Saturday, February 01, 2014

This Is a Miscarriage - Day 11

This will most likely be my next to last post with this header.  I've got a very special post planned for the last post in this little series.  < 3  That will come soon.

Just to give you guys an update...

The hardest thing for lots of people to deal with in a miscarriage is most often, I think, the emotions as related to the loss.  As you will read below, I think I might be a little different in that area...unless there are lots more people like me that I just never hear about. 

The hardest thing for me to deal with is that with miscarriage always comes doubts.  Doubts about your body being able to pull off the healthy pregnancy/healthy baby thing.  I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy...had those doubts.  And even though I have now had four back-to-back healthy, wonderful, perfect pregnancies and births (including three perfect home births), after having two back-to-back miscarriages now...those doubts arise again.  After the first of these back-to-back miscarriages back in 2011, not so much...but now with this second's like, hmmm...can I do this again?  Is my body able to do it again?

Then it kind of snowballs into questioning everything.  The doubts continue.  I've always wanted five kids.  That desire has been with me since I was a little kid.  What's going on?  Am I wrong?  God hasn't take that desire away...but, am I still wrong? 

Then add my age to the scenario.  I love that there are doctors who believe and readily admit that the statistics (that say that the risks of not having a healthy pregnancy/baby/childbirth increase with age) are skewed because they are largely based on older moms who are waiting to have their first child at 40, or close to 40.  I love that there are soooo many women who have their babies at 38, 39, 40, and later.  Lots.  I actually have many friends (and a mom :) ) who have done just that.  And I also LOVE what a friend wrote to me about this very subject just a few weeks ago when I was picking her brain about her own age and fertility (she had her two most recent children, her eighth and ninth, at ages 39 and 42)...she told me lots of great things about her own personal story and then said this:  "So...I'd tell you to not worry about the risks and realize that you are not a statistic! :) God's writing your story, not a statistician. :)"  (*is that not the greatest?!?)

But...after miscarriage(s)...yes, for me, it's the doubts that come and try to get me down.  You might think I'm doing great in other areas...and I'd say I am too really.  But, we all have our things.  So, you can pray for me about the doubts.  Obviously I want what God wants...that's always the best thing.  If it isn't a 5th biological child, I pray that He'd take that desire away.  If it is...I pray that the doubts would leave and that He would write that 5th biological child, with a healthy, wonderful, perfect pregnancy and birth to go along with it, into my story.  Thank you for praying along with me.

As far as an update on the other aspects of miscarriage...

Physically - I *think* that as of today, I am pretty much done with the physical aspect of this.  We will go back next Wednesday to get an ultrasound and see how it looks in there.  Hopefully everything will be all clear in there and I will have passed everything and won't need a D&C. 

But, speaking of the physical aspect of it all, I still can't quite get over what happened on Monday (you can read about that here and here).  It is seriously one of the most surprising, interesting things that has ever happened to me.  Because there are no 'miscarriage stories' on the internet like there are 'birth stories' (which are a dime a dozen practically these days, which is text and video form), I really and truly never knew that people could pass the whole intact gestational sac.  I had only known of people (and had experienced myself at 6 weeks) passing the remains gradually...the parts of the pregnancy coming out bit by bit over the course of a few days or even weeks.  Because of this, I also never ever knew that it could hurt so stinkin' bad!! 

A really great friend of mine (I knew we were 'meant to be together' from the start, but this just solidifies it :) ) has 4 children (3 boys and a girl also).  She's had 2 miscarriages.  Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage (seriously, we could be twins).  She told me this the other day about her 1st miscarriage:  "Was so interesting to read about yours and see how much they were alike. Also over the years I have NEVER met anyone who seemed to understand the pain. I remember thinking during my oldest's birth - this is nothing! It was so different and much easier to deal with than the miscarriage."

Isn't that interesting?  She is a superwoman, seriously.  I think if I had had this 'birth' first, I may have been too scared to have natural births of my full-term children.  So again, I MUST reiterate to all of you who have had miscarriages, or are just reading this and getting fearful...MISCARRIAGE PAINS ARE NOTHING LIKE NATURAL BIRTH CONTRACTIONS!!  You do not have to be afraid.  Again...DO NOT BE AFRAID!!  Did you see what she said?  "I remember thinking during my oldest's birth - this is nothing!" :)  I soooo love that!!  Haha.  Don't be afraid!!

Emotionally - Another sweet friend of mine messaged me asking questions about how I'm doing.  One of her questions was about how I am doing emotionally.  This was my answer for that (and please excuse me...I never ever capitalize when chatting/messaging with someone):

"i think i just process things really quickly.  the reason the past couple of years have been hard is that there is an underlying issue that is constant.  usually when something hard happens, it happens, then it's done, then i'm able to process it and move on.  this underlying issue has been/is a constant thing, so i'm not able to 'get over it.' and all of these *things* along the way that have been super hard have also had this underlying issue.  so, although there is definitely a big stack of super crappy events, without the underlying issue combined with these events, 'process and move on' would've been the norm...the way i've always dealt with things.  but regarding this (the miscarriage), honestly...i had processed the miscarriage and was probably about 90% fine emotionally after about 24 hours.  the other 10% came in the following 24 hours i guess i'd say, if not sooner.  we found out on wednesday.  friday was really bad, but not because of the miscarriage...because of something else going on, honestly.  so, 24-48 hours for me...i just had to go through the physical part after that.  i'm not sure why it's that way with me.  i think most people are different, but it doesn't make me wrong.  just like it doesn't make me right.  it's just different.  i think people think that i'm in denial, or that i don't grieve well or something, though, sometimes.  if i even mention the fact that i had a miscarriage in 2011, people still sometimes say that i have still never fully grieved.  i just have to smile and nod.  because they don't believe me anyway.  hopefully people will see my processing process :) with these blogs and maybe have faith in me when i say that i went through it, i grieved, i wasn't denying anything, and i'm just different.  but, whatever.  if they want to think differently because they themselves would never handle it that way, i can't do anything about that.  but yes...i feel fine emotionally.  it sucks to have lost a baby and those dreams of a baby.  it's a really sad thing.  but...lots of things in life suck.  it'll all make sense someday."

That same friend was also a little surprised about the conclusion I came to about having a D&C vs. a natural miscarriage that I wrote about here.  I knew there would be some people who would be surprised about that...totally understandable since I'm so all-natural about everything.  I even said after I wrote my conclusion..."Surprised?" :)  I knew some would be.  And I'm not saying that is set in stone.  If faced with another miscarriage situation, which hopefully I will never be again, I would have to make a decision of right now, I can't say with 100% certainty what I'd do in a future situation.  But, this was my answer about that:

"everybody's different.  because of how i'm feeling emotionally (my previous answer), i feel like i was healed emotionally already way before that physical part ever came.  i didn't *need* the physical part to provide closure or healing for me.  i am glad that i have had that experience.  it was super neat to see it all, to show the kids, to show everyone in blogland (ha), to have something to bury and a place to always see with our physical eyes and remember not only this baby, but the other 2 in heaven.  so, truly...i'm grateful it happened the way it did.  but, to go through a natural miscarriage at this point in pregnancy again...because i see no physical or emotional need for it, i would probably just opt for the d&c.  you know how people sometimes say about natural birth (of a full-term healthy baby...i had a labor&delivery charge nurse actually ask me this question), "when you go to the dentist to get a tooth pulled you ask for medicine...why wouldn't you do that with birth?" that question is just completely ludicrous.  a full-term healthy baby is not a diseased tooth.  and they are *clearly* uneducated about all the checkpoints of labor and delivery and how God intended it if they can even fathom comparing those two things.  but, because *for me* the process of processing it all and healing is not tied to the actual event of birthing/passing the remains...i can actually kind of use that comparison here.  that might seem just horrible to you...if so, i'm sorry.  but, that was no longer my baby.  what was inside me *was* 'diseased'...obviously.  there was something wrong in there...and that's why my baby was no longer there...he/she was in heaven.  so...i really wouldn't ever go to a dentist and try to tough out them pulling a diseased tooth...would never even cross my mind to do that.  because, there would be no reason to.  it's kind of the same reasoning here.  i don't have that *need* to pass a miscarriage naturally for emotional reasons.  it's been proven in my life...three times now (with a d&c and two natural miscarriages).  sure, there are risks involved with a d&c, but they're the same sort of risks as with most other things/surgeries.  *if* i could be guaranteed that i would not pass the intact sac again, then maybe i would just opt for the natural's so much simpler to just stay home and let your body pass everything (that was my experience with my miscarriage at 6 weeks in 2011).  but, since it can't be guaranteed to not pass the intact sac, again...with none of those other purposes of going through the pain (not for the health of a live baby, not for the emotional/healing reasons), i'd probably just go for the d&c.  who knows...that experience, even though dreadfully painful, might be what some people *need* emotionally.  like i said...everybody's different."

There are some people who need that...truly.  They have to grieve and mourn in that way...through the physical part...the physical passing of the remains of their child.  I really do totally and completely understand that mentality and the psychology of it all.  I am very grateful that I've now experienced miscarriage in three very different ways.  And I can honestly say that *for me*...I do not need it to happen a certain way in order for the grieving/healing process to take place.  It just takes place for me, regardless of the physical aspects...and usually even *before* I even know how it is going to take place physically. 

Is it still sad?  Yes.  It will always be sad.  Do I still get a twinge when I think of it?  Of course I do. baby is fine.  My babies are fine.

My two youngest were here alone with me yesterday.  We had a little manicure/pedicure time and just hung out.  I asked them, "So, how are y'all doing?  How are you feeling about our baby dying?"

Cass (5):  "Sad.  And happy." 
Me:  "Why?"
Cass:  "Sad that it died.  Happy...because it's with Jesus.  And it's safe there."  (pause, pause; got up from the couch and was about to turn a cartwheel)  "And Jesus has good manners.  Way better than us." 

Lol.  Such purity.  Such wisdom.  Our baby is in good hands, and we all know it.  ;)

1 comment:

O.M.G. said...

so interesting. while I can in no way relate, I think reading what you have written will speak and comfort and challenge others who need perspective on this. I just adore how honest you are. I guess Jesus did have good manners, I never thought of it before. Kids are amazing.