Joel. Michawn. {Post 51 - Mama Bear}

Someone tried to silence me this weekend (not my husband, by the way; in fact, he quickly said 'no, you need to keep doing that...helping others helps you heal,'...just fyi).  Someone tried to silence me. Oh my gosh...Mama Bear woke up.

Why?  Because I know that I know that I know that what I'm doing here is important.  Not everyone likes it.  Not everyone approves.  But...of course that doesn't even matter, does it?  I find it appalling that those people think they even have a right to such strong opinions about my life and what I'm doing in response to all that I've been through anyway.  It's laughable and blood-boiling all at the same time.

The people who are helped by the kinds of things I post are the exact ones that are marginalized and silenced by the exact kinds of people who don't find my voice about it appropriate.  The ones who don't approve of me speaking out are the same ones who keep the ones I'm helping silenced.Basically, they are bullies.

Read that last paragraph again.  Let it sink in.

The people who don't find my speaking out on these things appropriate are people who don't need the kind of help that what I talk about offers.  If they don't need that kind of help, if they've never been through things like this...they are fortunate.  Congrats to them.  Applause all around.  But, to criticize someone who has been through these things...they are not afforded that prerogative.  So...they need to stop.

If there are those who have been through these things but don't approve of the way in which I share things...shoulder shrug.  I probably don't approve of some of the things they do either (right?...let's all use logic here)...but, I don't go on the prowl at the ready to criticize what they do in response to how people mistreat them.

I will not be silenced.

There is help in what I'm doing here.

What was meant for harm is being used for good.

For some time now I've known that a near future post would include some of the commentary I've gotten from other people expressing to me why this is so important.  Proving to me how very common these things are...and how very common it is that women stay silent about it all.  And how if they have any inkling or urge to give a voice to it, they are quickly guilted into silence.

I welcome the chance to be a voice for women who can't speak out.  I'm grateful that that purpose in all of this has been revealed...and I will definitely run with it.

To those who still believe it to be inappropriate...if people don't want their continued darkness exposed, they shouldn't continually participate in darkness.  I will live in the light.  If you are standing near me or participating in my life and mistreating me in any way in darkness...you will be continually disappointed if you are wanting to keep that in the dark.  Because I will not allow it any longer.

A flip of a switch expels all darkness.  And that's what I'm doing in my life.  Expelling ALL darkness that has surrounded me and been utilized to mistreat me in any way.  

And in so doing, exposing the fact that these things are so very common...and these types of darkness are all too often justified and protected.  So many share my story.  So many live these things out day in and day out.  And so many have never had a voice...and have never heard another voice encouraging them in the fight.

I will continue to do just that.

So...I wanted to include a couple of posts here...if for nothing else, as a reminder to myself, of some of the reasons I do this...some of the reasons I continue to share my story and all of the many things that I learn along the way.

Hopefully, though, it will help remind some of you, who 'don't approve,' as to the purpose of all of this, too.  You are the ones who need to be silenced in your disapproval.  So, let this serve as your gag order.

It was exactly a year ago this Wednesday (October 28th...incidentally, the same day we got engaged 15 years ago) that I posted my very first blog post about our marriage difficulties. The post you are now reading makes 51 posts total (and counting) on the subject.  Included in all of those posts are some details about what happened, to give weight to what I say.  And, so many, many things I've learned along the way...about theology, interpersonal relationships, church culture, gender issues, counseling, kindness, empathy, grief, strength.

This isn't the 5th 'child' I'd hoped for.  But just like anyone else that has been given a ministry or platform, I will take care of it and protect it...that's why Mama Bear wakes up when someone starts to threaten it.  The platform comes because I now have experience here.  I didn't ask for it.  LAWD, I didn't ask for it.  But, it's what I've been given.  I will use it for good.  Right here.  Right now.  In the thick of it.  I will use it for good.

This is going to be a 2-part post.  The next post will be that post including commentary proving that this is a needed thing...in the lives of many.  But today, I will copy and paste a reply I gave...all the way back in April (that really crappy April, yes).  It might help to give some insight as to why I speak about these things in the way I speak about them.  Here, someone had initiated a conversation with me and asked (very graciously...although I never heard back from this person afterward) a few questions and expressed a few thoughts to me. This was part of my reply (I excluded all of the personal chit chat between he and I that didn't pertain to this subject), using some of his quotations to answer along the way.  Further background...this was right after this happened.  I mentioned that incident briefly here too (funny to read the intro. in that post, haha), after this revelation (so yes, I was still under the false impression that Joel and I were a united front).  So this is specifically in regards to that incident.  But, it applies to basically everything in our story and why I talk about these things and what material I choose to use to tell my story.

"I guess I assumed the idea was to share your story and leave others out of it as much as possible.” - that was/is the goal.  sometimes that is not possible.  i had managed to do it, though, pretty well (and believe me…there is LOTS i’m not sharing and lots of protecting that went on, even with what i did share).  and had managed to do it very anonymously.  because, comparatively speaking, the vast majority of people don’t know the people you know and are talking about.  people have lots of ‘family members.’ did you see how most people didn’t even know what side of the family i was talking about?  why?  because i have family members too.  lol.  and because, mainly…they just didn’t care.  as people have said over and over again…it didn’t matter to them.    

"I guess the part that was very disheartening was sharing personal pieces from other people's emails. Just seems a bit hurtful regardless of the situation.” - there have been many people who write things from experience…and it would be great if you could learn things from them…but, they are so vague that you don’t know what they are actually talking about.  to say, for instance, ‘we had some very discouraging correspondence from these certain people…one person was messaging me being all nice, but then that same person was going to joel and saying bad things about me.’ of course, you get the gist of the situation.  but, there’s no real meat there…no real credibility or validity.  you walk away thinking, ‘i mean…how bad could it be?  she’s probably just exaggerating.’ the only way to cure that is to actually give the facts.  to actually show what happened.  to actually even use the very words spoken/written, straight from the horse's mouth (which is powerful even when you do that anonymously, without using names).  case in point, the 4-5 people (close to me) to whom i revealed privately who it was (some of them, only after yesterday and these family members' comments on Facebook)…it made it *way worse* for them that it was joel’s brother and SIL.  they were shocked.  they had just assumed that they were some other family members…not someone that close to joel/me…that closely related.  it gives it more weight to know who it was…but, that part i had kept hidden.  i won’t keep hidden the actual facts though…otherwise nobody truly learns from it.  if the facts weren’t given, and instead there was just a really vague account…the depths to which people could learn from it would not be reached.  is it ‘hurtful’?  it’s the truth.  sometimes the truth does hurt.  

"don't you believe we have to cover our family not expose them?” - that is a valid question.  i have an answer.  when someone has wronged someone over the course of a few *years* (because truly…how hard would it have been to get my side of the story?  did they just not see me as truly part of the family?  they’ve all counseled people before…getting both sides of the story is just basic counseling 101, is it not?), when there comes a time for confrontation, grace and mercy must be available to them.  grace and mercy was available to them.  in response, the offending party has options too.  will there be true repentance?  or just a pat ‘i’m sorry…now let’s move on.’  because a pat ‘i’m sorry…now let’s move on,’ is not true repentance.  and without true repentance, there will never be reconciliation.  when there is true repentance, the two parties can discuss what happened, ask questions, get answers, express anger even.  all of these things were refused in my case.  they literally said that they were sorry, but that they didn’t want to discuss it further.  that is not repentance.  not even close to repentance.  so, in that case, there can be forgiveness or a 'letting go.'  but, reconciliation is not an option.  

when there is great wrongdoing, the person wronged *can* be silent, yes.  but, when they see that the wrongdoing is a very common problem actually…and that common mindsets and theology are surrounding those wrongdoings…and a common way of looking at others and treating others that is very unhealthy surrounds those wrongdoings…annndd when it is seen that wow, these things are actually common reasons for the downfall of marriages in general...when all of that is seen, it must be addressed.  certain personality types might not feel that way.  but, there are some who know that they must speak out.  there are certain people who cannot just silently sit and see those injustices continue.  there are certain people who will not rest until awareness and discussion of those issues are accomplished.  and, in the end, hopefully answers about them even.  

i am one of those people.  these wrongs must be exposed, not covered.  my story includes those wrongs.  so my story will be told.  

if there had been true repentance and reconciliation, then my story would look somewhat different.  there would be less wrongs to talk about, and more examples of how to do things right. there would be more light and less darkness.  but, the wrongdoings that i’ve already talked about in my blog would still be a part of the story.  it would just have a better ending.  

it doesn’t have that better ending.  but, we know that we did all we could to bring about that better ending.  then we had to move on and start the process of healing US.  nobody can make others make the right choices.  but, we can’t just halt our journey or stay silent on something that needs to be talked about because others make wrong choices.  

so, we move forward.  exposing not family, but wrongdoing.  because it’s important.  and it makes all the really stinky crap of the past few years have a purpose.  and that brings healing.

Is family exposed in the process of exposing wrongdoing?  Sometimes.  But...

Here's the big picture, folks...

If everyone would just stop habitually protecting and covering up everyone else's wrongdoings, those habitual wrongdoings would be less likely to occur!!

Can people really not see that?

Why do we allow these things to continue to happen?!?  And why, when someone has the courage to come out and talk about these things, do we blame the person talking about it and criticize that person that is just being honest and bringing things out into the light (when trying to resolve it in private didn't work) and say they are the ones who are in the wrong?!?

Also, what about the wrongdoers themselves just being honest and open...just saying, 'This is what I did.  I'm going to stop walking in that way.  And I'm going to share my mistakes and sins and even huge failures...I want to make the world a better place.'

We have to be willing to talk about these things!!  We have to be willing to be honest about ourselves!!  So, if you have done wrong and someone says, 'Hey, you did this,' we have to be willing to own up to that.

If you've done the right thing and have owned up to your failures/sins, if you are making those things right with who you have offended, and if you are mature...then you welcome the chance for your example to be used so that others can be helped.

If you don't want to be used as an example of wrongdoing and what it can do to yourself and others...then stop the wrongdoing.

I feel the need to remind you here that no, I'm not perfect, nor do I think that I am (that always gets brought up).  But, I am quick to see when I'm wrong and have used my wrongdoings constantly to help others along the way.  Because that's practical and useful and it gives the crap of our lives and our sin purpose.  Keeping things in the dark or trying to hold onto sin in your life, or hide it even after you've confessed it, does nobody any good, esp. yourself.  As open and honest as I'm being about others' mistreatment of me in hopes to help in the bigger picture here...that's how open and honest I am with others about my failures and shortcomings.  If you don't believe me, I started this blog in 2006...there is plenty of 'Michawn failure material' in the 818 blog posts on this blog.  You can see for yourself.  ;)

Joel. Michawn. {Part 50 - My 'July Season'}

Today I'm going back.  I'm going back to July.

July was not pleasant.  It was the absolute opposite of pleasant.  It was supposed to be one of the best times...but it turned into the hardest time of my entire life.  

I'm going back to that unpleasant, hardest-time-of-my-life time today for a brief visit.  Why?  Because there are some important things that need to be documented from that time.  Some very bad things.  And some good.  

All of it, though, we can learn from.  So, that's why I go back.

But, just be warned.  Sometimes when I go back and document how it was then, I get falsely accused of being bitter.  

Listen...these are the things that happened.  I will document what happened.  Not out of any ill will or any bad feelings that I have about what happened.  What happened suuuuuuucks.  No doubt.  But...what do you do?  You can't control what others do.

But you can learn from it.

And that's what we're doing here.

Remember...things now are better than they were in July.  Much much better.  The counselor turned things around.  The counselor finally held Joel accountable for these types of things he was doing.  Praise God someone finally came through for our marriage.  

But, before that, this is what was happening.  

Don't miss some of the wonderful nuggets of advice and encouragement and truth down below.  Some of it is hard to read, but those nuggets of TRUTH are worth it.

Also remember these two things:
1.  I am not the one who did this.  I am not the one who 'made this public'...that person who made that first comment below is the one who 'outed' himself.  I did not do that.  But I will always give an answer to what happens in my life...esp. what happens 'in public.'  I will not be silent or sit back and let someone (anyone) speak untruths about me.  And, I will be the one to discuss it further and learn from this behavior...and help others to do the same.  Because that is the mature and wise thing to do.  So I do that here.
2.  Although this includes very specific examples and there are specific people in these examples, it is not about them.  The issues that arise here are far-reaching...and that is what it's about.  The huge bigger picture is what we must focus on.  So please focus on the bigger societal and theological and interpersonal issues that clearly come out of these examples as you read below.

We must talk about what happened (however unpleasant) before we get to the lesson learned part.  

So, here we go...

July 3rd is when I found out about Joel's extensive lies and betrayal that I thought had been stopped in the Fall of 2014, but...as I found out...continued.  I wrote about it on Facebook.  Then later I shared what I had put on Facebook that day here on the blog.

The biggest response I got from people is that they were just brokenhearted for me.  Just completely heartbroken.  They encouraged me to continue to do the right things, to listen to His voice.  Some suggested that I start looking into other options (divorce, divorce care ministries, etc.)...of course these were very logical and loving responses too.  But mostly people just expressed how sorry they were for me.  The comments died down on the 5th.  But, then two days later, I got another comment.

July 7th:

Michawn, you are so wrong. You are wrong about the way you feel about your husband. You are wrong about not allowing him or the kids to go and visit his family. You are wrong about not going with your husband to visit his family. What is so wrong with him talking to his family. I don't blame him, I would still love to talk to my parents. His is still alive. Let them and your whole family have a relationship. You have the best husband a woman could ever ask for and it's like you are throwing him away. Just look at all the stuff he has done for you. He wouldn't have did all he did if it wasn't for you. He did it to make you happy. And he gets this treatment in return? The devil has come to dwell in your heart and you chased God away and let the devil take his place. You need to get it right and you need to get it right before it is too late. I could tell for a long time that Joel is not a happy camper. And I knew why. You are hampering God's will for y'all by refusing to leave Saline and go back to the missionary field. There was a time I heard you say from the pulpit that you had just fallen in love with God. Well, when you got a house in Saline, you fell in love with Saline, and evidently out of love with God (you no longer go to church) and I hope and pray not out of love with Joel. You need God, you need Joel, and those precious kids need you and Joel to be one - a happy one. And that's the way I feel. Don't come to me saying I don't know the whole story. I don't want to know the whole story - I just want to know that Joel and yourself are happily in love and that it is a God centered love. I love you all. I do not want to see Joel trashed from our family.

This was, unfortunately, my father...as you will see in my reply.  A little background...my father had gotten on Facebook only to be able to keep updated with us in Brazil and see pictures and videos of the kids, etc.  He had used a different name than his own...Sam.  And he had never ever made his presence known...no 'likes,' no comments, etc.  Until the comment above.

My reply:

well, i guess this is just the cherry on top here, Sam. what a fabulous way for my *own father* to make his way out of the shadows and make his Facebook debut.  

how many times have you talked about this to me in person? oh, that's right...*none.* zero.  

i have always known that i had a very sexist father. fine. just the way it was. but, i never really imagined that my own father, when i was in dire need of protection like i have been the past few years, would turn his back on me and support and defend the perpetrator. the way you favor joel (and all men) has always been evident, but this just makes it abundantly clear, doesn't it? 

you don't want to know the whole story? that is up to you. you don't even know 1/100ths of the story i'm guessing...because i'm sure you haven't even read the blog or any of my side of things. but without the whole story you have no idea what you are talking about, even when you think you do.  

another reason why i no longer go to church? because they are *full* of 'Christian' men (and even some women, sadly) like you.  

thank you for your support, daddy. thank you for protecting your little girl.  

sadly, i knew the truth in my heart...the truth of what you thought of me and this situation. i could tell how you felt by your coldness towards me and how you always asked for and wanted Joel around. joel and i have even talked about it...i knew.  

now everyone else knows too. what a sad situation. what a sad response to your daughter in need. 

Again...we can all learn from this...so let's focus on the lessons here below...

I honestly was shocked.  You can probably pick up on that a little in my reply.  This man had never once talked to me, in person or in any other way, about my life the past few years.  Why?  Because he didn't care.  He didn't care to know.  That is not speculation...he clearly says that in his comment.  He had made up his mind about what was going on and he didn't want to hear anything else.  Lol.  Incredibly immature and closed-minded.  But, I knew him.  I've known him my whole life.  I've seen the way he handles things.  I knew this was how he was.

That part was very sad to me...that he wouldn't want to hear from his own daughter what was going on in her life.  That he preferred 'perfect in his mind' Joel over me.  Joel was a male after all.  But, that was nothing new.  Sad.  But...none of that was surprising to me.  Again...I'd known him my whole life.  So...not surprising.

This though?...that he would take it to Facebook when he has never taken anything to Facebook before?  When he had never talked to me at all, ever about any of this?  Yes, it was surprising.

I wasn't shocked or upset because he was saying things that I don't agree with.  I was upset because he was saying things that are just complete lies.  Disagree with me all the live long day.  But don't you dare lie about me.

He would know these were lies if he asked.  But...he doesn't want to know.

Funny how people think of dads.  The ones with good, very supportive, very protecting dads anyway. Therefore, when this dad was just 'voicing his concerns' as some people saw it, those same people then started to say such things as 'If this is what your own dad is seeing and saying, then maybe we need to look deeper.  He's only trying to speak truth into your life after all since he, of course, loves you and only wants to protect you.'

Except that sentiment about this person is not true.  He didn't even want to know anything about my life.  That's not love.

Has he 'loved' me and provided for me in many, many ways in the past?  Yes.  For those things I will always be grateful.

But, when the rubber meets the road, true character shows.  The 'rubber' didn't 'meet the road' in my life until a little over 3 ½ years ago.  His true character has really come out.

Just like Joel's did.

Before this, I was basically just an easy wife and daughter.  I mean, if you are, in most ways, meeting all the expectations of others, then there's no rubber to meet the road.  But, when you start to have needs or thoughts that don't align with what those 'others' expect or deem acceptable, you see their true character come out.

Will those people still show you love even when you are not doing what they (selfishly) want you to do?  Will they still take care of you and protect you?  Will they meet your needs?

We saw the answer in Joel (thankfully he is being reformed)...and we saw the answer with this man.  

For those of you who know this man personally (or even those who don't), again I am not trying to run anybody down here.  I'm not being vengeful at all.  If you think such things, then your heart is wrong.

As always with this blog, I am pointing out truth. I am pointing out the bigger picture.  It is important to focus on what we can learn from things like this.

I won't protect darkness.  Wrong theology, sexism, not seeking truth ("I don't want to know your story")...this is all darkness.  I am also done protecting 'perceptions of others.'  And I will continue to speak out against these things.  No matter who it is that does them.

Because we can all learn from it.  Praise God there is a redeeming part to all of this.  There is a much bigger picture here.  There are so many, many people in the world being harmed by these very things...wrong theology, sexism (gender inequality), people formulating their own stories of what is happening instead of actually asking the people involved (and believing them).  We have to speak out.

I will continue to use personal examples of these things that I've experienced, I will continue to use my story...because it shows that I know what I'm talking about.  I've been there.  It's happened to me.  Horrible things have happened here...and by the people who were supposed to love me most.

24 hours before this comment was made by this man (on the 6th), I spent a few hours with him, laughing and having a good time.  He said nothing to me about any of this...as usual.

He posted this comment on Facebook...and I was expected to just sweep it under the rug.  I was expected to go out to dinner with this man and act as if nothing ever happened 24 hours after he said these things about me on Facebook.

It was seen as wrong of me that I didn't just sweep it under the rug.  The people who tried to sweep this under the rug and expected me to do the same...they are just as wrong as this man.

And I will do that no longer.  I've always hated it, but sweeping things under the rug is something that I will no longer do.  I think that's pretty clear here.  It's so unhealthy and damaging.  I even wrote about that very thing (plus true forgiveness and repentance, and walking away from people) extensively here in this blog post.

If this man ever changes and chooses to try to make amends, then we'll see if that is possible.  But, knowing this man well, I don't expect that to ever happen.

I haven't seen or heard from him since he made that comment.

If the people who sweep these things under the rug and expect me to do the same ever change and choose to try to make amends, then we'll see if that is possible.  But, I'm not sure that will happen either (they want to just, as usual, move on and pretend nothing ever happened).  Talking it all out and making amends did happen with one of those people...and I'm very thankful for that.  But, the others...as I've always believed (and the counselor reiterated...and the Bible itself teaches), sometimes it is best and healthy to move away from certain people.  No grudges, no bitterness...but to distance oneself is the healthy thing to do.

People who sweep things under the rug instead of talking about things honestly and openly...I will walk away from and take my children with me.  The end.

After the comment my father posted, the conversation picked back up and continued over the next few days (July 7th-9th).  But first, let me share with you what someone else had written in response to something else I had shared, on July 5th:

Something that I hope encourages you is something that encouraged me when I was going through a difficult time. Someone pointed out to me that Scripture says "blessed are the peacemakers".... and how a whole LOT of people interpret that verse in a very wrong way... there is a HUGE difference between being a peaceMAKEr and peaceKEEPer... people tend to want to interpret that verse to mean peacekeeper... don't make waves, let things go, be "good"... just keep the peace... when in reality, a peaceMAKEr (what Scripture actually says) sometimes has to make waves, shake things up, and confront reality in order to really MAKE peace. So, be encouraged that there are those of us out here who aren't looking down on you for being willing to confront the reality that is going on in your life. It is an encouragement and inspiration that you are willing to allow us to walk through this with you and learn from your experiences. I will continue to pray for wisdom and clarity for you in this journey.

Many of you have heard that before, as I had.  But, man oh man...what it meant to hear it again at this specific time!  It was huge.  And so very, very full of truth.

Again, the conversation continued...some bad, some good.  This was one of my comments:

first of all, to those who have 'liked' my father's comment of complete rubbish, it is nice to know your true colors and what you believe about me.  

there are many people (*most* people) who really don't like it when someone rocks the boat. if something *seems* good, if someone *seems* good, then everyone should just let those perceptions rule...even if that person and that situation is very, very destructive and very, very *not* good. even if that person is destroying someone they supposedly love. 

again, charm is deceptive. many of you have believed that joel is something that he is not. and you loved that i was quiet about it...even though it destroyed me.  

you wish that i would go back to being quiet...and being destroyed. you'd rather the destruction of me vs. the honesty about what has happened/is happening.  

it speaks loudly to the prevalence of the mentality to support the male...no matter what. doesn't matter what proof you have of what he's done...he becomes the victim once the *actual* victim finally starts speaking out about what he's done. and the 'whistleblower' always becomes the bad one. 

if you are in that category, where you would rather me be destroyed (and our marriage be destroyed) instead of honest, you are not peaceMAKERS...you are peaceKEEPERS. you would rather someone be destroyed in the name of 'submission' or 'being a good little wife' or 'not rocking the boat' or God forbid, someone's perceptions being tampered with (i can assure you, joel is not what he seems).  

if you are in that category, you are not my friend at all.  

i wouldn't have had to 'come out' in the first place had people really cared and done the right things 'in the quiet places.' that very much did *not* happen...and i gave it *years.* 

why didn't it happen? because the male in the situation was always supported and the focus of blame was turned toward me...when i had/have done *nothing* wrong.  

i will never stop telling the truth...about *whatever* subject. but, i most certainly will not continue to allow the destruction of my life just because being honest about it makes you uncomfortable and 'outs' people. i am a peaceMAKER. 

And this:

the whole story is super long and detailed and involved. but, if you haven't read at least the part that is 'out there' so far (the blog starting back in october...and these posts), then that is the place to start. if you have read those things and you *still* have these questions, then i will answer them. but, these questions have all been answered before.  

as far as 'going public,' it's been public since october. and i explain all the reasons for that (the initial reasons and then more motivations that came up as i continued to share) in the blog. in april, *his* family started going on the attack here on Facebook and outing themselves, so it wasn't me who went public with the details and who was doing everything. the blog continued and then i began a break from blogging in may...thought it was going to be a wonderful summer of healing finally...thought we were back to doing really well. i let everyone know that...everyone was so relieved and happy for us and hopeful.  

and then i found out last friday that he had been lying to me the whole time. extensive cover-ups of things he had done...all premeditated and calculated and hidden actions. looking me in the face and lying constantly for 7 full months.  

scary. sociopath-like. no remorse as he did it.  

yet, somehow i'm always the one who gets the blame.  

for instance, this thread here. these comments. some of which i just deleted as they came because i'm not going to listen to blame anymore.  

but somehow him lying to me for 7 months turned into me being at fault because if i'd 'done the right thing,' he wouldn't have to lie.  

um, ok. not talking to his family *was* the right thing...and was possibly only going to be temporary (that's no longer a possibility). and was for a *very* good reason. lots of good wise, healthy reasons, actually.  

and guess what? even if it just happened to have not been the right thing (which it was), *lying* is *wrong.*  

but, yeah...it's my fault. it's my fault he lied.  

you say that you know what it's like when people falsely accuse and make him out to be 'the good one'...i think every woman knows what that's like. i cannot tell you the number of women who have contacted me personally to say that they have been in the same boat, they are in the same boat, or their close family member has experienced that...and what a rough road it was. some have said that they too had been duped by a charmer...and greatly regretted blaming the victim in it all. not to mention just all the information online...horror stories of women who just simply were not believed...and it cost them so much. it cost them friendships, relationships with their children and other family members, status, etc.  

they're just supposed to stay quiet? they're just supposed to shrink into their little corner and not speak out about what has happened/is happening? 

this isn't only about me. i speak out because this is happening...to me, yes, but in the grander scheme of things, to women *all* over the world. and nobody does a thing about it.  

'just let God take care of it,' people say. well, God did take care of it. His plan of things was supposed to take care of it. when He gave us the Body of Christ, that was the main way all of these things were supposed to be taken care of. He *was* taking care of His people...or so He thought. it was established long ago that joel wasn't going to figure this out on his own. that's when the Body of Christ is supposed to step in. with the *right* theology. they didn't. when the Body of Christ does nothing (or does completely destructive things like follow bad theology or only believe the man), then Christ's people are damaged and destroyed.  

'church people' do way more damage than good. *real* people...real *God* people...*not* pharisees...those are the people you need on your side. they are few and far between...like almost extinct actually. ragamuffins are the best...they're just not common. 

so, it's not even just about me anymore. every time i post i have women from all walks of life and from all different places geographically who say to me, 'yes! i cannot tell you how much i relate to this. thank you so much for posting. why doesn't anyone do anything? why is he praised and called a saint when we are the victims here?'  

it's an indictment on the church...a major one. 'well, you don't even go to church, so you can't be helped at church.' the 'christians' who say things like that don't get it. no, it's not about *going to* church, it's about *being* the church. nobody has *been* the church in regards to mine and joel's marriage.  

and that's why i speak out. there's a much bigger picture here. of a corruption and an evil that is not like Christ at all. and i will speak of it until my dying day...or until it's fixed and no longer a problem in the world! wouldn't that be nice? 

The conversation and that thread ended with a dear sweet friend of mine, who has been through a very similar situation (there are so many of us, sweet dear women...it's time to speak out), leaving this simple comment:

Psalm 18:18

I looked it up immediately.

"They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support." 

"They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me." 

She knew.  This sweet friend knew, from personal experience, the exact verse that applied and that I needed to hear.

I was being attacked constantly, and in my time of distress no less (and had been, for years)...but the Lord knew...and he supported me.

The Lord is my constant.  Praise Him for that.  All of the people that I thought would be a constant in my life...that has not been the case.  But the Lord?  This verse speaks truth and of course is the only reason I've been able to make it through this.

Praise God we found a human (after much searching), a human that could/would actually speak up to Joel and put a stop to all of this that has been happening for 3 ½ years...and it is slowly but surely coming to a stop.

Thank God it is no longer July in my life.

If you are in a 'July season' though...because I know many of you who read this blog still are...

Take comfort in this verse...Psalm 18:18 is for you.

Take comfort in the fact that sometimes you have to make some waves in order to make some peace.

Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.  There are many, many of us.  And we stand with you.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 49 - Effects, Goodness, Brokenness/Repentance, and Intentions}

How are we doing?  How is it going now?

Good questions.  I wonder myself.  Because here's the deal...

It wouldn't be prudent to trust.  So, when things seem to be going O.K., what is really going on?

I thought things were going to be fine after last Labor Day.  "Trust me," I was told.  By January, I knew that it wasn't looking good (I didn't say this in that blog post, but much of the opposition was again from Joel at that point).  By April (link to Part 1...Part 2 and "The Rest of April" follow), I knew that it was bad again...and I didn't even know the half of it at that point.

But, May 1st, I again thought it was fine again...we had spent a whole week intensively going over things and had reached understanding.  There had been a new and different level of revelation.  Again, I had no clue what was really going on.  But, at that point, I thought we were on the road to recovery and was told, again, "Trust me."

I waited for the other shoe to drop at that point.  From the beginning of May until mid-June...I just waited to see what would happen.  For a month and a half, no other shoe dropped.  So, I began my life again.  I started down a road to recovery (I'll write more specifically about this soon...recovery of more than just our marriage is involved) that I had tried to start down over and over and over again...this time I had wisely waited to see if it was going to be a possibility.  After waiting that long, it looked to be possible, but...

Two weeks later the bomb dropped, that other shoe fell hard, and we were right back where we started...but even further back.  Amazing the devastation at that time...not just between Joel and me, but also with others who chose to weigh in or chose to 'silently support' (again, silent support = betrayal).  It was the end.

So...how are we doing?  It's wise to just watch and wait.  But, in terms of an update...

Now?

Well...things have been going 'well' since our week-long+ intensive counseling session in Dallas August 10th - 20th (link to first blog post about counseling...three more follow that one).  There have been some bumps in the road.  But, it seems things have really and truly turned around this time.

Having said that, given the past we've had and the untrustworthiness of a certain person, who really knows?  I promise you "Trust me" doesn't work at all anymore.  So...we (you and I) wait.  We see.  We look for the other shoe to drop.  We hope that it won't.  But, we just don't know if it will or not.  Because it's not up to me and you.

And as we go along...things continue to reveal themselves in even greater light.  Recently, I had to have a 'come-to-Jesus' talk with Joel.

The truth is that, although his belief system and actions caused all of this damage, he is very minimally affected by it in everyday life.  Sure, we're not living the life we dreamed of and thought God had called us to...not by any stretch of the imagination.  But, in his personal life and in his interactions with others...nothing has changed.  He is the same in health, in what he does from day to day, in the way others treat him, etc.  In his daily life...not a lot has changed.  There is no hard work of recovery required of Joel in this season.  We go places and interact with people...Joel appears to be the same, unaffected person that he always has been (because, he wrongly is unaffected).

Everything has changed for me.  Everything.  My health, the way I feel, the way I look, the interactions I have with people, my relationships, our (the kids' and my) day-to-day lives and homeschool...it's all very, very, very different.  Major, major damage was done (in all aspects)...and it's not something that I can just choose not to think about...because I have to choose to think about it in order to recover.  A recovery that is going to take a ton of hard work from me...and lots of time and energy.  Like I've said before, the extensive damage was done by someone else...the mess was made by someone else...but I'm the one who has to clean up the mess.

Because of that truth that it basically doesn't affect him in the day-to-day, and because of the fact that I'm not a grudge-holder so it doesn't affect him in the day-to-day in our relationship (as long as things are going well)...that 'come-to-Jesus' talk was necessary.

Because he just forgets.  He forgets the magnitude of it all.  He forgets what he has done...and what has happened.  He forgets the damage he's done and how that affects me and the kids and how we have to deal with that every single moment of every single day.  He's not faced with it from day-to-day.

And, as it came out in that little talk...

He still thinks he is 'good.'  He still thinks of himself as a 'good person.'  And, because nobody treats him any differently and others still treat him like he is still a 'good person,' he forgets (because remember...as a people-pleaser, the way others see him and treat him is his primary focus and motivator in how he thinks about himself and his life).

Because it doesn't affect him in day-to-day life and because he thinks of himself as still 'good' (and others of the world who he naturally, in his bent toward being a 'moving towards people' person, wants to please don't call him anything else or treat him like he is anything less than 'good' and still the same person that he always was), he doesn't walk in repentance and brokenness.  It's not the lens he sees through as he walks along.

It's interesting to see the different mindsets and beliefs at play here.  When you are working with a people-pleasing mindset, someone who has done that their whole lives, and it's never been questioned in his life...you start to see just how deep it goes.

Brokenness...

In order to truly be repentant about something you have done, you have to reach a point of brokenness.  You realize what you have done, you see what you have done for what it really is, you understand and grasp that it was terribly terribly wrong, and because of that you feel horrible about it and you feel great remorse, constantly...you walk in that until you have made it right.  And you never lose sight of the fact that you are, forevermore, capable of such a thing.  You are broken by what you have done.  You are broken about the fact that you could even do such a thing.  You are filled with regret and sadness over what you have done.

True sadness and regret...that is the lens you see through after you have been broken over something you did.  

Instead, sometimes what happens is that people know that they did wrong, or they have been told that they did wrong at least, and they try to remember that in their minds and try to get their actions to follow what they are trying to remember in their minds...but it doesn't really work.  It's head knowledge.  It's not 'real' to them.

If what you have done doesn't really affect you in daily life practically,  remembering what you have done is more challenging.  That's not an excuse...because someone who has caused so much damage should be affected in their daily lives no matter what others are saying about them or how they are being treated by others.  They should be able to see the damage they've done to others...and in others.  But, people-pleasers are more focused on what others think of them (not their wives...because their wives will always be there; but the others in their lives).

Why does Joel never talk about this himself?  Well, because he wants to still be treated as that 'good' person that everyone loves and respects and admires.  He doesn't want this to affect him in daily life.  He wants to keep it all 'private' and in the dark and hidden…not because it should be (because it shouldn’t), but to keep people’s perceptions of him a certain way.  This all being in the light is messing up his people-pleasing.  So, in his own personal life and in his interactions with people, he keeps this on the down-low.  Therefore, it doesn't affect him.  When he does, rarely, speak about it, he majorly downplays.

The fact that it doesn't affect him in his daily life is coupled with that deep belief he has that 'everyone is good.'  With people who have this belief, even if the brokenness ever was there, it is fleeting.  It is but for a moment.  Literally.  Because...everyone is good.  He is good.  Which leads into something else...

One of the other wrong beliefs that has come out from all of this has been a belief about intentions.  Ahhh, intentions.

"Oh, well it's the thought that counts."

That's an example of intentions...and it is often true that it is the thought that counts.  That works when you are giving an acquaintance a little gift of chocolate on Valentine's Day, yet they are allergic to chocolate.  See?  That's an example of "it's the thought that counts."

But, with a repeated harmful behavior...no...it is not the thought that counts.  Not at all.

One of the things we've pinpointed about Joel's belief system was his belief that if, in his heart of hearts he didn't intend to cause damage, he was 'off the hook.'  He felt free of any wrongdoing.  Because, after all, it wasn't his intention to cause harm.

A great example of this is the timeline of our lives and everything that has happened in the past few years that I typed up for our counselors.  Even though we walked through every single thing on that timeline and he agreed that all of what was listed were true facts, he always back-peddled and told the counselors that it wasn't accurate.  Why?  Because it didn't list his intentions.  Because his intentions meant more to him than what actually happened, he didn't feel it was accurate.

No matter what actually happened, his intentions ruled.  Therefore, if what happened was completely opposite of his intentions, it wasn't his fault...because his intentions were to not cause harm.

Of course, that doesn't really actually fly since I was telling him point blank that what he was doing was causing harm and yet he still did it...because he wasn't listening to and believing me.  But, even in the light of me telling him clearly that what he was doing was causing harm, his intentions were what ruled for him.  He was completely blind to me and the kids and what was actually going on and the damage he was causing.

And...because of his intentions, because that is what he has judged himself by...he is still, in his mind and heart, a 'good person.'

But, people of the world...that is a very false and very dangerous belief system.  No matter your intentions, if you caused major damage to someone for years, and you lied and betrayed and cheated and manipulated and destroyed for years on end...no, you are not a good person.

Let that sink in.

No, you are not a good person.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now...can you be again?  Yes.  But, you aren't now!!  And you haven't been for a very, very long time!!

And being a 'good person' again will require true brokenness and repentance...and walking in that constantly until the damage is healed.  And walking in that constantly, always, in regards to this period of life.  And, never turning back to that sort of thinking and behavior...because that is what true repentance is.

If you are actually broken and truly repentant...it will affect your life constantly.  You won't have to be reminded that you destroyed your marriage and family's life.  Ha, geez.  It will be the lens through which you look.  It just will.  It will pepper your conversations, it will enter your every thought, it will order your steps.  It will consume you...not in a bad way, but in a way that convicts, and gives you great desire to never return to that, and gives you focus in doing what it takes to repair the damage you've done, and gives you a desire to learn and help others to never have to go through something like this.

I'm quite sure that my husband isn't the only one who has had these wrong beliefs about goodness, intentions, brokenness, and repentance...about just 'moving ahead' with personal wrongdoing not even affecting your life.  Some of you might be able to relate.  For some of you, this might shed some light on what might possibly be going on in your lives...in yourselves or others you are linked to.

But, this just shows how deep and how numerous these issues are...the 'cancer' in our marriage is Stage 4 and malignant and very spread throughout.  We are constantly realizing just what we are dealing with.  We're in the process of 'exploratory surgery'...and as we continue to look around in our marriage, we continue to see the things, the different 'cancers' (issues, wrong beliefs), 'on the inside' that have caused all of this damage to our marriage and our lives (mine and the kids' especially...more specifics later).

I've discussed some of those things we've found so far here today.  Hopefully it will help some of you in your own lives.  Hopefully it will open eyes to deep issues that aren't necessarily usually talked about.

So...how are we doing?  We're in surgery.  We are being operated on.  We're still listed as 'critical.'  At any moment, 'the other shoe could drop.'  At any moment, we could flatline.

So, just continue the prayers.  Thank you.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 48 - Lending a Hand}

My eyes have been opened to many things throughout this whole process.  One of the huge surprises for me was that people don't know how to deal with conflict.

How is it that people don't know how to deal with conflict?  Even when it's not even their own conflict!!  LOL.  Even when they are outside looking in on the conflict.  They don't know how to act or what to do.

When I say that I've been completely overwhelmed by the lack of understanding surrounding this topic, that is a huge understatement.  I've found, to my great surprise, that most people don't know how to healthily interact with people in general.  At all.  But especially people who are in need of something...anything.  Even the people I thought would be really good at it and would come to my aid...nothing.

April was really bad, as you've read (link is Part 1 of 3).  That month, when things were so bad, I sent an email to someone who has been a father figure to me...an email begging him to help me.  I literally said, "I am begging you to help me."  I had never done that before.  With anyone.  It has to be bad before I send you a form of personal communication begging for help.  I don't beg.

I never heard back from him.

I never heard back from him.  Let that sink in.

We had been in contact before that.  Since I sent him that email, I haven't heard from him at all.

Something like that is just really, really soul-crushing.  Devastating.  How does this happen?  How does it happen that everyone in your life who is supposed to be there to help you (physically, practically) chooses not to show up?

I learned as a child that the people closest to me were people who swept things under the rug.  I never liked that practice, but I especially didn't like it when mistreatment started coming my way.  And instead of the people who saw it speaking up for me, they just let it happen.  Sometimes even laughing about it later, so they saw it...they just chose not to speak out.

That trend continues with that circle of people.  And in July, what was supposed to be finally a really happy 2 weeks of my life...that behavior quickly turned those 2 weeks into the most horrible of my life.  Rock. Freakin. Bottom...and not by my own doing.  All at the hands of others who don't know how to be good people in hard situations.  There was nothing I could do.  (not a pity party...just telling what happened)

So...here's what I am going to do today.  I am going to walk you through some examples of what good people, rare as they are, do in situations like this to help.

The people who are the closest to you...the people you call family and close friends...they should be the ones who step up to help you in need.  But, oftentimes they are not.  If you are considered family or a close friend, though...DO IT.  Step up!!  Do the right thing here.

If you are not considered family or a close friend, yet you see that those people in someone's life are not stepping up to help that person...you DO IT.  Step up!!  Do the right thing.  They need someone.

Here are just five key things that should be done in situations where someone is in need of help.  I'll also share what is so often done instead of the right thing.  Please do the right thing in these situations.  These are simple principles...yet so often the church/people who are supposed to care get it terribly wrong.  Let's really think about these things and really be aware...and do the right things:

1-

What you should do:  Care.  Just care.  And when you truly care, you want to know about that person.  You want to hear their story.  You want to know them.

What is done instead:  Because people don't want their perceptions of others to be swayed, they don't truly get to know people.  I had one lady, a family member I have always been very close to, tell me that she just didn't want to know.  She didn't want to know any bad stuff about us...she wanted to keep the 'good thoughts' about us that she had.  She didn't want to know.

Don't be that person.  Care enough to allow your perceptions of others to be shifted.  (Besides, if you have someone on a pedestal, that is just wrong anyway.  Seek honesty and authenticity...in yourself and others...otherwise you're just living in a made-up dream world.)  Care enough about someone else that you will allow yourself to give up your own desires to meet their needs.  That you will allow yourself to be 'uncomfortable' even, if that is what you feel when hearing their story, in order to meet someone's very real need.  Care!!

Also, just a little addendum here - If you are not going to care enough to go to that person and ask questions and know their story, then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.  Because if you don't care enough to know, guess what?  You don't even know what you are talking about.  It's crazy, and completely egotistical, to think that you do.  I recently got lambasted on Facebook, by a family member whose been in my life since birth actually.  At the end he said this, "Don't come to me saying I don't know the whole story. I don't want to know the whole story."  LOL.  Um, hello...if you don't know the whole story, there is no way for you to speak into it.  Again, complete hubris for anyone to think differently.  What happens when you don't know the story, or don't believe the people who are living the story, is just a bunch of hugely distorted truth, complete UNtruths, and slander.  At least care enough to not distort truth, outright lie, and slander someone by opening your mouth in ignorance!  Keep your wrong and ignorant thoughts, since you don't want to know the story (the truth), to yourself.


2-

What you should do:  Believe them.  It's their life you are talking about.  Believe them until it is proven that they are not telling the truth (which likely will not happen, as is the case with me).  At the very least, acknowledge that what they are saying *could* very well be the truth!  Follow through on what they are telling you.

What is done instead:  People don't believe.  Sadly, I'd say (and statistics show) that this most often happens with women.  That was definitely how it happened in my case.  Absolutely no reason not to believe me...but, when given the choice to believe the man (my husband) over the woman (me, his wife)...the man was chosen every time.


3-

What you should do:  Don't downplay.  Don't minimize the person's experience.  Don't go on with life and pretend like it's not even happening (you people who sweep things under the rug, I'm talking to you!!)!!  Believe the person in everything...including what is said to have happened as a result of the experience...the repercussions, the damage.  Are there people who exaggerate?  Yes.  But, most people who have been the victims of something are just telling the truth.  Yet their experience is constantly trivialized.  And that just makes things worse.

What is done instead:  People don't think that it could be that bad.  Or they think that you should just 'move on' or 'get over it' or 'not make such a big deal out of it.'  Believe me, almost nobody chooses to stay in hard spots.  Almost nobody chooses to not move on.  If someone is not moving on, it is most likely because they have not been helped.  They are all alone...and don't have any support...and are still being victimized.  Don't tell them to 'get over it.'  Don't tell them to 'stop making such a big deal out of it.'  Listen to them.  Put yourself in their shoes.  And never trivialize their pain.


4-

What you should do:  Don't think that you have to agree with them about everything in order to support them.  Recently someone did something specific to hurt me.  Nobody came.  The people closest to me...nobody came.  When I asked one of them later "why?" they said, "Well, I didn't agree with what you did in response and how you were handling it."

Let me just tell you all...that has nothing to do with it!!  This person knew that I had been hurt...very badly.  Just FYI, this person didn't agree with what the person who hurt me did either.  But, he was conflicted because he knew that I had been hurt, yet he didn't fully agree with my response.  He in some way felt that coming to me to support me in any way would be supporting my actions that he didn't agree with.

When you see someone who is hurting, you go to them.  Especially if it is someone you supposedly care about.  I don't agree with the things a prostitute does, but if I'm around one in need or one who has been hurt, I don't ignore them in fear of 'supporting their behavior.'  Even if their wrong choices are what caused them to be put in a situation to be hurt in the first place (and that wasn't even the case with my situation).

You help.  You help the people you love that are in need.  When something traumatic happens, you run to their side to hold them up.  When they hurt, you are there to ease their pain and help to bear their burdens.  Doesn't matter if you agree with every single thing they do or not.

What is done instead:  People are ignored.  People are left to fight their battles and try to stop the bleeding all alone.


5-

What you should do:  Put yourself out there.  This is related to caring, but so often people don't go after helping someone and being a caring person because they don't want to 'interfere.'  Let me tell you something...if someone is asking for help, that means that they are wanting someone who can help to 'interfere.'  If you don't think you are someone who can help, you can...because you can at least be with that person and support them and provide empathy for them...sit with them and acknowledge that they are not alone.  *Everyone* can help.

What is done instead:  People don't want to get involved.  They feel like they would be interfering or getting in people's business (although they usually aren't bothered by talking about people's business to others...they just usually don't want to be a part of the solution or help).  They don't want to be bothered.

Or...sometimes they truly do wish they could help, but they don't think they are capable.  This is rare, sadly...I think it is mostly that people don't want to help and don't want to be bothered with others' problems.  But, sometimes it does happen that people want to help but don't feel equipped.

Honestly, one way of looking at that is...that can be summed up as just more selfishness.  That is just more self-absorption.  Oh, I I I.  I don't know how to help.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a bother.  I have so many problems of my own, I can't possibly invest in someone else right now.  If you see someone in need, esp. if someone is asking for your help, if you are still thinking about and considering yourself after seeing and hearing that need, then you are being selfish.  Straight up.

Can I tell you that during the past 3 ½ years, I never didn't help someone else just because I was going through my own personal hell.  Was it hard sometimes?  Yes.  And sometimes I didn't help them much.  Sometimes all I could offer them was "Oh my gosh...I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can't offer you much right now, but I am here.  I see you.  I see what you are going through.  I am so so sorry.  And if you need me at all, please let me know.  If there is anything that I can do...bring you a meal, just come over and visit, be a sounding board, pray with you...whatever you need, please let me know."  And usually if I can't personally help them practically to get them out of their situation, I know someone who can and will network.  I say all of that not to toot a horn or anything, but to tell you that I get it.  When you're going through your own crap and aren't being helped, the last thing you want to do sometimes is put yourself out there.  But, you who are going through your own crap are the ones who should know best...we need each other!  So, the bottom line is that that is no excuse either.

Sorry...you are without excuse!!  Across the board.  Especially you who call yourselves 'little Christs'...you are without excuse!  Be aware of people around you, look and listen for their needs, and do all you can to meet them.  It might not be your own personal conflict or problem...but it becomes yours when it belongs to someone around you.

It all just kind of reminds me of a story.  You may have heard it.  A little something called "The Good Samaritan."  Familiar?  :)

I love this commentary that I read:

The parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) is well-known.  Jesus told the story to show up the stupidity and hypocrisy of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

The parable illustrates how gaunt was compassion in the religious system of the time.  The Bible said plainly, "Love thy neighbor."  The hypocrites curled the lip at that, and sought to muddy the matter with a clever question, "And who is my neighbor?"  Jesus answers with a simple story that makes the clever question look dumb indeed.

Ha.  Tryna get one over on Jesus.  Ain't ever gonna happen.  Lol.

Just the text there doesn't give any real indication of the culture.  But, the lawyer (expert in religious law) asking the questions would have known off the bat the contextual significance of the specific story Jesus tells and the characters He uses.

I love this commentary:

A good Samaritan, in the mind of the Jews, was a contradiction in terms. "The Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans" (John 4:9). Samaritans are scum. There's no such thing as a good Samaritan.

This was a centuries-old prejudice. Its roots went as far back as the split of the nation of Israel into two kingdoms, whose capitals and religious centers were Jerusalem versus Samaria. Yet of the three who could have shown mercy, two Jews and one Samaritan, it was the latter who did so. That was pretty pointed.

It is almost as though Jesus were saying, "Put that in your phylacteries you hypocrites!"

Hahaha.  I love Jesus!

To sum it up:

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Damned are the unmerciful no matter how religious they may be. God looks on the heart, and he does not much care whether the exterior is Samaritan or Levite or any other outward distinction. God discriminates only on the basis of whether the inner person is humble and just, merciful and kind. 

Let's be like the Good Samaritan.  OK?

And now my favorite rendition of the Good Samaritan (starts at 2:15)...

~Love your neighbor.  Loving means lending a hand.~

Joel. Michawn. {Part 47 - We Mourn, We Rest}

Thanks to our counselor and his counseling done right, we've entered a new phase.

For the first time in 3 ½ years, I no longer have to fight for myself.  I no longer have to defend myself constantly, every single minute of every single day.  I am no longer on trial.  I have been found not guilty and can finally confidently claim what I have been insisting on all along...my innocence.  The scales that were blinding Joel have started being removed and others who have been against me are now out of our lives.

But...after 3 ½ years of that, I. am. exhausted.

We came home and I was still on a high from being with our counselor and being listened to and respected and him sticking up for me (I think I told you that I asked if I could just stay and live with him and his family, at least for a little while...what a safe place for me when I haven't had a safe place in years).  But, as happens every time you come back to reality after a big exciting experience...there is a coming back down time.

So, that's what happened.  The first week was great.  And then at the end of the first week, reality struck.  It struck through something that happened that just spelled it out really clearly and in our faces that there are some major consequences for all that has happened over the course of the past 3 ½ years.  Major, major consequences.  Consequences that we didn't even really foresee.

Our lives have been forever altered.  And we have lost most everything we had.

So now I mourn.

I mourn the family life we once had.

I mourn the friendship and the lightness and the ease Joel and I shared for the first decade of our marriage.

I mourn the relationship I once had with my husband...the person I could trust with my life and all of me.

I mourn that trust.  It is gone.

I mourn the person he once was...the person he no longer is.

I mourn the example he was for my children...because his example for the past few years has damaged our children.  Evidence of that has sprung forth in very real ways...children mimic what is put before them.

I mourn time lost with my children during all of these years of literally fighting for my life.  Being in a constant battle is time-consuming...and life-consuming.

I mourn so many activities and events that we missed out on because of all of this.

I mourn our lives as missionaries in Brazil and our home in Brazil.

I mourn our friends there and the things we felt called to do there.

I mourn the loss of those babies at the orphanage and getting to spend time with them twice a week.

I mourn adoption in our own lives and adding on to our family.

I mourn our routine, our schedule, our everyday mundane life.  I mourn the security of that mundaneness (when we weren't traveling and moving that is).

I mourn a trust I had in everyone...not just Joel.  A trust that is no longer there since most of the people in my life have completely let me down the past few years...abandonment, slander, not believing me, not wanting to know about my life or get involved, etc.

I mourn many, many friendships...the loss of people who I thought were my friends anyway.

I mourn the loss of what I thought God's people, The Church, was.  It is not what I thought it was.  And it most certainly is not what God had in mind.

Our lives will never, ever be the same.  So...we mourn that.

Joel mourns too.  Since much of his blindness has been removed, and more and more is being removed as time marches on, he is coming to grips with the fact that it was his blindness that was the cause of all of this destruction.  That's a devastating thing to see for the first time after all these years. But, it's a necessary thing to see.  Praying it causes everlasting change...everlasting change.  I pray that understanding keeps happening.

There are family members and friends who will never be a part of our lives again.  Ever.  And that's a good thing.  But, it's still a loss and a shift to a 'new normal,' as they say, for us.

For the few of these family members and friends who contributed to this destruction who do make it back into our lives, it will never be the same...because it shouldn't.  That would be unhealthy.  Again...it's a loss.  A loss that needs to happen, but nonetheless a loss.

Please do not think of this as a 'hopeless' post.  This is not a hopeless post.  This is a reality post.

You don't say to the mother who just lost a child..."Oh, God can restore that child to you here on earth.  Don't be so hopeless.  That child can come back...and it can be even better."  No...you sit with that mother and you mourn with that mother and you share in her sorrows.

Maybe another child will be born...and there will be joy again.  And the family will be stronger together because of what they went through...sure.  But, they still lost a child.  A child who is irreplaceable.  A child who will always be mourned and missed.  They had great hopes for that child...hopes that will never be realized.

People are too afraid of hopelessness sometimes.  So they cross over into 'false hope' territory...because that makes them more comfortable.  They say things that are not true...because it makes them feel better.

"He will gain your trust back."  Hmmm...we don't know that, do we?  "God will restore your marriage."  Well...it's not all up to God, is it?  See?  False hope is just stupid.  Let's just be real.

No hopelessness allowed here.  But also...no false hope talk allowed here either.  Because what is said in false hope is damaging...possibly even more damaging than hopelessness in the long run.  And nobody really believes the stuff spewed in false hope anyway...so, it's just annoying.  Neither is allowed here.

So...we mourn what once was.  We grieve.  We even wallow in it for a little while if we want to...because the process of our lives being destroyed was a process that took years.  I fought against it every step of the way and I am beyond exhausted.  It took years to get to this place of destruction...'getting over it' will take even more years and exhausting work.  Therefore, we will not be rushed.

As we grieve, being careful not to rush out of that too soon, we eventually also start to rebuild.  Slowly.  We rebuild our marriage, we rebuild our family, we rebuild our lives.  We start from scratch really...because so many things have changed through this...even core beliefs.  And Joel has to basically develop many of his own core beliefs for the first time...He's always just people-pleased.  What are his beliefs?  What are the beliefs that he is willing to die for?  What beliefs is he no longer willing to sacrifice for anyone in order to please them?  This is new territory for him in many ways.

Will we even still each believe the same things when it is all said and done?

And that is what our lives will look like for the next few months and years.  Unless something happens that makes it all blow up again, like this.  Our marriage will be over if something blows up again.  And we will move on from there in very different ways.

But, barring more blow-ups, we will continue down this path, working this all out together.

We settle into our mourning now.  And then we will prepare to try to rebuild.

Thank you for your prayers during this time.

I'm basically all caught up here on the blog now.  I will still blog as something comes up that I feel I need to write about.  There are many topics still that I want to write about...things we've learned through all of this.  

We will be meeting with our counselor every 3 weeks starting at the end of October.  So maybe I will also update after those visits too.

Otherwise, we focus inward...mourning, resting (LOTS of rest needed), reconnecting as a family.

Thank you for your continued prayers and messages of encouragement.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 46 - Trust and Eventual Rising}

I'm not much of a meme-er.  But, I was looking for something specific the other day and ran across a wall of some really great ones.  

Goodness...these are just so where I am right now after all that has happened.  

FYI:  I'm not looking for your encouragement or false hope statements here.  Because...there is one thing and one thing only that we can depend on in this life and that is...we never know what is going to happen.  I've already written the next blog post...it speaks to where I stand on that.  I will post this one first...just know that I don't want your "oh, it's not that bad" or "it sounds like you are wallowing in self-pity" comments.  I don't even want your "it will get better" or "you're being too pessimistic" comments.  

This is just reality right now.  Don't be so scared of reality, folks.  Just sit there in it for a while...admit the reality, accept it...and then maybe eventually you can move forward.  Faith doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge reality.  Faith doesn't only sound like name it and claim it statements or "It'll all be alright."  

Faith involves knowing just where you are, trusting God in that, and leaning on Him no matter what happens...because so often in our lives, it is not up to us what happens.  But He's there...always.

Read each of these.  Before you read my caption, let the image and words of the meme really sink in.  I know that so many of you, also, can relate.  Don't be afraid to acknowledge it...and then sit in it for a while.  Nothing does more damage in the long run than pretending to be OK when you're not.  Be honest.  And don't let others make you feel like you are 'less than' or wrong when you don't 'get over it' within their time table.  You will be able to move on.  And you can still be an optimistic person, even when you are walking through this. But...you have to be honest too...first and foremost.

So...this is where I am.

When our counselor was going through and praying for our souls, he saw a huge bulldozer in the back of my soul...he said it represented major assault, betrayal, harassment, and being stabbed in the back.  Oh boy, has that ever happened the past few years!  Not only does this whole blog series speak to that and the betrayal in my marriage, there were a couple of posts that had those very words in the titles.  I think about these two posts when thinking of these specific words, here and here,  and when I think of this image.  And, this meme really captured how I feel after the past few years.  That picture...so spot on.  The words are just reality.  I don't feel like I have 'trust issues' in general, with everyone.  But I do just now feel like my eyes have been opened wide to exactly how people are...exactly what people are capable of...and exactly how untrustworthy they are and how they can turn on you on a dime.  I had never experienced that to this extent before...guess I'm lucky.  But, I've definitely experienced it and been made aware of this reality now.  That reality is very sad and disappointing.

I had never been hurt before.  Heartbroken, yes...but as a result of a very honest person who truly loved me and always showed it.  Not as a result of foul play or betrayal.  Disappointed by people, yes...but never to this extent.  So many people have shown their true colors and beliefs throughout this ordeal the past few years...it is shocking and eye-opening and heart-breaking that what you thought was really is not at all.  The good things you believed about certain people, the church, certain beliefs and people of faith, etc....it's not what you thought at all.  Joel and I, for the first 10 years, had an incredibly open, never-any-secrets, major teamwork marriage.  I never even imagined him to be capable of something like this.  People often say that about their betraying spouse...and others looking on are like, 'Yeah...we could see he was capable.'  But, nobody thought Joel would be capable of something like this.  Which is partly why I wasn't believed.  It's life-altering to now be put in a situation where everything about him and our relationship is doubted.  And no...not because I'm not forgiving or hold grudges...not because I don't know how to move on; but because his actions, present actions still, even again last night, prove that trust is far, far away...for now, everything is doubted.  Which brings us to this truth...

This is the meme I was actually looking for when I stumbled upon all these others.  This is soooo very true!!  People...do whatever it takes with your loved ones to not ever, ever, ever damage the trust they have in you.  I can honestly tell you that I can count on one hand the people I truly fully trust in my life now.  What do they call them now?  Your 'Ride or Die' people?  Yeah...those are rare.  I didn't used to think they were rare...I thought I could trust basically all the people in my life.  And now I know.  That just isn't true.  I trust very few people now like I did before.  Why?  Because they weren't here for me, even when I asked them to be.  And many were even against me.

Do not destroy people's trust in you.  Unless you are fine with destroying your relationship with that person as well.  Because that is what destroying trust does.

It will go nowhere.  Nowhere.  That is why, until trust is re-gained here within my marriage, there is no moving forward.  It's not possible.  That's why, as the counselor said, whatever it takes has to be done to win my trust back.

The next two just give a clear image of what it looks like to destroy trust.

You might forgive, you might be reconciled, you might gain back total trust.  And God can fully restore.  But, while we are here on this earth, the same temptations and same wrong belief systems that contributed to the broken trust in the first place remain.  Once trust is broken, esp. over and over...instead of a clean, crisp piece of paper, you have a crumpled one.  It's like when you're in a bad car accident, your body might be healed as much as possible on this earth and you may be able to get back to almost complete function...but there will be scars.  There will be damage.  Your body, in certain parts, will be more prone to injury in the future.  That's just reality.

Trust might be broken after even just a one-time offense...it might be completely shattered after just that one time, depending on what happened.  But, the longer trust-breaking behavior goes on and the more it happens (the number of times)...the more trust is eroded.  It literally is like the land that is eroded by the running river...or the coast gradually eroded by the crashing waves.  So, after 3 ½ years (and counting) of these behaviors, these 'mistakes' (read: CHOICES), my trust eraser is just a tiny nub and not even functional.  That's what destroying trust does.

Truth.  We put so much importance in the 'I love you' phrase.  There are other phrases and feelings and expressions of those feelings that actually mean even more...like this says.  There are so many times that someone will say to you 'I love you' and yet be treating you like crap.  Um, lol.  That's not love.

"But...I love you.  I want to do what's right.  I want to gain your trust back.  I want us to be ONE again.  I want to be a team with you."  All just words.  Your true feelings and beliefs and desires ("I want"s) are proven by actions.  Bottom line.

Growth is painful.  And change (I've lived through lots) is painful.  But, being stuck where you know you shouldn't be...there is just no other pain like that.  It's oppression.  And it's terribly painful.  You miss out on so much...because you're stuck.  I'll get into that in more detail with the next blog post.  But, this is so very true.  Your life is on hold...and there's nothing, barring escape, that you can do about it.

There will always be scars.  Scars from all the many behaviors and actions against me that broke trust.  I will be 'seared with' them...many.  I already have many...and I still have many wounds (and still receive many wounds often) that will one day turn into scars too.  But ultimately, this is what will happen...and in many ways already has.  I am a strong soul.  And massive in character and spirit.  Yes I am.

Many of you know how much I love Maya Angelou.  There is a lady who has been following this blog series from South Africa.  We have a mutual virtual friend and she just clicked on my blog randomly one day.  She has been through her own set of trials and has been a great encouragement.  But, I don't know her personally at all.  So, she had no idea of my love for Maya and this particular poem (since high school) when she posted it in a comment to this blog post, written weeks before we went to the counselor.  I was shocked to see it...and see how God used this lady I don't know personally to give me something familiar and already special to me to encourage me and just let me know and remind me in that moment He's here and He sees.  That reminder was so very needed at that time.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching some videos of Maya.  I just love her recitation of this great poem she wrote.

Just like that last image above is true of what is, and what is to come...this is also true.  Bit by bit.  I mentioned in a recent post that tenacity is not on my list of personal weaknesses.  All of the above is reality.  There's no denying it.  Trust is broken.  And it is presently a very challenging time because of that...and will be for quite some time.  I'm not rushing through that.  And it's not up to me to do the right things to regain trust here...it is up to others.  No matter the choices they make though...

...Ultimately, still I rise.

Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don’t you take it awful hard

‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I’ve got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

  I rise.