We're Trying to Help - Why Toxic and Abusive?

I would ask that for those of you who have already made up your mind about me, some of you years ago, and already set in your heart and mind what is true here about this situation...open your mind and heart.  Listen to the FACTS.  I am HAPPY to share with you even further facts of this situation, the documents that contain all the correspondence between Joel and his family of origin (his family of choice) and me, the timeline of events, etc. 

I am telling you...what Joel and his family of choice believe is utterly twisted and skewed and wrong. 

Why does it matter?  Because truth matters.  Because truth is all we have.  And I will never stop defending the truth.

And, in defending the truth, I protect my children who are VERY MUCH AFFECTED by their father not living in truth. 

So...be open and seek truth. 

Moving on to today's post...

Another comment that was later added to the FB post shown in my last blog post here was from someone who really wanted to be for Joel, and was for a long time.  He felt bad for him and just assumed that I was going too far and making too much of everything.  He felt that way, he told me, UNTIL he recently read what Joel's family had done (in their own words).   

This was his comment...

*****************

I think that seeing/hearing someone say for years that a group of people has caused them distress, heartache, fear, humiliation, grief, etc... and then sending a photo of yourself with those people to the person who has expressed these feelings, is sick. Imagine if you had a best friend and you knew that another group of people who were cool with you but bullied your best friend wanted to hang out. So you do. The humiliation and embarrassment your best friend would feel knowing that you were with that group would be overwhelming. Then to send a picture of all of you together... it’s salt in the wound. It’s more than salt in the would. It’s cold and calculated. It seems as though you’re thinking “watch guys let me get her really pissed off!” Or “hey watch how crazy this bitch is”. It’s mean. And then to get on here and be like “golly I sure thought one picture of all of us together would fix years and years of me fu*king up!” Yea ok. I reeaaaaally wanted to have your back and see your side of things, because I too am flaky and can see some of me in you but I am really disgusted by this. You need to re-evaluate hard. And I’m not talking about finding out what you can do to make your marriage work, find out what part of you is so damaged that you thought it would be funny to humiliate and demean your wife with your parents and siblings. It would be better to just leave with no explanation.

******************

This is all so good.  I so love that as I continue to just speak truth and show the evidence (consistently and without fail), people have seen the truth themselves.  The truth will ALWAYS win.  Truth = light.  You cannot hide in the dark when the light is just relentless about shining.

Now, I personally know that Joel isn't outrightly thinking it's 'funny to humiliate and demean me with his parents and siblings.'  They are ALL seriously really just clueless.  They ALL think they seriously aren't doing anything wrong.  Truly.  Joel and his family of origin, according to them, are just continuing to live their Godly lives, hoping and praying that I will 'wake up' and 'forgive.'  Joel reminds me of that often.  That he and his family of origin are all just wonderful, loving people who would love to have me back with them if I want to be with them.  All I have to do is do away with my boundaries.  They are waiting there with open arms. 

Sigh.

Yes, that is what a *husband* is saying to his *wife* about the people who treated her like TRASH for years. And STILL do.

After the above comment on that FB post, there was another one.  I used it as a springboard for another post.  This is it...

*******************

*Everyone, so much education in this post about what happens, how, and why. So much.

Joel, read this comment left this morning on another post...

~Michawn, I can tell from reading many of things you said that you really want to help Joel see and hear and change. But he has made it very clear that is not going to happen. It’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he doesn’t care. You cannot change an abuser. No amount of you begging, providing evidence, etc is going to get him to change. The gaslighting is part of the abuse. He is doing it on purpose. He can’t change because he won’t change because he doesn’t want to change because abusers enjoy abusing.~

This is what people say and believe about you. And they say it because it is true...or, you give them ZERO indication of why they should believe anything different. So...what are you going to do about that?

So far, you just counter it with "They just don't know me." The problem, Joel, is that you give them every reason to believe this. They DO know you enough to see what is happening and make this call.

Because here is the bottom line truth...

*If you didn't enjoy abusing then when someone points out to you "this is abuse" then you wouldn't say to yourself "this isn't abuse, they just don't know me" and keep doing it. 

*When people say to you, "what you are doing is the opposite of loving...it is harmful and abusive"...you just decide not to believe them and instead of listening, learning, growing, changing, you defend yourself and gaslight (just more abuse).

*When people are saying to you that putting your family of origin over me and the kids is WRONG and there is absolutely no way to interpret Scripture or even just basic human decency in a way that makes it right...and yet you insist on doing it proclaiming "these people just don't know"...Joel, how do you not understand how very toxic and unteachable and abusive that is?

There is something about abusing that you enjoy. Even if it is less sadistic than "I like to hurt her" and more about the fact that you enjoy getting your way. You've said in counseling and elsewhere that you want things to just be how they were, you want people to think so highly of you and always see you as that light/happy/carefree person, you like to please people (except me...I should just follow along in how you want to please others, and I should just want to please you enough to do that), you have a high view of yourself in that you are just a happy, carefree, uncomplicated, peaceful person...and you so enjoy that way of life. So, to 'give all that up' and NOT 1) continue to get your way as far as extended relationships, and NOT 2) be able to hold on to who you believe yourself to be instead of a) believing what every healthy person around you is telling you, and b) learning, growing, changing to become better, healthy, safe...you don't want to do it.

In your case, THAT is what you enjoy. Not giving up the things you don't want to give up. Not giving in and listening and learning, growing and changing into a healthy and safe person. You 'enjoy' holding on to what you have always believed, and VERY KEY...what your family of origin believes. It's home to you. It's comforting, it doesn't require any change from you (in fact, it vilifies those who would think you need to change).

It's not that you 'enjoy' hurting me. But, it doesn't hurt you to hurt me at ALL. And you continue, since 2012, to believe that the things that hurt me shouldn't hurt me, or that the things that you do that hurt me are just 'innocent mistakes' on your part (which is YEARS past being true).

As we've told you over and over and over again, never ever changing our stance and words...it starts in your heart and core beliefs. When your core is toxic and abusive, and you refuse to even BELIEVE what people tell you about how that core is toxic and abusive, of COURSE these things are going to keep happening (all these things that you see as 'innocent mistakes'). You're continuing to talk about the picture. And we're saying the picture incident is just a mere representative of what has happened millions of times since 2012, and what will continue to happen without fail, until you change or die. Why? Because your core beliefs are toxic and abusive. And you REFUSE to listen to ALL the people who are trying to tell you that and help you to change that toxic and abusive core...so that you can stop the abuse.

Joel, what happens with normal healthy people is that if they see that something they have done hurts someone, they don't just not ever do that one thing again (sending a hurtful picture, for instance), they look at their core and change whatever it is in their core that made that hurtful action possible...so that not only do they not do that one thing, but nothing LIKE that ever happens again.

What was it that made this toxic, abusive act of sending me that picture (because after all these years, it is not something that is just 'hurtful'...it is abusive) even possible? I'll tell you...and you need to listen and believe me. There are a couple of things...

1. Even just simply-speaking, what hurts me doesn't hurt you. Never has since 2012. You DON'T care about what hurts me (and they are things that would hurt anyone...so don't try to turn it into an "everything hurts you" thing because that is not true). You don't try to shield me from the things that hurt me...quite the opposite, literally.

2. No matter how many times and for how many years we (me, our counselor, so many others now) tell you that you and your family of origin are being abusive and unsafe, you refuse to believe us. You continue to clap back with "we aren't who you say we are" no matter the evidence and truth (and the void of evidence you have to back up what you say).

So...of COURSE with this truly 'innocent' view of your family that resides in your core, and the fact that in your core resides no pain when I feel pain, you would send that picture with no problem.

And for these reasons, things like this will just continue. And you will claim innocence and bewilderment when I'm hurt and others call it abuse.

The answer, as always, is to change your core. Don't like being called abusive, and even worse, people saying that you ENJOY being abusive? Then change your core and stop being abusive.

*********************

There is SO MUCH truth there.  Why does Joel (and his family of origin) continue to be toxic and abusive?  Here are your answers.

Are there many other factors involved here?  Yes.  Many I've already talked about and will probably talk about more.  Things like beliefs about family and forgiveness and marriage and gender roles, etc.  But, when you get down to the bottom layer, these two reasons sum up what is behind the continued abuse in my specific situation.