I'm not much of a meme-er. But, I was looking for something specific the other day and ran across a wall of some really great ones.
Goodness...these are just so where I am right now after all that has happened.
FYI: I'm not looking for your encouragement or false hope statements here. Because...there is one thing and one thing only that we can depend on in this life and that is...we never know what is going to happen. I've already written the next blog post...it speaks to where I stand on that. I will post this one first...just know that I don't want your "oh, it's not that bad" or "it sounds like you are wallowing in self-pity" comments. I don't even want your "it will get better" or "you're being too pessimistic" comments.
This is just reality right now. Don't be so scared of reality, folks. Just sit there in it for a while...admit the reality, accept it...and then maybe eventually you can move forward. Faith doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge reality. Faith doesn't only sound like name it and claim it statements or "It'll all be alright."
Faith involves knowing just where you are, trusting God in that, and leaning on Him no matter what happens...because so often in our lives, it is not up to us what happens. But He's there...always.
Read each of these. Before you read my caption, let the image and words of the meme really sink in. I know that so many of you, also, can relate. Don't be afraid to acknowledge it...and then sit in it for a while. Nothing does more damage in the long run than pretending to be OK when you're not. Be honest. And don't let others make you feel like you are 'less than' or wrong when you don't 'get over it' within their time table. You will be able to move on. And you can still be an optimistic person, even when you are walking through this. But...you have to be honest too...first and foremost.
So...this is where I am.
|When our counselor was going through and praying for our souls, he saw a huge bulldozer in the back of my soul...he said it represented major assault, betrayal, harassment, and being stabbed in the back. Oh boy, has that ever happened the past few years! Not only does this whole blog series speak to that and the betrayal in my marriage, there were a couple of posts that had those very words in the titles. I think about these two posts when thinking of these specific words, here and here, and when I think of this image. And, this meme really captured how I feel after the past few years. That picture...so spot on. The words are just reality. I don't feel like I have 'trust issues' in general, with everyone. But I do just now feel like my eyes have been opened wide to exactly how people are...exactly what people are capable of...and exactly how untrustworthy they are and how they can turn on you on a dime. I had never experienced that to this extent before...guess I'm lucky. But, I've definitely experienced it and been made aware of this reality now. That reality is very sad and disappointing.|
|"But...I love you. I want to do what's right. I want to gain your trust back. I want us to be ONE again. I want to be a team with you." All just words. Your true feelings and beliefs and desires ("I want"s) are proven by actions. Bottom line.|
blog post, written weeks before we went to the counselor. I was shocked to see it...and see how God used this lady I don't know personally to give me something familiar and already special to me to encourage me and just let me know and remind me in that moment He's here and He sees. That reminder was so very needed at that time.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching some videos of Maya. I just love her recitation of this great poem she wrote.
Just like that last image above is true of what is, and what is to come...this is also true. Bit by bit. I mentioned in a recent post that tenacity is not on my list of personal weaknesses. All of the above is reality. There's no denying it. Trust is broken. And it is presently a very challenging time because of that...and will be for quite some time. I'm not rushing through that. And it's not up to me to do the right things to regain trust here...it is up to others. No matter the choices they make though...
...Ultimately, still I rise.
Still I Rise
Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.