Taught to Abuse

When Joel first became unhappy with me and the promise (he had made to me all on his own without me asking), his instinct, his first action, was not to come to me and talk with me about it like a grown adult in a marriage relationship of 11 happy years.  Instead, he went to his parents and complained about me, badmouthed me, and lied about me.  He continued to do that, adding in his siblings, for months before I even knew that there was a problem.  He didn't come to me.  He went elsewhere.  

That is HIGHLY problematic.  It is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense (we'd never had a problem working things out between us...why did he go to them and keep me in the dark about there even being a problem?).   It is also the epitome of wrong in a marriage.  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  He had stopped cleaving to me (if he ever really did) already...even before I knew anything was wrong.  

Sadly, they didn't say to him, "Son, you need to cleave to your wife.  Does she know that you are coming to us and saying bad things about her?"  Or, "Brother, have you tried to work this out with her?  Have you been completely honest with her?  Or are you coming to us without her even knowing that anything is wrong?"  

Instead, you can read here about what happened initially, and the catastrophic events that kept happening regarding his family, one after the other, for years (and it continues to this day).

It is sad and wrong that Joel's #1 priority was his family of origin, that he sought to please them first and foremost.  It is sad and wrong that he always did whatever they said.  But, if his father (Joel's primary mentor; who he sadly listens to most in this world) had at least had a good theology and belief system regarding marriage, maybe we would have had a fighting chance.  Instead, as you can see, he taught the opposite of what is healthy in marriage.  He told Joel to leave me, to abandon me, to not meet my needs, and to focus on what he wanted.  He told Joel that no matter what, I was supposed to follow him.  He told Joel that it was my fault that all this was happening, and that I had given myself over to the devil.  

Do you know what you call not meeting a loved one's needs, neglecting them, and choosing to continue to hurt them when you've been told that you are causing them extreme pain?  That's called abuse.  

Joel chose to abuse me.  But, not only that...he was taught to abuse me.  

The following needs to be taught from the rooftops. 

THE CHURCH HAS TO CHANGE!!  The false theology is destroying families!!

Read this, learn, grow, change, and teach it to everyone around you.

From Patrick Weaver Ministries...

Dear Abuser,

Once a man abuses a woman, he is immediately disconnected from God…”His prayers are hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). I know, somebody is going to ask, “What about women who abuse men?” I didn’t say that women don’t abuse men or that women get a free pass, I’m specifically talking to men. You see, the church routinely subjects women to false theology that obligates them to submit to their abusive husbands — contrary to God’s word.

This false theology disregards the fact that when the Bible refers to submission in a marriage it isn’t speaking to abusive husbands, and secondly, divine submission is reciprocal, and it is evidenced by behavior that deeply and profoundly respects Christ: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The lie that women are often told is that submission is one-way — from a wife to a husband, and submission is Godly even if the husband’s behavior is ungodly. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.

Toxic patriarchy has so confused the abused, misled the mistreated and ostracized the oppressed, that abuse victims, women, are often led to believe that God ordained their suffering at the hands of an abuser, and that submission to an abuser is their Godly responsibility…their good Christian duty. Another patriarchal lie from the pit of hell.

Your abuse is not your wife’s portion, purpose or God’s plan. Her relationship with God is superior to her relationship with you. Honoring God by guarding her temple is superior to tolerating your abuse. And let’s be clear, you are not submitted to your wife as the Bible tells you to be if you are abusing her. Your submission is clearly required (Ephesians 5:21), and the behavior that evidences your submission is clearly defined by God: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29). There is no way that God’s covenant instructions for a husband agree with any kind of abuse of a wife — emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. How in the heck can abuse agree with, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”?

I’m speaking to men, specifically, because men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that an abusive wife is a godly wife. Men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that a wife who abuses her husband is to be tolerated, placated, or “submitted” to. Men in the church have never been told that a godly wife can also be an abuser. Men in the church are taught: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4), and, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9).

See, the toxic, false patriarchal teaching that is so rampant in the church concerning God’s will and word regarding an abusive husband creates an unholy imbalance of power, which has aided you, the abuser, in believing that God gives you authority to be your wife’s Pharaoh — as opposed to the responsibility to love her as Christ loves the church.

Her Savior is her example of how she’s supposed to be loved and treated in a marriage…”Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” At no time did Christ abuse the church. It’s not her job or calling to fix you. It’s not her assignment to love you more or to submit more to stop you from abusing her. The reward for abuse is not a wife. The reward for abuse, is you being removed from her life.