers are needed. Really look inside yourselves and dig for the facts here...and provide answers so that growth can happen, and truth can be lived in.<br /><br />There is a paragraph below that asks you questions. Our counselor and I really do ask that you answer those questions.<br /><br />Again, I can't believe this is the life we now live. My children and I should be happily inside a family that includes a husband/father living in the home. We should all still be living our happy, healthy bilingual, bicultural lives in Brazil. But, choices were made by Joel that has made that impossible.<br />
<br />
Joel chose his family of origin over the family he made. He chose you. He did not leave and cleave. So, his wife and children were left emotionally all the way back at the beginning of 2012. Joel showed exactly who he was yoked to, even then. And he never came back to us (if he was ever really emotionally yoked to us in the first place...which is questionable of course). <br />
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It's really sad. No, it's way more than sad. It is devastating and heartbreaking and soul-crushing to know all that we had and all that we lost...all because of his choice to stay with you (yoked to your hearts and beliefs and ways) instead of choosing us. A family was destroyed. Know that. Know that deeply in your souls. A family was destroyed here.<br /><br />And that family was destroyed because you weren't (and never started) living in the truth.<br />
<br />
We (the kids and I) did nothing wrong. We did nothing unholy. We did nothing that made us the enemy.<br />
<br />
The kids and I remain a family. We are a unit. Your son/brother should be right here with us in that unit. But, he chose to leave that unit to remain with you.<br />
<br />
That is abnormal. That is toxic family behavior.<br />
<br />
Based on all your past behavior since 2012, you will inevitably be tempted to just add this and my other recent blog posts to the 'reasons' you have for thinking me wrong. For thinking me 'unstable.' For thinking me 'argumentative' and 'manipulative' and 'controlling.' For thinking Joel is better off not being in our family unit. For thinking that I only want to fight or cause trouble...or whatever else it is that you think of me. I would caution you not to do that. Please just listen and learn and grow. Be open to what I have to say here.<br /><br />
You all still claim to be a HEALTHY and LOVING and GODLY family. Joel still defends you to the end and says that he and you all are healthy and so loving and Godly. But, the things you have done, and continue to do, are not healthy and loving and Godly. I'll tell you what I mean...<br /><br />We'll start at the beginning and work our way to the present (just the highlights...believe me, this is not even almost an exhaustive list).<br />
<br />
And before we get started here...again, the FIRST thing a healthy, loving, Godly family would do, right now, would be to be EAGER to listen and learn and humble themselves. They would be eager to listen to the person they have damaged most in this world, so that they could learn what they did wrong, what they need to do to safeguard themselves from ever being the people they have been in this situation again, and so that they could have their eyes and hearts opened to exactly what happened and the huge amount of contrition they <i>should</i> be living in (but aren't...if you were, everything would be different for me and my children; <i>you</i> would be different, even now).<br />
<br />
You should be heartbroken. A family was destroyed. People's lives were destroyed. You should not be joyful or happy to have your son/brother back, because the only way you have him back is because that family was destroyed, those lives destroyed. You should be heartbroken. But you're not.<br />
<br />
If you were a healthy, loving, Godly family...<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>When Joel came to you and started complaining to you about how I was being unfair at the beginning of 2012 (we've discussed in detail how that wasn't even true...and he had never even had that discussion with ME...he just went straight to you and started complaining to you about me), you would have questioned his behavior (that to any emotionally mature person was obviously questionable behavior) instead of just blindly believing him and jumping onto the snowball (made of only lies) that then just went further and further and further down the hill, growing leaps and bounds each time you all talked to each other.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>You never once questioned him and that behavior. If you did, you would have talked to me and gotten my side of the story (BEFORE the snowball even left the top of the hill would have been the best obviously...but, if you were the people you still say you are, and that Joel still insists you are, you would have at least done it at any point on this journey) and you would have seen that there was a completely different side of the story, and that I actually had facts to back up my story (your son/brother never has had facts, and still doesn't). And if truth was your guide, then everything would have been cleared up. <br />
<br />
<b>**</b>When I tried to give my side of the story in the fall of 2014 (even though you'd never asked for it at ALL in the almost 3 years since the beginning, except the one time Kristin did but with ulterior motives and at the same time was stabbing me straight in the back...yes, I have all that correspondence documented very well, I have proof of the things I say, as usual)...when I tried so hard in good faith to talk things out with you all so that we could reconcile...if you were a healthy, loving, Godly family, you would have been ecstatic that I was even willing to talk to you all after all that you'd done to me. You would have been filled with contrition even then and eager to hear anything I had to say so that it could all be cleared up. You would have WANTED everything I said to be true (which it was), but instead you didn't want to talk anything out with me. You didn't want anything to be cleared up. You all acted as if you didn't want anything I said to be true...you wanted to just keep thinking of me as the enemy (which you had just fallen into believing about me without any proof or reasoning). You didn't care to hear anything from me. You wanted to just walk forward and pretend like nothing ever happened. That is NOT healthy/loving/Godly. If you don't know that by now, hear that and learn it.<br />
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<b>**</b>When I refused to move forward by just sweeping things under the rug, and Joel stood by me in that at first, you held your (very unhealthy, unloving, ungodly) ground and refused to talk it all out. You very wrongly (and unhealthily, unlovingly, and in a very un-God-like way) labeled that as me just wanting to live in the past, wanting to shame you all, me being bitter. You talked about how ungodly <b>I</b> was...although <b>I</b> was the one who wanted to do the work of reconciling. That was ME who fought tooth and nail for your family (I tried to get you guys to reconcile with me for over 2 months), when I had already been abused and beaten down completely by that time (almost 3 years into the spiritual and emotional abuse I had endured)...it was ME who was fighting to keep us all together. It was YOU who was continuing to throw me away like trash, refusing to talk to me. You didn't care if it broke us all apart. You didn't care, turns out, if it broke my marriage apart. You just refused to do the work of reconciliation.<br />
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<b>**</b>We made the boundary (finally, in November 2014) that if you refused to reconcile with me, then we would have to cut ties with you for a year, focus on JUST US as a married couple and family, and then revisit extended family after that year of healing as a married couple. The focus was to be healing as a married couple. That <i>had</i> to be the focus at that point. We were both sad about it, and honestly couldn't believe that was happening (that you had refused to reconcile), but we HAD to put our marriage first. <br />
<br />
Then Joel contacted you just a couple of weeks later *completely behind my back* (as you well knew) after he decided that he just could NOT be without you all. First of all that should have been a BIG RED FLAG for you about his behavior. He was longing for you in a way that he had never longed for his wife when we were separated. And not because he just simply didn't love his wife. And not because his wife was wrong in her boundaries (she was not). But, because he had never done the leaving and cleaving thing. That was OBVIOUS...if not before, it was obvious then. He was yoked to YOU. He was emotionally committed to YOU. But, you didn't care. You LOVED that he was back. It didn't matter that he was doing it in secret. You didn't care that he was LYING to his wife. You didn't care.<br />
<br />
Do you not see how very corrupt that is?! How sick that is?! That behavior went on for a long time. It's <a href="http://michawn.blogspot.com/2015/07/joel-michawn-part-30-lies-deceit.html" target="_blank">documented here</a>...and other places with details about how he did things like conspired with Danny during that time who emailed me (violating the boundary we had set) to ask about meeting up with them and when I got understandably very upset, he faked anger at Danny ("What?! Why would he do that? Why would he disrespect the boundary we set?! I can't believe it!!") and wrote a fake email scolding Danny for crossing the boundary...when he was behind it all along! <i>How twisted and sick is that?!</i> Yet, you call <i>me</i> manipulative? And things like after Joel and I had spent a full week together sequestered in our room, having a very healing week, Joel posted about it excitedly on Facebook. Did he get support about that? No...Angela and others who were *supposed* to love us like family attacked attacked attacked, accusing ME of posting for Joel...as usual, treating me as the enemy (that I'd never been in the first place). We had just healed so much in that week...and instead of being happy or encouraging, you destroyed it. <br />
<br />
Ebersoles...SURELY you see how messed up you are!! NONE of this is even close to healthy, loving, and Godly. Not even close.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>At any point during that 7 month period that he was having a secret relationship with you completely behind my back, and you all were doing things like encouraging him to call you when I wasn't around and to delete your correspondence and be careful not to get caught by me...you could have stopped what you were doing with him. At any point during those 7 long months you could have done the right thing. You did not do the right thing.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>When I found out about your secret relationship with my husband (in July 2015), I was completely devastated. COMPLETELY devastated!! You will never grasp just how broken and beaten I've been so many times since 2012...only able to survive in the fetal position. But, as battered and barely-hanging-on as I was, I chose to not give up on our marriage. Still. Still, even then. After we went to counseling and it was decided that the best thing to do was to give us some time as a couple, to heal, to recover, to focus on our relationship...the boundary was set with you all that September that we would be taking at LEAST the next 6 months, but that it would probably be longer than that, to focus on JUST US, and trying to heal and move forward.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>Joel sent you an email giving you the update...that counseling had been a breakthrough and that thankfully we were going to continue in our marriage and not separate/divorce. We both felt scared (esp. me, for good reason). After a full week of intensive counseling, we had been reconnected and were celebrating...we were hopeful. Andre responded to Joel's news with a frantic, crazy email talking about how he was so very worried for Joel and his well-being (again...what had I done wrong?...how did I pose this 'threat' to Joel?...no one could ever tell me what I had done wrong.) It was an urgent, hysteria-filled message that honestly, made Joel roll his eyes and laugh. In that moment, even he saw a bit of clarifying truth. And he said, "Why aren't they just happy for us? What is the big deal?" And the hopefulness was still there, but it was dampened, yet again. It was clear that you all were against our marriage and against me...that you saw me as this enemy even though it had been made clear to you with actual facts as part of my side of the story (that you didn't want to hear or engage with in order to reconcile) that I wasn't. I had never acted in any way that would characterize me as an enemy...to Joel, to you, to our marriage and family, and even to our extended family. The people who had acted in characteristics displayed by an 'enemy' had only ever been <i>you</i> (as detailed even in the facts of this short blog post...there are so many other facts where these came from that prove this). Again...what facts do you have to support your beliefs and actions that made <i>me</i> out to be the enemy here? And do not say, "We didn't see you as the enemy." Because that won't work. All of your actions and behaviors since 2012 (documented actions and behaviors) toward me and my marriage prove different.<br /><br />"Why aren't they just happy for us?" he said.<br />
<br />
But, no...you weren't happy for us. You were focused on what YOU wanted and what our being back together and working on our marriage meant for YOU. You didn't care about the well-being of me or my children. You didn't care about our marriage and family. You weren't even happy for us. You were worried for Joel (for reasons that have NEVER been made clear or even verbalized by you), and you didn't like what our marriage surviving meant for YOU.<br /><br />None of these things, again, are what a healthy, loving, Godly family would do.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>Joel clearly told you that WE would contact you when it was time. That it would be up to me, the one who had to heal the most...and that we would contact you when<b> I </b>said it was time. What did you do? At the 6-month mark, you contacted us like that was no big deal, like it was 2011, and acted like nothing had ever happened.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>That was the beginning of the end again. His heart was rekindled for you again, and there was no turning back. I swear, it's like you are not only his family of choice, but his drug of choice too. It's...sick. Truly. There's nothing normal about it, and it has destroyed the family Joel had once built here. It is incredibly heartbreaking.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>When he came back to you all in May 2016, a healthy, loving, Godly family would have said to him, "No, son...no brother...your family is your wife and children. You fight for THEM. You belong with THEM. If that means that you can't be with us because of what we have done and the choices we've made, then so be it. But, you are to leave and cleave. You should be tied to the soul of your wife, not us. You should be with her and your children. THEY are your family, first and foremost."<br />
<br />
You see, had I done something wrong during any of this time...had I been destructive to your son/brother at any point during this time...then maybe you would have reason to gather Joel up in your arms and hold on tight. But...I asked you all over and over what I had done wrong. What was it that made you see me as an enemy in all of this? Where were the facts that backed up what you believed about me? None of you could ever provide any facts that backed up the beliefs you had all conjured up in your minds about me.<br />
<br />
So it never made ANY SENSE what was happening.<br />
<br />
Still...I'm still waiting for the facts that back up anything you've believed or said about me since 2012.<br />
<br />
Joel can't provide me or our counselor with any facts that back his beliefs up either. <br />
<br />
Literally none of what has happened makes sense.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>We were separated, again, for the second time and I made a last ditch effort to save my marriage at the beginning of August 2016. A team gathered around us and after much distress and unrest for many different reasons, we finally pulled through and came back together. The team working around us made a huge difference. Joel let you all know in September 2016 that we were going to work to restore our family again...and again, you all were the opposite of encouraging about this. There were very lengthy conversations about how you didn't think it was the right thing and how it wasn't the healthy thing for Joel and how you wished it would work out, but you didn't think it would. You protested and said things like, "So, Michawn just gets her way?" Sigh. It was not pleasant. Joel told you that he would be sending you an email at some point with the final boundaries that needed to be set. In the beginning of 2017, he did that.<br />
<br />
Let me just say that at NO POINT since we set our very first boundary in 2014 have you actually abided by the boundaries. At no point did we set a boundary and then trust that you all would respect the boundary. We always knew that you would try to send emails or letters or packages, and then you eventually resorted to sending postcards because those couldn't be Returned to Sender. And yet you call ME manipulative?<br /><br />I also want to say this...<br /><br />--Our counselor and I are still wondering...why? Why did you believe me to be manipulative, controlling, rebellious, given over to the enemy? Where are the facts for that? Why do you STILL believe me to be wrong in all of this? You and Joel both have said over and over that I need to focus on what I've done to destroy our marriage and how I've been wrong...how I've mistreated him, you, etc. Make a list of all of those things you see in me that needs to change, that has been wrong and destructive. Nobody can ever give me an answer for that (I've been asking you all sincerely for this list since 2014)...yet you continue to say that I've been these things and that I need to just focus on me and what I need to fix about me. We would like actual answers to this. Living in the truth is important. Please supply us with facts to back up what you have believed and acted upon this entire time.--<br /><br />
2017 was to bring about a whole new life for us. We were starting over in every way. We were happy. So happy. Joel was working on building trust again...that was his sole focus. I was working on healing. We were a family again. It was hard. It was going to be a long long road to recovery. But we were doing it. The future looked BRIGHT.<br />
<br />
Joel and I were friends again. We were becoming closer with each passing day. We were having fun again, and I was starting to trust.<br />
<br />
And then, on October 22nd, he texted and said that he couldn't 'do this.' He said that he didn't want to live without you...without his family. <br />
<br />
WE are his family. Yet, he couldn't, or wouldn't, focus on us and keep us. He only wanted you.<br /><br />He wanted you so much that he was willing to give up his wife and children.<br /><br />(Does that sound healthy and loving and Godly to you?)<br />
<br />
I cannot tell you the deep darkness that came around me at that point. I couldn't believe this was all happening again. I couldn't believe it. I truly thought that we were finally moving past it all, that we were going to make it. We had already made such strides and were so happy again together. And then, for no reason at all, he said he chose you instead. Again. He was choosing you...again.<br />
<br />
It's crazy how relentless about what is right I am. It was the darkest of times for me. I was just in the deepest, darkest fog of pain and disbelief that this was happening again. The pain...it was <b><i>unfathomable</i></b>. But...because of that relentlessness for what is right, I pulled myself together and fought...again. I fought for my family...my husband and my children and me...THIS is MY family. My husband and my kids...they come first...every single time. <br /><br />I finally found a counselor who was healthy and strong and egalitarian (KEY)...the first we had had. She had been part of the team who had come around us in August 2016. And an added bonus...she had a history with us. She had followed us as missionaries and knew us and our marriage when we were unbelievably blissful all those years. She had seen that, she had seen the turn, she had witnessed it all. And she came to our rescue, in November 2017, and worked with us literally daily, until Joel again made the final choice to go back to you in April 2019. She is still here with us every step of the way, still trying to help. But, Joel wants you.<br />
<br />
<b>**</b>In April, when Joel told us that he was going back to you, I sent you an email, Ken (on April 29th). I asked you to please turn your son back to his actual family...his wife and children. I said this to you...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Will you release Joel by telling him, in no uncertain terms, that when it comes to loyalty to his family of origin or loyalty to his wife and children, loyalty to his wife and children is absolutely and without question the right and holy choice?<br />
I know what this will look like in 5, 10, 15 years. Divorce is not what is best for this family. Divorce is sometimes necessary, yes…but that is not the case here. I do not want that for my family. Joel doesn’t want that for his family. But, his loyalty to you and your family is preventing him from moving forward with me and the children. I do not want my family to be broken. I want to heal and stay together, intact, and end up stronger than ever before. I want my kids to grow up with both of their parents in their home.</blockquote>
Your response in the end was "We are praying for you all and trusting that Joel in his relationship with God will be instructed in the right responses." But, Joel in his relationship with God had already proven that he wasn't going to be instructed in the right responses through God alone (because had that been the case, none of this would have happened at all, beginning back in 2012...because God never wanted any of this and none of what he has done has been under God's direction, proven by the fact that what he's done has been the opposite of what God/Jesus taught and modeled). You were so quick, Ken, to give Joel counsel before when you were counseling him to make decisions without me and counseling him that I had given myself over to Satan and there was no reasoning with me, etc. Counsel that he wholeheartedly believed and followed...without question. But, now that you had the chance to provide <b>healing</b> counsel, you refuse? It took everything in me to come to you, one of the people who has hurt me most in this world, and ask for your help. And, you refused to help me...again.<br />
<br />
A couple of days later, I knew that he was about to enter into contact with you again. I sent you a text. I said this...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I love your son. I love the family we made together and the life we had together before everything blew up.<br />
I want your son to be ok. I’ve only ever wanted what is best for him. I even wanted him, and all of us, to be able to be with you all. That is why I tried so hard to work things out with you all for so long. All I ever got in return was more backstabbing and lying and betrayal. But…I tried so hard. I tried so hard to clear up all of the confusion and slander and lies that you all believed about me.<br />
The things your son tells you are partial truths. Just partial truths.<br />
I heard a quote the other day that said, “They are really good at using truth to tell lies.”<br />
That is exactly what he does.<br />
That is what he started doing in 2012. I wanted to tell the full truth for every situation…that would have cleared things up and allowed reconciliation with you all. But, that wasn’t allowed.<br />
He might contact you…tonight, tomorrow, Sunday…I don’t know when.<br />
When he does contact you, he will tell you partial truths. Not full truths. Our counselor worked with him for a long time trying to help him to see the importance of telling full truths instead of partial truths (which = lies).<br />
He is leaving his children and his wife to do that, to contact you. His wife who has been nothing but loyal…and his children who know the truth about everything and are just heartbroken that he is choosing to leave our intact family out of this really messed up sense of obligation to his family of origin.<br />
I hope that you will be the man of God that you claim to be and steer him back to us. We are his family now. I hope that you will do the right thing.<br />
-Michawn</blockquote>
I never heard back from you.<br /><br />Joel was not steered back to us.<br />
<br />
You sent an email to our counselor a few days later. It starts out like this...<br />
<br />
"Good Morning!<br />
As you can imagine we all are overjoyed after hearing from Joel last weekend, and this week."<br />
<br />
Overjoyed. That is what you were. Overjoyed that your son had left his family (his wife and children) to come back to you. Overjoyed.<br />
<br />
Sure, you also said that your desire and prayer would be for reconciliation with Michawn...for both Joel and you. But, 1) you didn't say ANYTHING about being willing to let Joel go in order for that to happen (because you have NEVER been willing to do that, no matter what you've done to me and the distance from you all I've needed in order to heal...you just don't care about that because what you want and what is comfortable for you takes precedent), and 2) you also said lots more things in that email that I will get to eventually.<br />
<br />
So...all of this to say...<br />
<br />
This is the truth about you, the Ebersole family. This is the truth about what has happened here.<br />
<br />
Joel started seeing me as against him and as an enemy (for literally zero reasons...there was no reason whatsoever for him to see me as such) way back at the beginning of 2012. I was in major need of being taken care of and needed some rest and recovery time in a major way. He didn't like that and wanted to just keep doing whatever he wanted, living life as usual. Instead of counseling him to stop and take care of his wife who already needed help and rest and love and healing, instead of helping him to see his need to sacrifice and love and submit and lay down his wants to the needs of our union and family...you chose to join him in thinking of me as the enemy.<br />
<br />
And you all made up your minds to keep yourselves in that line of thinking, even when evidence was given to you (and continues to be given to Joel non-stop) that your thoughts and beliefs about me were/are wrong and so very damaging.<br />
<br />
Our family has been destroyed. Because you refused to open your eyes and hearts to truth. You refused to live in truth.<br />
<br />
What can you do now? What can possibly be done now?<br />
<br />
Well, the truth is always worth opening your eyes and hearts for. Even if it is just for truth's sake...open your eyes and hearts. And live in the truth. Start there. And then maybe your son/brother will follow.<br /><br />Live in the truth. <br /><br />I will never give up. I will never give up fighting for and hoping for truth to win out here.<br /><br />So...what are the answers to those questions? What made it possible, in your hearts and minds, for you to continue to do what you have done over the course of all these years?Michawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03083356425144072640noreply@blogger.com0