The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We went over and over this with Joel in counseling.  Over and over this.  For years.  We talked with him about this concept of the stories we tell ourselves.

After so many years, the evidence of the truth was clear...and our counselor (and others) tried to help him to see the TRUTH instead of the 'story he was making up.'  He had zero evidence for the stories he told himself and others.  He still has zero evidence.  Yet, he tells the same stories...and people just believe him (until they talk to me and see the evidence; yet it's rare that someone actually talks to me and seeks out truth).  

Two things:  

1.  Something that happened our last Christmas in Brazil (we had just gotten some really bad news at that time, so it was already a hard time for me) came up the other day...Christmas 2011.  I had JUST unwrapped a gift from my aunt.  It was beautiful, and I had just gotten a glance at it when the kids got too rambunctious and broke it.  I got understandably upset.  Now, that kind of upset doesn't look like some of the 'upset' from some people I know...there was no yelling, no hitting, no cussing, no none of that.  But, I was upset, and I let the kids know that I was upset by just using my words.  It wasn't pretty and tidy and 'happy.'  What did Joel do?  He was about to stop our video camera (we recorded all of our Christmas mornings) and erase that part.  Hadley, esp., remembers that incident, but she didn't remember that Joel part.  I told that part the other day when it came up and she was like, "Whoa, foreshadowing."  I told him then..."Look, I'm upset.  But, we'll get through it, it will be resolved, and we don't have to hide real life from our videos.  It's fine.  Why would you want to erase that?"  Hadley's absolutely right...major foreshadowing.

A decade of that same sort of behavior.  And then...

2.  Skip to Christmas this past year, just a month ago...the week of Christmas 2021.  He posted about the girls.  Each of them commented on his post...comments that told the truth about how they feel, comments that were NOT flattering to him or the image that he fights to protect at all costs.  What did he do?  He hid his daughters' comments.  He silenced them on his page.  It didn't line up with what he wants the world to think of him.  It didn't line up with what he himself thinks of himself.  So...he erased it.  He erased their words and their feelings and their thoughts.  He acted like it never happened, like he never read those words.  And then he continued to ask our counselor to ask the girls how they really feel and help him to understand them (as if the girls and our counselor haven't already told him these things, and tried to help him understand for years already).  He REFUSES to actually hear and take in the things he doesn't want to hear...the things that don't align with the image he has of himself.

It's what he does.  He is so committed to the image that he has of himself, and the stories he tells himself, he has lost EVERYTHING.  Everything.  

Brené Brown's 'number one life hack' for lasting relationships:
https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8?fbclid=IwAR0PzuGb1uAy3nHNhm3LP_ZzeYmq6BlZPt-2JpulKonmSv4zppwjZIPUt60

  

Why Do You Believe Him...With Zero Evidence?

(Português abaixo)

I heard someone close to Joel say, just yesterday, that I was his best friend, the perfect person for him, and that they too thought I was just an amazing girl...until I developed that mental illness.  

Actually, this was the direct quote:  "Joel and Michawn were perfect for each other before she became crazy.  Michawn was an amazing person, before this mental illness entered her head."  

While I know that he has people convinced that I am not just 'crazy' in the layperson's way of saying it, but that I literally have been diagnosed with a mental illness...it's just still so unbelievable to hear it.  And these people have just taken him at his word.  

It's like our counselor says to him over and over again, "Joel, just because you have convinced yourself that something is true doesn't make it true.  Where is your evidence?  Show us your evidence for what you say."  Never once has he presented any evidence for *anything* he claims, including this mental illness claim.  

The way this person said what they said yesterday, so nonchalantly, so matter of fact, like me having a mental illness was just FACT and what ruined our marriage/family...like it was understood by everyone and nobody had ever refuted that claim or questioned it...truly baffling.

But also, the question I always come back to...

If I did have a mental illness, Joel and his family's answer was to just abandon me?  Their answer was to talk bad about me?  What happened to the vows that say we're supposed to love in SICKNESS and in health?  I *was* sick...physically...and needed to be taken care of.  But, they didn't believe me or want to do that.  So, they made up this mental illness story.

If they are actually people who follow Jesus, how would any of this be ok with them?  

People who might read this who are still believing this story that I am 'crazy'...why do you believe that?  Where is your evidence?

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Eu ouvi alguém próximo a Joel dizer, só ontem, que eu era melhor amigo do Joel, a pessoa perfeita para ele, e que essa pessoa também achavam que eu era uma garota incrível...até que eu desenvolvi essa doença mental.

Na verdade, a citação direta foi: "Joel e Michawn eram perfeitos um para o outro antes de ela ficou doida. Michawn era uma pessoa ótima, antes dessa loucura entrou na cabeça dela."

Embora eu saiba que ele tem as pessoas convencidas de que eu não sou apenas 'louca' na maneira informal de dizer isso, mas que eu literalmente fui diagnosticado com uma doença mental...ainda é tão inacreditável ouvir isso. E essas pessoas acabaram de acreditar em sua palavra.

É como se nossa conselheira lhe dissesse repetidamente: "Joel, só porque você se convenceu de que algo é verdade não significa que seja verdade. Onde está sua evidência? Mostre-nos sua evidência para o que você diz." Nunca uma vez ele apresentou qualquer evidência de *qualquer coisa* que ele afirme, incluindo essa alegação de doença mental.

A maneira como essa pessoa disse o que disse ontem, tão despreocupadamente, tão de fato, como se eu tivesse uma doença mental era apenas FATO e o que arruinou nosso casamento/família...como se fosse entendido por todos e ninguém jamais refutou essa afirmação, ou questionou...realmente desconcertante.

Mas também, a pergunta que eu sempre volto...

Se eu tivesse mesmo uma doença mental, a resposta do Joel e família dele era simplesmente me abandonar? A resposta deles foi falar mal de mim? O que aconteceu com os votos que dizem que devemos amar na DOENÇA e na saúde? Eu *estava* doente...fisicamente...e precisava de cuidados. Mas, eles não acreditaram em mim ou querem fazer isso. Então, eles inventaram essa história de doença mental.

Se eles são realmente pessoas que seguem a Jesus, como isso seria bom para eles?

As pessoas que podem ler isso que ainda estão acreditando nessa história de que eu sou 'louca'...por que você acredita nisso? Onde está sua evidência?

We MUST Live in Truth...We Must

This comment was left on one of Joel's posts.  For those of you who know Portuguese, wow.  Whoever this person is...they're pissed.  I don't personally agree with all that they say, but some do.  If you don't know Port. and want to know what it says, stick it in Translator.  I won't be translating it here.

But, that doesn't even matter all that much.  The moral of this story is Joel's responses.  You will notice the same exact pattern, the same pattern that has happened every single day of my life since 2012. Accusations, blame, lies upon lies upon lies, the twisting and distortion of truth.

And then truth spoken and defended, thank God (pay close attention to our counselor's words; words that Joel has been told in order to try to help him for years).  

Truth is paramount.  It must be defended.  Truth must win.  So, we will just keep proclaiming it and defending it...and hopefully more and more people will see the truth in this situation, and join us in defending it.