And here I am again, trying to figure out what to say...trying to figure out how I even feel so that then maybe I can string some words together to paint a picture of that.
On Sunday night, after crying all day long, we got in the car to drive home at 8pm. I started out driving and told Joel that I didn't know how long I'd last...I was just emotionally and physically exhausted already, I couldn't see being able to stay awake and drive for very long. My goal was to make it to midnight.
At 4am I pulled over. Nighttime has always been 'my' time, but I think there was more to it here. Seeing as how I was so incredibly wiped out even before I started driving, I just know that God wanted to hang out a bit. I talked to Him a LOT, just non-stop, like any kid who doesn't understand what's going on and why...asking Him to take care of the situation, begging Him to hold on to those kids as I know He will, reminding Him of how He told me He would, and just being sad in general with Him. He understands.
I'm still being sad with Him. And He understands.
Joel started driving at 4am. We got home at 5:30. We all went to bed. I slept until noon. Then I spent literally the rest of the day writing that blog post that I posted on Monday. Then I crashed.
Tuesday Joel went back to work. I was useless. I spent the morning just reading and praying and 'getting my mind on other things.' When Joel came home for lunch, I told him I was going to take a nap while he was here. I didn't wake up until 4:30. Still just trying to recover. I crashed hard that night again.
Yesterday was the first day of relative normalcy. I did some laundry, did some school with the kids, didn't sleep during the day. It is all slowly coming back around.
But, therein lies the problem.
It's so crazy how this has affected me. Our kids are sad for the three kids that we couldn't make a part of our family, but they've returned to normal life. Joel is sad for them and wonders what the big picture of it is, why it all happened the way it did, etc. But, he's returned to normal. Me though?...it's just different and I never really saw that coming. We were just going to meet some kids...that's all. No promises, no plans...just going to see if this could work, just going to get some answers. Bada bing, bada boom. Done.
Of course, I knew that it did involve 'getting the kids involved,' obviously, since we were meeting them. But, we really did hope to meet them from a distance. And, after that, possibly get to know them better personally. But, if it came to that, I also couldn't imagine it not being with the purpose of bringing them into our home.
But, it just didn't quite go like that. It was arranged for us to meet them personally from the get-go. When we visited the orphanage right after meeting them, the other kids there right away started asking things like, "Can you adopt me too?" Wow. Our orphanage here is very different, so that caught us off guard. The adults involved all seemed to act almost like this was 'a done deal.' Which all would've been very sweet and endearing had we gotten a 'yes' from God instead of the answer we got.
So, this was the environment and the preparation the kids were coming from. Not their fault. Not our fault. But very, very tragic. It breaks my heart to think of the anticipation...and then the crashing blow.
And just the fact that the answer was 'no.' I am still whirling at that.
Yes, I know all the churchy answers...and I even stated them in the last post. God is faithful. He is. God is taking care of those kids. He really is. He can be trusted. He can...and we do.
I know that I got clear direction from Him. And I know that that was confirmed by Him giving Joel the same answer. I especially know it since it is against what every fiber in my being wants to do. It's easy to follow His direction when it's something you want to do...but I know that this was His answer, because it definitely wasn't mine.
It's honestly really messed with my identity too I guess. Not my identity as far as how others see me (I've never been too concerned with that honestly), but just within myself. How can I be who I know I am and at the same time, this be the outcome? Michawn, the orphan advocate. Who is presented with a group of orphans, the most perfect little orphans you'd ever meet...and tells them no.
How do you resume 'normal' activities after that? How do you dash the hopes of three beautiful, amazing little human beings and then just go back to your regularly scheduled program like nothing ever happened?
Yeah...so that's where I am.
How to close this so that I don't get floods of messages reminding me that God is in control and knows what He's doing and sees the big picture even when we don't? Hmm...I guess just refer to my last post and parts of this post...I really do know all of that. But, the other stuff comes too, and that's normal. And it's valid. And it's true. And, it's worth sharing.
And besides, since He sees the big picture, He sees that too...and He understands. He'll be right by my side working me through it. Until then though, our regularly scheduled program might be a little disrupted.