Joel. Michawn. {Part 64 - September on Facebook, 1}

First of all, if you are new here, what I've been writing about here for over the past year is the story of our marriage, how it was destroyed, what destroyed it, and how we are trying to make it work.  If you want to start at the beginning, you can go here.

Now, on to this post...

I post on Facebook all the time.  Really important posts.

I like to, every now and then, catch up this blog with some of the things I've posted on Facebook.  Why?  1) Because this blog has always been (and still is) a way to document our family's journey (Joel, me, the kids) on this earth, 2) there are some people who follow my blog who aren't friends with me on Facebook, and 3) even if you are friends with me on Facebook, you a) may have missed these posts, and if not, b) these things are so important and always good for review.

The next few posts will be catch-up from Facebook posts.  I'm going all the way back to September to begin.  Yes, it's been that long since I've played catch-up.  So...here we go...

Sept. 6th:

and *this* is what true repentance sounds like (when speaking about forgiveness from others for wrongdoing):

"i don’t expect forgiveness. i know that if it comes or not, that’s none of my business. all i know is that the only thing that matters is what i do to earn it."

how is it that tv show writers know more about forgiveness and repentance than seasoned Jesus-followers?

this is what those 'seasoned Jesus-followers' say: "well, i said i was sorry. that should be enough. you are supposed to forgive me now and move on."

MAJOR difference there. the first is the real deal...the second is from a religious heart and spirit. yet, that is the norm.

‪#‎departfromMeforIneverknewyou

Someone commented something about forgiving and forgetting.   This was my reply:

for sure. even regardless of forgetting (forgetting offenses, esp. really big or continuous offenses, is not really that common for humans; sometimes it happens, but not because you *consciously choose* to forget...consciously thinking about something at all prevents forgetting about it, ha), forgiveness is a process. and throughout that process, the attitude of the offender should *at all times* be true repentance. if the offender truly knows and sees what damage they've done, that *will* be their attitude automatically (again, even without conscious choice, but just because they are 'laid low' at what they've done). they will embody "i don't expect forgiveness. i know that if it comes or not, that's none of my business. all i know is that the only thing that matters is what i do to earn it."

Sept. 9th - I posted something about patriarchy and husbands leading wives.  Someone commented that they crave to be led...not in a bossy way, but basically they crave to be known and for someone to know them so well, they do take the lead sometimes.  This was my reply:

interesting thoughts. and i totally agree with you. just to add...my thoughts go something like this... 

look at your list starting at the 'i crave to be known' part. the things on your list that you mention here...i know it's not an exhaustive list, but just a little splice given for an example. but...i personally think that men want just the same things on this list. and...that usually *does* happen, that the wife also does these things for the husband. which, when done right, just automatically looks more like a partnership marriage instead of any sort of hierarchy. and that involves, rightly so, a husband taking the lead sometimes and a wife taking the lead sometimes...depending on giftedness in certain areas or just certain needs at the time. 

i don't personally crave to be led in all areas (because sometimes *i'm* the expert) and at all times (because sometimes i am feeling energetic and 'called' to lead in that area). but the areas i don't want to lead in, or don't have a gift for, i want him to take the lead. the husbands wish for the same things. and that is healthy. i mean, typically speaking, you don't crave for your husband to take over and lead in the management and decision-making pertaining to, for example, cloth-diapering vs. disposable, do you? (except for maybe the days when you are super newborn-induced tired).  :) most of the time i'm sure he defers to you in such matters...and you aren't 'craving' his leadership there. in fact, quite the opposite...*he* probably craves *your* leadership there. you know? 

so...we *all* want the things you listed. to make men into these 'leaders' across the board...it is unhealthy and, to be frank, quite dangerous...as i *do* know fully well, you are right (and...it's unfair to them). 

even people who don't go so far as to view marriage as an employer/employee type relationship, it is still a dangerous precedent. setting men alone up as the leader, even when they defer to you for some things, still gives them the power to 'take over' at will. it gives *them* control as to what they defer to you about, if anything. joel never wanted to or (delusionally) felt like he 'needed' to take over until a decade into our marriage. but...with him established as 'the leader,' that was always a tool in his tool belt that he could take out at will. 

my point is that we all want to be led...in certain areas, about certain things. we all get tired, we all need a leader at certain points. that's why we need to go back to the Garden...*before* the fall. partners. helping each other. **co-leaders.** the way it was *truly* meant to be. that's my belief anyway.

September 15th:

this is TRUTH. this is HEALTH. and i will spread it, post it, preach it until the day that i die. we don't teach this in our churches and in Christianity, but it *needs* to be taught. instead, forgiveness along with reconciliation are, above all else, drilled into us and held up as really the *only* option. but, that is not the only option. it *can't* be the only option presented to us. because sometimes the only healthy option possible is to DISCONNECT. we have to do better at this...teaching people that this is an option, and teaching them how to do it. 

thanks, Christine Caine, for saying/posting this. 

I added a clarification in the comments:

notice...i didn't say to not forgive (or as i usually say, 'let go of the wrong done to you'). i said forgiveness *along with reconciliation* is all that is taught. but sometimes the reconciliation part is not possible. it's rare to find people who teach *and actually practice and give permission to others* to just forgive and move on. most religious leaders/Christians insist that you are not being a forgiving person if you don't reconcile. which sometimes drives people to put themselves in a position where the things in this image occur.

Even Jesus says that if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, then you leave and shake the dust off of your feet as you go.

The next verse talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah will be better off on Judgement Day than those people that didn't receive you.  Ruh Roh.  God ain't foolin' around when it comes to His kids.  You don't mistreat them...and especially, supposedly, "all in His Name."   See how ridiculous that is?  That makes it even worse.  I'm sure He gets even more highly pissed about that when you start throwing His name in there.

And the next verse?  One that has been stuck in my head, that so many people don't grasp, for the last month.  The one that tells us that He is sending us out as sheep in the midst of wolves.  And that's why we have to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

You can't control what others do, but as I said then:

the problem comes in when the other people refuse to do what it takes to reconcile and yet you are still expected to reconcile with them...you are expected to just 'overlook' it all and be linked to and still have a close relationship with the people who have wronged you traumatically and have no actual repentance. and if you don't, you are accused of being an unforgiving, bitter, completely ungodly person.  :)  see? and that exists and becomes a problem because people are so very uninformed about what repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation really are...what that involves heart-wise and how that looks walked out. there's such an ignorance of these things...it's so sad.

Sept. 16th - A friend of mine posted an image on my wall.  It uses Genesis 2:24 and gives a little diagram.  It was good, but there was one thing wrong with it.  I said this:

this is really good. but...i'm so *aware* now of all the things that 'seem' good, but can lead to really dangerous stuff (like what happened to me). i love all of this...except the 'his wife' part that says 'complement.' i like the word 'partner' or 'teammate' better. because good partners *do* complement each other, yes...but, that word is specifically used because it naturally leads into complementarianism, which is a very very specific way of looking at marriage relationships and teaches very dangerous things. 

so, while i love everything it says other than that, that one thing kills this for me. ;) change that word to 'partner' and it's gold.

So, guess what?  Another friend did change it and posted it to my wall.  LOL...I have fun friends.

I do love what it says.  Changing the 'complement' to 'partner' made it pretty perfect.

This is the way it's supposed to be.  No one else in that marriage.  Other people within that marriage (talking to one spouse about the other behind their back, for instance) causes divisiveness...and is usually brought about by betrayal on some level.  And whatever level...whatever way, shape, or form betrayal comes in...it is destructive to a marriage.

Marriage is a 2-person partnership...no others allowed.  That is another thing that people within complementarianism don't understand.  They see the man as a separate entity...and as someone who might need guidance and consultation as to how to 'deal with' their wife.  They feel free to criticize the man's wife, talk bad about the wife, come against the wife...in the name of 'helping their brother.'

Scary.  Divisive.  Destructive.  Wrong on all levels.

Sept. 18th:

"What successful people do is they transcend the issues they find themselves involved in, they realize the principles that guide those issues, and then they adjust themselves in line with those principles that will order the next relationship/discussion/business deal, etc. They go through these doorways, these awakenings...that once they realize that, they never go back. It's almost like they're cured for life...because they *get* it." 

--Henry Cloud 

soooo many doorways and awakenings the past few years. thankful i never have to go back.

Sept. 19th:

this is a pretty darn accurate list. all have applied in my life the past few years. i'm sure people have thought, 'whoa...what happened to michawn? i thought she was way different.' and yes...i *was* way different. but, this describes what changed. just fyi. 

slowly but surely, hopefully i'll get back to that person i once was...just a little wiser for the wear.