Joel. Michawn. {Part 8 - Burdens}

Joel wrote his post.  And you might not ever hear from him here again to be honest.  For him to write that post was not fun at all.  And it might surprise you to know that it was not because of the subject matter…but because it involved writing.  Ha.  He hates to write.  It’s not his thing.  It takes him forever and as he says, “he’s not the wordsmith of the family.”  Writing for him is like pulling his own teeth.  Kind of like making up fictional bedtime stories is for me.  I am seriously horrible at that.  Ugh.  I hate it.  lol.  But he’s great at that.  So guess what?  He’s the storyteller in the family.  I’m the writer. 

We all have our things…our own set of limitations.  And, our own set of gifts and talents.  But, I just wanted to let you know that even though Joel might not appear here and might not write himself (and is hardly ever present on any social media ever…just not his thing), he reads everything I write, we discuss it, and he agrees and approves before I ever publish anything.  Just thought I’d throw that in here to reassure you that this isn’t just a ‘me’ series, even though it’s mostly me doing the actual writing.  What I’m writing about is our experience…our actions and thoughts and ideas and beliefs…mine and Joel’s. 

My last post struck quite the chord (it also provides links to all parts of this series).  So many people can relate to struggles in life…and even more specifically, marital struggles in particular.  I mean, of course it’s hard to live with another person who was raised in another family and with other ways of thinking about things and doing things, etc.  So…that’s every marriage.  Then there are the marriages where something major has happened.  Some kind of major upheaval.  Some kind of major shift.  Some kind of trauma…or a series of seemingly never-ending traumas.  Even abuse in some cases.  Those are the marriages like ours.  In fact, we’ve experienced all four of those in the past 3 years…major upheaval, major shift, the never-ending traumas, and, yes…let’s just say it…abuse.

The abuse I’m speaking of is not physical.  And it wasn’t even necessarily intentionally done, but was deemed correct based on a set of beliefs.  But...the abuse that occurred was very real and was a result of a belief system that puts one person in power…and leaves the other with none. 

That might seem quite extreme for us to say.  Some of you might feel very uncomfortable with that sort of language being assigned to what happened.  Some of you might think, ‘Now that’s just taking it a little too far.  Get a grip.  Get over yourself.’

I can tell you very honestly and with all past events in my life proving my case that…I am absolutely not a person who makes mountains out of molehills.  I’m the one who tries to do the opposite…making molehills out of mountains.  So, when I say these things, I am not exaggerating.  You will learn this as we move forward in our story, the extent of which will depend on what specifics I choose to divulge.  But, I am not making more of it than should be made, I promise.  I am being honest. 

So…many of you can relate…to at least some of these specific things…and definitely to just struggles in marriage in general. 

I heard from many of you…many of you sending very sweet encouraging words of how God has done a miracle in your own marriage.  Some of you who are still holding on.  Some of you focusing on another subject…the specific subject brought up in the last post...the subject of others…the subject of the church at large in times like these. 

One friend sent a very stirring message that I completely related to.  She also happens to be a fellow missionary.  And has sadly experienced these things she speaks of firsthand recently.  Some of the things she said were just so very true…

"It's so upsetting to be so disappointed with those you call your good friends or wise counsel.”

"As if people aren't already going through enough to then have insensitive others making more issues.”

"...it feels worse when those people you chose to trust don't help things. And for some people this makes them want to keep everything more private for longer.”

And that's what I want to talk more about today.  I agree wholeheartedly with these things she said…and I have no anger.  But, I do have just a real and sobering realization of what people are really like, what the church is really like, how the world really works. 

But…the TRUTH is that we’re supposed to bear each other’s burdens.  Is that not the case?  Yet, I don’t see that really happening in the church at large.  People (and surprisingly, oftentimes the people closest to you) get very uncomfortable with people with problems.  People get very uncomfortable with people who have struggles…esp. for a long extended period of time.  Or, in some cases, they just get impatient.  It’s hard for the church (that is, the people of the church…your brothers and sisters) to hang in there with those people sometimes…even though all that is needed is an email every now and then to say, ‘hey…we see you, we are praying for you, we don’t want to come off as nosy, but we want you to know that we always care…please feel free to talk to me about anything anytime…no matter what it is, i won’t be judge-y…if you don’t want to talk, i understand…but know that i’m fighting for and with you in prayer.’

One of the things I’ve heard as an explanation as to why people don’t reach out to others is that they are so overwhelmed with their own junk.  They are, themselves, going through a very hard time…and they don’t feel like they can help anyone else.  They don’t feel like they have anything to give. 

To that I say again…’bear each other’s burdens.’  Bear each other’s burdens.  That’s what it says.  It doesn’t say, ‘Be sure to wait until you don’t have any burdens…then you can help to bear someone else’s burdens.’  That is a lie our culture has bought into.  And that has to stop.

I didn’t share anything with anybody for over a year that this was all going on.  Because I thought sure there would, in the end, be nothing ongoing to share.  I thought sure that Joel just wasn’t ‘getting it’ (how he was prioritizing everything else over me…how he was using his ‘power’ to oppress, etc.) and that one day soon it would just click and all make sense for him.  And it would stop.  And we'd move forward...and share about the craziness that had happened, but not be too damaged by it.  It would just be a big bump in the road that caused us to be slowed down a bit, but not the huge cavern that it actually did turn into that caused us to completely halt.  I thought that one day soon it would click for him and it'd be over and we'd move on.  But, that one day soon never came.  So, after over a year had passed (a year and a half actually), I began to open up to some of the people who had reached out to me.  Four people in fact…and only these four.  This was before we had even sent out our newsletter that told everyone that we were having struggles and in marriage counseling (we sent that out in Aug. 2013). 

Of these four who had reached out to me and who I confided in…three of them had ‘been there’ in one way or another. 

One in particular was (and is) still in the thick of it...and has been for longer than me.  Yet, she reached out. 

I get not feeling like you can reach out to someone you hardly know when you are overwhelmed with your own problems.  You don’t quite have the energy to be dealing with your own junk and get to know someone completely new to try to help and encourage them too.  Getting to know someone new can take a lot of energy.  Sometimes God might call you to do that…but, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

To hear that someone you have an already deep and profound relationship with…a real heart friendship…someone you have a real history with...to hear that they are having trouble and not reach out (in a non-judgey, helpful way)?  How can that be? 

You might be walking through the most damaging circumstances of your life, the hardest of times, the most confusing and horrible that you could ever imagine.  But...you are still called to love (that is, show love, be love).  You are still called to reach out to your friends.  You are still called to bear each other’s burdens.

And not only for others’ sake…for yours too. 

There have been countless times during these three long years that I reached out to someone, a friend, who I heard was hurting.  Why?  Yes, because we’re to bear each other’s burdens.  And yes, because that’s the way this whole ‘family of God’ thing is supposed to work.  And yes, because that’s what friendship means.  But also...because it helps me. 

Almost all of us are hurting and disappointed and damaged/being damaged in one way or another.  Bearing each other’s burdens makes us stronger.  We can build each other up.  We can help each other with what we may have learned in our ongoing process…we can get help from someone further down the road than us. 

I’m not talking about a whinefest…at ALL.  I’m just talking about sharing our stories with one another…maybe not the whole world wide web like we’re doing.  But bearing each other’s burdens with a close friend…hearing of someone who is hurting and meeting them, no matter what is going on in your own life.  ‘Misery loves company’…that’s often a phrase used in a negative way.  But, it’s true…and can be seen in a positive light.  Again, not in order to moan and complain and have pity parties.  But, to encourage each other, to build each other up, to spur each other on towards good things and help and hope. 

And just to clarify…bearing each other’s burdens does not at all look like what Job’s friends did.  Not at all.  And we’ll talk about the subject of passing judgment very soon.  Because, for many, just as my friend said…it keeps them silent, so bearing each other’s burdens is not a possibility for them.  We’ll talk more about that soon though.

But...let’s do better at this ‘bearing each other’s burdens’ thing, shall we?  The church needs definite reform in that area.  We know better.  Let's do better.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 7 - Exhaustion}

If you are new to this blog series and want to catch up, here are the links to see the first few posts: 

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

We'll continue the discussion from last time later...although there wasn't much of a 'discussion'...apparently people either don't have an opinion about that subject, or they wouldn't touch it with a 10 ft. pole.  Very interesting.  I posted that and...*crickets.*

But, today's blog post...

While I'm glad that Joel and I are back together...and while I'm grateful for all that we've learned, and are learning, through all of this...I would give up all of this "learnin'" in a heartbeat.  We're praying that it behooves us in the end...things like this usually do...and in mighty ways no less.  But, for now...it's been a tough, hard road.  Esp. for me.  Not to make light of any heartache that Joel has experienced, but when you are already down on the ground in the dirt, shaken, needing rest and relief and support (as I was when we arrived back in the United States), and then what comes next is not being helped but being hurt over and over, for literally years after that...it's pretty life-changing. 

Even since September 1st when we came back together, y'all...it's been just excruciating.  Of course there is the marriage to work out.  But, there has been MUCH opposition since Sept. 1st.  From family members.  From pastors.  From people who, because of our line of work, and because they have supported us in one way or another, think that they have an open door to speak whatever it is that they feel they need to speak to us...what they think we're doing wrong, how we're 'sinning,' etc.  That means that, since Sept., we've been unable to focus on us...because we've needed to stave off the accusers in all of our spare time. 

You've read Job, right?  Job was a righteous man.  Job was tested.  Job was down on the ground, in the dirt...literally.  He was shaken.  He was needing rest.  And relief.  And support.  And instead of help, for a very long time, his 'friends' came to him.  But, they came to question him, to accuse him, to say to him, "O.K., you must have sinned.  What did you do wrong?  What are you still doing wrong?" 

We have been on the receiving end of that since Sept.  I have been on the receiving end of that since 2012. 

I can tell you that I am just exhausted.  I can tell you that I'm just sooooo tired.  I literally feel like I've just been beaten to a pulp and left for dead.  I can tell you that, to experience stressors like that for so long...it can be very, very, very damaging...in every possible way, but including physically.  And it's true...my body is literally shutting down.

You do learn a lot when you go through a long crisis period though.  You learn what people are really like.  You learn who your true there-for-you friends are...you really do.  Not just the Facebook commenters, but the ones who really reach out to you and really love on you and really show care.  Which ones are still with you...and which ones are more the 'out of sight, out of mind' friends.  You learn, when you are constantly being accused in private, how very alone you can feel.  Completely and utterly and desolately alone. 

And you learn, when you can't depend on anyone else in the world, how much you can trust in and lean on God.

You learn how much you can fall in love with Him over and over again...and He can be trusted to never accuse you or blame you when you're down...to always love (the verb) you and to show it very sweetly and tenderly and kindly...to never abandon you or be an 'out of sight, out of mind' friend.  To always reach out to you, from the very first word you cry out, when you are on the ground.  He will always just meet you and take care of you...no matter what. 

To say that I've been feeling the accumulative effects of these past few years acutely recently is an understatement.  This past week we sent out two emails...and we pray that that is the last we will hear from any "Job's friends" in our lives.  We pray that we're able to move on without any other accusers coming our way.  And that we can finally start to focus on us and start to heal and move forward and get healthy and better. 

I heard a song recently.  It is mine and Jesus' new love song.  It's short and simple and I can't get enough of it.  It's perfect.

I wait in the rain but I don’t complain 'cause I wait for you

And I don’t feel pain, you’re like Novocaine, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

Time and again I thought that the end was just around the bend
But you showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and you got me

It was always you
It was always you

It was always you
It was always you

Joel. Michawn. {Part 6 - Egal, Comp, and Counsel}

So last time we talked about some of the specifics of how we were doing when we got back to the states the last day of May 2012, some of the things that were going on in our lives at that point, and how we reacted to/handled it all.  Joel had brought up, in his post, the fact that he was less-than-supportive (to put it mildly) and I went into the specifics of what that looked like and what that involved a little more in my last post. 

More of the specifics of things that happened over the course of the time from January 2012 until the present, January 2015 (3 years!) will be discussed further and documented here as we go along I'm sure.  But, as you can imagine, since Labor Day 2014…since Joel’s blinders were removed and he really was able to finally, for the first time, see the TRUTH of what had been going on…we’ve talked about it a good bit.  About how it all happened.  About how he got to the point where he thought, for instance, that it was ok to not listen to me and my cries for help when I needed a break from our whiplash pace and gypsy lifestyle, traveling here and there and participating in events and pack pack packing and go go going. 

He had never not listened to me before.  We had been the best team.  We had to be…otherwise we would’ve never been able to function in all the constant chaos-around-us and gypsy-ness which was our lives.  That requires really good communication…listening to each other and being aware of the needs that arose.  We were, again, a well-oiled machine. 

And then 2012 hit. 

How did it happen that I stopped being listened to?  How did it get to the point where my very real needs were not given any priority?  What belief system was in place that caused this to be more likely to happen as opposed to a different belief system?

That’s actually a very deep hole to go down.  I’m going to try to do this subject justice here.  The first point here revolves around a certain couple of events very specific to us...but many truths can be drawn from our experience that can pertain to anyone (preventing others from having a divisive effect on your marriage, for one thing).  But, my second point down below goes more into a theological discussion and how core beliefs and values, that you may not have even thought much about, can completely change your world and your life.  So, keep reading. 

Looking back, Joel is actually really baffled.  How on earth?  How did our relationship change?  How did HE change?  It IS baffling. 

But by digging deeper, we can see a couple of things that shaped this all into being basically a ‘perfect storm.’ 

1.  Joel had battled, unbeknownst to me, from January - July 2012, within himself and his desires about that other big event (which was mentioned in the last couple of blog posts) scheduled on the 2nd weekend of July vs. the Watermelon Festival that he had promised to me for years.  It was a difficult position to be in.  For all of us.  The other event was also a very important event, just like our finally getting to go to the festival as a family was, something that I had given up for Joel already two years prior, something that I had dreamed about for 30+ years…and this was literally our last shot to experience it with our children.  Joel, in 2010 (after I gave it up to do what was important to him), had promised the festival to me…”No matter what, the next time we're in the states in July, we will be there”…and then he re-promised in January 2012 after we found out the date of that other big event.  But again...that other event was very hard to miss.  So the point here is this:  the battle within him raged on.  As he said, he did some wrong things during those months…and tried to get out of his word to me.  He reached out to others.  And instead of encouraging unity and oneness with his spouse, they encouraged disunity…encouraged him continuously to try to get out of his word to me.  And that’s just wrong.  We all know that.  There were other extenuating circumstances involving this conflicting date that made it incredibly unfair for us to be expected to give up our plans for that date.  But, I won’t go into those. 

As you can see though, this was a point of contention.  I didn’t know anything about it honestly…that the contention was there.  The only thing I knew was that Joel had promised me a second time (all on his own accord…I had not asked for it) in January that we would be at the festival.  And I knew that it was a really sad thing for him (for ALL of us really, but esp. him) to give up that other big event.  I knew what that felt like, as I had done that two years prior, given up a very special big event.  And I definitely know what that feels like now…can’t even begin to count the things I’ve missed out on because of all of the mess of these past 3 years…weddings and special events and glorious memories and unfulfilled dreams, etc. etc.  But, I had no idea that he was talking to others about it.  That he was talking to and being encouraged by some of his 'mentors' to do whatever he could to back out of his word to me.  That he was so far down that path that he went behind my back and bought a plane ticket to the big event.  I had NO IDEA all of this was happening.  

So, we can see that for over 6 months already at that point (January - July 2012), disunity had been brewing.  And unfortunately, he had been receiving COUNSEL that promoted that disunity.  And eventually, because of this brewing and because of this counsel…it led into something that happened on a much, much deeper level.  And because of a certain set of beliefs, it all left Joel completely predisposed to the development of the wrong set of beliefs about our overall situation, and therefore his wrong attitudes and actions for the following 2 ½ years. 

2.  I don’t much like getting down deep into terms and categories, in general.  I hate to be put in a box.  I hate to put others in a box.  I’m much more of an ‘it’s this way, but let’s not label it’ kind of girl.  Much more of a go-with-the-flow, don’t-have-to-figure-it-out kind of girl.  An if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it type.  But guess what.  IT BROKE!!  Lol. 

So…we’ve been forced to look at it all.  To really dig deep.  What happened?!?  What about our lives and our beliefs and circumstances and backgrounds, on a deep-non-surface level, caused this? 

Have you ever heard the terms EGALITARIANISM and COMPLEMENTARIANISM?  Do you know what they mean?  What do each say about equality, for instance?

Egalitarianism says that all humans are equal.  Equal worth, equal value.  Not everyone has the same roles, obviously, but all are equal.

Complementarianism says that all humans are equal.  Equal worth, equal value.  Not everyone has the same roles, obviously, but all are equal.

The main ideas of each are basically the same on the surface level.  Let’s get into what each actually highlights.

Egalitarianism highlights that equality.  They hold to the belief that all people have equal responsibility to use their gifts and obey their calling to the glory of God; and all are called to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race. 

Complementarianism highlights the belief that men and women are equal, but they complement each other.  They have complementary roles.  They have roles of equal importance, but not the same roles.  They hold to the belief that certain roles between men and women, manifested in marriage, church leadership, and elsewhere, are biblically required.  In other words, there are certain roles that a woman will never be allowed to have, no matter what her giftings and no matter what she feels God is calling her to.  The same applies to men, although it is, in general, a much less limiting belief system for men. 

I had heard these terms before.  But had never really looked into these belief systems.  I knew that I believed in the equality of all, as each of these belief systems hold to.  I knew that I had mostly been a part of complementarian churches.  They weren’t churches who silenced women (although I have attended a church like that…where the women are literally not allowed to speak...those do exist too).  So, on the surface, in many ways, those churches I have been a part of seem very much equal.  Which is partly why I went to those churches.  And because honestly, the complementarian view was fine with me because I personally didn’t have any giftings or strong callings that fell under the category of ‘you can’t live those out here because you are a female.’  So I was never faced with having to dig deep.  And I was never faced with being uncomfortable and limited and not being able to do what I was called to do under this belief system.  Therefore, I never really investigated.  But, let’s investigate a bit…

What does egalitarianism look like in real life?  It sees male and female as truly equal.  If a woman feels the call to be a pastor, guess what?  She can become a pastor.  If there is a decision to be made, the woman’s opinion and answers are given equal weight as the man’s.  It’s just…equal.  That's the way it plays out within the church, within marriage, etc.  If a husband and wife are having a hard time reaching an agreement about something...they don't move until they both agree on something.  Practically speaking, that might involve a yielding on both parts (we call that compromise), or the wife might yield to the husband, or the husband might yield to the wife.  But, they don't move unless a mutual agreement on what to do has been reached.  That’s what egalitarianism looks like. 

And I thought that was basically what complementarianism looked like too…equal, esp. in marriage.  As far as being heard in general, I had never really run into or seen much trouble with that.  As far as roles in the church...I did know that in most of the churches I’d been involved in, women were not seen as ‘preachers’ or ‘pastors’…and if they are gifted in such a way as they would make great preachers, they are instead usually given the label ‘teachers’ so that they can, in fact, still use that gifting and others can benefit from that gifting.  Lol.  True statement.  Ha.  Or…in some of the more ‘modern’ complementarian circles, if ‘permission is granted’ to take on a certain role that is outside the roles traditionally considered acceptable for women, then that is ok.  And, for a woman to be a children's or ladies' pastor (although many times it's called 'minister' instead…that label is usually more acceptable for women)...being a minister over other women or children is generally accepted…because that is an acceptable gender role.  But, usually if there is a lady who shows herself to be gifted in a certain role that is generally a man’s role…and if that lady is given that role despite the fact that she is female…one of the things that I’ve most heard about a situation like that is ‘well, if the men of the church would actually step up, there wouldn’t be a need for women in these roles.’  So, it’s always seen as basically a female being in these positions by default…not by any genuine giftings or callings to be in that role regardless of what the men are doing. 

So what does complementarianism look like outside of the church...in marriage for instance?  These are a few of the tenets that are taught, that Joel and I were taught, under that belief system: 
1) a husband and wife are to submit to each other
2) a wife is to submit to and respect her husband
3) a husband is to lay down his life for his wife, just as Christ laid down His life for the church

These are the first 3 main things that are taught.  Now, #2 + #3 to me =s #1.  So, basically what all 3 together are saying is, submit to and respect each other.  In fact, the call of a husband in #3 seems even a bit more serious than #2.  Wives, yield to your husbands, but husbands…you lay down your very lives, just like Christ.

When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I was very anti-submission.  Very!!  But, why?  Because #3 was basically never mentioned.  What was told to me over and over and basically just harped on?  How I was called to be submissive.  When I got in a church that actually taught #3, a lot, and lived it out, a husband who was showing me so much respect that he would lay down his very life for me…that?...I wanted to submit to and follow and could respect.  Because it was all just a very clear picture of MUTUAL SUBMISSION…a picture of #1.  Not just me yielding, but both of us yielding.  And Him laying his life down for me.  I was already in love with and following Jesus, partly for that very reason.  How natural and easy to be in love with and follow a man who was acting in that very way.

And I found just that in Joel.

But, here’s the #4 that is also taught in that belief system:
4) ultimately, the man is the boss.  and ultimately, the man has the final say. 

And there it is. 

Let’s look at this a bit.  Where does #4 come from?  It is drawn from two passages of scripture in particular…1 Corinthians 11 and Ephesians 5.  We’ll dig deeper into each of these as we go along probably.  These passages cover many things.  But, one of the phrases found in each of these scripture passages (in most English translations) states that the husband is head over the wife.  Therefore, that is translated as 'the husband is boss.'

And the little caveat that has been taught as gospel right along with this over and over, although not actually stated in the Bible anywhere, is what I put there in #4…because 'man is boss,' then the man always ultimately has the final say.  If there is a disagreement about something and a resolution just cannot be reached, it is the man who has the final say.  All the other verses about the husband practicing mutual submission and about the husband laying down his life as Christ did...it is taught that those all go out the window whenever he deems that course of action is needed.  Because he is the boss.  And he has the final say. 

Joel’s leadership was very servant-like.  That is what drew me to him in the first place, so many years ago. 

Joel was very much a husband who practiced mutual submission and laying his life down.  We never even had to employ #4 there…never even came close.  An agreement was always reached...sometimes by me letting go of what I thought best, sometimes by him letting go of what he thought best.  We were a team.  We were ONE.  We flowed like buttah, baby.  :) 

And then we didn’t. 

And that’s where the existence of #4 can get really scary. 

Joel had zero understanding about what was really going on.  He was completely blinded and deceived.  His beliefs about what was going on (that I had become 'crazy,’ that I was being completely irrational by needing what I needed even though anyone the world over would not see those needs as irrational after all we had gone through, that I was depressed, that I had a disorder of some kind, that I was just being manipulative and controlling…and the list goes on and on because it changed several times throughout the years)...those beliefs led him to believe that we were incapable of working together.  That I was incapable.  That I was wrong in what I was needing, feeling, believing.  And, so #4 gave him the right to just take over. 

Not only did #4 exist for him...all of his complementarian counsel that he was getting said that he was dealing with a non-submissive wife.  And that he had to do what he felt best, no matter what.  He had to take over, he had to make decisions…he was in charge.  I was now out of the picture, unless I stopped being so (what was considered to be…) ‘uppity’ and totally non-submissive. His counsel told him that he had every right to move on and do things like take jobs and make financial decisions without consulting me…because I, after all, was living in sin and refused to move out of that sin. 

This counsel, by the way, was given by people who live far away, were nowhere near us or the situation, and never once reached out to ask me my side of the story.  But they definitely knew #4, and were willing to urge Joel to put that into practice. 

More next time…about this subject, about gender and roles in general, about counsel, about the church.  We have lots to talk about.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 5 - Yokes}

First of all, I have a disclaimer at the bottom about all of this.  But, I wanted to also start this out by saying this:  Nothing I say in these blogs are said with any kind of motive other than pure motives.  They are threefold really...1) first and foremost, to tell our story and focus not on the specific actions (although some of those have to be told in order to get to the lessons learned), but on the root issues behind those actions, which might at some point even help others, 2) this is the way I process things best...and that is needed after these years...processing through all of this, starting the process of healing, and 3) I was silenced for a long time...and now I have things to say...which is also very healing and very liberating. 

Joel said that although this is not easy for him, because honestly, it's embarrassing and he hates that all of this happened in the first place...but, if it 1) helps me to process and get to a good place/helps me turn it around and use it for good, and/or 2) helps any others along the way, then he doesn't want to hide it away...he wants it to be used.  I agree.  Otherwise, what a waste of a really crappy few years in our lives.  No, what the enemy meant for harm, we will use for good.  I hope that you remember that motive behind the following words as you read through this post. 

Also, the next blog post (which I have already written) starts to get into some real meat of some of the things we're learning through all of this.  So, I promise it's coming.  But, all of that has to be prefaced by all of this.  Again, not just 'airing our dirty laundry' (as some people would call this) for no purpose.  It's all just the set-up for some deeper level discussion about some deeper level issues and beliefs.  Just hold on and trust the set-up process.  :)  Now...on with the post...

Joel wrote the last ‘Joel. Michawn.’ blog post (our 4th installment in this series).  Since he did, I can now keep going with our story.  In the 2nd post, called ‘Detours,’ I talked about some of the major ‘Level 10 Traumas’ that we’ve faced in the past few years.  In the 3rd post, called ‘What Happened to Us,’ I gave a little picture of what our unstable lives had been like…and how by the time spring 2012 rolled around, I NEEDED to retreat from battle…I NEEDED a break, to rest, to recover, to heal.  Because...

As I’ve written about, giving many specifics already (so I won’t do that again here), our last year in Brazil was very, very hard.  I want to make it very clear that it had nothing to do with Brazil specifically.  Or living in a foreign country.  And it had nothing to do with missions specifically.  Or our work there.  We just faced a lot of other kinds of difficulties and challenges and trials. 

So, when we got back to the United States, all I wanted to do was do what we had committed to do those first two weeks back (teach in two different VBSs), then set up the house we were set to live in, and then do NOTHING but everyday life (homeschool, soak in family, and get some MAJORLY NEEDED R&R at the lake…literally let the land that God had raised me in provide healing).  I cannot stress enough how badly that was needed.

And then our last day in Brazil came.  We were finishing up packing.  And the news came that we would not be able to live in that house here in Louisiana that our friends had hoped would be ready for us. 

It was a blow.  But, the 6 of us were all packed, our house was all packed up so that others could live there, the plane tickets were bought, so off we went…not knowing where we would go on the other side. 

Long story short, what we foresaw and hoped would be two weeks of busy when we first got to the states, and then being able to settle in and relax, actually turned into a complete tornado of life.  We spent the next 3 weeks trying to figure out where to live.  We started the process of buying a house-turned-flower-shop at the end of that first month that had to be completely remodeled.  We were buying the house from a really good friend of mine (I had actually been a bridesmaid in her wedding).  We started the process and I spent almost all week with her doing stuff at the house.  She had a lot of stuff at the house that she was going to sell.  I went through it all first since we needed some stuff to set up life here.  Then she had a garage sale that weekend.  She went home from the garage sale that Saturday evening, and she died, completely unexpectedly…from a very rare issue stemmed from a heart condition she didn’t even know she had.  She was 41.

To say it was a very stressful, very mournful time would be quite the understatement. 

And this is where it started getting really, really hard marriage-wise.  This is why Joel had to tell his story from his point of view, so that it would be him admitting to and telling his story before I told the story in a bit more detail. 

Joel talked about in his blog post an event that he had promised me I would not have to miss again.  Since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved the Christmas season…but it’s Watermelon Festival week that has always been my most favorite time of the year.  It’s a festival my small town has every 2nd weekend in July.  The whole town comes together every evening during that week for activities…and the week ends with the big festival that Saturday.  It’s like a big town reunion really.  And everybody who lives here just LOVES it and so looks forward to it every year.  I’ve shared it with many people over the years…bringing back people from college, co-workers from the hospital where I worked after college, other friends throughout the years.  Many people close to me have been able to experience the Watermelon Festival with me. 

Except my own family.  I had grown up dreaming about the time I would have my own husband and children to share this with.  And as of 2012, that dream had still not been realized.  In 2010, we were finally here in the states in July and the kids were the perfect ages to really get it and enjoy the activities and participate.  But, Joel asked me to give it up so that we could head out and do something that was important to him.  He promised me that it would never happen again.  And that the next time we were in the states during the summer, we would make the Watermelon Festival happen.  I hesitantly, and very sadly, agreed.  We pulled out of town as they were literally beginning the first night’s activities that year. 

Then came 2012.  There was another big event that was special to Joel (special to all of us) that, again, fell on the same date as the Watermelon Festival.  Even though it had been relayed ahead of time that we wouldn’t be able to make it to that special event if it was set for that date because it had already been set in stone that we would be making it to the Watermelon Festival that year (because for us specifically in our lives, the festival might be held annually, but we were never here annually; and if we didn’t make it to the festival that year, my dream of experiencing it with my children as actual children would be gone)…we let that be known, but that big event was still scheduled on the Watermelon Festival date. 

We had known about that decision since January 2012, but it developed into an incredibly tense and hard issue.  Add on to that the tornado we’d been thrown into concerning housing.  And then, we lose Melinda. 

We lost her on the Saturday night before Watermelon Festival week.  We buried her that Wednesday.  At some point in the days between her death and her burial, Joel told me that he had bought an airline ticket to the conflicting big event (done totally and completely behind my back), and that he’d be breaking his word to me, and leaving early Friday morning. 

So, when he says things like, "I still continue to try to grasp the horribleness and devastation I brought about to my marriage and family by my mindset and actions these last years,” as he did in his blog post, it’s a very true statement.  Because as he also said, we had functioned "like a well-oiled machine" for basically our first 11 years.  These actions that were starting to show up at the beginning of 2012 that were, quite honestly, devastating to our family, were coming from a man that I didn’t even recognize. 

And those kinds of actions continued constantly from then on out. 

In the end, after a completely sleepless Thursday night of wrestling (with me, and with himself), Joel didn’t go.  But it was very definitely one of the first signs of a major breakdown in our relationship. 

We look back on that time and wonder, what happened?  That whole first year back in the states I kept thinking, ‘He’s going to snap out of this.  This is not the man I married.  We’ve always been friends, we’ve always worked so well together, we’ve always been a team.’  So, I really just kept thinking it would be over soon…something would click with him eventually. 

At first, I thought that it would happen when we finally got moved into the house.  We worked non-stop on it, 12-13 hr. days.  We started the week after Watermelon Festival, mid-July.  And we moved in the first week of October.  Even though he had asked me if we could all drive to New England and back for a trip during early August.  And even though he had asked me if we could go to a training in SW Texas in mid-August.  And even though he asked if he could go on a week-long mission trip to Costa Rica in September (which he actually did do).  All of these requests being made during the craziness of trying to get into a house of our own so that we could actually unpack our suitcases for the first time since May…even then I thought that surely he was just stressed and that was how he handled it.  He would relax and let me relax and recover once we got in our house.

But, that never happened.  The requests to travel and go about a 'normal' furlough never ceased.  And he immediately got busy with the business of a normal furlough schedule…visiting churches, going to trainings and conferences, etc.  And dragging us along.

So, the whole first year, like I said, I had truly thought that maybe it would click for him eventually.  My need for rest and relaxation and a healing time was not going anywhere until that need was met. 

But, by the end of that first year, it became very clear that not only was it not clicking, and not only was I not going to get my healing time anytime soon…it was just getting worse and worse and worse by the day.  Because instead of getting that break and healing time, I was being continuously pressured to just keep moving along.

The Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked.  That means that it is wise to be equally paired up in your marriages.  Not equal as in the same (because no two people are the same, obviously), but equally paired.  Look at this picture…

If these two oxen were unequally paired, and therefore unequally yoked, then there would be some major problems.  They would not be functional at all.  They would not be able to function as a team.  They would not be able to do the task they are needed to do. 

Being equally yoked means that you are both moving in the same direction in life…you have unified goals and visions. 

And that’s the way we were.  For the first 11 years.  We were equally yoked, with the same goals and visions, with the same pace even. With the same rhythm, the same strength, the same flow.

But then this ole ox got pretty beat up by that pace and by the things that just continued to come our way.  That pace and the particular trials we went through and the demands of our lifestyle happened to usually affect me more and demand more out of me (this particular ox in the yoke) to be honest.  Who was it that always did all the packing, for five people, for every single trip we made?  Who was it that did all of the setting up of houses, making each house a home?  Who was it that was responsible for keeping the kids homeschooled, no matter what chaos we found ourselves in?  Who was it that had babies that died inside of her?  Who was it that had to physically deliver those babies and physically recover from those tragedies?  And the list of questions goes on and on, but the answer to those questions is ‘me.’  So, no wonder this ox started to falter, started to stumble along the path.  No wonder this ox needed recovery and healing and a break.  RESPITE. 

And here’s where it all went wrong.  (Please remember as you read the rest of this paragraph that there is a point to all of this, a 'moral of the story.')  But...instead of my teammate, that other ox that was yoked to me, stopping…that other ox just kept going.  Instead of him recognizing that his yoke-mate needed to pause, he insisted that a pause wasn’t necessary.  He continued to trudge along, dragging that already-beaten down ox along the gravel, causing even more damage.  Even getting irritated that that ox thought a pause was necessary.

Please hear me when I say that I reveal all of this NOT to make Joel sound bad.  Believe me when I say that he now knows and sees all of this for what it was.  Which is why he could write that blog post that he did.  He was blinded by wrong beliefs, and also by others’ very wrong counsel.  But, through that all, a lot has been revealed to us…and we’ve learned a lot.

And THAT is why this is all talked about.  Oh boy, do I have lots to say about marriage.  And about being yoked.  And about belief systems concerning both of those issues. 

But, this is getting long, so I’ll wait until next time to get into those things.  But, more about the yoke and belief systems in general concerning marriage next time.

Christmas Card & Newsletter 2014

Taking a break from the 'Joel. Michawn.' posts to post our Christmas card and Christmas newsletter from this year.  Here it is...our Christmas selfie.  :)  And I just love Cass' cute sign (she had a cute shirt that she wore at all the Christmas gatherings that says the same thing).  ;) 

Enjoy...

The black spaces are magnets stuck onto the back of the card.

Hello friends and family,

We can definitely say that there have been many changes since last year’s newsletter.  Last year we were announcing that we were expecting a baby in August and were planning to return to Brazil before the birth.  Sadly, we found out at the end of my first trimester (at the end of January) that our sweet baby had gone on to heaven.  

Plans changed drastically after that.  And we faced a lot of facts after that too.  Most of you already know much of what our year entailed, but for those of you who don’t happen to be on the internet much, I’ll quickly bring you up to speed.  As we had written in an email newsletter in August 2013 and talked about in our Christmas letter last year, our marriage was suffering.  Just FYI for anyone wondering, there was no sexual sin or third parties involved.  If using just one phrase to describe our issues, it would be ‘a huge failure in prioritization and a huge loss of trust.’ The miscarriage didn’t make it worse because it really couldn’t get worse…but it did just make lots of things very clear.  

Long story short, Joel and I lived apart from mid-May until the beginning of September.  It was needed…and through it all, with the help of some friends who counseled us, the tide was turned, eyes were opened, repentance happened, and we started living together again.  The past 3 years have been so hard, to say the least. And it’s still hard…because a ton of damage was done and you have to wade through that.  But, it’s so much better than it was…and so much better now than it was even 2 weeks ago…and it’s getting better and we’re getting stronger again with each day.  We’re rebuilding.  And that will take some time.  But, we’ll just take it day by day.

I’m writing about it way more in-depth on my blog.  We are still passing through this time…still learning, still recovering, still healing.  I will continue to write about it…all the things we learn, how it changes us, etc.  If you are interested, you can read it here:  www.michawn.blogspot.com. 

But, we are grateful to be on the road to recovery and healing…and to be friends and a team again. We still feel a call to missions (and are still working in that area, see below), still feel a call to adoption, to all the things we felt before.  We’re just experiencing a little detour that we didn’t plan on.  We’ll keep you posted as to how it all works out and what that means for us in the future.  Right now our focus is only our family and rebuilding it…that is all.  Hopefully soon we will be whole again and can then reach out to others in the ways we did before.

The kids are all doing fine.  This has been a rough few years for Joel and me…and of course the kids haven’t been completely unscathed, but almost, thankfully.  We were honest with them, and walked through all our difficulties with them…and used it as a great learning opportunity for them.  They definitely know what detours in life are all about, and that life isn’t perfect.  But, that we can just hold on…and that we also can trust God always. They truly are amazing kids and despite everything, are thriving.

Grady is 10 now (will be 11 next month!).  He’s in the 5th grade.  He’s kind and patient and very self-disciplined.  He loves all things Legos, Minecraft, and engineering.  So, it was right up his alley when he joined a Robotics team that uses models made of Legos.  They went to a competition in November and even qualified to go to the state competition.  He plans to be an engineer when he grows up…we’ve suspected that bent from the time he was his little sharp, meticulous, precise toddler self.  :)  

Hadley is 9 (will be 10 in February).  She’s in 4th grade and is very creative.  Her new hobbies this year to add to her painting are sewing and knitting.  She also loves to write books and does so frequently.  She has said since she was about 4 that when she’s 18 she’s going to take a trip for God and then become an artist in Paris.  This year she added something…she wants to “help Mrs. Christine Caine” (in fact, she wants to be Christine Caine) when she grows up and wants her trip for God to include freeing trafficking victims. Again, right up her alley. She is very protective and compassionate…a truth-talker and a justice-seeker stick of dynamite, this one.  Our little lightening bolt.  ϟ

Eissa just turned 8 in October.  She is in 2nd grade and still loves horses and all animals.  She is our gentle, yet stoic one.  A perfect combination of fiery and sweet.  And sensitive.  She wants to be a spy girl when she grows up…she “knows it could be dangerous, but…” she’ll be careful she promises. She plans to be a full-time cowgirl when she retires. ✿

Cass is 6 ½ (March birthday).  She is in 1st grade and is our little parrot.  We’ve always called her that…and she continues to amaze us at what she can pick up on.  She’s just very, very quick and clever…and tends to be wise beyond her years. She wants to be “a ‘dolphin girl’ and a teacher” when she grows up, teaching people all about dolphins and how to swim with them and such. ☼ 

All 3 girls are also in a tumble class, which they LOVE.  And there is a constant onslaught of round-offs and walk-overs and backbends and cartwheels in our house.

I continue to just work to get our lives back on track after this huge detour…with homeschooling and routine and life in general.  I’ve recently also taken up sewing again, inspired by Hadley…kind of fun.  I’ve also kept busy the past couple of months teaching a childbirth class…and will be a doula for that couple next month.  That couple happens to be my brother and his wife…so, it’s pretty special and I’m pretty excited.

Joel continues to work for Asas de Socorro…he serves as operations coordinator.  What does that entail you ask?  Almost a thousand flight hours!!  Yes, that is what Joel and his mission flight operation team has been up to this year.  Asas has safely flown a total of 1,806 passengers so far and about half a ton of supplies to 95 different locations in the Brazilian Amazon jungle.  All this…coordinated from right here in Saline, Louisiana of all places.  :)  He says this about his role: “Coordinating ASAS flight operations is a full time job and involves such tasks as real time flight tracking, keeping track of the operational budget, updating metrics and statistics, overseeing the pilots, maintaining online airplane records, and responsibility for the flight operations website. Ahh yes, and plenty of meetings…never been on Skype so much. :)” 

We are honored and privileged to be a part of this amazing team that is making such a difference to the remote and forgotten communities in Brazil…and you, our team of financial and prayer support, should feel that way too. All of us together are making a difference.

Joel also works as a pilot/mechanic in a few different places nearby (as ‘nearby’ as you can get here in the boonies, anyway…his work is about 45 minutes away).   We are very grateful for this opportunity for work in order to make ends meet while we are here in the United States.

While we are ‘laying low’ for a while to recover and rebuild our family, we do thank you for your prayers and emotional support.  As Joel still holds a full-time position for our mission organization, we also ask that you prayerfully consider financially supporting us.  Our desire is to return to work for them there in Brazil as soon as is possible, and that will require raising our monthly support again.  We are so thankful that Joel can fill this need in the mission and still be able to serve them in this role remotely while here in the states…and we pray that he can soon cut back on his pilot/mechanic hours at the nearby hangar in order to more efficiently do his job for our mission organization and meet their needs. 

Again, thank you for your continued support and prayers for our family.  We will keep you posted on Facebook and my blog.  We love you guys and hope you all have a very MERRY Christmas and a HAPPY New Year!!  

xoxo, the Ebersole family
Joel, Michawn, Grady, Hadley, Eissa, and Cass

 

Joel. Michawn. {Part 4 - Joel's Post}

First, this is Michawn.  I wanted to be very clear about something here before we dive in...and that is that we're not telling our story just to be 'revealing.'  There are people who don't think we should talk about these things...we have heard from a couple of these people.  They might not want to do that in their own lives...and that is fine.  But, we feel freedom to do this...and not only a freedom, but a need...in order to ourselves heal, but also to, in the long run, possibly help others who might have something similar happen to them.  So, just know that. 

If you are going to learn anything from the things you go through, you have to look at the bigger picture.  In order to learn anything, you have to look at the truth of what happened, and then you have to see the details of what happened in light of the bigger picture.  So, this particular post is not a post to place blame, although there is some blame-taking here obviously...stating clearly what happened and taking responsibility for that...because without those first steps, there is no way to move on and get better.  This has been done in real life.  But, the reason we are posting it here for all to see is because 1) we like to be real and honest, 2) there has been much speculation and talk (as pointed out below)...and it's just time to clear things up, and 3) if you're gonna go through a really crappy season, others might as well hear about it and learn a thing or two from it too.  Otherwise we would feel like we were just hoarding our experience...when it could truly help so many others (and already has...we've heard from those people too). 

Every part of our story is interlaced.  What happened to us has already taught us so much...and we continue to walk out healing and figure things out and learn more and more things.  But, what's contained in this post is a part that can't be left out.  Without knowing this part, much of what we say from here on out wouldn’t make sense...and each part of our story that is talked about just builds onto the next and points out things that we can ponder and learn from.  So, keep that in mind.  Joel is forgiven...by me, by God, by himself.  But, it's important to tell the story...

Hi everyone, Michawn asked me to do this post explaining a little from my view of our situation, which I was glad to do. So this is my attempt to capture what happened these last three years.

In the first 10 years of marriage, Michawn and I operated like a well-oiled machine. She was my best friend and teammate for sure and up for just about anything….our marriage was exciting and fun.

Vibrant, energetic, hard working, low maintenance, disciplined, healthy, loving God and life kind of a person is how I would describe her.

Loved challenges and never let much bother her….. and as you probably know…..very engaged with the people around her.

Felt like we were always on the same page and connected as we discussed and made all our decisions together.  We were always doing stuff together and humbly focusing on God and each other.

When we did have different ideas or disagreements, we always came to a compromised solution. For all those years, our differences had never been a problem…we blend well together and we were a good team for sure.

We always had a very solid foundation of love, trust, and respect that God put us on as we sincerely ran after Him. God put us together….no questions or buts about that. 

We were doing well individually, taking responsibility for ourselves, free to be who we were in our marriage and could count on each other's support and understanding.

Throughout all our decision-making (and there was a lot) ….raising kids, when/where to move, going to the mission field, when and where to travel….those and many more…. we were always together.

Hindsight is mostly 20/20 and to summarize what happened after that first decade, I regrettably have to say that I somehow missed Michawn's heart and created much much damage in the process.

And saying it like that doesn’t even do it justice. I still continue to try to grasp the horribleness and devastation I brought about to my marriage and family by my mindset and actions these last years.

The toll has been tremendous.

When I think back to the different situations and circumstances we had to deal with over these past years, which Michawn has written some about previously, its just puzzling to me how I thought I was being a loving and caring husband.

It is very evident now that I trampled Michawn and beat her into the ground…..and why I thought it was okay to do/act/have the mentality that I did is beyond me……just super insensitive uncaring jerk to put it bluntly.

When I say 'missing her heart' I mean really being clueless about what was really going on with her, the struggles we were going through, the things she was facing….. truly being disconnected…...  and therefore not acting like a team.

She was down for the count…..and I was trying to drag her along….demanding she get up and “follow” me. 

I'm ashamed to say that... but it’s true.

I did not listen to Michawn and her needs and the things that she was telling me needed to change….back in 2010 while in the US, Michawn did sit me down and let me know that our lives were just too unstable and she could not handle this gypsy lifestyle for much longer. We had moved so many times since we had been married! Looking back I should have done more right then and there.

When we got back to Brazil at the end of the summer that same year, there was more instability. I did realize Michawn was becoming increasingly uneasy and had a lack of grace to deal with the constant instability in our living situation….again, how I wish I had done more instead of trampling on her and hoping she would just get over it.

We came back to the US in May of 2012 and I made things go from bad to worse. First we had no place to live and that brought a lot of stress, complications, and situations that I could have handled way better and truly cared for my family instead of putting my agenda first. Secondly, as if the way I was acting was not detrimental to our marriage and my family’s health enough….. I began then going behind her back and talking about her to others (this ended up lasting for 2 ½ years)….telling them that I just did not know what was going on with her, that she might be depressed, in crisis, was being difficult and unreasonable….things that were not true, I should have never said, and that completely ruined her good reputation with those people.

Like a complete jerk, I talked about Michawn instead of protecting and standing up for her as we dealt with difficult furlough plans and difficult circumstances.

Another way I brought even more damage was:  I had promised her (twice) we would not miss a certain special event the next time we were in the U.S., but then another special event ended up falling on the same date.  Unfortunately, I tried to go back on my promise/word to her.  Long story…. I did not act honorably, did not put Michawn first, and in the process damaged her name with the people surrounding that other event when I tried to get out of my word.

All of this added up equaled the most stress to date we had ever encountered in our marriage. Like I said, huge story but to sum it up I made it very hard, stressful, damaging to our marriage.  And all this stress was added on top of the previous year of stress and instability that Michawn was needing to recover from.  

In Oct of 2012 when I finally had a roof over my family's head and thought I had solved all our problems, my focus turned to the demands of our furlough schedule that we had postponed for 6 months because of everything else that was going on (remodeling a house to live in, etc.)…..And that is when I started really making even BIGGER MISTAKES.

Michawn was barely able to function at this point (although she just kept pushing through), and needing for me to take care of her and protect her and I was way in left field focusing on schedule, trips, and other people!

As you can imagine, things just snowballed after that. We were not working as a team and the disconnect caused great damage in just about every situation we encountered or had to deal with. Things just got worse and worse. From the summer of 2013 to the summer of 2014 we worked with several different counselors, but none had really been able to help us.

Finally, this past August, I was awakened to the fact (with the help of a new counselor) of how I had just completely missed Michawn this whole time, and things began to change in my heart.  That was a huge turning point.

AlI the damage I had unknowingly inflicted. How I did not listen to or believe Michawn and the needs she expressed...and did not prioritize her.  My attitudes and behavior during all this time and the devastating effect on our marriage and Michawn's spirit and health…..all that pierced my heart and on Labor Day...

True God intervention.  I apologized in the most sincere way I have ever apologized before.

Since then I have been working to regain Michawn’s trust and win my family back.  Things are a lot better but are not perfect. Still different issues come up and at times I do more damage, but we are working together and doing our best to heal and recover from all the pain and damage I caused over the past few years. The way back to a healthy vibrant relationship is long and definitely not easy, but totally worth the while.

I pray that what I have written here, the lessons that I have learned so far will encourage you to truly actively listen to your spouse's needs and prioritize them no matter what is going on.

To truly work as a team is a wonderful thing.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 3 - What Happened To Us}

How did it all go south?  What the heck happened?  If we were this amazing team before and we never had any problems, how on earth did this all happen?  How did we end up here?

If you only knew how many times I ask those questions...daily still.  It's all such a shock to the system.  What on earth? 

In looking back over our lives together pre-marriage catastrophe (these past 3 years), we can see some of the things that led to our demise that were present all along.  I mean, hindsight is always 20/20, right?  But, everybody has their little things.  And they were no big deal...

Until they were.

There are some things that are present in your lives but they don't rule you and your actions...

Until they do. 

When things 'heat up' in your life, oftentimes what boils over is something that is terribly unhealthy and detrimental. 

For us, this is what happened in a nutshell.  We still don't have all the answers.  We still don't have some of the 'why' answers to what happened.  Someday, through working through all of this and investigating our hearts throughout this process (through teachings we're listening to and counsel), we might understand the whys of it all.  For instance, why is it that a certain set of beliefs were the ones that boiled over in a certain scenario...and why were those beliefs there in the first place?  Things like that. 

But...let's get into more specifics now.  What happened to us?

Our last year in Brazil was amazingly hard and traumatic.  A miscarriage, housing instability for 7 months, a big blow that came up that had to do with timing/scheduling conflicts, a failed adoption, etc. etc.  It was incredibly difficult and at the end of that year (Spring 2012), I was literally just completely exhausted.  I knew I needed to retreat...as in an army battalion retreating from battle.  It had been a battle...the worst of my life.  The truth is that the change in us had started even before our hard last year in Brazil...let me back up.

Let me give you just a little picture of our lives, dating from January 2010 - the beginning of November 2010...just 10 short months...a very real picture of our lives in general since 2001.  The lifestyle we led (of complete instability) had been fine with me for the first 9 years of our marriage.  I was along for the ride and I just went with it.  It was always challenging (for all of us...as it would be for anyone), but it wasn't a huge deal.  But...right around our 9th anniversary some things had happened that let me know that this kind of lifestyle had to be on its way out for us.  Some stability was needed.  At the time, we had just come back for our first furlough and didn't have a place to live.  It took us a long time to find somewhere...and then that fell through.  Then finally we were able to get into a loaned house of our own to 'camp out' and have as home base (because of course we also traveled a ton in the few months we were here) during our furlough.  Just FYI...most missionaries come back to a big city or at least a town where there are things like apartments or rent houses available.  That is not our case.  Our home base while in the states is my hometown...a town with a population of 300 people, one caution light, one little general store, and one little eating establishment...just to give you a picture of our reality.  There are no apartments here.  No rent houses.  You either own here, or you don't live here.  But, here is where we needed to be...otherwise it kind of defeats the main purposes of furlough...which are to recharge with family and friends and have a time of being in familiar surroundings (a debriefing, destressing time)...and to touch base with your supporters and update them on the work that you are doing overseas.  So anyway...I knew after that experience that it was time for stability.  And I even sat Joel down and had a big heart-to-heart..."I cannot get on a plane back to Brazil until we have a place of our own here to come back to."

So for the next few months, along with literally traveling the country by car, we also actively pursued finding a place of our own as a home base here in the states.  The goal was to also have a home base of our own in Brazil very soon too...therefore limiting our travel and 'instability' to just traveling between those two homes.  This was not only to preserve our sanity :), but would also be very, very important for when we did adopt...providing as much stability and security to those children who needed it most in order to heal from whatever instability and insecurity they had experienced before they got to us.  It all made perfect sense for our family.  And so, at the end of May before we were scheduled to leave in July, a piece of property came open and we bought it.  There was no house...but at least a step had been taken.  And so, we got back on that plane to Brazil.

We got back to our rental home in Brazil, unpacked our house a bit (because when we leave for furlough, we have to pack up our house and stuff everything into a room or two so that others can live in the house while we are gone...financial and security reasons...they can pay rent for us and watch over the house), unpacked our suitcases, repacked our suitcases, repacked our house for yet others to stay there...and within less than a week, were on our way to southern Brazil (a 13 hour drive) for me to go to language school (that's right...I had just picked up the language as well as I could for the first 3 years we were there; now it was time for me to go to school).  We stayed there for 3 months and then headed back to our rental home in Anapolis to unpack again.  Which brings us to November 2010.

At that point, WHEEWWW.  ...And then we had a few months there again before things started getting really hard (Spring 2011). 

But, as you can see from that one little splice of our lives above from January 2010 - November 2010...which represents what our lives have been like constantly since we got married...it's been tough...always shifting and transitioning and moving.  Nothing still or stable or lasting. 

More to come on this subject next time...I don't want to make these posts too long.  So we'll pick up here next time (in a few days) in 'What Happened To Us, 2.' 

What I will be documenting here on this blog as we go along will include the rest of the story about what happened and how we got here to this spot in our marriage, what we've learned so far and I'll post what we continue to learn, how it has changed us...our beliefs that have changed (because there are lots of things for me that have changed in a drastic way) from all of this and our family dynamics and such, what we see happening in our future, etc, etc.  When you go through something like this, there is lots to learn.  I just want to document it all.  And if you want to read it and possibly even learn from our experiences too, then great.  If you want to read it just to know what's really going on with us...that is good enough reason too.  :)  In fact, that is also a big motivation for me, as I've stated here before...so you can 'hear it straight from the horse's mouth.'  I'll be the horse.  ;)  You’ll also hear from the boy horse (Joel) :) probably next blog post. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Until next time, with more of the story...

Joel. Michawn. {Part 2 - Detours}

First of all, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support after my last blog post.  I've been silent about this for literally years now...and it needed to be that way.  But, a couple of weeks ago, it was time to start talking...and I thank you for your grace and kindness and in many cases, for relaying your own stories too.  We are family after all, even you people who I don't know personally who visit this blog.  All part of the human family here on this earth...all moving and breathing and living together.  We might as well share and be a part of each others' lives.

As with anything, some days are better than others.  Most days are ok and filled with trying to get life back on track and back in order.  Things like homeschooling, focusing on a routine and health and feeding my family nourishing foods, making sure we get good sleep and enough of it, making sure we have clean clothes to wear, etc. etc.  You know, the usual things...but they are usual things that had fallen to the wayside (except for the clean clothes thing...we always had clean clothes :)) while I was just trying to survive.  Living in survival mode for years...guys, it just bites.  lol.  Truly, there's so much damage that can be done as a result...and so much damage that was done here in our lives.  So, climbing up from the pit of that...it just takes time. 

Unfortunately, as I am trying to do that, other things continue to come up.  We're only 2 months in after all.  We've had 2 months only of trying to climb up from that pit that was dug over the course of almost 3 years (that's a long time of digging).  So, during that 3 years, lots and lots happened.  Lots of harmful things.  Lots of harmful actions and mindsets and beliefs and attitudes.  Lots of very damaging words...and words don't just come from your tongue...they come from beliefs and your heart.  It's never just a matter of stopping your tongue (although that's a good first step).  The important root issue is your heart and your mind. 

Anyway, lots of damage.  So, in real life world, what that looks like is that for the past 2 months, something will come up an average of every 48 hours that we have to work through.  Something that is hurtful and hard and super crappy.  And this trend (something coming up every 48 hours) doesn't lend itself to getting life back on track and healthy and out of 'survival mode living' and back in a routine. 

But, because of that Labor Day Miracle, we are one again.  We are a team again.  And because of that, we can tackle it...together again. 

So, although it's super super hard, we march forward.  It will just take time. 

As we continue to talk and share, I'll share more detail.  But, I wanted to share one of the hardest things with you guys today.

Loss. 

Loss can be good.  A loss of weight, hey hey.  ;)  Weight loss is *usually* a good thing in most people's lives here in the good ole US of A, lol.  A loss of a stressful situation.  A loss of a burden, etc. 

But, mostly when we think of loss, it conjures up a negative connotation. 

These past few years have been full of loss for us.  I mentioned last blog post how we had just come up against 'level 10 trauma after level 10 trauma' in the past few years.  Some of those traumas involved major loss.  To name just a few losses the past few years...

--the loss of a sweet baby in 2011
--the loss of security and stability in the form of housing in brazil, that same year (the threat of our house being taken away before promised...that threat lasted for 7 months)
--the loss of the hope of getting pregnant again before we had to stop trying in order to prepare to return to the USA for furlough
--the loss of an adoption that we thought might happen that God said no to...after we had already spent a whole weekend with the kiddos (although that wasn't the way we wanted to do it...out of our control) and loved them greatly; the loss of 3 sweet, precious children in our lives; and an added bonus through all of that...becoming something that I hated (even though I know without a shadow of a doubt what God said about the situation)...someone who leaves behind children who love you (are already calling you 'mama') and need a home; ripped my heart out
--the loss of the stability of housing here in the states upon return
--the loss of close friends and family members due to death (everyone dies at some point, but there has been more loss for us these past few years than normal)
--the loss of trust in my marriage
--the loss of friendship in my marriage...the loss of a spouse, basically
--the loss of triplets that would have been placed in our laps to adopt (it was an urgent, guaranteed situation) had we been back in brazil as we planned/should have been
--the loss of routine and health and progression in every area of our lives
--the loss of another sweet baby in 2014
--the loss of family relationships

These are just to name a few. 

And none of it was within my control.  That was the ultimate hardest part. 

Loss of things I held dear and trusted would always be a certain way (the right and good way). 

Loss of who I was and had always been (a healthy, athletic, disciplined, fun, carefree, determined, young, successful homeschooling mama)...and always hoped to be (a fun mom; someone who championed healthy living and taking care of orphans, and being a mama to many....at least 5 bio kids was my hope, but at least adoption of several sweet kiddos and encouraging and helping others to do the same...that is, caring for orphans in some capacity; not to mention, one half of a stable, fun, 'easy' marriage...because yes, it had been 'easy,' relatively speaking, up until 3 years ago, because we were best friends and functioned as an incredible team). 

All that I have always held dear has literally been put on hold for 3+ years.  When, 3+ years ago, our lives seemed to be just following a path that would bring about those things hoped and dreamed for within the next few paces.  But it wasn't to be.  And it was all out of my control.  Not only did those things happen...things look drastically different now.  Will those things still happen, ever...and if so, how in the world?

I know I'm not the first.  I know that these issues of loss and lives not being what was planned and even felt called for by God...all of these things are not new.  They are age-old. 

Adam and Eve...disobedience landed them in a place they never imagined.  Abel...a good man who pleased God...yet he was slain by his brother.  He had no control over that.  Joseph...his life took quite the detour (several times) that he had no control over.  Age-old I say...starting with the very first people...all of those examples in the very first book of the Bible.  We can all think of many, many more examples throughout the ages, some which I will be talking about as we go along here. 

There's nothing new under the sun, guys.  And some of you have been waiting out your 'detours' (for some, self-made detours; for others, out of your control) for way more than 3+ years.  Detours are hard.  And finding yourself in a place where you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror (figurative mirror, nor literal) or your life doesn't look like you had hoped and planned or even how you thought God Himself wanted it...that's a really hard place.  And it could be that God Himself didn't want it this way.  Lots of times that is the case. 

It's hard.  And for us, our detour has even included a very literal detour of a whole different country and a whole different house and life (jolting to say the least).  But, no matter the circumstance of how you got where you are...and whether it was within your control or not...God has a plan in the detours.  What was meant for harm in our lives, He can (and will) turn for good. 

It's not a new life lesson.  I taught in a college/career class this very thing years ago...Joel and I were newlyweds at the time.  I had just seen a movie about Joseph...and this scene touched me like no other (and I used it in the teaching).  It touched me not because I was going through something like this at the time.  And definitely never something of this magnitude.  But because this is life.  And detours happen. 

Thank you for your prayers during this time of often having to deal with the things that continue to come up (the consequences and collateral damage of the past few years).  Thank you for your prayers during this time of focusing not on the detour and the things that aren't, leading to bitterness...but on how God will work it all out and turn it for good and bring about even grander things than we had hoped for. 

And be encouraged in your own life...that He really does know better.