Joel. Michawn. {Part 72 - November on Facebook, 1; Friends List Purge}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Nov. 3rd - I posted this meme with the below words...

men in patriarchal societies, and specifically patriarchal religious systems, usually deny this 'til the cows come home. but... 

*patriarchy (a system in which males hold primary power; complementarianism is an example)
--breeds--
*narcissism (extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration; having an inflated sense of one's own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others) 

that is just truth. 

and while my husband (Joel) probably isn't, on the surface, what one would call an outright narcissist, when a husband is being told over and over that he needs to gain control over his uppity ('non-submissive') wife, what do you think that does to that husband? as a byproduct, he becomes selfish (although that husband would religiously say that he just wants to follow the Bible and bring the wife back into God's will), he craves admiration from those saying such things (and wants to gain that admiration by 'gaining control over his wife and family'), and has zero empathy for the one who is 'uppity' (he no longer cares about her needs...he is focused on the task at hand...gaining control). 

when this behavior backfires, he and his cohorts will definitely try to control how others see that wife. 

i lived this constantly from jan. 2012 - aug. 2015. it destroyed my marriage and my family and my life in *many* ways. 

it has to be stopped. it is a detriment to society and the church. patriarchy of any kind needs to be abolished. 

"Patriarchy is a strange animal. It generally does the opposite of whatever its proponents claim it does. They claim it creates harmonious relationships when, in fact, it introduces artificial strain. They claim it helps people serve God better when, in fact, it can hinder the use of gifts. They claim it keeps women safer when, in fact, it makes abuse more likely." 

it has to stop.

This ended up being a very 'interesting' comment thread.  If you are friends with me on Facebook, you can see it yourself here.  The bottom line is that when I warn people about complementarianism, which is a form of patriarchy and hierarchy and truly is very dangerous, several thoughts and emotions have come forth, from heresy to not allowing others to choose for themselves.  That is the most common thing that was said to me pre-November when others didn't agree with what I had to say...they said that I was the one who got irritated when people didn't agree.  :)  No matter how many times I said it, and how much I showed it in my actions and comments, that I was just presenting information and they could make their own choices...someone always ended up accusing me of not allowing differing opinions.  The truth is actually that I just always had an answer for their differing opinions...which they didn't appreciate.

Anyway, so after this particular post and comment run, I knew it was just time.  Time to purge my friends list on Facebook.  I had never done that before, except to get rid of a particular group of people who had mistreated me sufficiently in real life and bullied me on social media.  I had done that over the summer.

To go through my friends list and delete people though...that was new to me.  But, if something is needed, even if I've never had to do it before or it's never been something I ever imagined I'd need to do...if the need is there and it is time, I will do it.

The need was there.  And it was time.

Nov. 5th - I sent this out to everyone on my friends list.

**Big change below...keep reading until the end.** 

It is said that you teach others how to treat you.  

I think that my life up until the last year has ‘taught’ people to expect certain things of me and have a certain perception of me.  But, my life changed drastically a few years ago.  And so those things that are expected of me and that perception of me…these things are required to change too.  With life, things change.  And without the ability to adapt and grow and change, including the ability to watch and support someone else doing those things and adapting your expectations and perceptions of them…you will always be disappointed. 

Expectations and perceptions can be dangerous things anyway.  But, if you are going to have them, you canNOT hang on to them tightly.  They have to be allowed to be ever-changing. 

Someone said to me recently, "You have changed so much as a person.  You used to be one of my favorite people on the face of this earth. You were someone I looked up to and someone for which I had the utmost respect.” 

I get really great, supportive texts and messages regularly.  But, I also get these kinds of messages regularly. 

Have I changed?  Yes.  That happens to people.  Especially when they go through a time of suffering and trial.  That’s the way it’s meant to be.  It is *supposed* to happen that way.   

I’ve also been accused of being mad and bitter.  One person's specific words were, "I don't understand why you're so damn mad!” 

I answered, 

~there will always be those people who only see that part of me...the part who *is* so damn mad about certain things about the church, about our world (and should be...it's called righteous indignation).  Jesus had that serious, so damn mad part too.  there's nothing wrong with that.  there were people who, in His day, only saw that as 'attacks' too.  who saw that as wrong and bitterness and 'who is He to come in here and get all mad and talk against such things?'   

there was nothing He could do about it.  there's nothing i can do about it.  

i post things that are happy and carefree. that is the majority of what i post.  i also post things that are more serious and point out crappy things about the church/world. posting about important issues doesn't = 'not happy' or 'so damn mad all the time' or 'bitter' or 'attacking.’~ 

As I've said, "there are parts of me that have changed.  and there's a whole other layer there that wasn't there before.  but, those other layers that were always there are still there and are still the same.  and...they are evident in what i say and do, on Facebook or off.  true friends are able to see me as a whole person and not just that one righteously indignant layer.  even if they don't like that layer, that's not all they see.” 

I get the feeling that there are many people who are waiting for this to go away.  For me to go back to the way I was.  For me to only post about kids and recipes and rosy things.
Here’s the deal...   

I won’t be changing back. 

This isn’t a phase.  

This is it.  This is me. 

Just like I posted very honestly and openly all of these years, I continue to do so.  That has not changed.  Fortunately for me, my ‘open and honest’ did include controversial, but it didn’t include crappy things before.  Now it does.  I will be open and honest…in the good times and the bad.  Just like I spoke out against wrong things and sin before…I will continue to do so…even when it’s in my own house.  

Listen to this very closely... 

The things I write about now were going on for a few *years* before I started writing about them…I remained silent for a long time.  So what I write about now has been thought about and thought through…for *years.*  These aren’t just some ‘reactionary’ ramblings.  No…in that silent time, all I did was pray and think and reason and research. 

That is all I did!!  That, and try to survive. 

And that is why I talk about them.  These things are important.  The information I share helps many people.  And it helps even more when I use my own experiences to relay these things. 

So, again… 

I won’t be changing back.  This is it.  This is me. 

Many of you seem to not like this.  Most of you were all smiles when I was open and honest all of these years in the good times.  But in the hard times?  Not so much.  

So…change is needed.  Why?  Because honestly…I can’t keep answering correspondence that constantly blatantly shows this kind of disapproval and disappointment with who I am.  It’s not because ‘it hurts me’ (although, it’s the absolute opposite of uplifting to get this kind of language sent to you along with false accusations about things, which are almost always included as well).  And, it’s not because I don’t like it when people disagree with me…that is a ludicrous lie that people tell when they’ve been caught in bad behavior.  But…I just don’t have time and energy to keep defending myself and giving my rationale.  I have other things to do.  Like heal and recover and be a good mama and try to stay married.   

And no to “Well, you should just stop talking about it publicly if you don’t have time and need to focus on other things.”   

:)  Again…I’m going to talk about it because that actually *does* help me to heal.  But, what I will no longer do is allow people to bombard me with this type of dialogue that requires my defending myself and providing rationale that has already been provided many times over.   

So, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to start over.   

Facebook is how I keep in contact with most of you.  Facebook is where I post most of this information that some people don’t like (whether what those people don’t like is the information itself, or how I do it, or the examples I use).   

In the next few days, I will be emptying my friends list.  Over 1500 Facebook friends…”goodbye."  

I’m giving you an out. 

So, in about a week, I will no longer be friends with you on Facebook.  When you notice that I’m not around anymore in your friends list, feel free to friend request me.  

Just know that in the future, I will not tolerate this kind of behavior any longer.  

Don’t lie to yourself right now.  Don’t get it wrong here.  

**I’m not starting over because there are people who don’t agree with me.**  I’m starting over because 1) some of the people who don’t agree with me treat me disrespectfully, and 2) some of the people who don’t agree with me will not let it go and will not stop trying to get me to change back even after we’ve talked extensively about how these changes are not temporary.  

And those things will no longer be tolerated. 

So…now it’s up to you.  I love keeping up with every one of you.  I love knowing about your lives and keeping in touch.  But…it’s up to you.  

I’ve now stated very clearly the situation.  I'll be posting this a few more times throughout the week to try to make sure everyone sees it.   

I look forward to getting friend requests again from some of you.  To you others who choose to not send me a friend request…I wish you the best. 

xoxo,
Michawn <><

I got so many comments on that and messages from people saying they were so glad I was going to do that.  They were all tired of the drama too...and tired of seeing people being nasty and accusatory with me.  People said over and over that they were so proud of me for (finally) standing up for myself in this way.  Apparently I should have done this much sooner instead of trying to 'be nice' (i.e. be a doormat for others to come and crap on).

I started out with 1575 friends the day I started.  My plan was to make sure everyone got this memo by messaging it to them personally, and then delete literally everyone.  Then whoever wanted to could add me back.  Did you know that you can't do that?  What?  Here was my update after I had tackled this major feat.

Nov. 8th -

it. is. finished!! 

i started this project just deleting everyone from my friends list after i knew they had seen the note about what i was doing (after sending them a message). i wanted to delete *everyone* (barring all Brazilian, portuguese-speaking friends), but Facebook won’t let you send the same message to all your friends (who knew?). and it won’t let you tag all your friends either. i kept being blocked from doing so (annoying). so, as time went on, i started to be more picky about who i unfriended (instead of just unfriending literally everyone) so as to make it a process that would only take a few days as opposed to a few weeks, ha. ;) ain’t nobody got time for that. truly. 

in the 600 people i deleted, surely i got rid of all the drama-makers and all the people who truly do not want to be here. i hope so!! 

**i can't stress this enough...please know that if i didn’t unfriend you and you kind of wish i had…just unfriend me. :) no hard feelings and i wish you the best. go with God. 

if you are still here, it’s because you fit into at least one of the following categories:
1. i never even see you or hear from you or have interactions with you on here…either you aren’t on here much at all or you don’t ever even see anything i post or you are just the type who looks but never comments…either way, no drama
2. i know that you could *care less* what i have to say, hahaha…therefore, no drama
3. you usually see things basically the way i see them anyway…therefore, no drama
4. i’ve discussed/debated hard topics with you before and you were firm, but completely respectful and kind, even though we had very different opinions…therefore, no drama 

obviously, i just want people who aren’t going to cause me any drama…and i know that you friends remaining appreciate the same. and in the future, i WILL NOT HESITATE to delete someone who is causing continuous drama, just fyi. 

of course there were a few people that fit into the #2, #3, or #4 categories in the people i deleted in the beginning, for sure. but since they were people that i interact with a lot, i knew that they knew what was going on here and the need for this. so…they are all adding me back, and hopefully we can all live happily ever after here, whether we have completely different viewpoints or not.  :)  

and now…over and out. my mission is complete. from 1575 down to 975 friends. thank you all and welcome to my new and improved Friends List. ;) 

‪#‎tired‬ ‪#‎soworththework‬ ‪#‎timetoveg‬

When I posted the notice that I was going to be purging my friends list, I did have one person who encouraged me not to do it...a dear friend who I graduated high school with (we were all really tight, having only 15 in my graduating class) who is now a pastor himself.  Part of what he said was this...

Use this platform as a pulpit...I think you are most effective and it would be a shame to see you lose the audience that God has put before you. I know it's hard to be so transparent before your enemy but there is a question that I beg you to ponder...what good is the light if it's not placed in darkness? You are the very symbol of what a woman a mother a wife should be. It would be a shame that people would no longer have this example to follow. You are a symbol of greatness and I think both the light and the dark should bear witness to this. Your patience and your love and your character may be what is needed. I have enjoyed your posts these few years and I'm sure many others have as well. My advice would be not to take your hand from the plow. I can't see how people would be so rude and objecting if you were not somehow affecting them? God bless your endeavors old friend! 

And...that is the very reason I had waited so long to do this.  I want to be able to share information with people...even if it's new and there might be some pushback.  I don't shy away from that.  I still lament sometimes the fact that most of the people that really need to hear and see what I share are no longer seeing and hearing those things...and no longer being exposed to those ideas at all (on Facebook anyway).  But, at the same time...sometimes you just know that a change is needed.  And peace comes from that change.  Here was my reply to my high school buddy...

shon, i love what you say here. i actually agree completely. that is why i've waited so so long to do this. i think, though, that sometimes things just have to change. and, sometimes the people who are hearing our words 1) truly don't want to hear them in the first place (that's their prerogative...why i'm giving them an out), or 2) they aren't the type who can hear what you have to say and learn from it (even if the lesson learned is simply how to be friends with someone you really disagree with)...it's kind of in the 'throwing pearls to swine' category. and so, you have to just wipe the slate clean and have a restart. i saw this video just a little bit ago and thought, this! this is why it's time. it happens to apply to my LIFE right now, not just my DAY. :) it's titled '4 Steps to Restart a Bad Day'...so change the title to '4 Steps to Restart a Bad Life,' lol. but, it very much applies and speaks to why i'm doing this now. THANK YOU for your words, shon...so encouraging and kind and full of truth. at this time, a purging is needed because like this video says...i don't have time for the drama and distractions. moving onward and upward. can't be bogged down anymore. i have to focus on the important things...and have some time to rest and heal and recover...and do what i'm called to do without drama and distractions. love you, my classmate...love keeping up with you and all you're called to do. you're awesome.

The following is the video I talked about.  Literally everywhere he says 'day' you can replace it with 'life' in my case.  :/  Sad, but true.  My life went to hell.  Because of the sin of one person, the lives of my children and I have been drastically altered.  The trajectory of our lives...forever changed.  But, we move on from here.  Here's the video...

"People who are on the path of purpose...they don't have time for drama.  Or distraction.  That stuff gets pushed to the side because they are busy crushing it every day.  They're high performers. They've gotten past the drama and the distractions in life, and they're contributing, they're creating, they're being proactive...they're becoming the leaders, the artists, the people who are the influencers and the thought-leaders of the day."

Sometimes you just truly need a reset.  This was a reset for me.  If it's "gone to crap"...don't stay, don't keep doing the same things you are doing.  I found that I was spending so much time interacting with the same people over and over, saying the same things over and over...people who only wanted to take offense or to try to refute the information I was sharing.  And that's good to engage in a dialogue at first when new information is shared.  But, 1) disrespect was the common trap they always fell into, and 2) after being asked the same things over and over, and giving the same answers over and over, and being accused of the same things over and over...it's just time to move on.  Time to reset. Time to leave that behind so that you can focus on what your true purpose is and move forward.

I enjoy much more peace now.  And instead of filling my time with those people on social media, I have been introduced to some new people...some really great groups of people who are like-minded and super supportive.  These groups have been a lifeline for me and I've met some really great people who are becoming my new friends.

How I made it all alone the past few years I will never know.  God was with me.  I had a couple of mainstay friends who were always there (even from afar) and I knew it.  98% of the people I thought were my friends were not.  But...I am now finding a new niche, a new place.

What has always been a life verse for me now has very, very different meaning.  What was always about missions before, is now about just moving on for the sake of what God has called me to through this mess.  What God has literally done in our lives.  God has sifted away the chaff in our lives...and is pulling us up out of the mess.  I have lost all of that, literally, that is listed in that verse. But, God is bringing about new things...healthier things...and we will receive a hundred times as much in return.  Thank God.

Matthew 19:29New Living Translation (NLT)

29 And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 71 - October on Facebook, 5}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Oct. 25th - I had just come off a really hard weekend.  It was painful and very, very difficult.  More remnants of bad, wrong, and detrimental teaching.  I posted this simple fact.

No matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it...some stories just don't have a happy ending.

Oct. 26th - I posted this...

This weekend was a fight. A literal all out BATTLE on the front lines...again. But I fought well...again. I am exhausted, but I am a mighty and brave warrior. Truly. If you only knew. 

Thank you to those who prayed, esp after seeing that status yesterday (which could have been about anything, but you knew and cared and prayed and asked about me...I wasn't fishing for or expecting that, but you loved well). Thank you. 

The story continues. At this point, each battle that comes threatens that continuation moreso than the last. But we'll see how it ends. 

Either way, for me?, this...

Oct. 27th - This picture (taken on the day our 2009 school year was completed) showed up in my memories.  And I captioned it by saying this:

":) Oh, the busy but simpler days.  Makes me sad.  And, comparatively, overwhelmed with life now.  Sometimes I wonder if these memories showing up in my newsfeed is a good thing, lol...anybody else feel like that?  But those sweet little faces!  That have now turned into almost grown faces.  Love seeing these baby versions." 

I wrote more in the comments.  Such truth here...

i knew that i was busy...but i was content and there was no stress, because even though there were always things that most people would find stressful (even in this picture, we were getting ready to travel back to the states and be away from our home for a total of a full year, bouncing around a LOT in 2010, in the states and in brazil), there was grace for that and the big thing...we worked as a team very, very well. that changed drastically a couple of years after this picture was taken.  

contentment in your life is such a great thing. there are some things that can't be changed and therefore you have to find a way to find contentment. but, there are some things that can be changed and a lack of contentment (lack of peace) is a sign for you that you have to fight for those things to be made right again in life so that contentment can return.

And that has been the truth of the past few years.  The lack of contentment is not because I am not 'choosing to be happy'...a phrase and concept so often bounced around by people...so often used to shame people who are in a place of hardship.  No...most often a lack of contentment isn't about not choosing to be happy...it is because there is a real problem that needs to be fixed and contentment won't return until it is.

Oct. 27th -

Beautiful. Powerful voice, powerful song.

"I see shattered, you see whole. I see broken, but you see beautiful. And you're helping me to believe You're restoring me, piece by piece."

Whether it's your own sins or the sins of others against you that have shattered you, He can make you whole again.  Beautiful.  I think it's very telling, by the way, that I always inadvertently sing "I am free" (instead of "I am clean") during the chorus.

Oct. 28th - While the things I speak of are very serious and most of the time I take that tone, you must also, at times, insert a little lightheartedness into the fight.  This, from Brené Brown, made me laugh.  :)

Oct. 31st -

"You don't just think outside the box. You don't even know there *is* a box."
I heard that on a TV show recently. But I think they were talking about me.

Then someone put in the comments something they'd heard on TV that they loved...something that I wouldn't include here except that it led to some words from me about boundaries.  What someone else shared was this quote:  "At some point, you have to make a decision.  Boundaries don't keep people out.  They fence you in.  Life is messy.  That's how we're made.  So you can waste your lives drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them."

Which...I personally completely disagree with.  Here was my reply:

i don't agree with this one in my own life...because when i set boundaries, it's all about putting the fence around others, not myself...so that i can then be *free* to move about. but, the crossing the lines part i like.

Boundaries are important...to provide you freedom, for yourself!

I wish for you all wisdom, safe & healthy relationships, and freedom.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 70 - October on Facebook, 4}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Oct. 23rd - I posted this article, called "Peace Out 'Love and Respect' Gender Roles," with these words...

Love and Respect?...naaah! Years ago we bought the book, we watched some DVDs. At the time we laughed about how, if this was true, the roles were definitely reversed with us. We laughed about it. Now?...Now things like this make me mad. Because it's all just a bunch of hogwash...and I see (and know personally) the damage it does. 

"Just as American Christians eventually let go of enslaving human beings in the name of the Bible, it is time to let go of ancient household structures that limit and oppress women in the home and church. We must distinguish between Pauline theology and cultural instructions to specific churches/Christians that are not timeless and universal truths."

Oct. 24th - I posted this...

To be truly seen and truly heard, to be truly held and healed...this is what it looks like.  To be truly known and understood...I'm realizing what a gift that is.  And how very, very rare that is.

And not because the wounded people are 'complicated.'  Not because they are difficult.  But because people aren't willing to view others in the right way.  They aren't willing to see hearts, to see aches, to touch and hold wounds (people don't even want to know about your wounds, much less touch them and hold them).

In my life pre-2012, it was rare that I'd been treated poorly by anyone.  And on the rare occasions I was, we were able to work it out quickly and easily.  I'm not into drama or long, drawn out conflicts. But, that was before ongoing and blatant mistreatment (oppression, abuse) was a part of my life. And, it was a part of my life, from 2012 on, all in the name of Jesus.  So, my saying that people were mistreating me when 'clearly' people were just taking action in my life because they just loved me and wanted me to be on the right path with Jesus (because 'clearly' I wasn't on Jesus' path for me if I wasn't just following my husband and doing whatever he wanted to do no matter if it put me in harm's way or not) was just me being a brat and being ungrateful for the love shown to me.  I wasn't being mistreated...I was being loved...in the name of Jesus.

It was all being done for Jesus.  My oppression and abuse was all done in Jesus' name...and is still being done because complementarianism dies hard and major remnants still remain.  Why does it die hard?  Because when your husband is taught, by his parents and everyone around him, as part of his foundation in how he relates to the world to have distrust in women simply because they are female and that men can always be trusted more, simply because they are male (please visit that link to see the very dangerous beliefs I'm talking about...what Joel was taught all his life), it makes for complete disharmony.  And when a husband doesn't trust his wife even though he has been given absolutely no reason to not trust her, except for the fact that she is female, and trusts others instead...betrayal. Disharmony and betrayal.  Always.  It's never-ending.

1.  When one is taught complementarianism, they don't see hearts...they see gender and all that they have been taught about gender; that females are always trying to usurp authority...and are prone to being controlling and manipulative.  They don't hear aches...they hear gender; that females are always ruled by their emotions and can't be trusted.  They don't touch and hold and heal wounds...because those wounds are not even real; they are made up, wrongly perceived wounds that are only there because the 'wounded' female has, once again, blown something out of proportion.  The female has, once again, made mountains out of molehills...because she is ruled by emotions and wants to control and manipulate.  Women can't be trusted!  And you never, ever, ever speak ill of your husband...ever. It doesn't matter if what he is doing is literally killing you...you keep your mouth shut and 'trust God.' If you start to speak out, that makes you even more untrustworthy than your simple femaleness made you in the first place.  So, you are the least trustworthy person there is.

2.  Within the church in general, they don't see hearts, they don't hear aches, and they don't touch/hold/heal wounds.  Most often it is because of #1, but even if they don't have complementarian beliefs working against them...people have stopped being caring.  They have stopped being compassionate...esp. about people in situations such as mine.  They are busy, they blame victims, they are cynical and untrusting...and just generally blind to others' real and true needs.

This meme provides the perfect model for how ALL of God's people should be with each other...and with everyone in the world at large.

What this image says is what it would mean and what it would look like to truly be God's hands and feet!  It is so so rare though.  Let's change that!!  Please!

Oct. 25th - I posted this article, called "8 Reasons We May Need to Cut Ties with Family Members to be Healthy."  I got some very supportive comments...people who have had to do the same and are so much more at peace on the other side.  The way it should be.  Here's an excerpt...

Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions we may face in life because we are conditioned to believe that to terminate relationships with "family" is morally and inherently wrong. The facts are that "family members" are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren't family we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us. Therefore, under the ideal of family, we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we "have to" because these people are our family. We are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them that we are "bad" and no one wants to be or feel like they are an inherently bad person.

Great article.  Great information.

Several new posts will be made here this week...check back soon.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 69 - October on Facebook, 3}

The next several posts will be me sharing some of the things I've posted on Facebook that I want to preserve here on my blog.  Good stuff.  I also usually go into more detail about each thing that I posted on Facebook here...more explanation, more information.  So, here we go...

Oct. 15th -

a short but *excellent* article called "Stop Pretending Sexism is a Legitimate Religious Belief." sooo good.   

and...the link at the bottom to jimmy carter's TED talk (placed below for your convenience)...check it out...it is also most excellent. i love carter's last point, which sadly is so true: "in general, men don't give a damn." let's turn the tide, boys. read this article...watch that video. then ask yourself, what are you going to do about it?

Oct. 16th -

i read this yesterday and was clapping. i so love this. the double standards in how we relate to each other and what we automatically think of each gender is just astounding...and literally sickening. and...so very, very distorted, untrue, and damaging. loved the kinds of things she said like this... 

"I’m over trying to find the 'adorable' way to state my opinion and still be likable!" 

i mean, yes!! 

**language alert

Why Do I Make Less Than My Male Co‑Stars? 

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When Lena first brought up the idea of Lenny to me, I was excited. Excited to speak to Lena, who I think is a genius, and excited to start thinking about what to complain about (that’s not what she pitched me, it’s just what I’m gonna do). When it comes to the subject of feminism, I’ve remained ever-so-slightly quiet. I don’t like joining conversations that feel like they’re “trending.” I’m even the asshole who didn’t do anything about the ice-bucket challenge — which was saving lives — because it started to feel more like a “trend” than a cause. I should have written a check, but I fucking forgot, okay? I’m not perfect. But with a lot of talk comes change, so I want to be honest and open and, fingers crossed, not piss anyone off.

It’s hard for me to speak about my experience as a working woman because I can safely say my problems aren’t exactly relatable. When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with dicks, I didn’t get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need. (I told you it wasn’t relatable, don’t hate me).

But if I’m honest with myself, I would be lying if I didn’t say there was an element of wanting to be liked that influenced my decision to close the deal without a real fight. I didn’t want to seem “difficult” or “spoiled.” At the time, that seemed like a fine idea, until I saw the payroll on the Internet and realized every man I was working with definitely didn’t worry about being “difficult” or “spoiled.” This could be a young-person thing. It could be a personality thing. I’m sure it’s both. But this is an element of my personality that I’ve been working against for years, and based on the statistics, I don’t think I’m the only woman with this issue. Are we socially conditioned to behave this way? We’ve only been able to vote for what, 90 years? I’m seriously asking — my phone is on the counter and I’m on the couch, so a calculator is obviously out of the question. Could there still be a lingering habit of trying to express our opinions in a certain way that doesn’t “offend” or “scare” men?

A few weeks ago at work, I spoke my mind and gave my opinion in a clear and no-bullshit way; no aggression, just blunt. The man I was working with (actually, he was working for me) said, “Whoa! We’re all on the same team here!” As if I was yelling at him. I was so shocked because nothing that I said was personal, offensive, or, to be honest, wrong. All I hear and see all day are men speaking their opinions, and I give mine in the same exact manner, and you would have thought I had said something offensive.

I’m over trying to find the “adorable” way to state my opinion and still be likable! Fuck that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. It’s just heard. Jeremy Renner, Christian Bale, and Bradley Cooper all fought and succeeded in negotiating powerful deals for themselves. If anything, I’m sure they were commended for being fierce and tactical, while I was busy worrying about coming across as a brat and not getting my fair share. Again, this might have NOTHING to do with my vagina, but I wasn’t completely wrong when another leaked Sony email revealed a producer referring to a fellow lead actress in a negotiation as a “spoiled brat.” For some reason, I just can’t picture someone saying that about a man.

Oct. 20th - I know that many of you have been disturbed by the fact that I no longer go to church. And while I love God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit...and while I love God's idea for the church...1) I/we need healing that a church cannot/will not/does not provide (only Jesus and good counseling can do that), and 2) there are no churches around us that would be anywhere near the type of church we would attend given what we believe to be true about God and His Word. 

When healing has come to my marriage, and we can start branching out to others in our lives again (the few that remain...and the new people that God is bringing into our lives), we might seek out a church that meets our needs and beliefs.  I have no idea what that will look like in our lives.  Will we end up even moving?  What does our future hold?!?...we have no idea.  But, as I said here...

i had read this post and was getting ready to share this link (below...be sure to read it too) and then close the window to that link (*website currently under construction, so I can't provide the actual link here on the blog at this time). but then i read a few comments. i'm soooo glad i did. one commenter put into words what i've been trying to formulate in my own thoughts and verbalizations for so long now. it's so logical and bottom-lined. i'm so glad to have read her words. 

~Your post hits on one of THE biggest issues in the egalitarian movement: UNITY – and the question of fighting from within or leaving. 

Sarah begins Jesus Feminist by inviting us outside to a bonfire on the beach. The Introduction is one of my favorite parts of the whole book. Tears streamed when I read Sarah’s words about ‘The Table.’ 

She writes: 

“I’ve got a crazy idea for you. Let’s be done lobbying for a seat at the Table.” 

And a few paragraphs later she continues, 

“I want to be outside with the misfits, with the rebels, the dreamers, second-chance givers, the radical grace lavishers, the ones with arms wide open, the courageously vulnerable, and among even – or maybe especially – the ones rejected by the Table as not worthy enough or right enough. The Table may be loud and dominant, but love and freedom are spreading like yeast. I see hope creeping in, destabilizing old power structures. I feel it in the ground under my feet. I hear it in the stories of the people of God living right now. We’re whispering to each other, eyes alight, ‘Aslan is on the move.’” 

And she finishes with, 

“And someday – I really believe this – we will throw our arms around the people of the Table as they break up the burnished oak. We’ll be there to help them heave it out the windows, smashing every glass ceiling…” 

My goodness that is some breathtakingly good writing. 

There are so many of us that are desperate for that day to come. You, me, Rachel, Sarah…but we haven’t agreed on the best way to make it happen. 

Jory – you write in your post, “It’s time to throw our Bibles in our duffel bags, let go of fear, join forces, and drive to the ‘enemy’s camp’ to take back what He stole from us.” I LOVE your zeal. Your vim and vigor. And believe me, we are DEFINITELY on the same team. 

But, I don’t think the “enemy’s camp” is worth taking back. Complementarians can keep the church they have created. Most ministries need money to survive. Churches – whether we like it or not – need offerings to keep the heat on and the communion table stocked. 

Every Sunday that egalitarians sit in complementarian churches and support their ministry (particularly financially), they are perpetuating a system of unBiblical oppression. I don’t see how we can ethically fight this fight from the inside.  

Would you give money to a ministry that supported slavery? Would you stay in a church that preached that God didn’t intend for races to intermarry? 

There are some things that are so important – they justify DIS-unity. And this is one of them. 

When I discovered egalitarianism, I stopped giving to complementarian ministries.
My heart is in your fight, but rather than throwing my Bible in a duffle bag to take back what we should have never been denied - - I put my money in a duffle bag and left (and now give to ministries that don’t perpetuate complementarianism). 

It’s nice outside the bubble of evangelicalism. There’s a whole lot of love out here. I can see Sarah’s bonfire on that beach from all the way down here in Savannah, Georgia. 

There are bonfires burning everywhere. We don’t need to fight. Our bonfires will grow while it gets colder and more empty inside complementarian churches. 

Complementarians can keep their walls and glass steeples. The sky’s the limit out here.~

One thing I know is that my life will never look the same as far as church goes.  My eyes have been opened to so many things these past few years concerning Christianity.  So many harmful things...all excused away, and most of it even explained away framed in what sounds very 'holy' and 'righteous.' Many very anti-Jesus notions that are believed to be completely Biblical and part of God's plan. When it comes right down to it, the church is cold and uncaring and unkind and nothing at all close to what God ever had in mind.

So thankful to have been exposed to the truth of the reality of the church...and to be able to go in a different direction.  Hopefully, eventually, change will come to the church...and God's people will actually start acting like God's people.  I pray that this occurs, for the sake of all involved.  

Joel. Michawn. {Part 68 - October on Facebook, 2}

If you are new to this blog, feel free to just peruse the past 10 years (have I really been blogging that long?!?).  But, for the past year and a half, I have been blogging about a specific time in our lives that began in January 2012.  The first post of that series is right here...from October 2014.  Welcome!

The next several posts will be me sharing some of the things I've posted on Facebook that I want to preserve here on my blog.  Good stuff.  I also usually go into more detail about each thing that I posted on Facebook here...more explanation, more information.  So, here we go...

Oct. 12th - This is self-explanatory.  So good.  And so true.

Oct. 13th - This was something that had been shared on Facebook by someone else.  Soooo good.  I had to share it too.  This image with these words...

No more memes telling people not to talk about their problems in the name of positivity. It's not healthier not to talk about your problems. It's just less real. People are unhappy after spending time on facebook because their lives seem crappy compared to the punched up, edited version of someone else's. Talking about problems can bring us closer to those we love or are getting to know. Talking about problems can help many people work out solutions. Talking about problems can help others who struggle with the same things feel like they're not alone. Of COURSE we should talk about our blessings and have positive, grateful habits. But don't shame anyone for sharing struggles. That honesty has power to create communities and heal hearts. Share your blessings, share your curses, and we'll bear the burdens and celebrate the joys TOGETHER.

Others' accusations about being negative when you're just being honest is exhausting...mostly because it's just not true.  I've learned that most people are so narrow-minded that they can't see a bigger picture.  They can't see past the end of their nose, or past the words that are said.  They can't see what the writer of the above words knows and sees.

And the truth is that most people, if they had been listened to and believed and helped in the first place, wouldn't have anything more to talk about.  For instance, had I been listened to and helped by 'church people' and certain 'friends' and certain 'family members' in the first place instead of turned against in my time of need, I would still be sharing my story about what happened in my marriage, but I would be able to talk about how much family and friends and the church, God's wonderful people, had come and 'beared each other's burdens' with me and 'weeped when I weeped and rejoiced when I rejoiced' with me.  Yet that didn't happen.  So, the same people who think to themselves (and also say it out loud) 'man, she sure has gotten negative' are the very ones who could have helped the hard parts of my story to end with struggles between my husband and me.  Yet, these other issues got heaped on to my already very difficult life.

God's people are failing so miserably at this.  At empathy, at compassion, at love.

My eyes have been opened.

My friend told me last night that it's always been like this...I've just never been on the receiving end of it like she has.  So before all of this I'd never seen it before to this extent or noticed just how rampant it is...and what a disease it is in God's people.  And that's exactly what it is...a spiritual disease...killing God's witness and power.

No wonder people hate Christians.  I always completely understood that...but, now I understand it with even more depth.

I've seen people.  I've seen people try to get to know God and try to give Him the benefit of the doubt...try to go to church and learn from others about God and His love.  They try.  Yet, they walk away wondering how the people they know that don't know God are nicer, more loving people.  And they want no part of the church.  

When people tell their story, you listen and you believe and you rejoice when they rejoice and weep when they weep.  You don't complain about them telling their story.  You don't accuse them of being negative just because they have a hard story to tell, even if that hard part takes up a major part of their life at the time.

You can't just 'positive thinking' something away.  There has to be an honesty about what is going on in the first place...an acknowledgment.  Without that, there is no change...there is no growth.

"...don't shame anyone for sharing struggles. That honesty has power to create communities and heal hearts. Share your blessings, share your curses, and we'll bear the burdens and celebrate the joys TOGETHER."

Oct. 13th - Also on that day, I shared the soul mate clip again.  But, I had just had a conversation with someone that prompted even more words about it...

i'm sharing this again, with a little added. just had a conversation about this subject and about this clip with someone else. your spouse really should be your biggest cheerleader ever. EVER. 

as pertains to women specifically though, here's the thing... 

we want a best friend husband. we don't just want it...it's a need. what is needed in marriage is someone who will support you and encourage you and say, "you're terrific." 

we don't need a critic husband.
we don't need a leader husband.
we don't need a 'head' husband.
we don't need a holy spirit husband.
we don't need a 'god' husband.
we need a best *friend.* 

so often, this doesn't happen. you might start off as friends. but, then your husband turns into a critic. he critiques you. and then he invites others in to your own personal marriage to critique you. 

and wrong theology gives him the right to do this. he is the leader after all. the head. he is 'responsible' for you. and if he thinks that something is wrong with *you,* then he has the right to convince others...and they believe him because he is the responsible leader. 

this clip. this clip speaks truth. a spouse is not supposed to be a critic or a leader or a savior. a spouse is supposed to be a best friend. if something goes wrong, as best friends you truly listen to each other and believe each other and work through it. 

no leader or savior or critic needed.  

‪#‎deathtohierarchy‬
‪#‎deathtocomplementarianism‬
‪#‎deathtowrongtheology‬

Oct. 14th - People who stand up for equality don't hate the people they are not yet equal with.  They just want equality.  So, when people say that feminists are man-haters...it's just a bit ridiculous.

Even when people say things like this, it isn't as a hater of men.  It might be in hate of the idea that men and women aren't treated equally.  But, not in hate of men.  So...stop making that accusation too.  ;)

I shared this though because...it is so very true.  Man's rationales are so very often not rational at all. Correct?  This wonderful, strong slave woman speaks truth unapologetically.  And I love it.

Oct. 14th - I posted these words with this video...

1. one comment on this video starts out, "I used to believe that I wasn't the victim of sexism..." i can *so* relate to that. it was all around me, always, constantly (i lived with it in my home). but, that statement was how i believed too. looking back now, i see how it affected me more than i realized, my whole life. and, in the past 3 ½ years, there's nothing that can describe me in my situation (or describe my almost-killed marriage) other than 'a victim of sexism.' 

2. i have identified as a feminist before...and was continually shamed. i didn't un-identify because of that shame, but because of the bad theology i was eventually fed and bought into. but, there are so many connotations that come with the word 'feminist.' first and foremost in my world, as a *very* pro-life Christian, feminists are so often lumped into the 'pro-choice' category. but, that is just simply not accurate. so...feminism does NOT = pro-choice. that's the first lesson. there is nothing about feminism that is emasculating (truthfully...'emasculation' shouldn't even be a word in our vocabulary or a concept that is thrown around). that is the second lesson. and for some further points, check out the video below. it's really very simple. 

nobody has to use this word. but, if you choose to use it (or condemn it), be sure you know what it means.

It's interesting to read the comments to that video post...not on my page, but the original post on another page.  One girl says:

"I am not a feminist. I do understand what the term means. And I don't identify as a feminist because I don't see the point. I actually feel privileged to be a woman in this country right now. I have had all the opportunities of my male counterparts, and where I haven't succeeded, it's because I didn't try hard enough. Men have not held me down -- I have. And I'm woman enough to admit that."

Of course there were several replies to her comment.  But this man's response basically just summed it up:

"Why does the fact that you don't feel oppressed imply that women as a group are not oppressed?"

Other replies went into how it was great that she didn't feel oppressed, but...

1) She was privileged and terribly nearsighted since soooo many women the world over are blatantly oppressed...and not just in the world at large, but women right next to her in the United States and her region (which is true of all of us...esp. in what is referred to as 'conservative Christianity');  another man said to her:

"I gotta say, that's pretty self-centered of you. 'I got mine, so who cares?' I can celebrate your successes, but your lack of empathy for others who might not have been so fortunate is disturbing."

2) Even if she as a woman has escaped oppression for most of her life, you never know when it might strike.  She might still experience it in her lifetime personally.  As you can read in my #1 up above the video, I would have said the same thing...that I didn't believe I was a victim of sexism.  This huge blatant event in the past few years just shone a light on my life as a whole...and just how held back I was in many areas, all because I was female.

There is a belief that people who are oppressed should just get themselves out from under that oppression.  It's up to them.

That is not how it works.  Are these people supposed to use every opportunity that comes along?  Are they supposed to be good stewards of the opportunities that come along so that they can get out from under the oppression?  Definitely.

But, not everyone has those opportunities come along.  The ones who have escaped whatever oppression they are under did so because they were provided with a very specific escape route.  They had a teacher take special interest in them and help them.  They were provided with someone else in their life that believed in them and helped them out.

It is impossible for one to do alone.  Oppression isn't escaped alone.

The oppression I was under, very heavily starting in 2012...a few would say "You're responsible for yourself...no matter what others are doing." Well, if you are being oppressed, you aren't free to make decisions and carry them out.   You don't have the means.

And very specifically in my case, you can't just do the right thing for you and your family when you are yoked to someone else...and that someone you are yoked to believes you to be inferior in decision-making skills and reasoning and rationalization...and your yoke-mate has brought others all around you and told them all that you are depressed and have gone crazy and aren't dependable and can't be believed...and the theological belief system that you and everyone around you is a part of looks at you as inferior and not credible and untrustworthy because you are the 'weaker vessel.'

When everything around you is working so hard against you, you aren't free.  You might know what the right thing is...but you aren't free to do it.

Oppression is a very real thing.  And you can't escape it alone.

That's one of the reasons God wanted His people to come together and be love and be hope and bear each other's burdens.  He wanted us to truly see each other.

Oh yeah...but God's people are too busy being irritated by people who have negative parts in their lives.

And how dare you speak about it if you do.

You're oppressed?...suck it up, buttercup.  Do something about it if you don't like it.  But stop being so negative and stop talking about it.

That is the attitude of the church.  And that is the exact opposite of the attitude of Jesus.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18-19)

The Amplified Version states...

"To set free those who are oppressed (downtrodden, bruised, crushed by tragedy)"

I cannot tell you just how downtrodden, bruised, and crushed by tragedy (back-to-back Level 10 traumas) I was.

Yet, no 'Christian people' came to provide relief or an escape from the oppression I was under...they only came with more accusations.

As usual, I share my story to bring about change.  I tell the truth in order for change to happen.

Church...you MUST do better.  You're doing it wrong.  So very, very wrong.

Turn to God and His ways.  Being His hands and feet (a phrase you love to use) doesn't just involve going on week-long mission trips or donating money or praying for widows and orphans.

Being His hands and feet involves freeing the oppressed.  And they are all around you.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 67 - October on Facebook, 1}

Just sharing here some of the things I have shared on Facebook, along with a few other things.

Oct. 2nd - I shared this article with these words/this excerpt from the article...

oh my GOSH, this is good. 10 phrases...that should be done away with. then further educational information about how to care for people in crisis. as someone who was in the first (emergent, resuscitative, still-with-the-source-of-damage) stage for over 4 years with nobody to help me (that is *shameful,* people), read this article (not just the image that shows up down below) and pay attention, please. because i survived, but not everyone does. 

~The best analogy I have for people in acute crisis is looking at them as burn victims. Caring for burn victims is divided into three stages that overlap. 

Burn care has a lot to teach us about loving and caring for people in crisis. And those who care for burn victims rarely use clichés — they are too busy caring. 

“There is something about suffering that longs for someone to sit with us through the pain. It’s the fellowship of suffering. It’s the words ‘you are not alone’ put into action. The sitting bears witness to our pain. More than a card or a casserole, the familiar, patient presence of another says to us ‘it’s too much for you to bear, but I will be with you, I will sit with you.'”~

Oct. 2nd - I posted this incredible video of Brené Brown .  I've come to find that...I'm a badass.  And I've also come to find that...the people that were in my life aren't comfortable with badasses.  People aren't comfortable with authentic, honest human beings.  They don't like it when people rumble with the hard things instead of just going along with status quo and not questioning anything.

I love what she says here.  I pray for more badasses to rise up.  I'm raising up 4 little badasses myself.  :)



Oct. 4th - Just for fun (and because I was really feeling that way during that process that day, realizing yet again all that I've been through), I posted this.  Hahaha.

i've been going back through all that has happened and been done, by multiple people, in the past 3 ¾ years (something i have to do for our counselor). all. day. long. for the past 11 hours...no exaggeration (got up to go to the bathroom once). i'm only about halfway done. 

can i just say that if i haven't killed someone by now, i need to be awarded sainthood!! 

#‎notevenkidding‬!! 

#‎becauseireallywanttoputthehurtonSOMEbody‬ 

#‎stmichawnofreadhimer‬

Oct. 4th - I have never seen religiosity as much as I've seen it these past 4 years.  People who use language that sounds so very holy and spiritual, yet they themselves are so very far from acting like Jesus Christ.  They are blinded by tradition and fundamental things they have been taught...but are actually found nowhere in the Bible if they'd do some digging.   And many of these same people love to blame the devil for things.  "The devil is just coming against your marriage"..."The devil has deceived your wife," etc.  While I'm quite sure the devil was very happy our marriage was flailing, one man's sin and these people's divisiveness were the culprits, not the devil.

I posted this picture, along with these words...

‬

daaaaaaang... 

"it's easier to find that everything is the devil, for the devil you just cast out, but character you have to deal with." 

‪#‎falantedaverdade‬

Oct. 6th - I shared this picture and these words...

3 years ago this week we moved into this house. we'd been living out of those packed suitcases on the floor in that picture for 4 1/2 months at that point. we were *all* beyond exhausted...tiny and cute cass included. man...what a twisted path our lives have taken since then...that was only the very tiny beginning of the chaos. never planned this path. never thought in a million years this would be our reality. but, here we are. although the future is very unclear, this picture makes me so very thankful the past few years are over. it makes me sad, too, of course, about all that happened after this picture was taken. sad about where we are now. but, we continue to survive. and, hopefully, we will continue to gradually walk out of the chaos. thanks for the love and support for me and the kids that has come our way...you know who you are. 

Oct. 7th - One of the best bottom-liners there is...

I mean, so true. And so stupid to think otherwise. This is truly a black and white issue. 

Oct. 8th - I posted this picture and these words...

:) funny (in the 'truth hurts' kind of way)...

This is almost always a good definition of a Mama.  But sadly, not as often the definition of a man.

Oct. 9th - I have never called Joel my soul mate.  Ever.  I've never called anyone my soul mate.  LOL. I just don't use that term.  Ever.  But, I love what she says here.  And I really love what she says about spouses...how easy, how simple, how loving it should be.

Your spouse IS supposed to be your best friend...your greatest champion, your biggest fan.  As I said in my last blog post, a spouse is to be a perfect match…spouses are two parts of equal weight leaning against one another.  It's not that you won't ever have hard things to discuss.  But, within the hard things, you are each other's biggest fan...and best friend.  That's the way it is supposed to be.

Oct. 10th - This made me laugh.  And I don't feel this way in a vengeful kind of way. But...it makes me laugh that people thought they could come against me and slander me and believe awful untrue things about me and treat me like crap and be so divisive in my marriage...and still think that they could have us in their lives.  LOL!  It makes me laugh to think that people thought they could be unsafe, unrepentant people...and yet still have us.

Oh honeys...that is the furthest thing from the truth.  While it's not what I wanted or imagined at all, I will never put myself or my children in unsafe positions and with unsafe people again...with people who believe such untruths and do such awful things and bully people and remain unrepentant.  Not happening.

You can move on and you can even let go of what they have done to you.  No grudges. But, people like that should be, and are, declared enemies of your soul.

They thought I'd just go along with it all.  They thought wrong.

A Little Introduction to Egalitarianism

I don’t think I’d ever seen anything posted by a particular local church in my area in my news feed. I’m always logged into Facebook, but am hardly ever on during the day on weekdays.  But yesterday afternoon as I sat waiting for one of my kids to get done with a class in another town, I opened Facebook and there was a link to this post on the church blog.

I debated within myself whether to comment on the blog at all.  Would it irritate people...even more than people are already irritated with me?  Would it cause more stress and trouble for me than it was worth?

I decided to write something out when I got home and then decide if I would put it in a comment or not.  It turned out very matter-of-fact and informational.  So I decided to post it on the blog.

The blog is moderated and my comment was not approved...one of the several reasons given was because of length.  So, I decided to just share it here.  My comment...

I definitely don’t share here to be argumentative or antagonistic.  Or to ‘come against’ anyone personally.  I just wanted to say that up front and hope that you don’t take it that way.  While we have differing viewpoints about this issue (and probably others) at this point, I do hope that we can still be considered friends.  

But, I do want to share because, although I didn’t have a word for it, complementarianism was all I was ever taught.  I so wish I had been taught the other primary option as well so that I could have made an informed choice myself.  And most people who will read this church blog probably have never learned of anything different.  So, I want to share ‘the other side’ of it.

The other side of complementarianism is actually not a ‘liberal’ side…or a ‘liberal’ theology.  It is called egalitarianism, and it is just simply a theology based around a different way of interpreting scripture.  It, in general, 1) looks at scriptures as they were taught along with why they were being taught that way…taking a look at culture and what kinds of things were actually going on during those times in those places, and 2) looks at the Bible as a whole, and focuses on the theme throughout and what lines up with that.

It’s been called a ‘new’ theology by some.  But it is, in fact, as old as the Garden.

Adam and Eve were created to be equal partners.  Co-laborers.  As Sarah Bessey (a wife, mom, writer, and egalitarian) shares in one of her books:  Ezer (the name God gave Eve…a name He actually uses for Himself many times in scripture…means strong ally/warrior) is coupled with kenegdo, and is typically translated into ‘helpmeet.’ Ezer kenegdo actually means man’s perfect match…two parts of equal weight leaning against one another.  One biblical scholar and theologian, Victor P. Hamilton, says this about it:  “Kenegdo suggests that what God creates for Adam will correspond to him.  Thus the new creation will be neither a superior nor an inferior but an equal.  The creation of this helper will form one-half of a polarity, and will be to man as the South Pole is to the North Pole.  She will be his strongest ally in pursuing God’s purposes and his first roadblock when he veers off course.”

God didn’t set up a masculine rule as His standard and plan for humanity.  No…it was masculine and feminine together, bearing the image of God.  New Testament scholar at Fuller Seminary, J.R. Daniel Kirk says, “Only this kind of shared participation in representing God’s reign to the world is capable of doing justice to the God whose image we bear.”

If a woman is held back, minimized, pushed down, downplayed…or simply is ‘under' her husband…she is not walking in the fullness God intended for her as His image bearer, as His Ezer warrior. Also, if a husband is walking in an authority ‘over’ his wife…he is also not walking in the fullness God intended for him as His image bearer.  He is walking along without a part in the correct place…the part that is supposed to be corresponding to him…the equal pull…the North Pole to his South Pole.

When the fall happened, sin entered…along came power and hierarchy and inequality and mistreatment and abuse and all kinds of other horrible things.

But, then Jesus came…to break us free from all sin.  To return us to what God intended from the start.  Which, among other things, includes equality.

Not ‘equal, but different’…but just equal.
Not ‘equal as in same’…but just equal.
Equal worth, equal value, equal authority (as much authority as humans have anyway).

Callings based on giftings, not gender.

Roles based on gifts and callings, not gender.

A stroll through the New Testament reveals that this was the way it was done with Jesus and His church.

What about those scriptures in the New Testament that “clearly say” certain things about roles of men and women?  The phrase ‘lost in translation’ exists because it really happens.  Often.  Having learned another language now, I know this well.  There are certain things you can as-closely-as-possible translate from one language to another…and it still just completely loses its real/full meaning.  This is so very true of the Bible as well…because if you haven’t researched and don’t understand the culture of the day and what was happening in those times, it just doesn’t mean the same.

When I first saw this in a practical way concerning the Bible, I was part of a study going through the book Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus: How the Jewishness of Jesus Can Transform Your Faith. Great book…I highly recommend it!  But I was floored by how much we miss simply because we are going by what the Bible “clearly says” as translated in the King James Version, or any of the other English translations…instead of going back to the original language.  And because we have no idea about the culture and norms of everyday life there...really learning about the culture and what this phrase or that would have actually meant back then in that context completely revolutionizes what English translations “clearly say."  It was amazing the difference and how much more meaning was there when you actually learned those things.

It’s kind of like the video here on this page, talking about 1 Timothy 2:9-15.  What great insight is gained once you really study the culture, original text, and history of that time!  (video actually posted here for your convenience...)

Of course, you have to be able to heed the words of a wise friend of mine from college (a Baptist college)…an egalitarian now, married to an egalitarian distinguished New Testament scholar:  "One of the problems with Christians who hold the Bible in such high regards is that we can sometimes get mixed up and hold our interpretation of the Bible as high as Scripture itself. So when someone comes along and challenges that interpretation, they don't see it as a personal challenge but a challenge against God's word! And those are fighting words!”

We have to be willing to go back to the original language, and consider the culture and happenings of the time.

Again, a paraphrased excerpt from Sarah Bessey:  Marriage within the Kingdom isn’t an exercise in authority and headship…or a list of roles and rules and responsibilities.  Marriage is a beautiful example of oneness and cooperation, an image of the dance of the Trinity in perfect unity.  When Paul likened marriage to the relationship between Christ and the church, it wasn’t an exhortation to hierarchy.  Christ’s relationship with us as the church is characterized by His crazy love and sacrificial giving, not power grabbing.  Paul’s words remind us that Christ gave Himself up for the Church, cleansed her, and loved her.

Since Jesus had arrived on the scene, many things were different.  He met with and talked to (even alone) women.  He lifted them up…constantly.  He gave them important roles…and his followers after Him did as well.  Paul and others didn’t necessarily fight against cultural norms.  Cultural norms, at that time, did see men as the patriarch, but that was, more often than not, not so within the church at that time.  Paul wasn’t fighting cultural norms…but he did provide counsel as to how a Christian marriage could work within those cultural norms…and it was to look very different.  Why? Because those cultural norms (of man being the ruler or in authority) were never God’s ideal.

Husbands’ imitation of this picture of Christ would not involve holding onto their society-given rights and powers, but emptying themselves of them.  And that is what that passage is about.  The marriage relationship is not like Christ’s relationship with the church in every sense. And the sense that is given by this particular passage is not authority and subordination, but oneness. Marriage typifies Christ and the church because both relationships become “one flesh” relationships. Complementarianism does not teach true 'one flesh’…because part of your flesh can’t be in authority over another part of your flesh.  See that?  Complementarianism doesn’t teach partnership.  It teaches hierarchy.  (you can read more about that passage here, and on other countless websites...not written by the blog owner, but by a guest writer in this particular post)

Of course there is so much more I could say.  I should be able to…I’ve researched and studied these two theologies for a few years now.

I don’t even touch on my own personal experience with complementarianism here.  Or the fact that any time you teach that one person has authority over the other, there is a huge risk for abuse.

“Not if the husband is truly loving his wife” some might say.  But, that is false.  Because complementarianism teaches very specifically that if the man perceives the woman to have lost her way, the loving and sacrificing (just like Christ) thing to do is to do whatever it takes to help her find her way again.  And it employs some pretty harsh and abusive ways…treating her as though she is sinful, as though she is a child...‘rising up’ and taking charge in trying to get her ‘help,’ even if that includes talking about her to others behind her back…accusing her of being unholy…playing the victim and turning others against her…deeming everything he does himself acceptable, even though he would never do those things to a business partner, but his life partner he will…all in the name of love.  Truly.  And all counsel and mentors steering him in this direction.  I could go on and on here too.  I could also point you to soooo many other stories…all very similar.  All done in love as taught by complementarianism.  Man is the head, man is responsible for his family, man must take charge in these dizzying moments when nothing makes sense.  And complementarianism teaches that woman is easily deceived and the weaker vessel (I've heard waaaay more sermons that talked about Delilah than I ever have about Deborah; when I did hear about Deborah, she was only put in power because no men were stepping up to the job, not because God put her there).  No wonder men and their counselors and mentors go about things the way they do.

One of my favorite quotes…because it’s just so based in common sense:

~If a husband tells a wife that she is "equal in worth," but demands that he has the final say on important matters and claims that his opinion/authority holds heavier weight than hers in the family unit, then is she really equal in worth?~ -Jory Micah

But…more important than our common sense is what God says.  And you can’t know that simply by reading what english translations “clearly say.” Because what they “clearly say” is most often about as clear as mud (and inaccurate or even just straight up false) when given the original language, the culture of the day, and the history of the time.

Egalitarianism is much more common than I ever knew having grown up with only complementarian teaching.  Methodist, Vineyard Churches, Nazarene, Lutheran, Episcopal, Free Methodist, Assembly of God, and even some Southern Baptist congregations…these are all egalitarianism denominations, although not an exhaustive list.  Some of the most famous and celebrated Christian men and women have been/are egalitarian…Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade), Loren Cunningham (founder of YWAM), Greg Boyd, Clay and Sally Clarkson, Jen Hatmaker, Ann Voskamp, etc.  Even many of the people who settle into ‘traditional’ roles are egalitarian.  I wrote about one such couple, a friend of mine, here.  I didn’t know she was egalitarian until she recently wrote me.  It’s a great account!  As I said there: Deeply devout and conservative Christians who are opposed to patriarchy of any sort do exist...and they are much more plentiful than anyone raised in patriarchy and complementarianism know.

So much more I could say, but I will end.  Feel free, whoever might see this, to ask me questions and discuss this further…or even debate, although I prefer no rudeness or snark.  :)

Also, there are a couple of really great websites full of great resources (articles, books, teachings, etc.) that I want to share:
CBE International
and
The Junia Project

Oh, how I wish I had been given this information as I grew up...information on both sides...so that I could make an informed decision myself.  My prayer is that you are able to get a little glimpse into what Egalitarianism is here...and that you will continue to research until you can make an informed choice, whatever choice that may be.

This isn’t something that makes or breaks our salvation.  But, it is a pretty important issue.  It can definitely make or break our marriages, as I know full well (and I’m definitely not the only one).

Thank you for letting me present the other side.  And I look forward to discussing it with you.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 66 - September on Facebook, 3}

If you missed it, I said this in the first part of this series:  "The next few posts will be catch-up from Facebook posts.  I'm going all the way back to September to begin.  Yes, it's been that long since I've played catch-up."

So...let's continue...

Sept. 22nd - This image is self-explanatory:

I've had basically zero safety, peace, and trust in about 95% of my relationships (that I thought were really amazing relationships full of those things) the past few years.  People have been weeded out of my life like crazy.  Because those three things (plus just basic humanity) were missing.  I've learned a lot (of crappy things, honestly) about people.

Sept. 26th - I've noticed this all along...but it has been exponentially highlighted the past few years.  There is a HUGE void in the church.  In humanity at large really, but especially in the church.  A HUGE lack of empathy.  A HUGE lack of compassion and love.  Those things can only really be expressed towards someone after getting to know them, listening to their stories, and actually believing them!!  Are there people who exist who lie or exaggerate?  Yes.  But most people don't.  Yet they are not believed.  Not only should you listen to and believe and empathize with others...you have to clear away all of your preconceived notions, and stop thinking, 'well, this reminds me of this story in my own life' and then projecting your feelings and thoughts from your own personal experience onto them.  Their experience is not your experience.  This is their experience.  This is them...not you.  It will help to relate to them having experienced something similar.  But, similar doesn't equal same.  They aren't the same.  Don't forget that.

But, people aren't taught this.  They really aren't.  It's comparable to doctors and other medical professionals not even being taught the famous Hippocrates belief, "Let food be thy medicine and medicine thy food."  They, more often than not, treat symptoms instead of meeting somewhere where they really are...seeing the problem for what it really is and seeing the roots so those roots can be removed.  That happens medically...but it also happens emotionally and spiritually.  When we encounter someone who is in need in our lives, we can see them for who they really are...or we can look at their symptoms and just treat those (if we even do that).

We have to know how to see who they really are though.  Most often, even 'ministry training' doesn't teach that.  And if we haven't experienced a transformation in our own lives (which often involves realizations about ourselves and transforming healing), this is not possible.  That's why this video was so impacting to me.  He actually says it...out loud.  

"It blows my mind that in our current model of training for ministry, we basically point you to education and skill sets…and then say, 'you’re ready.' ...the most important thing you bring to ministry is a transformed soul. That process never got addressed anywhere else I went."

This needs to happen.  What he's talking about specifically is a really great group/organization called Transforming Community.  "Our goal is to help you strengthen the soul of your leadership so you are able to lead from your own experience of transformation. The Transforming Center longs to see churches and Christian organizations become communities of authentic spiritual transformation--and it starts with transforming leaders!"

Also on their website (I'm not advertising their website, although I think it sounds fabulous... but here, I'm just agreeing with what they say):

There are reasons why people are not experiencing spiritual transformation in and through their churches. For one thing, many pastors and ministry leaders are not experiencing deeper levels of personal transformation themselves.  That's why the Transforming Center has spent the last fifteen years developing and providing the Transforming Community® experience.

It is soooo important to be transformed, so that in turn, you can help someone else be transformed.  You just simply can't do that if you haven't experienced it yourself...and if you aren't an empathetic person who believes and actively loves the people who come to you.  You need depth...not just an ability to treat symptoms (that doesn't work).

As the man said, you need more than just education and skill sets.  Find a way to get more than that...and then do it.  

Sept. 28th - I posted this really great article.  I love the title..."They Named Me Bold."  Here's an excerpt...

I gotta be honest. I used to not get this rambling about women in ministry. I really didn’t understand what the big deal was. Move along. Do what you’re called to do. Stop rallying. 

And then I had a realization.   

I didn’t get not feeling like you have permission to do ministry. Because I was never taught I needed it. 

Why pray for our daughters to be filled with the Spirit if we are not going to let the Spirit speak through them? It is to us to name the next generation of women bold. Brave. Women prepared to seek first the Kingdom – the now and not yet coming of the Gospel to our world. It is to us to teach them that we have been redeemed beyond the need of rescue – and that what time we are afraid, we can put our trust in Him. It is to us to listen when the Spirit speaks through them. 

Let us call our daughters bold. Let us tell them they are brave. Let us teach them to associate femininity with wasting their lives for the poor and powerless rather than being powerless themselves. Let us teach them that their rescue comes from Christ. Let us treat their callings to ministry as normative – let it be as normal as them saying they want to be a teacher or a mommy when they grow up. 

Let them see us, fully and proudly feminine, whether we are adoring our husbands and corralling children or coming home to an empty house. 

Let us release our daughters into the Spirit’s wind.

Sept. 28th - Ohmygosh, you have no idea how much 'material' the past few years has given me in training up my children in the way they should go.  We can spend hours talking about life lessons during school...and usually do.   I often hear, "You're a good speecher" (haha) and "You should be a preacher." Not because I'm necessarily gifted in those areas (except for with my homegrown audience of 4 maybe), but boy oh boy...what a lot of things we've 'collected' now to talk about.  So much that they can hopefully learn from us about...that they can learn from our mistakes in these very specific situations and not have to go through anything even remotely like this.

(And thanks to searching for an image to go with this section, I have now been introduced, quite by chance, to "the irrepressible and fiercely feminist, holiness evangelist, bestselling author, ecumenist, and Quaker mystic," Hannah W. Smith, one of the most prominent female religious figures in the late Victorian Era.  Awesome!)

The kids and I go through Proverbs during Bible time every day.  Very slowly.  We sometimes literally only cover 3-5 verses, but spend the whole 45 minutes allotted (and sometimes need more).  That's some heavy discussion.  :)  There are many things that are just so black and white.  Those things often make me just smile and chuckle.  How simple it is sometimes, yet humans make it so hard.  This is what we had read that day and I posted...

Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow.  --Proverbs 25:18 

Read this with the kids in school today. Words of wisdom. Been on the receiving end of this lots the past few years.  I can tell you this is definitely true. And leaves lasting damage.  Moral: Just don't do it.

Sooooo much damage done.  Wouldn't it be easier if we all just shared, listened, believed each other, and just told the truth?

Sept. 29th - I posted the following with a link to buy this book.

finally a manhood book i can get behind. not egalitarian, not complementarian...just Jesus-arian.  :)  

 

love how he starts the book off with jacob and esau...and how different they are. many would probably say (or at least think, given our modern definitions of manhood) that jacob was effeminate and had obviously somehow been 'emasculated' (a favorite word amongst the 'manly men' these days). ..."yet Jacob is the brother with the greater legacy in the kingdom of God."

can't wait to read the whole thing.  an excerpt... 

~Both Christian and non-Christian authors have couched masculinity in more primal terms. For example, Christian counselor John Eldridge's 'Wild at Heart' and Harvard professor Robert Bly's 'Iron John' both lament the growing number of feminized 'nice guys' needing permission to recover their inner wildness and once again take forceful action in the world. And certainly, men should embrace and ever celebrate their masculinity. But talking about gender raises a number of questions. What does it mean to be a man? Are there distinctives between men and women outside of anatomy? What do we do with the various expressions of masculinity that can exist between two men?~

And more on this ridiculous word 'emasculation'...something I read around the same time:

I don't think anyone should be emasculating anyone (because I literally don't get it — if someone can do that to you so easily, perhaps the foundation upon which you've built your identity is more harmful than helpful?), much less yelling at a dude to "be a man already!" — to me this is part of the whole problem. But I suspect this happens in relationships where "being a man" is cited often as an essential identity in every choice and in the power balance of the relationship. Where being a man and a woman is some huge part of how things are decided and felt. Where these terrible scripts for how to act "because you're a man or woman" leave us all feeling less connected and we try to make sense of differences through this script instead of putting aside the mask of gender and just hashing out what we need from each other. 

To be clear: Gender identity is not inherently bad in the slightest — liking even popularly held notions about what it means to be a man or a woman can be enormously satisfying and complementary. But each of us must arrive at these identities in ways that are healthy and well-adjusted for us. And by using these identities to pit men and women as oppositional, we muddy that potential harmony both within ourselves and with others. One of them involves two equal deliberate players speaking sentences out loud, and the other places women forever in service to men as caretakers of this delicate male ego. Funny, then, that there is no real equivalent word in the popular lore for a man reducing a woman's femininity by simply being awesome in the world.  

#logic  #letsuseit