Joel. Michawn. {Part 41 - The End}

We head out today to try.  I'm going to try...one more time.

There's a counselor in Dallas we heard about last year.  He is, supposedly, really good.  From the things I've heard about him and from him, I do actually have hope despite my hideous experiences with counselors so far.  Maybe I'm just gullible...we'll see.  

The first thing that made me think, ok...I might like this guy:  Someone told me how he has said that it is hard for him to find and go to a church...because of the things that are taught and believed there.  I was like, yes!...this guy is no-nonsense...and he's not afraid to go against the grain.  He is not religious...he's real.  And he can cut through all the BS...and get to what's really going on.

That is the impression I've gotten anyway.  But...I had high hopes and had heard great things about the last counselor we went to too, and we see how that went.  So...I'm not getting my hopes up too high.

I did ask him three things before I even agreed to go.  I had to make sure he had no male bias, he didn't believe in the 'shared responsibility lie,' and he was egalitarian.  He answered all to my satisfaction...for instance, he said that he takes all couples back to creation, the ideal, before the fall.  Great egalitarian answer.  

But...we'll see.  I'm skeptical, as anyone with my experiences in the past 3 ½ years would be.  

This is the end, though.  I've reached the point where, if Joel is not held accountable and some growth and mentoring him out of this is done this week, it will be time to move on.  

A friend of mine, who has realized, within the past month as everything has come out, just how deep the issues go and what exactly has happened here...she said to me tonight, "He has ruined y'all's marriage!"  And he has.  It's time for someone to actually hold him accountable.  

For a long time, even during this past year when I've been blogging about it, I was still protecting him.  I was still never quite telling everything that was happening in the present as I typed.  I was still telling all about what had happened in the past to get us to this point...so, the things that were happening in the here and now weren't really being told completely.  

So, now you see what it was like, even in this past year.  Now you see how much pressure he put on me to 'make it right' with his family...when I had already tried.  How much pressure I had all around me from lots of people...attacks and covert operations, basically...and nobody to protect me and take care of me.  Now you see the depths of everything that happened in April...and now, as of the beginning of July, what we know about that was happening all along.  

I have literally been all alone.  I have three good real-life friends still.  Three.  lol.  Three people that I can talk to, that get it, and that are for me.  But, even they aren't in a position to protect me and take care of me.  

It's been rough.  Some have said, "What are you going to do?  Why are you still with him?"  Those are incredibly legitimate questions, obviously.  Here's a reply to those thoughts (originally posted in a comment thread on Facebook a couple of weeks ago)...

i just want to share that the *only* reason i haven't left at this point is that, truthfully, joel has always been a teachable person actually. in this instance, not teachable by me obviously. but, i just keep thinking that if *anyone* would just speak the actual truth to him...it could turn things around. i kid you not when i say that the message he got (included in the comment above) is literally all he's heard throughout all of this. if *anyone* came to him and told him that what he was doing is wrong instead of 1) blaming me, 2) coddling him in his sin, 3) saying he has had a right to do all of this because he is the head, and/or 4) insisting on shared responsibility...i truly do think he would listen. but i promise...that hasn't happened. 

oh, *i* get messages and emails. he sees comments here. 

but, his beliefs are deeply rooted. it would take more than someone sending *me* a message disapproving of his actions or him seeing comments. it would take someone literally walking through this with him...walking him out of his wrong set of beliefs and into the right ones. a mentor. 

he doesn't have that. the ones he's always had believes in 1) him being the head, 2) shared responsibility, and 3) how i'm so wrong in how i've handled *his* sin...and blame me for how it continues to go.

truly though...he's always been teachable. i really do still believe he would still be teachable. it would take LOTS of work...and lots of renewing of his mind. but, i think he could/would do it. truly. that's the only thing that still has me here. we're at the end though. if it doesn't happen soon, we'll get the divorce.

all he ever hears from his 'friends' are things like that message that was sent to him today. if he doesn't hear something else soon and isn't able to change his ways, we'll call it quits.

So, either way, we're at the end.  Either this counselor will be truly God-sent and he will speak truth into Joel's life and hold him accountable (or God will divinely send someone else to do that this week) and start mentoring him out of his sin.  Or...we'll start the steps in the other direction.

I now have peace about either one.  Sad to think about the latter.  But even sadder to think about continuing to live like this.  Because living like this is literally killing me...literally.  So...I have peace.

The counseling we are going to is an intensive week-long counseling.  We will meet with him 20-25 hours this week.  We will be gone the whole week, so please be praying for us and the counseling of course, but also for our kids (and us in their absence)...this is the longest we've ever been apart and I'm hating every minute of it already and it hasn't even started yet.  :(

Pray for open hearts and open minds.  Pray that this counselor truly isn't like the rest have been.  Pray for energy and strength, especially for me...I am so exhausted and energy-depleted and beaten down already, and going into a week like this is a bit overwhelming...esp. considering how beaten up by counselors I've been in the past.  So please pray for me in that.

Pray for real, deep, root issues to be identified right away and dug out by the roots and killed!!

I can't imagine that I will be blogging.  Who knows what the future holds...even this week.  But, just plan on not hearing from me again for a while...then whenever you do hear from me, it will be a surprise.  :)

Until then...just pray.  Thank you.

xoxo