Other Voices...Will You Listen? Will You Care?

Nobody has ever really heard from my girls personally.  And of course none of the people who blindly support Joel have asked them their thoughts or feelings, or sought anything out from them at all.  The girls OFTEN say, "What about us?  What do these people think about us...about how we feel and think?  Do they just not care?"  

They saw the post their father made about them.  And, they've left things alone and not commented or talked on other things.  But, this was different.  It was about them specifically.  They wanted to comment and put their voices out there...so they did.

He responded by silencing those voices.  He responded by deleting their words and saying in his best politician font that he wanted to resolve this in a healthy manner with our counselor...which we have already tried to do many times with him over the years.  He knows what will be said...he never listens or cares enough to do what is needed.  But, he wanted to save face there on his post. There's been no more communication since.  

As someone said, "So sad that he is more worried about how people perceive him than the feelings of his daughters."  

What did he post next?  A joke.  A funny meme. 

This is who he is. This is apparently what his followers (who include people who used to be MY friends and family) like...and they don't seem to see a thing wrong with it. He comments after his daughters bare their souls on his post with a blanket "We'll handle this with our counselor in a healthy manner"...and then he posts a joke, like nothing in the world is wrong in his life. The people who are in his life (the ones who abandoned me and my kids) apparently see nothing wrong with that. They prefer it.

How is this so?  

Do you even care?  Maybe you hate me, but how can you abandon and dismiss the kids?  

Christmas 2021

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  Not Christmas with joy anyway. Not the normal Christmas feelings...light and exciting and filled with joy. There are fleeting moments of that...and that's gotten us through.  I scheduled very cool Christmas-y things all throughout the month in preparation for these feelings for us this year.  And I did that even before 'the announcement' (and the way it was done) happened at the beginning of the month.  I did that before the fallout that's happened since then all around us.  

So there have been glimpses of joy.  But even in those activities, there is still a profound sadness about the reality we live in.  PROFOUND sadness.  An ache that just doesn't leave.  

A few of you have sent gifts to us this season, knowing that this was the case.  You know who you are.  I'm so emotional, tears flowing, just thinking of your kindness.  Thank you!  ❤️  Truly...thank you for spending extra time you didn't have to send us a package of Christmas joy this year.  Kindness gets us through.

We're in a season of grieving, just plain and simple.  We don't have any decorations up...not even our beloved Santa painting made it up this year.  Because this is our 20th move, and because we went from a huge house with a couple of storage sheds to a tiny apartment, we did our best, but we're still purging and working our way through boxes here...no room for a tree or any semblance of normal yet.  

You've seen from my posts the past couple of days (on FB) glimpses of the kinds of things we're up against, constantly, in real time.  All we can do right now is fall on our knees...in grief, in stillness, in waiting, in, well, not necessarily hope, but a feeling that SURELY THE HELL HAS TO END SOON, SURELY IT WILL GET BETTER.  How can it not?!  

'Deconstruction' has gotten a lot of attention these days.  The word, what people think it means, etc.  

We watch a lot of Survivor.  What do they have to build first thing at the beginning of each season?  A shelter.  Sometimes a storm comes and their shelter gets damaged.  Sometimes, even, they are only left with the foundation.  They have to figure out what went wrong, what parts were useful and good, and what to keep to use to build again.  

That is deconstruction, folks.  That's all it is.  People make it hard.  It's so very simple.  That's it!  What is hard to understand about that?  

Some people who deconstruct find that they don't even believe in the foundation anymore.  They don't want anything to do with that shelter or the rebuilding of it...they just don't think it's for them.  Most still stand on that foundation.  And that foundation, turns out, is truly what matters.  

It really is why we celebrate Christmas after all.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, the original Christmas didn't 'feel' like Christmas either.  

18 years ago, I was extremely big and pregnant.  My baby had been due on the 21st.  Christmas rolled around and I was still big and pregnant.  I never related to Mary more.  As we heard the Christmas story that year in church, in gatherings...I felt every bit of heaviness she must have felt.  I empathized with her then, and do now even more, having to travel far from all she'd ever known, and being scared and alone.  She knew that what she was doing was right, was part of a bigger plan...what she was doing would break cycles and bring Life.  

I fall on my knees this Christmas hoping and believing for the same things.  As I feel this profound sadness, and as me and my girls are alone...I believe in the breaking of cycles, and Life.  I believe that Life will come for us, and for all who come after us.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, then again...maybe this is the closest to the original Christmas that we've ever been.   

A Day in the Life

I post a lot more on my Facebook.  I say a lot more there...and therefore people there know more context.  But, this is just a little taste of what it's like. 

The people who have access to my FB can learn a lot.  Actually just today someone who has always supported me, after all of these years of listening to the things I say (some of them over and over, in different ways), said to me, "A ficha caiu!"  That means...something finally made sense today, something she's been wondering about for years.  It clicked.  

And that is always my hope.  It's still even my hope for Joel...that something will click, in his heart, in his mind.  For his family...that something will click, in their hearts, in their minds.  For others who have believed him instead of me (even though there's never been any reason to do that).  Some have come around.  And for that, I am grateful.  

If anyone can read even just this interaction below, or the years' worth of evidence just like this, and somehow think that I'm the problem in this equation...it just doesn't make any sense.  

Truth is important.  Safety for my girls is important.  I will never relent.  But, I'm also pretty darn reasonable, calm, and understanding...as usual.  Again...how am I the problem in this equation?  

Truth is important.

Tell Your Stories

Tell. the. truth. Tell the truth about you, what's happened to you, tell your story. Say it, write it, scream it...whatever you need to do. But...

DON'T let the 'hunters' monopolize the story.

Joel spread lies about me for almost a full 3 years before I started saying, "Wait...hang on...what he's saying isn't true!" I didn't know he was doing all that completely behind my back...at all. But...

Be careful. Don't let that happen. Tell your stories!!

A Bit of Truth

It's been a week of processing. There are so many things that are so confusing about people. But, here's what I know with 100% certainty.

-I was the perfect partner for Joel.

-I was the love of his life (I've said this for years; so has he).

-He was taught to be unfeeling, heartless, without empathy, like a robot.

-He was taught that he was entitled...that a woman should only just follow him and if she challenged him, she was trying to usurp authority.

-He was taught to believe these things, be loyal to these things that he's been taught by his family of origin, and be loyal to that family of origin above all else.

-He has learning disabilities (this is a real thing...he was diagnosed as a child); I see this as more and more an issue in his life (which he denies and tries to hide, which makes it even more of a problem).

-He wasn't willing to go against his family of origin to get the help he needed and make the changes that needed to be made to save his relationships with his wife and children.

-He will always be looking for me in other women.

-What he told the kids just a few months ago, that nobody will ever measure up to me, is true.

-I feel bad for him. I feel bad for these women who will never be able to be his perfect partner the way I was.

-I feel bad for us...me and his children, left in the ruins. We were the best things for him, his biggest fans...and he threw us away.