The Truth of What Was Said and Done to Me

Easter

Our last happy Easter together as a family, before the betrayal, lies, and abuse started.

What a beautiful family and life he discarded so easily. SO easily.

Education, friends...that is what abusers do. They discard people...easily. They don't fight for the people they claim to love...they demand their entitled way, and then if that is not successful, they lie and walk away.

Just a picture of what he had, and what he threw away because he prioritized himself and his family of origin.

If that doesn't make sense to you, join the club. It doesn't make sense. What abusers do doesn't make sense.

Taught to Abuse

When Joel first became unhappy with me and the promise (he had made to me all on his own without me asking), his instinct, his first action, was not to come to me and talk with me about it like a grown adult in a marriage relationship of 11 happy years.  Instead, he went to his parents and complained about me, badmouthed me, and lied about me.  He continued to do that, adding in his siblings, for months before I even knew that there was a problem.  He didn't come to me.  He went elsewhere.  

That is HIGHLY problematic.  It is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense (we'd never had a problem working things out between us...why did he go to them and keep me in the dark about there even being a problem?).   It is also the epitome of wrong in a marriage.  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  He had stopped cleaving to me (if he ever really did) already...even before I knew anything was wrong.  

Sadly, they didn't say to him, "Son, you need to cleave to your wife.  Does she know that you are coming to us and saying bad things about her?"  Or, "Brother, have you tried to work this out with her?  Have you been completely honest with her?  Or are you coming to us without her even knowing that anything is wrong?"  

Instead, you can read here about what happened initially, and the catastrophic events that kept happening regarding his family, one after the other, for years (and it continues to this day).

It is sad and wrong that Joel's #1 priority was his family of origin, that he sought to please them first and foremost.  It is sad and wrong that he always did whatever they said.  But, if his father (Joel's primary mentor; who he sadly listens to most in this world) had at least had a good theology and belief system regarding marriage, maybe we would have had a fighting chance.  Instead, as you can see, he taught the opposite of what is healthy in marriage.  He told Joel to leave me, to abandon me, to not meet my needs, and to focus on what he wanted.  He told Joel that no matter what, I was supposed to follow him.  He told Joel that it was my fault that all this was happening, and that I had given myself over to the devil.  

Do you know what you call not meeting a loved one's needs, neglecting them, and choosing to continue to hurt them when you've been told that you are causing them extreme pain?  That's called abuse.  

Joel chose to abuse me.  But, not only that...he was taught to abuse me.  

The following needs to be taught from the rooftops. 

THE CHURCH HAS TO CHANGE!!  The false theology is destroying families!!

Read this, learn, grow, change, and teach it to everyone around you.

From Patrick Weaver Ministries...

Dear Abuser,

Once a man abuses a woman, he is immediately disconnected from God…”His prayers are hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). I know, somebody is going to ask, “What about women who abuse men?” I didn’t say that women don’t abuse men or that women get a free pass, I’m specifically talking to men. You see, the church routinely subjects women to false theology that obligates them to submit to their abusive husbands — contrary to God’s word.

This false theology disregards the fact that when the Bible refers to submission in a marriage it isn’t speaking to abusive husbands, and secondly, divine submission is reciprocal, and it is evidenced by behavior that deeply and profoundly respects Christ: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The lie that women are often told is that submission is one-way — from a wife to a husband, and submission is Godly even if the husband’s behavior is ungodly. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.

Toxic patriarchy has so confused the abused, misled the mistreated and ostracized the oppressed, that abuse victims, women, are often led to believe that God ordained their suffering at the hands of an abuser, and that submission to an abuser is their Godly responsibility…their good Christian duty. Another patriarchal lie from the pit of hell.

Your abuse is not your wife’s portion, purpose or God’s plan. Her relationship with God is superior to her relationship with you. Honoring God by guarding her temple is superior to tolerating your abuse. And let’s be clear, you are not submitted to your wife as the Bible tells you to be if you are abusing her. Your submission is clearly required (Ephesians 5:21), and the behavior that evidences your submission is clearly defined by God: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29). There is no way that God’s covenant instructions for a husband agree with any kind of abuse of a wife — emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. How in the heck can abuse agree with, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”?

I’m speaking to men, specifically, because men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that an abusive wife is a godly wife. Men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that a wife who abuses her husband is to be tolerated, placated, or “submitted” to. Men in the church have never been told that a godly wife can also be an abuser. Men in the church are taught: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4), and, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9).

See, the toxic, false patriarchal teaching that is so rampant in the church concerning God’s will and word regarding an abusive husband creates an unholy imbalance of power, which has aided you, the abuser, in believing that God gives you authority to be your wife’s Pharaoh — as opposed to the responsibility to love her as Christ loves the church.

Her Savior is her example of how she’s supposed to be loved and treated in a marriage…”Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” At no time did Christ abuse the church. It’s not her job or calling to fix you. It’s not her assignment to love you more or to submit more to stop you from abusing her. The reward for abuse is not a wife. The reward for abuse, is you being removed from her life.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We went over and over this with Joel in counseling.  Over and over this.  For years.  We talked with him about this concept of the stories we tell ourselves.

After so many years, the evidence of the truth was clear...and our counselor (and others) tried to help him to see the TRUTH instead of the 'story he was making up.'  He had zero evidence for the stories he told himself and others.  He still has zero evidence.  Yet, he tells the same stories...and people just believe him (until they talk to me and see the evidence; yet it's rare that someone actually talks to me and seeks out truth).  

Two things:  

1.  Something that happened our last Christmas in Brazil (we had just gotten some really bad news at that time, so it was already a hard time for me) came up the other day...Christmas 2011.  I had JUST unwrapped a gift from my aunt.  It was beautiful, and I had just gotten a glance at it when the kids got too rambunctious and broke it.  I got understandably upset.  Now, that kind of upset doesn't look like some of the 'upset' from some people I know...there was no yelling, no hitting, no cussing, no none of that.  But, I was upset, and I let the kids know that I was upset by just using my words.  It wasn't pretty and tidy and 'happy.'  What did Joel do?  He was about to stop our video camera (we recorded all of our Christmas mornings) and erase that part.  Hadley, esp., remembers that incident, but she didn't remember that Joel part.  I told that part the other day when it came up and she was like, "Whoa, foreshadowing."  I told him then..."Look, I'm upset.  But, we'll get through it, it will be resolved, and we don't have to hide real life from our videos.  It's fine.  Why would you want to erase that?"  Hadley's absolutely right...major foreshadowing.

A decade of that same sort of behavior.  And then...

2.  Skip to Christmas this past year, just a month ago...the week of Christmas 2021.  He posted about the girls.  Each of them commented on his post...comments that told the truth about how they feel, comments that were NOT flattering to him or the image that he fights to protect at all costs.  What did he do?  He hid his daughters' comments.  He silenced them on his page.  It didn't line up with what he wants the world to think of him.  It didn't line up with what he himself thinks of himself.  So...he erased it.  He erased their words and their feelings and their thoughts.  He acted like it never happened, like he never read those words.  And then he continued to ask our counselor to ask the girls how they really feel and help him to understand them (as if the girls and our counselor haven't already told him these things, and tried to help him understand for years already).  He REFUSES to actually hear and take in the things he doesn't want to hear...the things that don't align with the image he has of himself.

It's what he does.  He is so committed to the image that he has of himself, and the stories he tells himself, he has lost EVERYTHING.  Everything.  

Brené Brown's 'number one life hack' for lasting relationships:
https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8?fbclid=IwAR0PzuGb1uAy3nHNhm3LP_ZzeYmq6BlZPt-2JpulKonmSv4zppwjZIPUt60

  

Why Do You Believe Him...With Zero Evidence?

(Português abaixo)

I heard someone close to Joel say, just yesterday, that I was his best friend, the perfect person for him, and that they too thought I was just an amazing girl...until I developed that mental illness.  

Actually, this was the direct quote:  "Joel and Michawn were perfect for each other before she became crazy.  Michawn was an amazing person, before this mental illness entered her head."  

While I know that he has people convinced that I am not just 'crazy' in the layperson's way of saying it, but that I literally have been diagnosed with a mental illness...it's just still so unbelievable to hear it.  And these people have just taken him at his word.  

It's like our counselor says to him over and over again, "Joel, just because you have convinced yourself that something is true doesn't make it true.  Where is your evidence?  Show us your evidence for what you say."  Never once has he presented any evidence for *anything* he claims, including this mental illness claim.  

The way this person said what they said yesterday, so nonchalantly, so matter of fact, like me having a mental illness was just FACT and what ruined our marriage/family...like it was understood by everyone and nobody had ever refuted that claim or questioned it...truly baffling.

But also, the question I always come back to...

If I did have a mental illness, Joel and his family's answer was to just abandon me?  Their answer was to talk bad about me?  What happened to the vows that say we're supposed to love in SICKNESS and in health?  I *was* sick...physically...and needed to be taken care of.  But, they didn't believe me or want to do that.  So, they made up this mental illness story.

If they are actually people who follow Jesus, how would any of this be ok with them?  

People who might read this who are still believing this story that I am 'crazy'...why do you believe that?  Where is your evidence?

----------------------

Eu ouvi alguém próximo a Joel dizer, só ontem, que eu era melhor amigo do Joel, a pessoa perfeita para ele, e que essa pessoa também achavam que eu era uma garota incrível...até que eu desenvolvi essa doença mental.

Na verdade, a citação direta foi: "Joel e Michawn eram perfeitos um para o outro antes de ela ficou doida. Michawn era uma pessoa ótima, antes dessa loucura entrou na cabeça dela."

Embora eu saiba que ele tem as pessoas convencidas de que eu não sou apenas 'louca' na maneira informal de dizer isso, mas que eu literalmente fui diagnosticado com uma doença mental...ainda é tão inacreditável ouvir isso. E essas pessoas acabaram de acreditar em sua palavra.

É como se nossa conselheira lhe dissesse repetidamente: "Joel, só porque você se convenceu de que algo é verdade não significa que seja verdade. Onde está sua evidência? Mostre-nos sua evidência para o que você diz." Nunca uma vez ele apresentou qualquer evidência de *qualquer coisa* que ele afirme, incluindo essa alegação de doença mental.

A maneira como essa pessoa disse o que disse ontem, tão despreocupadamente, tão de fato, como se eu tivesse uma doença mental era apenas FATO e o que arruinou nosso casamento/família...como se fosse entendido por todos e ninguém jamais refutou essa afirmação, ou questionou...realmente desconcertante.

Mas também, a pergunta que eu sempre volto...

Se eu tivesse mesmo uma doença mental, a resposta do Joel e família dele era simplesmente me abandonar? A resposta deles foi falar mal de mim? O que aconteceu com os votos que dizem que devemos amar na DOENÇA e na saúde? Eu *estava* doente...fisicamente...e precisava de cuidados. Mas, eles não acreditaram em mim ou querem fazer isso. Então, eles inventaram essa história de doença mental.

Se eles são realmente pessoas que seguem a Jesus, como isso seria bom para eles?

As pessoas que podem ler isso que ainda estão acreditando nessa história de que eu sou 'louca'...por que você acredita nisso? Onde está sua evidência?

We MUST Live in Truth...We Must

This comment was left on one of Joel's posts.  For those of you who know Portuguese, wow.  Whoever this person is...they're pissed.  I don't personally agree with all that they say, but some do.  If you don't know Port. and want to know what it says, stick it in Translator.  I won't be translating it here.

But, that doesn't even matter all that much.  The moral of this story is Joel's responses.  You will notice the same exact pattern, the same pattern that has happened every single day of my life since 2012. Accusations, blame, lies upon lies upon lies, the twisting and distortion of truth.

And then truth spoken and defended, thank God (pay close attention to our counselor's words; words that Joel has been told in order to try to help him for years).  

Truth is paramount.  It must be defended.  Truth must win.  So, we will just keep proclaiming it and defending it...and hopefully more and more people will see the truth in this situation, and join us in defending it.  

Other Voices...Will You Listen? Will You Care?

Nobody has ever really heard from my girls personally.  And of course none of the people who blindly support Joel have asked them their thoughts or feelings, or sought anything out from them at all.  The girls OFTEN say, "What about us?  What do these people think about us...about how we feel and think?  Do they just not care?"  

They saw the post their father made about them.  And, they've left things alone and not commented or talked on other things.  But, this was different.  It was about them specifically.  They wanted to comment and put their voices out there...so they did.

He responded by silencing those voices.  He responded by deleting their words and saying in his best politician font that he wanted to resolve this in a healthy manner with our counselor...which we have already tried to do many times with him over the years.  He knows what will be said...he never listens or cares enough to do what is needed.  But, he wanted to save face there on his post. There's been no more communication since.  

As someone said, "So sad that he is more worried about how people perceive him than the feelings of his daughters."  

What did he post next?  A joke.  A funny meme. 

This is who he is. This is apparently what his followers (who include people who used to be MY friends and family) like...and they don't seem to see a thing wrong with it. He comments after his daughters bare their souls on his post with a blanket "We'll handle this with our counselor in a healthy manner"...and then he posts a joke, like nothing in the world is wrong in his life. The people who are in his life (the ones who abandoned me and my kids) apparently see nothing wrong with that. They prefer it.

How is this so?  

Do you even care?  Maybe you hate me, but how can you abandon and dismiss the kids?  

Christmas 2021

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  Not Christmas with joy anyway. Not the normal Christmas feelings...light and exciting and filled with joy. There are fleeting moments of that...and that's gotten us through.  I scheduled very cool Christmas-y things all throughout the month in preparation for these feelings for us this year.  And I did that even before 'the announcement' (and the way it was done) happened at the beginning of the month.  I did that before the fallout that's happened since then all around us.  

So there have been glimpses of joy.  But even in those activities, there is still a profound sadness about the reality we live in.  PROFOUND sadness.  An ache that just doesn't leave.  

A few of you have sent gifts to us this season, knowing that this was the case.  You know who you are.  I'm so emotional, tears flowing, just thinking of your kindness.  Thank you!  ❤️  Truly...thank you for spending extra time you didn't have to send us a package of Christmas joy this year.  Kindness gets us through.

We're in a season of grieving, just plain and simple.  We don't have any decorations up...not even our beloved Santa painting made it up this year.  Because this is our 20th move, and because we went from a huge house with a couple of storage sheds to a tiny apartment, we did our best, but we're still purging and working our way through boxes here...no room for a tree or any semblance of normal yet.  

You've seen from my posts the past couple of days (on FB) glimpses of the kinds of things we're up against, constantly, in real time.  All we can do right now is fall on our knees...in grief, in stillness, in waiting, in, well, not necessarily hope, but a feeling that SURELY THE HELL HAS TO END SOON, SURELY IT WILL GET BETTER.  How can it not?!  

'Deconstruction' has gotten a lot of attention these days.  The word, what people think it means, etc.  

We watch a lot of Survivor.  What do they have to build first thing at the beginning of each season?  A shelter.  Sometimes a storm comes and their shelter gets damaged.  Sometimes, even, they are only left with the foundation.  They have to figure out what went wrong, what parts were useful and good, and what to keep to use to build again.  

That is deconstruction, folks.  That's all it is.  People make it hard.  It's so very simple.  That's it!  What is hard to understand about that?  

Some people who deconstruct find that they don't even believe in the foundation anymore.  They don't want anything to do with that shelter or the rebuilding of it...they just don't think it's for them.  Most still stand on that foundation.  And that foundation, turns out, is truly what matters.  

It really is why we celebrate Christmas after all.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, the original Christmas didn't 'feel' like Christmas either.  

18 years ago, I was extremely big and pregnant.  My baby had been due on the 21st.  Christmas rolled around and I was still big and pregnant.  I never related to Mary more.  As we heard the Christmas story that year in church, in gatherings...I felt every bit of heaviness she must have felt.  I empathized with her then, and do now even more, having to travel far from all she'd ever known, and being scared and alone.  She knew that what she was doing was right, was part of a bigger plan...what she was doing would break cycles and bring Life.  

I fall on my knees this Christmas hoping and believing for the same things.  As I feel this profound sadness, and as me and my girls are alone...I believe in the breaking of cycles, and Life.  I believe that Life will come for us, and for all who come after us.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas.  But, then again...maybe this is the closest to the original Christmas that we've ever been.   

A Day in the Life

I post a lot more on my Facebook.  I say a lot more there...and therefore people there know more context.  But, this is just a little taste of what it's like. 

The people who have access to my FB can learn a lot.  Actually just today someone who has always supported me, after all of these years of listening to the things I say (some of them over and over, in different ways), said to me, "A ficha caiu!"  That means...something finally made sense today, something she's been wondering about for years.  It clicked.  

And that is always my hope.  It's still even my hope for Joel...that something will click, in his heart, in his mind.  For his family...that something will click, in their hearts, in their minds.  For others who have believed him instead of me (even though there's never been any reason to do that).  Some have come around.  And for that, I am grateful.  

If anyone can read even just this interaction below, or the years' worth of evidence just like this, and somehow think that I'm the problem in this equation...it just doesn't make any sense.  

Truth is important.  Safety for my girls is important.  I will never relent.  But, I'm also pretty darn reasonable, calm, and understanding...as usual.  Again...how am I the problem in this equation?  

Truth is important.

Tell Your Stories

Tell. the. truth. Tell the truth about you, what's happened to you, tell your story. Say it, write it, scream it...whatever you need to do. But...

DON'T let the 'hunters' monopolize the story.

Joel spread lies about me for almost a full 3 years before I started saying, "Wait...hang on...what he's saying isn't true!" I didn't know he was doing all that completely behind my back...at all. But...

Be careful. Don't let that happen. Tell your stories!!

A Bit of Truth

It's been a week of processing. There are so many things that are so confusing about people. But, here's what I know with 100% certainty.

-I was the perfect partner for Joel.

-I was the love of his life (I've said this for years; so has he).

-He was taught to be unfeeling, heartless, without empathy, like a robot.

-He was taught that he was entitled...that a woman should only just follow him and if she challenged him, she was trying to usurp authority.

-He was taught to believe these things, be loyal to these things that he's been taught by his family of origin, and be loyal to that family of origin above all else.

-He has learning disabilities (this is a real thing...he was diagnosed as a child); I see this as more and more an issue in his life (which he denies and tries to hide, which makes it even more of a problem).

-He wasn't willing to go against his family of origin to get the help he needed and make the changes that needed to be made to save his relationships with his wife and children.

-He will always be looking for me in other women.

-What he told the kids just a few months ago, that nobody will ever measure up to me, is true.

-I feel bad for him. I feel bad for these women who will never be able to be his perfect partner the way I was.

-I feel bad for us...me and his children, left in the ruins. We were the best things for him, his biggest fans...and he threw us away.

What Abuse Looks Like, As Documented

I've never shared these here.  For months it's been 'heavy on my heart' (as we say in the church) to do so.  I have put if off and put it off.  I just kept thinking, 'Maybe if I keep waiting, that feeling that I need to do this will go away...we'll see.' 

It never went away.  It's time.

If you've wondered about more detail of what happened in our marriage, and how Joel and his family worked within that time, reading these documents will be very revealing for you.  I never really knew these people, even though I thought I did.  I thought we were so very close and a loving family, all of us.  That was very obviously not the case.  To see what they were capable of was very eye-opening and devastating to accept.

I compiled these documents for a counselor we once had, and added on a couple of times for other counselors (you will see some familiar language, personal references I mentioned within; for instance, we lived in the house that belonged to one of them and Cass was born there).  It's not at all professional writing, just compiled and copied and pasted...something I did while in the depths of great trauma, crying out desperately to be heard and helped as I tried to survive the constant tsunamis crashing against me (you will see exactly what I mean as you read through this).  I will someday go through it and clean it all up, presenting it in a more professional format.  I just can't revisit it for that amount of time yet.  It's too painful.

I will never understand why the people around me who claimed to love me wouldn't just love me (the verb).  Why they wouldn't just take care of me and help me.  Why they would have rather convinced themselves of the stories they told themselves about me, without any evidence of what they were saying (not even close).  Nothing of what they were doing and saying made sense...it still doesn't.  

For instance...why would Kristin, after being asked by Joel to try to help him to understand, report back to him that basically it was pointless to even try with me?  What had I said in my genuine and vulnerable responses to her that could even be misconstrued as me being a hopeless case?  Why would she treat me so inhumanely?  

The same with Danny's email, and Angela's comments/messages, and the involvement of EVERYONE connected...why were they all going along with such corrupt, immoral, and bullying behavior?  

It's all there in the Correspondence.

Any of Joel's friends and family...this might clear up some things for you about what was actually happening, and what actually happened to our marriage.  I know you've been told a version of what happened, but this is actually what occurred, in their own words.  

When sharing these things within counseling sessions, Joel never once refuted the things in these documents (the Timeline, nor the Correspondence).  Just fyi.  He somehow still believed he was completely innocent, even though clearly within these documents the opposite is obviously true.  Sadly, because of the beliefs that women are just supposed to follow and support their husbands, in most of the 'Christian' counseling we were under (that's just the only thing we knew at the time), he was supported in the belief that I was supposed to just quietly follow along with this abusive behavior from him and his family.

Another note:  If you're new here, our last name used to be Ebersole.  We changed it.  I will share that story here someday maybe.  But, I praise God every single day that my children and I don't have to go through life tied to the name of our abusers.  If you think that calling them abusers is language that is too strong, then you haven't learned what the term 'abuse' means.  Educate yourself, learn, grow, and become safe for the hundreds of thousands of women and children just like us.

What abuse looks like, as documented...

The Timeline - written in Spring 2014
The Correspondence - written in Spring/Fall 2015

"What in the Handmaid's Tale?"

This past Monday, as news was breaking about Gabby Petito's body being found, I was also working through a lecture, and then posted this.  It speaks for itself.  I'm also including the comments because a lot can be learned from them too.   For a refresher, in May 2012 when we came back to the states for what was only supposed to be a few months, I simply needed to rest and heal and recover from the lifestyle we'd been living for many years, and esp. from the last year we'd had.  Lots of stress, trauma, and loss had already occurred that year just circumstantially...not at the hands of Joel or the people around us.  I needed to be gathered in, taken care of, loved well.  I needed to rest and heal.  Instead, when we got back to the states, much more stress and upheaval came (I was barely hanging on by a thread).  Joel refused to stop our pace, insisted that I just keep going, accused me of being controlling and manipulative and rebellious because I couldn't, and started complaining about me to anyone who would listen (he had actually already started doing that with his own family at the beginning of 2012).   It's been a long decade.  We are now divorcing.  And I consistently teach of the dangers of bad theology regarding marriage, gender roles, forgiveness, and family.  This quote from another abuse advocate, Andrea Aleksandrova, shows the danger of complementarianism, and exactly how it was applied in my life to destroy our lives and family as we knew them.  Do not tell me that complementarianism can be healthy.  It cannot.  ~Because of complementarianism, many churches believe that men are the leaders of women.

If men are the leaders of women, then the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men.

If the health of the family is contingent upon the health of men, men's needs become prioritized over women's needs.

If men's needs become prioritized over women's needs, women's needs become secondary.

If women's needs become secondary, neglect, abuse, and abandonment flourish.

God help us.~ You will see very clearly how this is believed and applied below. The FB post from Monday... I will make my way back to the Gabby conversations/posts, and will post more later.  I had to take a break. 💔 But also...all that we've been discussing within that situation is 100% related to what I'm sharing here.  It's all so related. I've mentioned that I'm working my way through a couple of courses.  Today this definition of pride came up in a lesson about self-care/self-compassion... ~Pride is something that makes you think you are better than others to the point where:

-that gives you permission to treat them poorly

-that gives you permission to make choices over them and to take away their agency

-you believe that because you are so elevated and you are so beyond criticism that you are allowed to do things, even if they might hurt another person, because you know better…*you* have this agency.~ It immediately made me think of the counsel Joel got...especially from his family.  The following is an email from his father (btw, I'm not correcting any of his misspellings or spacing issues...that is how the email came)...you will see what I mean about why I thought of this with that pride definition.  You will also see so much language that points to why abuse is so rampant (and covered up) in the church.  This is a man who I said for years was like Jesus.  He really does embody a Christ-like demeanor.  I never saw anything but Christ-likeness come out of him for the first 13 years I knew him.  But, and hear me on this... **Even if you have that kind of gentle demeanor, if what your theology is based on at your core is this...you are prideful and abusive.** Also...he's a pastor. This is who Joel chose to stay in a relationship with over me.  This is who Joel left me and the kids for.  This was sent to Joel in February 2014.  We separated for the first time the following May.  Also, this man, even though I felt as though we were close, never once in all of those years reached out to me to ask me my side of the story. After we got back together in September 2014, I tried desperately to get them all (it wasn't just his father who said things like this) to talk very honestly through all of this so that we could reconcile. They refused. (*His P.S. at the end - As he wrote this, I had just lost our baby.  I was still actively bleeding and cramping and wondering if I'd need surgery...and Joel was complaining to them because I was asking him to postpone his trip to Brazil.  I am a nurse, I am a childbirth educator and doula, I had successfully birthed 4 children and this was my 3rd miscarriage.  Yet, apparently they felt they needed to 'educate' us on this matter.  Again...no wonder I thought of this letter as I heard that definition of pride.)

***********************************

Dearest Son Joel,

I did not sleep well last night with a heavy heart.  I feel as your Dad I need to share some things with you, about your situation with Michawn.  Please hear and the Lord will give you further insight and direction.

Joel I greatly admire your fortitude, perseverance and commitment to Michawn and your family.  I know many times you feel like giving up, but don’t.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel.  By hanging in their you will see your children serving the Lord.

It is well understood among men and women who understand the principles of God’s Word, that the foremost reason God places the man as head of his home is to be a spiritual covering and bring spiritual protection to his wife and children.  It is also understood that when a woman does not submit to her husband she opens the door to be deceived by Satan, who is out to kill, steal and destroy marriages and families. 

God has made the woman different then man.  What makes them tick are the emotions and feelings.  For a woman there is nothing wrong with this, it is a wonderful part of her being wife and mother,  But it is an area where if she is out from under spiritual protection the enemy will bring deception.  Bringing havoc to her emotions. This is what is happening to Michawn.

It is very apparent that Michawn has been deceived by the enemy.  She has been deceived in regard to you, and all you have done for her and your family. Of course none of us are perfect Dads or husbands.  But you have served Michawn and your family in love, by giving and giving  and giving some more.  You have bent over backwards to serve. You have been an example of a husband and father.

To love your spouse is to accept the spouse with the personality and faults.  You have accepted Michawn, but she has not accepted you.  She has falsely accused you.  It is one of the tactics of the enemy.  He is called the accuser of the brethren.  I have seen him use this card many times, by causing people to accuse others, bringing separation and strife in families and churches.

It is very important that you do not accept the accusations and lies that Satan brings to you.  Another tactic of the enemy is to cut you off from natural family and spiritual family.

There are some stands you need to take for your spiritual well being and that of the children.  You need to get into a Spirit filled church urgently.  Even if it means driving an hour to Shrieveport or Rustin every Sunday.  Make your position known and if Michawn does not go, you and the children go.  Insist that the children go.  As Michawn will try to get them to stay with her and sway them against your position.  You need to take a strong stand in this. Explaining to the older children what the true issues are.

I firmly believe that our commitment to the Lord is expressed in our commitment to specific brothers and sisters in a local body of believers, where the Word of God says we are not to forsake gathering together.

The Psalmist says that The righteous flourish planted in the house of the Lord.

Solomon says there is a time for peace and a time for war.  You are in a time for war.  Our warefare in not against flesh and blood, not against Michawn but against the enemy that has deceived her.  Joel we stand with you in this war.  What the enemy has done to Michawn’s parents he wants to do with your marriage.  Michawn has given in to that, and even spoken of leaving   You must take the opposite stand and declare you will not leave, you will not close your heart.

If Michawn separates herself from you emotionally or in any other way because of your stand on the principles of God’s Word, the Bible says to let her go. Light and darkness will not have any fellowship.  Trying to reason with her will not resolve issues that arise.

I feel (and I may be wrong) that at this time of your life you should not take on new projects as a husband and wife.  You should not go to Brazil as a family, or plan to adopt.  You have your hands full with dealing successfully with the situation as it is.  A change in location will not change Michawn.  Only God can change her, that’s what we are believing for. But she has to open to Him for help, and she has not gotten to that place yet.

I feel you need to take the full time job that is offered you in Rustin, for support of your family.

Joel if the Lord leads differently, like going back to Brazil we stand with you.  It is important you do not let Michawn keep you from family relationships with her family and yours. Love is accepting people the way they are.  But at the same time may the Lord give you discernment of the manipulating and control that has been on her and her family, and how to cast that off, and not accept it, and at the same time affirm your love for Michawn and your acceptance of her as a person as your wife.

It is possible to do the two things together – affirm your love and acceptance of her, but not accept any control and manipulation from her that would  keep you from standing firm on principle. You may have to be very clear with Michawn telling her that you are committed to love her, but you will not be controlled by her to the detriment of what you know God wants you to do.  You are not one with Michawn, but you are still responsible for the spiritual welfare of your family.  I feel in this situation it warrants you making decisions without her, in that which you know is God’s will.  But telling her first what you decided.  God does not want Michawn or the situation to control you.  You keep your spirit free by Praising and Worshipping, and crying out to God. 

We love Michawn and our prayer for her is:

Lord have mercy upon her,

Forgive her,

Protect her, Keep her

Deliver and bring healing to her.

Joel we love you.  Our heart hurts for you.  We feel your pain.  The Lord sees also and he comforts you.  Let him take you in his arms and love on you.

Dad

PS. Mom wanted to say it is normal after childbirth or miscarriage for bleeding for up to two months, until it gradually stops. Michawn’s bleeding is  not abnormal.  That’s why the mid-wife wants to see her later on.  If the bleeding becomes heavier, that is not normal. A week after birth or miscarriage a woman can resume a light schedule as long as she does not overdo it with heavy lifting.

This Is What Destroyed My Family

I haven't posted here in a long time.  A lot has happened in over a year.  You can see what came of trying to reason with unsafe people in the last few entries here.  I just really didn't have any more to say here after that.  (I say a LOT on my Facebook page, but not here.)

Today I made this post and I thought it was important enough to share here.  

Often people ask me what 'complementarianism' is...what am I always talking about? It's this...

In complementarianism:
-men and women have distinct roles in both home and society
-men take the leadership role as the authoritative head of the home
-women take the supporting, submissive role, and are not to usurp the authority of men
-in decision-making, women might give input, but men have the final word
-if there is disagreement about how to move forward, men have the tie-breaking vote

Period. No nuances. This is the law.

This is literally what destroyed my family. I physically could not do what my husband was saying we should do, and because of that, I was accused of trying to usurp his authority and not being a holy, Biblical wife. As his family/mentors told him, I had given myself over to the devil. All because I couldn't physically keep going when he wanted to keep going.

**He is still using the same mentality with our daughters, trying to demand they do things they don't want to do. Trying to demand they do things that make them feel unsafe. It's a narcissist-breeding theology.

Principle Two - Part 3

I got an email last month from one of Joel's family members.

He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."

And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone.  They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.

And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.  Ever.

So, I am responding to that email here on the blog.  Here are links to the other parts of this series that have already been posted over the last few weeks:
Principle One
Principle Two - Part 1
Principle Two - Part 2

And now, the final part of my response to this email.

A review of the Principle Two shared in the email...

[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.   

There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents.   

I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.

Now, let's talk about this "Honor your father and mother" passage.

I'm not going to go really in-depth on this part (although I could), because I think that the rest of what I have said is enough to back up my position and prove that your position is not backed up by truth or Scripture.

But, 'honor.'  Let's look at that word.

Honor means 'to regard with great respect.'

Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet not be in their presence?

Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet not have an active relationship with them?

Do you not believe that you can honor someone and yet oppose most of what they stand for or do?

I can do all of those things.

I honor Mother Teresa and all that she stood for and did...yet I never knew her or had a relationship with her.

I honor politicians who don't have the same ideas or beliefs as me, but who I can tell have good and passionate hearts for people, are still kind, and are...honorable.

I honor my own parents.  And by not saying anything more here about that, I am honoring them.

We honor by living in and telling the truth.  In fact, that is one of the key ways in which we honor.  Even when the truth is hard.  Even when it's not what some view as 'positive' or 'uplifting.'  Because living in the truth is always the honorable thing to do and always brings the most honor in the long run...even if it's hard or might not seem like it brings honor in the beginning stages.

It's like when someone has a very bad burn.  We don't 'honor' that burn by just covering it up and being 'positive' about it.  No.  We have to uncover it.  We have to get down in the nasty, painful, incredibly damaged parts...all so that it can be healed.  Without that, the burn will NOT be healed...and worse than that, it will spread even more damage and loss.  At first it might not seem like 'honoring' to get down in the nasty parts.  It might seem more comfortable and less painful to just cover it and leave it.  But...that isn't truth about that situation.

Honoring doesn't mean turning a blind eye.  That is the opposite of honoring.  But, sometimes people are only willing to turn a blind eye.  Sometimes they refuse to do what is needed in order to reach a place of healing.  These people don't honor the wounds.  And no matter who they are, if the wounds aren't honored...and uncovered, and debrided (a very painful process that must be done as unpleasant and 'un-positive' as it is)...the people refusing to honor the wounds are unsafe.  They aren't honorable people...even though you can still 'honor' them by doing it from afar.  And you are definitely honoring yourself that way.

Sometimes when we honor people, we honor them from a distance.  We have to.  Because they aren't safe enough to honor in an active relationship.  And knowing that that distance is warranted and recommended is an honoring act.

Surely you know these things about what honor means and looks like lived out.

There are many resources, even Christian-based ones, that address the issue of cutting ties with family.  There are articles and books and interviews and teachings.  For cutting ties with family to be seen by you as something that is foreign or unbiblical is, again, just another sign of you not living in reality and truth.  And, for you to think that you can't still honor your parents while not in an active relationship with them is another sign.  We must live in truth.

I highly recommend the books Safe People, Boundaries, and Necessary Endings by Cloud and Townsend.

I am going to share this article too, though.  This article is NOT addressing abusive situations.  So, when they say things like "...leaving your parents does not mean you permanently withdraw and no longer have a good relationship with them. That’s isolating yourself, not leaving," that applies to people in normal relationships.  Again...this doesn't apply to abusive, toxic situations.  I never wanted us to have to leave you permanently.  That was never even on my radar...until the abuse happened.  And even then, I was naive and fully believed that after a normal, adult conversation with you all, everything would be cleared up and we would be on our way again, in close relationship...no problem.  But you all refused to even have that conversation with me.  So, that was not the case...not even close.  No, this quote does not apply to abusive and toxic situation.  And our situation is abusive/toxic.  You must remember that.

Also, the authors/this site...they are complementarian, which is a red flag for me and against everything I believe marriage should be.  But, I use this to show that even some complementarians get this topic right, which should be telling.  Very, very telling.

I share this article to point out that Joel never even did this part.  He never left you even in this way that is commanded us in Scripture.  This command...you even say that you counsel in this way, but this is not the counsel that you gave Joel...just the opposite.

Some excerpts from the article:

*Jesus addressed the issue when he said that no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6). No one! No in-laws, no mother, no father was meant to divide a couple who had made a covenant with each other to leave, cleave, and become one flesh.
--You may not have intended to come between us, but you did.  And after you were told that that is what you were doing, you just continued to do the same things.  Not teachable, not changed by truth.  So, even if you didn't intend to come between us initially, after you heard that truth, you should have stopped...and you chose not to.

*“the failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in almost all marital conflict.” God knows that leaving parents will be a difficult transition, especially in homes where the child-parent bond has been solid and warm. Unfortunately, many (if not most) couples do not cut the apron strings—they lengthen them!
--Joel's loyalty never shifted from you to me.  There's just no arguing that fact.  If it had, the first half of 2012 would have looked COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.  If you need me to review the facts of those 6 months, I will gladly share it.  But, that is when it was first proven that his loyalty was with you, his family of origin, and not with me.  Again...that's not my perception.  That is fact.  That is proven in evidence.

*We had forsaken our dependence upon them for our livelihood and emotional support and were turning to each other as the primary relationship of our lives.
--Again, Joel never did that.  The evidence shows that he went to you guys instead of me starting at the beginning of 2012...and that just continued.  He turned to you (when I had no idea anything was even wrong)...he didn't turn to me (even though I had never given him any reason at all to not turn to me).  Had he 1) come to me for his emotional support, and 2) believed the truth I was telling him (about me, our situation, etc.) and let the facts/truth change him and his wayward thoughts (2 Cor. 10:5), then none of this would have happened.

*The public affirmation of our covenant to each other meant, “No relationship on earth, other than my relationship with Jesus Christ and God, is more important than my relationship with my spouse.”
--Again, this isn't true of Joel.  You can say it is.  But, that isn't truth.  The facts and evidence literally prove otherwise.  Saying something doesn't make it so.  And saying something without actually backing those words up with behaviors...it means nothing.

*...you must make a break from them and sever your dependence on them. As time passes, you must be diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence at critical points in your marriage.
--If Joel ever did sever his dependence on you (which I doubt, for reasons that I might dive into at another time), then he reestablished it at the beginning of 2012.  And you let him.  You welcomed that behavior...and then counseled him to further that behavior.  Again, I have that evidence all in your own words.  Do I need to review that with you?  That was your counsel to him.

*A tip: Always try to consult your spouse before seeking input from parents.
--And I would say no...that's where the complementarian thing comes in strong.  You shouldn't just try to consult your wife.  You should consult your wife.  Duh.  She is not only your partner, she is quite literally supposed to be you...that is the Biblical teaching after all.  You leave everything else and become ONE.  This did not happen.  He didn't consult with me at all.  Hleft me completely and went to you.  I never knew he was seeking input or counsel from you until the Spring of 2014 when I saw the emails between you all.  That was over two years into the destruction of our marriage already at that point.  You might say, "I didn't know you didn't know."  First of all, you may not have known at the beginning of 2012.  But, you for sure knew that he was doing all of these things behind my back by the end of 2012 (again...I have proof of that).  Also, you just let him come to you for his emotional support.  You never questioned it, or him.  You never said, "Joel, does your wife know you are coming to me for this?  Are you being honest and vulnerable and transparent with your wife...the person you are supposed to be one with?  I hope you are being loyal to her first and foremost.  What is it that she's saying she needs...and why?  I'm sure she has good reasons for these things.  She's never been dishonest or disloyal or unloving or controlling/manipulative before."  No...you never said any of that.  And, as you know, you never came to me and asked me my side of the story.  All of this could have been avoided had you done any of these things...or taught your son/brother how to do the right things in this situation in the first place.

There is MUCH more to this article.  I'm sure you can pinpoint all the parts that I would say were not done or heeded in our marriage and in the relationship with you, Joel's family of origin.

Also, don't forget the amazing teachings and model of Jesus that I specifically wrote about in the last post.  Jesus honored His parents.  He taught to honor parents.  He ALSO taught that if parents come between their kids and Him, to walk away from them (He came to 'bring a sword' to that kind of behavior.  Jesus and His ways are to come first.  His ways include a husband leaving his family of origin and cleaving to his wife completely...and not leaving his wife and children for his family of origin.  That is not Jesus.  Therefore, that is not right.

I do want to say also that in all the people that I was closest to when this started happening (i.e. the first 4 years), I first of all never went to ANYONE for advice or help until we were a full year and a half in.  And then secondly, I never ever ever ever went to others for advice or help 1) saying anything that I hadn't already discussed with Joel, or 2) saying anything derogatory about Joel.  Ever.  HE was still the person I went to for emotional support for everything.  I just didn't get any emotional support from him when I asked for it.  When I did talk to the people I did eventually talk to (again, not until we were a year and half in...I never told ANYONE for that full year and a half what was going on or what Joel was doing, even when he did things like go behind my back and buy plane tickets to leave to go do what he wanted to do when I was in such dire need of him to stay with me for many reasons at that point), I framed it in the same ways I do now...that he has been taught wrong things, that he isn't seeing clearly, that he isn't seeing the big picture, that he is just blinded to the truth.

To leave and cleave...that is what we are to do.  And, you are supposed to keep leaving (your family of origin) to cleave to your spouse (cling to, hold to tightly, forsaking anything and anyone else; to adhere to loyally and unwaveringly).

I did that.  Joel didn't.

Ebersole family, you need to be clear here...

If someone is saying to you, "This is hurting me.  This is damaging me and my family." And you just continue to do those things...

Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?

When someone tells you why something hurts and how to stop hurting them, and you choose to do so anyway...

Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?

When someone has already been hurt for years and, even though she has tried to talk to you and help you to know how to not hurt her, you choose to not only keep hurting her, but to just continue accusing her of more untrue things...

Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?

When that same person wants to escape this behavior and wants her spouse to see the need for escape and escape with her (because they are supposed to be one) and wants to be protected by the person who is supposed to protect her the most, and is then accused of divisiveness and selfishness and breaking up a family...

Do you consider that to be abusive behavior?

None of what I am saying in these posts matter if you can't live in the truth.

And part of that truth is that you have been abusive.  In all of these ways.  To me.

Do you see that?

If you can't live in the truth, then this will never get better.  Don't you want it to get better?

You say, "Even though we do not agree on some issues, in no way do I wish such a life on you. We consider you part of our family and not the enemy."

Do you consider me part of your family?  Would you really treat a part of your family this way?  If so, why?

You say, "You and the children are Joel's most important family."  But...that isn't true, sadly.  He left us to be with you.  That literally proves who is most important to him.  That's just a documented fact.

Now, he, just like you all, has not been living in the truth.  Again, truth is supposed to change you.  If truth had changed him, or you, then none of this would still be going on.  But, truth hasn't changed you.

If truth changed him, then maybe we would be his most important family.  That is not the case right now though.  It should be.  Maybe that's what you are speaking out of...what should be.  Because you know that that is Biblical and what should be true about us.  But, it is literally not the truth of our situation. 

Live in truth.

If you can't live in the truth, then this will never get better.

That's why I beg of you...please live in the truth.

And no.  No...this isn't just my perception of the truth.  This IS truth.  There is black and white evidence of this.  There is proof that this is the truth.

Also, our counselor and I have asked repeatedly for evidence that proves what you all have seen as truth (hopefully after these posts you no longer see those lies as truth).  Yet, we've received none.  For years we've asked for your evidence.  And there is none.

If you truly believe me to be a part of the family, then you will hear me, you will believe me, you will want to live and walk in truth, and you will be changed by the truth.

Principle Two - Part 2

I got an email recently from one of Joel's family members.

He outlined two principles of marriage and said, "These two principles may help you understand how we deal with differences in marriage and the reason for not supporting excommunication."

And by excommunication he means cutting ties with someone.  They just like to use the word 'excommunication' because it has such a negative, unhealthy, severe connotation.

And they don't believe in cutting ties with anyone, family or not.

So, I am responding to that email here on the blog.  This blog post is the first part of my response.  This blog post is the second part.

And now, the third part of my response...

A review of the Principle Two shared in the email...

[Eph 6:2-3 NKJV] Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.  

There is no condition attached to justify not obeying this principle. I don't see any warrant in scriptures for completely cutting off relationship with our parents. If my parents had become unsafe during the 10 years we lived near and worked with them, there would have been ways to deal with it at my end. But in no way am I to completely cut off relationship with parents.  

I do not believe there is such a thing as choosing between my family of origin and my wife and children. When married, I leave and cleave, but my love, respect and honor to my extended family is in no way a threat to my marriage. In my opinion this honoring of parents and in-laws is what comprises healthy families. I will never understand why you feel Joel chooses us over you. To me this is not a real choice any family member ever has to make. The natural affection one has for family of origin is a God given affection, and is not a threat to the immediate family.

Jesus never stayed with people who hurt him.  Ever.  Read about Him in this light, maybe for the first time, and you will see that truth.  When the people who didn't understand Him, and didn't get His side of the story or believe Him even when they did have His story, or accused Him of things that were never true...He loved them, He wished they would change, He wished the truth would change them, but it didn't.  So, He always incorporated boundaries with those people.

Didn't mean He didn't love them.  Didn't mean He hated them.  Didn't mean He was bitter.  Didn't mean He was holding grudges.  Didn't mean He was trying to get back at them.  None of those things were true of Him.

He was keeping Himself safe.

He kept Himself safe.

Yes, He taught to love and give of yourself and sacrifice and forgive and even reconcile when possible.  But, He also taught, and modeled very clearly (again, read about Him in this light), to take care of yourself, protect yourself from those who have harmed you, to walk away when people aren't going to be changed by truth, to have boundaries.

Jesus didn't just say that the truth is important and that it will set you free.  He said He IS the truth.  If we don't follow ALL of His examples and principles, then we aren't following and living in the truth.

I've been saying these things for years, you know that.  There are other resources that speak to this topic of boundaries and keeping oneself safe.  But, here's a great article I found recently with just a quick search that speaks to this Jesus I speak of to help you to see that this isn't just me or our counselor (or only people who don't honor God's Word) who are saying all of these things.

About Jesus and boundaries:  https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/

I was originally going to go through and provide Scripture to show how Jesus kept Himself safe from harmful people (no matter who they were...family included), but that article is full of it.

You are a family that calls yourselves pacifists.  In reality, what happens is that you go to great lengths to avoid conflict.  GREAT lengths.  For instance, you all made up and believed stories in your heads about me that were just simply not true.  They were FAR from truth even in the beginning, but those stories just snowballed to the point that no matter what I said or had proof of, you saw me through the lens of those stories you already believed.  And you didn't even want to hear or work through anything that would help you to see otherwise.

Yes, you go to great lengths to avoid conflict.  But pacifism doesn't = avoidance of conflict.  That is not what pacifism is.  So, you like to claim pacifism.  But, that's not the truth of who you are.  What you have is a case of major passive-aggressive behavior, and the avoidance of conflict (which you might think is holy, but is not) at all costs.  And I do mean all costs.  The cost here?...me and my children.  You avoid conflict (and truth) so much that you are willing to destroy a family and see your son give up his wife and children in order to be with you.  I tried to avoid that.  For literally years.  I tried to help you all to keep us.  But, you didn't want to. 

As I said in the other posts...

The actual truth about me and our situation, the truth about family and gender and forgiveness/reconciliation, the truth about boundaries and cutting ties and what love really looks like, the truth about anger and motives and lots of other factors that are involved here...the truth about these things hasn't changed you.  The truth was offered to you over and over and over again.  And it hasn't changed you. 

When someone is saying you are hurting them, and they give very specific directions about why, and about how not to hurt them, they are not being 'controlling and manipulative' (what you accused me of).  They are being loving.  They are staying the course, trying to be with you, trying to help you to see how not to lose them. 

But when you just continue to hurt, it isn't possible to stay. 

Do you not understand that?

Do you know what Jesus said to do with the people who won't accept truth and be changed by it?  He tells them to leave those people, and to dust off your feet.  (Matthew 10)  Yes, right before that He says to heal, to love, to raise, to freely give.  BUT, because He is sending people out "like sheep among wolves," He knows how to teach them how to safeguard themselves too.  Jesus ISN'T just love, peace, joy.  He is also boundaries, safety, wisdom...and how to walk away when things aren't safe.  If you aren't following all sides and teachings of Jesus, then you aren't following Jesus. 

Matthew 10:34-37

34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
35  For I have come to turn
“‘a man against his father,
    a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36  a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’[a]
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

I remember having a discussion with you years ago at your kitchen table right before we all went to bed.  We were discussing pacifism, your beliefs, the fact that that was what was taught to you and the way your family lived.  I, at that time especially, was not a person who brought up conflicts (even if I saw wrong around me, I didn't always speak up).  But, I didn't avoid it either.  I was fine with discussing hard things and/or 'fighting' in order to reach resolve and peace...esp. if there were victims to rescue. 

I brought up this passage of Scripture that night.  I simply said, "So, what do you do with verses like that?"

You had no defense.  In fact, you acted like you'd never even heard that passage before.  You said, "Hmmm, and where is that?  I don't know.  I'll have to look into that and get back with you."  (You never got back with me about it.)

Obviously Jesus never wanted son to go against father, or daughter against mother, or DIL against MIL (or any other family combination to go against each other).  That is not His ideal.  But, Jesus was NOT afraid of conflict.  At all.  He would call people out in a millisecond.  And He knew that people would have to take stands for following His ways. 

I get it that you think that is what you are doing with me.  I get it that you think that you are taking a stand against me...and that you are following God's ways and I am not.  I get it that you have counseled Joel to take a stand against me because you believe that I am not following God's ways. 

But you are wrong.  You are so very, very, very destructively wrong.  And I have all the evidence, documentation, research, and Scripture to prove it.  Do we need to go over it all more? 

What are your thoughts and questions and objections to what is said here?