Joel. Michawn. {Part 7 - Exhaustion}

If you are new to this blog series and want to catch up, here are the links to see the first few posts: 

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

We'll continue the discussion from last time later...although there wasn't much of a 'discussion'...apparently people either don't have an opinion about that subject, or they wouldn't touch it with a 10 ft. pole.  Very interesting.  I posted that and...*crickets.*

But, today's blog post...

While I'm glad that Joel and I are back together...and while I'm grateful for all that we've learned, and are learning, through all of this...I would give up all of this "learnin'" in a heartbeat.  We're praying that it behooves us in the end...things like this usually do...and in mighty ways no less.  But, for now...it's been a tough, hard road.  Esp. for me.  Not to make light of any heartache that Joel has experienced, but when you are already down on the ground in the dirt, shaken, needing rest and relief and support (as I was when we arrived back in the United States), and then what comes next is not being helped but being hurt over and over, for literally years after that...it's pretty life-changing. 

Even since September 1st when we came back together, y'all...it's been just excruciating.  Of course there is the marriage to work out.  But, there has been MUCH opposition since Sept. 1st.  From family members.  From pastors.  From people who, because of our line of work, and because they have supported us in one way or another, think that they have an open door to speak whatever it is that they feel they need to speak to us...what they think we're doing wrong, how we're 'sinning,' etc.  That means that, since Sept., we've been unable to focus on us...because we've needed to stave off the accusers in all of our spare time. 

You've read Job, right?  Job was a righteous man.  Job was tested.  Job was down on the ground, in the dirt...literally.  He was shaken.  He was needing rest.  And relief.  And support.  And instead of help, for a very long time, his 'friends' came to him.  But, they came to question him, to accuse him, to say to him, "O.K., you must have sinned.  What did you do wrong?  What are you still doing wrong?" 

We have been on the receiving end of that since Sept.  I have been on the receiving end of that since 2012. 

I can tell you that I am just exhausted.  I can tell you that I'm just sooooo tired.  I literally feel like I've just been beaten to a pulp and left for dead.  I can tell you that, to experience stressors like that for so long...it can be very, very, very damaging...in every possible way, but including physically.  And it's true...my body is literally shutting down.

You do learn a lot when you go through a long crisis period though.  You learn what people are really like.  You learn who your true there-for-you friends are...you really do.  Not just the Facebook commenters, but the ones who really reach out to you and really love on you and really show care.  Which ones are still with you...and which ones are more the 'out of sight, out of mind' friends.  You learn, when you are constantly being accused in private, how very alone you can feel.  Completely and utterly and desolately alone. 

And you learn, when you can't depend on anyone else in the world, how much you can trust in and lean on God.

You learn how much you can fall in love with Him over and over again...and He can be trusted to never accuse you or blame you when you're down...to always love (the verb) you and to show it very sweetly and tenderly and kindly...to never abandon you or be an 'out of sight, out of mind' friend.  To always reach out to you, from the very first word you cry out, when you are on the ground.  He will always just meet you and take care of you...no matter what. 

To say that I've been feeling the accumulative effects of these past few years acutely recently is an understatement.  This past week we sent out two emails...and we pray that that is the last we will hear from any "Job's friends" in our lives.  We pray that we're able to move on without any other accusers coming our way.  And that we can finally start to focus on us and start to heal and move forward and get healthy and better. 

I heard a song recently.  It is mine and Jesus' new love song.  It's short and simple and I can't get enough of it.  It's perfect.

I wait in the rain but I don’t complain 'cause I wait for you

And I don’t feel pain, you’re like Novocaine, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

Time and again I thought that the end was just around the bend
But you showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and you got me

It was always you
It was always you

It was always you
It was always you