With what has happened to me the last 4 years I don't feel heartbroken. It's just...very, very different. Partly because...
The person who 'broke my heart' was good to me. We were best friends (he was the first person I told everything about me to), he never broke my trust, he never betrayed me, he always treated me well and loved me well...even in our break-up. I think that's why it was so devastating. It was a very loving relationship...and that was hard to let go of. For both of us.
This is very, very different. It's not a loving relationship. That ended in January 2012...although I didn't even realize it then.
Love. It's a word that means not much of anything to me right now.
I know what love is. I have it for many. I only have it with, like, 10 people (including my children, lol).
I've learned in the past 4 years that people aren't that good at love.
We know the noun definitions. There are verb definitions too. This is one definition.
When you actually feel that for people...and truly show that in your actions...that is real love.
The 'unselfish' part really gets tricky for some though, doesn't it?
I've learned a lot these past 4 years. Another thing that I've learned is that if someone doesn't agree wholeheartedly with something one is doing, no matter how in need they are, they can't show love. Why? Because they have love all wrong. Because showing love doesn't mean that you agree with someone 100% concerning their actions, beliefs, etc. Showing love means that you feel an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of them. In other words, when they are in need, you come and you love. No matter what.
In relation to my marriage...
Sigh. It just means nothing now. Absolutely nothing.
Will it one day again? Who knows.
But for now...nothing.
What did it look like when it did mean something?
It looked like me and Joel taking on the world. It looked like us...together...no matter what. It looked like best friends, fun, same page, adventures, passion for what God called us each to do (separately and together), partnership, trust, freedom, no fear, easy, simple, on the same team, a puzzle perfectly fit together.
Now there is none of that. Because I know...and I know because it has been proven over and over and over again in the past 4 years...that at any given moment he can, and will, turn on me. At any. given. moment.
And sadly, he hasn't been the only one.
That is not love. That is nowhere near real love.
Sometimes I speak here about beliefs and mindsets that have brought this about. Sometimes I speak about a chain of events. Sometimes I am honest about the feelings and reality and consequences of what has happened.
This is one of those times that shows the reality of the consequences of continued betrayal. At any given moment, it's been proven that he can, and will, turn on me. Leave me for someone else.
Can you fix that? To a certain extent, theoretically.
You can build trust again. Will he? Don't know. But, you can.
Is it possible to get what it looked like before? Together...no matter what. Best friends, fun, same page, adventures, passion for what God called us each to do (separately and together), partnership, trust, freedom, no fear, easy, simple, on the same team, a puzzle perfectly fit together.
I honestly don't know. Maybe. That would be very, very far away...because there is absolutely no trust. And those things aren't possible without trust. But...maybe.
But, no matter the outcome and no matter what happens...
The innocence is gone forever.
The purity is gone forever.
The 100% trust is gone forever.
A common question: Do you still love him?
I mean, what is love? Love involves all of those things above. And all of that is gone.
Do you still love a person who has continually turned on you for years? At a time when you needed them the most?
I'm a healthy person and I know when to walk away from those types of people in my life.
Any other relationship and I would have said goodbye to that a long, long time ago. That is why we have said goodbye, forever, to certain people.
Do I still love him? What does love have to do with much of anything here? Not much, truly.
But, there are other reasons for why I'm still here. Maybe I'll talk about a few of them in other blog posts.
If he can stop turning on me, if he can do what's needed to gain my trust back (which means not doing anything ever that breaks my trust; and yes, that's possible...that was the first 11 years of our marriage), then maybe some ground can be gained. Maybe, someday, we could get back to being partners in life. It's hard for me to see that right now. I can't see that at all right now.
Because when someone does things, over and over, for years, that shows they aren't trustworthy...it's hard to see being partners with them again. Am I right?
But...I'm still here. We'll see if any ground is gained. We'll see if any trust is restored. Time will tell.
But...this is reality. This is what it looks like when you continually betray.
Beware. Don't allow any kind of betrayal to enter into your marriage, your partnership with your spouse/significant other...ever.