Joel. Michawn. {Part 48 - Lending a Hand}

My eyes have been opened to many things throughout this whole process.  One of the huge surprises for me was that people don't know how to deal with conflict.

How is it that people don't know how to deal with conflict?  Even when it's not even their own conflict!!  LOL.  Even when they are outside looking in on the conflict.  They don't know how to act or what to do.

When I say that I've been completely overwhelmed by the lack of understanding surrounding this topic, that is a huge understatement.  I've found, to my great surprise, that most people don't know how to healthily interact with people in general.  At all.  But especially people who are in need of something...anything.  Even the people I thought would be really good at it and would come to my aid...nothing.

April was really bad, as you've read (link is Part 1 of 3).  That month, when things were so bad, I sent an email to someone who has been a father figure to me...an email begging him to help me.  I literally said, "I am begging you to help me."  I had never done that before.  With anyone.  It has to be bad before I send you a form of personal communication begging for help.  I don't beg.

I never heard back from him.

I never heard back from him.  Let that sink in.

We had been in contact before that.  Since I sent him that email, I haven't heard from him at all.

Something like that is just really, really soul-crushing.  Devastating.  How does this happen?  How does it happen that everyone in your life who is supposed to be there to help you (physically, practically) chooses not to show up?

I learned as a child that the people closest to me were people who swept things under the rug.  I never liked that practice, but I especially didn't like it when mistreatment started coming my way.  And instead of the people who saw it speaking up for me, they just let it happen.  Sometimes even laughing about it later, so they saw it...they just chose not to speak out.

That trend continues with that circle of people.  And in July, what was supposed to be finally a really happy 2 weeks of my life...that behavior quickly turned those 2 weeks into the most horrible of my life.  Rock. Freakin. Bottom...and not by my own doing.  All at the hands of others who don't know how to be good people in hard situations.  There was nothing I could do.  (not a pity party...just telling what happened)

So...here's what I am going to do today.  I am going to walk you through some examples of what good people, rare as they are, do in situations like this to help.

The people who are the closest to you...the people you call family and close friends...they should be the ones who step up to help you in need.  But, oftentimes they are not.  If you are considered family or a close friend, though...DO IT.  Step up!!  Do the right thing here.

If you are not considered family or a close friend, yet you see that those people in someone's life are not stepping up to help that person...you DO IT.  Step up!!  Do the right thing.  They need someone.

Here are just five key things that should be done in situations where someone is in need of help.  I'll also share what is so often done instead of the right thing.  Please do the right thing in these situations.  These are simple principles...yet so often the church/people who are supposed to care get it terribly wrong.  Let's really think about these things and really be aware...and do the right things:

1-

What you should do:  Care.  Just care.  And when you truly care, you want to know about that person.  You want to hear their story.  You want to know them.

What is done instead:  Because people don't want their perceptions of others to be swayed, they don't truly get to know people.  I had one lady, a family member I have always been very close to, tell me that she just didn't want to know.  She didn't want to know any bad stuff about us...she wanted to keep the 'good thoughts' about us that she had.  She didn't want to know.

Don't be that person.  Care enough to allow your perceptions of others to be shifted.  (Besides, if you have someone on a pedestal, that is just wrong anyway.  Seek honesty and authenticity...in yourself and others...otherwise you're just living in a made-up dream world.)  Care enough about someone else that you will allow yourself to give up your own desires to meet their needs.  That you will allow yourself to be 'uncomfortable' even, if that is what you feel when hearing their story, in order to meet someone's very real need.  Care!!

Also, just a little addendum here - If you are not going to care enough to go to that person and ask questions and know their story, then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.  Because if you don't care enough to know, guess what?  You don't even know what you are talking about.  It's crazy, and completely egotistical, to think that you do.  I recently got lambasted on Facebook, by a family member whose been in my life since birth actually.  At the end he said this, "Don't come to me saying I don't know the whole story. I don't want to know the whole story."  LOL.  Um, hello...if you don't know the whole story, there is no way for you to speak into it.  Again, complete hubris for anyone to think differently.  What happens when you don't know the story, or don't believe the people who are living the story, is just a bunch of hugely distorted truth, complete UNtruths, and slander.  At least care enough to not distort truth, outright lie, and slander someone by opening your mouth in ignorance!  Keep your wrong and ignorant thoughts, since you don't want to know the story (the truth), to yourself.


2-

What you should do:  Believe them.  It's their life you are talking about.  Believe them until it is proven that they are not telling the truth (which likely will not happen, as is the case with me).  At the very least, acknowledge that what they are saying *could* very well be the truth!  Follow through on what they are telling you.

What is done instead:  People don't believe.  Sadly, I'd say (and statistics show) that this most often happens with women.  That was definitely how it happened in my case.  Absolutely no reason not to believe me...but, when given the choice to believe the man (my husband) over the woman (me, his wife)...the man was chosen every time.


3-

What you should do:  Don't downplay.  Don't minimize the person's experience.  Don't go on with life and pretend like it's not even happening (you people who sweep things under the rug, I'm talking to you!!)!!  Believe the person in everything...including what is said to have happened as a result of the experience...the repercussions, the damage.  Are there people who exaggerate?  Yes.  But, most people who have been the victims of something are just telling the truth.  Yet their experience is constantly trivialized.  And that just makes things worse.

What is done instead:  People don't think that it could be that bad.  Or they think that you should just 'move on' or 'get over it' or 'not make such a big deal out of it.'  Believe me, almost nobody chooses to stay in hard spots.  Almost nobody chooses to not move on.  If someone is not moving on, it is most likely because they have not been helped.  They are all alone...and don't have any support...and are still being victimized.  Don't tell them to 'get over it.'  Don't tell them to 'stop making such a big deal out of it.'  Listen to them.  Put yourself in their shoes.  And never trivialize their pain.


4-

What you should do:  Don't think that you have to agree with them about everything in order to support them.  Recently someone did something specific to hurt me.  Nobody came.  The people closest to me...nobody came.  When I asked one of them later "why?" they said, "Well, I didn't agree with what you did in response and how you were handling it."

Let me just tell you all...that has nothing to do with it!!  This person knew that I had been hurt...very badly.  Just FYI, this person didn't agree with what the person who hurt me did either.  But, he was conflicted because he knew that I had been hurt, yet he didn't fully agree with my response.  He in some way felt that coming to me to support me in any way would be supporting my actions that he didn't agree with.

When you see someone who is hurting, you go to them.  Especially if it is someone you supposedly care about.  I don't agree with the things a prostitute does, but if I'm around one in need or one who has been hurt, I don't ignore them in fear of 'supporting their behavior.'  Even if their wrong choices are what caused them to be put in a situation to be hurt in the first place (and that wasn't even the case with my situation).

You help.  You help the people you love that are in need.  When something traumatic happens, you run to their side to hold them up.  When they hurt, you are there to ease their pain and help to bear their burdens.  Doesn't matter if you agree with every single thing they do or not.

What is done instead:  People are ignored.  People are left to fight their battles and try to stop the bleeding all alone.


5-

What you should do:  Put yourself out there.  This is related to caring, but so often people don't go after helping someone and being a caring person because they don't want to 'interfere.'  Let me tell you something...if someone is asking for help, that means that they are wanting someone who can help to 'interfere.'  If you don't think you are someone who can help, you can...because you can at least be with that person and support them and provide empathy for them...sit with them and acknowledge that they are not alone.  *Everyone* can help.

What is done instead:  People don't want to get involved.  They feel like they would be interfering or getting in people's business (although they usually aren't bothered by talking about people's business to others...they just usually don't want to be a part of the solution or help).  They don't want to be bothered.

Or...sometimes they truly do wish they could help, but they don't think they are capable.  This is rare, sadly...I think it is mostly that people don't want to help and don't want to be bothered with others' problems.  But, sometimes it does happen that people want to help but don't feel equipped.

Honestly, one way of looking at that is...that can be summed up as just more selfishness.  That is just more self-absorption.  Oh, I I I.  I don't know how to help.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a bother.  I have so many problems of my own, I can't possibly invest in someone else right now.  If you see someone in need, esp. if someone is asking for your help, if you are still thinking about and considering yourself after seeing and hearing that need, then you are being selfish.  Straight up.

Can I tell you that during the past 3 ½ years, I never didn't help someone else just because I was going through my own personal hell.  Was it hard sometimes?  Yes.  And sometimes I didn't help them much.  Sometimes all I could offer them was "Oh my gosh...I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can't offer you much right now, but I am here.  I see you.  I see what you are going through.  I am so so sorry.  And if you need me at all, please let me know.  If there is anything that I can do...bring you a meal, just come over and visit, be a sounding board, pray with you...whatever you need, please let me know."  And usually if I can't personally help them practically to get them out of their situation, I know someone who can and will network.  I say all of that not to toot a horn or anything, but to tell you that I get it.  When you're going through your own crap and aren't being helped, the last thing you want to do sometimes is put yourself out there.  But, you who are going through your own crap are the ones who should know best...we need each other!  So, the bottom line is that that is no excuse either.

Sorry...you are without excuse!!  Across the board.  Especially you who call yourselves 'little Christs'...you are without excuse!  Be aware of people around you, look and listen for their needs, and do all you can to meet them.  It might not be your own personal conflict or problem...but it becomes yours when it belongs to someone around you.

It all just kind of reminds me of a story.  You may have heard it.  A little something called "The Good Samaritan."  Familiar?  :)

I love this commentary that I read:

The parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) is well-known.  Jesus told the story to show up the stupidity and hypocrisy of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

The parable illustrates how gaunt was compassion in the religious system of the time.  The Bible said plainly, "Love thy neighbor."  The hypocrites curled the lip at that, and sought to muddy the matter with a clever question, "And who is my neighbor?"  Jesus answers with a simple story that makes the clever question look dumb indeed.

Ha.  Tryna get one over on Jesus.  Ain't ever gonna happen.  Lol.

Just the text there doesn't give any real indication of the culture.  But, the lawyer (expert in religious law) asking the questions would have known off the bat the contextual significance of the specific story Jesus tells and the characters He uses.

I love this commentary:

A good Samaritan, in the mind of the Jews, was a contradiction in terms. "The Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans" (John 4:9). Samaritans are scum. There's no such thing as a good Samaritan.

This was a centuries-old prejudice. Its roots went as far back as the split of the nation of Israel into two kingdoms, whose capitals and religious centers were Jerusalem versus Samaria. Yet of the three who could have shown mercy, two Jews and one Samaritan, it was the latter who did so. That was pretty pointed.

It is almost as though Jesus were saying, "Put that in your phylacteries you hypocrites!"

Hahaha.  I love Jesus!

To sum it up:

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Damned are the unmerciful no matter how religious they may be. God looks on the heart, and he does not much care whether the exterior is Samaritan or Levite or any other outward distinction. God discriminates only on the basis of whether the inner person is humble and just, merciful and kind. 

Let's be like the Good Samaritan.  OK?

And now my favorite rendition of the Good Samaritan (starts at 2:15)...

~Love your neighbor.  Loving means lending a hand.~

Joel. Michawn. {Part 47 - We Mourn, We Rest}

Thanks to our counselor and his counseling done right, we've entered a new phase.

For the first time in 3 ½ years, I no longer have to fight for myself.  I no longer have to defend myself constantly, every single minute of every single day.  I am no longer on trial.  I have been found not guilty and can finally confidently claim what I have been insisting on all along...my innocence.  The scales that were blinding Joel have started being removed and others who have been against me are now out of our lives.

But...after 3 ½ years of that, I. am. exhausted.

We came home and I was still on a high from being with our counselor and being listened to and respected and him sticking up for me (I think I told you that I asked if I could just stay and live with him and his family, at least for a little while...what a safe place for me when I haven't had a safe place in years).  But, as happens every time you come back to reality after a big exciting experience...there is a coming back down time.

So, that's what happened.  The first week was great.  And then at the end of the first week, reality struck.  It struck through something that happened that just spelled it out really clearly and in our faces that there are some major consequences for all that has happened over the course of the past 3 ½ years.  Major, major consequences.  Consequences that we didn't even really foresee.

Our lives have been forever altered.  And we have lost most everything we had.

So now I mourn.

I mourn the family life we once had.

I mourn the friendship and the lightness and the ease Joel and I shared for the first decade of our marriage.

I mourn the relationship I once had with my husband...the person I could trust with my life and all of me.

I mourn that trust.  It is gone.

I mourn the person he once was...the person he no longer is.

I mourn the example he was for my children...because his example for the past few years has damaged our children.  Evidence of that has sprung forth in very real ways...children mimic what is put before them.

I mourn time lost with my children during all of these years of literally fighting for my life.  Being in a constant battle is time-consuming...and life-consuming.

I mourn so many activities and events that we missed out on because of all of this.

I mourn our lives as missionaries in Brazil and our home in Brazil.

I mourn our friends there and the things we felt called to do there.

I mourn the loss of those babies at the orphanage and getting to spend time with them twice a week.

I mourn adoption in our own lives and adding on to our family.

I mourn our routine, our schedule, our everyday mundane life.  I mourn the security of that mundaneness (when we weren't traveling and moving that is).

I mourn a trust I had in everyone...not just Joel.  A trust that is no longer there since most of the people in my life have completely let me down the past few years...abandonment, slander, not believing me, not wanting to know about my life or get involved, etc.

I mourn many, many friendships...the loss of people who I thought were my friends anyway.

I mourn the loss of what I thought God's people, The Church, was.  It is not what I thought it was.  And it most certainly is not what God had in mind.

Our lives will never, ever be the same.  So...we mourn that.

Joel mourns too.  Since much of his blindness has been removed, and more and more is being removed as time marches on, he is coming to grips with the fact that it was his blindness that was the cause of all of this destruction.  That's a devastating thing to see for the first time after all these years. But, it's a necessary thing to see.  Praying it causes everlasting change...everlasting change.  I pray that understanding keeps happening.

There are family members and friends who will never be a part of our lives again.  Ever.  And that's a good thing.  But, it's still a loss and a shift to a 'new normal,' as they say, for us.

For the few of these family members and friends who contributed to this destruction who do make it back into our lives, it will never be the same...because it shouldn't.  That would be unhealthy.  Again...it's a loss.  A loss that needs to happen, but nonetheless a loss.

Please do not think of this as a 'hopeless' post.  This is not a hopeless post.  This is a reality post.

You don't say to the mother who just lost a child..."Oh, God can restore that child to you here on earth.  Don't be so hopeless.  That child can come back...and it can be even better."  No...you sit with that mother and you mourn with that mother and you share in her sorrows.

Maybe another child will be born...and there will be joy again.  And the family will be stronger together because of what they went through...sure.  But, they still lost a child.  A child who is irreplaceable.  A child who will always be mourned and missed.  They had great hopes for that child...hopes that will never be realized.

People are too afraid of hopelessness sometimes.  So they cross over into 'false hope' territory...because that makes them more comfortable.  They say things that are not true...because it makes them feel better.

"He will gain your trust back."  Hmmm...we don't know that, do we?  "God will restore your marriage."  Well...it's not all up to God, is it?  See?  False hope is just stupid.  Let's just be real.

No hopelessness allowed here.  But also...no false hope talk allowed here either.  Because what is said in false hope is damaging...possibly even more damaging than hopelessness in the long run.  And nobody really believes the stuff spewed in false hope anyway...so, it's just annoying.  Neither is allowed here.

So...we mourn what once was.  We grieve.  We even wallow in it for a little while if we want to...because the process of our lives being destroyed was a process that took years.  I fought against it every step of the way and I am beyond exhausted.  It took years to get to this place of destruction...'getting over it' will take even more years and exhausting work.  Therefore, we will not be rushed.

As we grieve, being careful not to rush out of that too soon, we eventually also start to rebuild.  Slowly.  We rebuild our marriage, we rebuild our family, we rebuild our lives.  We start from scratch really...because so many things have changed through this...even core beliefs.  And Joel has to basically develop many of his own core beliefs for the first time...He's always just people-pleased.  What are his beliefs?  What are the beliefs that he is willing to die for?  What beliefs is he no longer willing to sacrifice for anyone in order to please them?  This is new territory for him in many ways.

Will we even still each believe the same things when it is all said and done?

And that is what our lives will look like for the next few months and years.  Unless something happens that makes it all blow up again, like this.  Our marriage will be over if something blows up again.  And we will move on from there in very different ways.

But, barring more blow-ups, we will continue down this path, working this all out together.

We settle into our mourning now.  And then we will prepare to try to rebuild.

Thank you for your prayers during this time.

I'm basically all caught up here on the blog now.  I will still blog as something comes up that I feel I need to write about.  There are many topics still that I want to write about...things we've learned through all of this.  

We will be meeting with our counselor every 3 weeks starting at the end of October.  So maybe I will also update after those visits too.

Otherwise, we focus inward...mourning, resting (LOTS of rest needed), reconnecting as a family.

Thank you for your continued prayers and messages of encouragement.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 46 - Trust and Eventual Rising}

I'm not much of a meme-er.  But, I was looking for something specific the other day and ran across a wall of some really great ones.  

Goodness...these are just so where I am right now after all that has happened.  

FYI:  I'm not looking for your encouragement or false hope statements here.  Because...there is one thing and one thing only that we can depend on in this life and that is...we never know what is going to happen.  I've already written the next blog post...it speaks to where I stand on that.  I will post this one first...just know that I don't want your "oh, it's not that bad" or "it sounds like you are wallowing in self-pity" comments.  I don't even want your "it will get better" or "you're being too pessimistic" comments.  

This is just reality right now.  Don't be so scared of reality, folks.  Just sit there in it for a while...admit the reality, accept it...and then maybe eventually you can move forward.  Faith doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge reality.  Faith doesn't only sound like name it and claim it statements or "It'll all be alright."  

Faith involves knowing just where you are, trusting God in that, and leaning on Him no matter what happens...because so often in our lives, it is not up to us what happens.  But He's there...always.

Read each of these.  Before you read my caption, let the image and words of the meme really sink in.  I know that so many of you, also, can relate.  Don't be afraid to acknowledge it...and then sit in it for a while.  Nothing does more damage in the long run than pretending to be OK when you're not.  Be honest.  And don't let others make you feel like you are 'less than' or wrong when you don't 'get over it' within their time table.  You will be able to move on.  And you can still be an optimistic person, even when you are walking through this. But...you have to be honest too...first and foremost.

So...this is where I am.

When our counselor was going through and praying for our souls, he saw a huge bulldozer in the back of my soul...he said it represented major assault, betrayal, harassment, and being stabbed in the back.  Oh boy, has that ever happened the past few years!  Not only does this whole blog series speak to that and the betrayal in my marriage, there were a couple of posts that had those very words in the titles.  I think about these two posts when thinking of these specific words, here and here,  and when I think of this image.  And, this meme really captured how I feel after the past few years.  That picture...so spot on.  The words are just reality.  I don't feel like I have 'trust issues' in general, with everyone.  But I do just now feel like my eyes have been opened wide to exactly how people are...exactly what people are capable of...and exactly how untrustworthy they are and how they can turn on you on a dime.  I had never experienced that to this extent before...guess I'm lucky.  But, I've definitely experienced it and been made aware of this reality now.  That reality is very sad and disappointing.

I had never been hurt before.  Heartbroken, yes...but as a result of a very honest person who truly loved me and always showed it.  Not as a result of foul play or betrayal.  Disappointed by people, yes...but never to this extent.  So many people have shown their true colors and beliefs throughout this ordeal the past few years...it is shocking and eye-opening and heart-breaking that what you thought was really is not at all.  The good things you believed about certain people, the church, certain beliefs and people of faith, etc....it's not what you thought at all.  Joel and I, for the first 10 years, had an incredibly open, never-any-secrets, major teamwork marriage.  I never even imagined him to be capable of something like this.  People often say that about their betraying spouse...and others looking on are like, 'Yeah...we could see he was capable.'  But, nobody thought Joel would be capable of something like this.  Which is partly why I wasn't believed.  It's life-altering to now be put in a situation where everything about him and our relationship is doubted.  And no...not because I'm not forgiving or hold grudges...not because I don't know how to move on; but because his actions, present actions still, even again last night, prove that trust is far, far away...for now, everything is doubted.  Which brings us to this truth...

This is the meme I was actually looking for when I stumbled upon all these others.  This is soooo very true!!  People...do whatever it takes with your loved ones to not ever, ever, ever damage the trust they have in you.  I can honestly tell you that I can count on one hand the people I truly fully trust in my life now.  What do they call them now?  Your 'Ride or Die' people?  Yeah...those are rare.  I didn't used to think they were rare...I thought I could trust basically all the people in my life.  And now I know.  That just isn't true.  I trust very few people now like I did before.  Why?  Because they weren't here for me, even when I asked them to be.  And many were even against me.

Do not destroy people's trust in you.  Unless you are fine with destroying your relationship with that person as well.  Because that is what destroying trust does.

It will go nowhere.  Nowhere.  That is why, until trust is re-gained here within my marriage, there is no moving forward.  It's not possible.  That's why, as the counselor said, whatever it takes has to be done to win my trust back.

The next two just give a clear image of what it looks like to destroy trust.

You might forgive, you might be reconciled, you might gain back total trust.  And God can fully restore.  But, while we are here on this earth, the same temptations and same wrong belief systems that contributed to the broken trust in the first place remain.  Once trust is broken, esp. over and over...instead of a clean, crisp piece of paper, you have a crumpled one.  It's like when you're in a bad car accident, your body might be healed as much as possible on this earth and you may be able to get back to almost complete function...but there will be scars.  There will be damage.  Your body, in certain parts, will be more prone to injury in the future.  That's just reality.

Trust might be broken after even just a one-time offense...it might be completely shattered after just that one time, depending on what happened.  But, the longer trust-breaking behavior goes on and the more it happens (the number of times)...the more trust is eroded.  It literally is like the land that is eroded by the running river...or the coast gradually eroded by the crashing waves.  So, after 3 ½ years (and counting) of these behaviors, these 'mistakes' (read: CHOICES), my trust eraser is just a tiny nub and not even functional.  That's what destroying trust does.

Truth.  We put so much importance in the 'I love you' phrase.  There are other phrases and feelings and expressions of those feelings that actually mean even more...like this says.  There are so many times that someone will say to you 'I love you' and yet be treating you like crap.  Um, lol.  That's not love.

"But...I love you.  I want to do what's right.  I want to gain your trust back.  I want us to be ONE again.  I want to be a team with you."  All just words.  Your true feelings and beliefs and desires ("I want"s) are proven by actions.  Bottom line.

Growth is painful.  And change (I've lived through lots) is painful.  But, being stuck where you know you shouldn't be...there is just no other pain like that.  It's oppression.  And it's terribly painful.  You miss out on so much...because you're stuck.  I'll get into that in more detail with the next blog post.  But, this is so very true.  Your life is on hold...and there's nothing, barring escape, that you can do about it.

There will always be scars.  Scars from all the many behaviors and actions against me that broke trust.  I will be 'seared with' them...many.  I already have many...and I still have many wounds (and still receive many wounds often) that will one day turn into scars too.  But ultimately, this is what will happen...and in many ways already has.  I am a strong soul.  And massive in character and spirit.  Yes I am.

Many of you know how much I love Maya Angelou.  There is a lady who has been following this blog series from South Africa.  We have a mutual virtual friend and she just clicked on my blog randomly one day.  She has been through her own set of trials and has been a great encouragement.  But, I don't know her personally at all.  So, she had no idea of my love for Maya and this particular poem (since high school) when she posted it in a comment to this blog post, written weeks before we went to the counselor.  I was shocked to see it...and see how God used this lady I don't know personally to give me something familiar and already special to me to encourage me and just let me know and remind me in that moment He's here and He sees.  That reminder was so very needed at that time.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching some videos of Maya.  I just love her recitation of this great poem she wrote.

Just like that last image above is true of what is, and what is to come...this is also true.  Bit by bit.  I mentioned in a recent post that tenacity is not on my list of personal weaknesses.  All of the above is reality.  There's no denying it.  Trust is broken.  And it is presently a very challenging time because of that...and will be for quite some time.  I'm not rushing through that.  And it's not up to me to do the right things to regain trust here...it is up to others.  No matter the choices they make though...

...Ultimately, still I rise.

Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don’t you take it awful hard

‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I’ve got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

  I rise.  

Joel. Michawn. {Part 45 - Counseling Done Right, 3}

I wrote about our first few days of counseling here, our second few days here, and this post here ends the posts on counseling and our time in Dallas.  

We left our last counseling session, Day 5 of counseling, and went to eat.  Although I was extremely cautious and guarded, because not all had been discussed or worked out, I truly was hopeful for the afternoon.  We went out to eat.  And I even wanted to go to a movie with Joel...something that I hadn't wanted to share with him in months and months.

That didn't end up happening.  We ate...and then we went back to our hotel room after yet another fallout.  A fallout caused by lack of understanding and selfishness.  

Instead of scheduling to leave Friday afternoon after our last session, we had booked the hotel through the weekend and planned to leave on Sunday.  We did that in hopes that, after our last session on Friday, we could spend until Sunday morning really reconnecting and talking things out before we had to go back to 'real life.'  

We did talk and lots of things came up...that disconnected us even more.  They were the big things that have continued to come up over and over again during the past few years without any resolution. And...there was still no resolution.  

So...instead of leaving on Sunday morning, we arranged it so that we could stay until Wednesday morning.  And Monday evening, thankfully, our counselor squeezed us in again.  

We met with him for over two hours.  Two of the three main issues that we had to discuss I'm not going to get into here.  The 2nd issue is a big issue, but not as big as the 1st.  And the 3rd was, for the most part, easily solved.  

The first issue though...that has been the kicker all along.  I'm sure you can guess what it is given the history of these past few years.  It is the issue of family...and more specifically, family of origin, i.e. parents, siblings, etc.  

When you are married, you become ONE with your spouse.  You quite literally and figuratively leave your family of origin and cleave to your spouse.  That verse of scripture, actually, speaks specifically about the males...the husband.  He leaves his family of origin and cleaves unto his wife...and they become ONE.  

I think we all can tell that Joel never really did that.  He completely betrayed me by going to his family of origin over and over again.  And then, at the end, doing it completely behind my back when it had been agreed that he wouldn't even be in contact with them.  

So...that was a huge issue that needed to be settled once and for all.  

The counselor listened to us both for a really long time.  There were even some moments when the counselor asked me certain questions where I thought, oh no...he's going to say that no matter what happens, family is family...and they always will be...and you're just stuck with them, or something like that.  

He listened long and hard.   

He reminded us that healthy people can vacillate between moving towards people to cooperate, moving against people to challenge them and stand for your own beliefs, and moving away from people (detaching) when they have proven to cause harm to you.  

And then he told a story.  

He told how his own family of origin, his parents and siblings and their children, all lived near each other.  He and his wife and children were the only ones who lived far away.  They would go visit, and something always happened.  A very specific thing and very unfair thing that, after a certain amount of time, was really causing pain to some of his family (his wife and daughter specifically...which then caused him pain).  He had a choice to make.  He saw what was happening.  Would he continue to let that happen?  Or would he stick up for his wife and daughter and not allow that?  

What ultimately happened?  In the end, he broke ties with his family of origin...they no longer went to visit.  Why?  Because they were causing his family damage...and wouldn't stop.  

Oh my gosh...again I was floored and so very, very grateful for our counselor.  I could not believe he was saying that...and that he had lived it himself.  I could not believe that he soooo got it.  

What had Joel and his family and every other counselor said?  "Well, they're family.  Family is family.  Honor your father and mother."  Yada yada yada.  

No!!  Praise GOD this counselor knows that if someone is causing damage, no matter who it is, you give them chances, sure...and I give many chances (as I'm sure you can see)...but if they refuse to get rid of the damaging behavior, you flee!!  Like a bat outta hell.  

Joel was told very clearly, "She is your wife.  You are ONE with her.  Have you taken up for her?  Have you made it very clear that their behavior caused much damage and pain to your family and marriage...and that the things that caused all of this damage will be tolerated no longer?  Have you made it very clear that you are on her side...and that you will stick up for her against their harmful behavior, always?"

Joel:  "No."

"That is what you have to do.  That is your role here.  It's you and her.  Not you and them.  That has to be made very clear...and without that you will never gain her trust again.  You have to do what it takes to win back her trust.  You'd be a fool not to.  If you don't, you'll lose your marriage."  

Joel, teary-eyed, said, "Yes, I would be a fool not to do whatever it takes."

We left there that night having all three things worked out with specifics about each all laid out.  That night we went to sleep with the plan of talking more the next day, Joel planned to write an email to his family, and we hoped to have a good day of doing something fun to reconnect.  

Tuesday morning, first thing, that plan was all shot to pieces.  I won't get into specifics, but yet again, things went wrong.  

Plus, I saw the email to his family...and it was just more of the same.  

That day, our scheduled last day in Dallas, was a wash except that we were able to eventually talk about the email.  Finally that night something happened that really allowed for us to have a very 'this is so serious' conversation.  Joel really, really listened to me about what was wrong with his way of thinking and his whole approach.  We reviewed what the counselor had said...and what had to be done.  He really, really listened.  And was completely humbled and broken and in many ways unblinded after the week, and especially after that last evening with the counselor concerning this subject.  And then he wrote the following to his family.  He wrote it (just to be clear...since we all know others like to accuse me of putting words into Joel's mouth)...I only added two tiny phrases in order to clarify what Joel had already said.  Even the 'same betrayal as a full-fledged affair' part he wrote.  It had happened.  His eyes were opened to this specific part of our story.  

Family... 

Michawn and I finally found a counselor in Dallas that has earned our trust, is very wise and helpful.  

We spent last week with this older gentleman and he was great in helping us begin to sort out our personal issues and start uncovering some root problems in our marriage. 

We saw him again yesterday to deal with some other conflicts and we hope to meet with him every few weeks to help us keep on track to rebuild our marriage. 

God has given this guy the ability to “see" our heart, soul and spirit and during our prayer times with him he uncovered a lot of thing in our lives….specially in mine.  

When he was "journeying thru my heart" there was so much damage that he sensed God decided to just give me a new heart instead of trying to repair it.  

Who knew…well, probably Michawn… that I had so many issues in my life. 

A lot of what he would tell us he “saw" tied into our family history, our childhood/teen years or even recent events we had not told him about. Very neat and powerful.  

He prayed a lot over each one of us and in his experience he told us that it normally takes months for us to start experiencing/living out the “repair" God has done to our hearts, soul and spirit. 

Overall, it was hard but very good…. Michawn felt heard and so did I.  

On the more natural side of things, we dealt with how I betrayed her in many ways and destroyed her trust. One of those ways being talking behind her back all these years with you guys….being on your team instead of hers.... And then promising to stop but not stopping….same betrayal as a full fledged affair. 

Another huge topic that we talked about was about the things said about Michawn and accusations from you guys over the years and then how you guys, when Michawn tried to start the work of reconciliation, refused to have/continue to have an honest and straight forward discussion of the issues (emails) that needed to be discussed.  

That was wrong to just  "quickly apologize” and try to sweep it under the rug and refuse to talk about it... you all should have done whatever it took to make things right with her….but you din’t.   

So, given all of these things right now the plan is to focus on our marriage before anything else and therefore we will not be communicating with you guys for the next 6 months at least….no matter what happens.  Even if there is a death in the family. 

At the end of that time Michawn and I along with the counselor will discuss the next steps…if more time is needed or not.  More time will likely be needed.  Michawn and I are sticking together on this and I’m fully backing her and siding with her.  She was the one that was wronged.  She is the one who gets to decide. 

So, for the sake of my family, I ask that you honor this request. No mail to our home address, no emails, texts, phone calls, or comments on FB or Blog…no communication at all...as I make things right with Michawn and the kids. 

Joel

I read that email and knew that he had finally gotten it.  

And this kind of heart and actions is what it's going to take to even come close to winning back my trust.  These are the kinds of things that are needed.  

We got three replies.  Two of them good responses.  This was the other message we got:

Joel I need to talk to you. please call me I need to hear your voice and I need to look into your eyes.  I've been having crazy dreams about you and I feel like you're in a very dark place. the other day in one of my dreams you committed suicide. I am super super worried about you. I was talking to C. M. she told me a big long story about all the things that her brother went through. it is a mirror image of what it seems like you're going through. I feel like you're in a big deep fog, a haze...and under extreme duress, manipulation, control, and abuse. and I hope you still have your head on straight, but I am really worried.   We are all super worried about you.
I know you. you're my brother. none of these things you're admitting to sound like you and I'm sorry but Michawn is going off the deep end. I've been reading her stuff and it is insane.
I know you want to rebuild the house of your marriage but unless you build it on truth and honesty and that's what you use in your foundation it's going to crumble. whatever you're trying to build on lies will not last more than a period of time and even if it stands it will be crooked propped up and will have serious structural issues. Hopefully I don't offend you too much or get you into too much trouble with this email but I just need to speak my heart. quickly delete it. some day I'm going to come visit you unexpectedly.

Let me just remind you of this philosophy I hold to before I go any further, especially now after I've given people sooooo many chances.  

LOL.  This message we got was simply unbelievable.  Yet I'm the one 'going off the deep end.'  Ha.  This family member sounds like a jilted mistress.  Can we say Fatal Attraction, anyone?  Relentless.

I love the 'Hopefully I don't get you into too much trouble' part.  And the 'quickly delete it' part.  Really classy of this person.  

He's coming to visit unexpectedly?  Just a little time out here so I can speak directly:  Andre...that would be a definite waste of money.  There will be no communication with you...period.  Get a grip!  Your brother is married and he is on his wife's team now...where he should have been all along.  Too bad there are 'teams' at all...but you guys are the ones who made it that way.  You and your words, and the words and horrible attitudes and beliefs of your family...they no longer have an effect here.  Also...the 'quickly delete this' thing doesn't work anymore either.  Goodbye.

Again...this is what I've been up against.  And Joel has allowed them to do this...to me, to our marriage.  

The past two weeks have been different.  I pray that he continues to do the right thing.  

Since our last day in Dallas ended up being horrible, we thankfully were able to postpone leaving, one more time, for another day.  We got our last day of fun and connecting.  It was so needed.  We got that crazy message from his family member during our fun day, but Joel was untouched.  He said, "No...that's crazy.  He doesn't know what he's talking about...and we're not going to let it ruin our day."

And we didn't.  We had a really great last day in Dallas together.  We truly had so much fun...and felt like a team again.

Before we left the next morning, Joel sent that family member a video, so he could 'hear his voice and look into his eyes.'  Lol.  We didn't hear back from him after that...hopefully that solved it and let him know that Joel wasn't living 'under extreme duress, manipulation, control, and abuse.'  (Insert sigh and eye roll).  "Ridiculous" as Joel said.    

We got home and there was some fun awaiting me...a letter from another one of Joel's family members (an aunt this time) addressed to me.  Oh, it was all about how I needed to do certain things in order to make my life better.  All about what I needed to be doing during this time.  I'm quite sure it was meant to be encouraging.  But, the problem lies in the fact that it was addressed to me about what I need to be doing...when it was her nephew that has caused all of this mess in our lives.  LOL.  These people just floor me.  Was there a letter to her own nephew about what he needed to be doing? Of course not!  

Needless to say, I am so very thankful to be free from these people in my life.  Even if Joel 'strays' and 'has another affair' behind my back with his family...I will be free from them.  I will just also be free from Joel too.  

Is that what you, Joel's family, are rooting for?  That's sad if so.  If you are rooting for Joel to keep his wife and children, then you will back off.  

Joel. Michawn. {Part 44 - Counseling Done Right, 2}

Disclaimer:  Occasionally I feel the need to remind you that I am not 'exposing' (as some people call it...I just simply think of it as being honest, but what do I know?) our lives and struggles for exposure's sake.  I've gotten many messages from people over the course of the last few months since this first came out that tell of how our talking about it has helped them.  I've gotten several within the past month that basically just rocked me how much they said it has helped and encouraged them.  Many people who have been dealing with similar things, all alone(!!), for years and years and years...one lady specifically for over 40 years!!  One of these days I am going to share some of those messages, completely anonymously of course (and with permission), just so you know just how much good honesty and transparency does in the world.  Wouldn't it be so great if more people wouldn't hide their problems and instead would talk about them and share them and let the world learn from them?  If more people did that, I'm convinced that we wouldn't, in general, have as many problems.  Had someone gone through what we're going through and actually talked about it openly...maybe we could have been spared some of this!!  Gosh, that would have been awesome!  Not sure that we know anyone who has even been through something similar and come out the other side...but if we do, they didn't share it.  So...here we are.  And we're sharing.  Even before we come out the other side.  Because it is important.  Every part is important.  I pray that through our sharing, others can be spared, or at least encouraged in their walking through a similar path.  That has already happened...the encouragement part I know.  And for that I'm grateful.  But, this is another blog post that might seem a bit 'exposing.'  I'm telling it, as usual, in complete truth and, as usual, I'm not sugarcoating anything.  And...again 'as usual'...Joel read it and approved it beforehand.  The good news is that our story has not reached the end...and although this blog post does not actually include a happy ending, it did get better as you will read next time.  Thank God for our counselor.  Now...on with it...

I wrote a couple of weeks ago, while we were still in Dallas, just a little something about how our week-long intensive counseling session had gone.   Then last week I went a little more in-depth, writing about the first three days.  Today I'll talk about Days 4 and 5.

On the night of Day 3, Joel started this discussion right before bed...

J: i would like to be friends.
M: and how do you think that is a possibility?
J: the last argument we had was about 'so and so' (he said specifically, but it is an irrelevant detail that i'm leaving out here).  before that we were sort of friends…and we had worked through all the arguments before that.
M: joel, we hadn’t worked through anything.  because it all just kept happening.
J: but, we solved it all and i haven’t mistreated you again.
M: oh dear Jesus.
J: what have i done to mistreat you?
M: wow.  so blind.
J: i’m not blind.
M: you don’t know right from wrong.  you are blind, joel.
J: well, i’m praying.
M: you’ve been praying for years.  i don’t think you can hear from God.
J: i don’t judge you and your relationship with God.  i don’t think you should judge me and my relationship with God.  you’re dealing with your stuff and i’ll deal with mine.
M: i don’t have any stuff.  and i’m looking at your behaviors and attitudes and beliefs and thoughts.  those make it evident.  you’ve got until sunday to get unblind.
J: how would i look 'unblind?'
M: ask the counselor.  i’m not making lists and explaining the same things again to you anymore. 

Day 4

We had separate counseling sessions again, each for an hour and a half this time, and then met back up for counseling together for the last hour.  I don't know what Joel's hour and a half with the counselor alone involved specifically, but during my hour and a half, first I shared that conversation.

The counselor got it, y'all.  He knew that this was the last ditch effort.  He knew that this week of counseling would determine the course of our marriage.  And not only did he know that, he completely understood that.  He was completely on board with it and agreed.  He didn't at all think that I was being unreasonable.  He didn't at all think that I was lacking grace or being unforgiving.  He didn't at all think that I was being a bad wife.  What he actually said was that I had endured so much...and that it was time.  No...it was way overdue.  Something had to happen.  And he knew that.

This conversation from the night before just made it clear that Joel was still blind.  And not only was he blind, he didn't understand that the counselor considered him to be blind.  He didn't understand that the personal story our counselor told on Day 2 was a story he told for Joel...he didn't understand that, even though the counselor was looking right at him the whole time he told that story.  He was willing to be unblinded...but, he didn't believe he needed to be...which is the definition of 'being blind.'  Lol.

So, based on the conversation between Joel and me the night before, the counselor could see what had to be done.  And he assured me that he would make it clear to Joel that he believed he was blind and was calling him to pray for his eyes to be opened.

The rest of my time alone with the counselor was spent going through and praying through very thoroughly another defining memory like we did on Day 3.

When Joel and I came back together for the last hour of counseling, we started what would be our last main activity of the week.

Our counselor goes deep, as I said.  Super deep.  Like, down to the very depths of your heart and soul and spirit, literally, through prayer.  God has given him a true gift...and what a gift it is.  I'm not going to go into detail here about it, but basically it uncovers a lot of things in the lives of his clients.  It was very, very powerful.

So, we spent the last hour on Day 4 with him getting started on doing that with Joel.


Day 5

We met and quickly, for the 1st 18 minutes, went through that exercise that I wrote about last time...where we face each other and take turns taking 3 minutes to speak.  This time we made it through the whole 18 minutes.  It was a little brutal and as usual, even in this exercise, Joel tried to downplay things and I continued to call him out on those things, speaking the actual truth about what had happened.  Tenacity is not in my list of weaknesses.

Then we resumed the 'going deep' activity/prayer with Joel.  And then the counselor did the same thing with me.  It is a very involved exercise, so that actually took up the rest of our time...and in fact we ended up going almost an hour over our time.

When the exercise was over and we were about to say our goodbyes, the good thing was that a LOT was revealed through going deep.  A lot.  Especially in Joel's life.  When you live your life thinking that it is all just grand and peachy keen...when you then go deep and really get to the root issues of some things, you realize, ok wow...maybe things aren't so perfect after all.  So...a lot was revealed during that time, especially about Joel and his life.

Why not mine?  Because I already knew the crappy parts of my life.  LOL.  Believe me.  Haha.  And I've always known them and been aware of them.  I was not at all blinded to them or in any sort of denial.  My crap was not hidden by any 'religiosity.'

Sadly, that was not the case with Joel.  And because of the blindness to it all for all of these years, it had sadly caused way more damage to him than the unhidden crap in my life ever caused me.  And...because of the blindness to it all, our marriage was hanging by a single very, very frayed thread.  So frayed that one lonely, barely-holding-on strand was all that remained.

While so much had been revealed that week and I felt so much gratitude for that, and just that I was respected as a person and listened to and believed and understood (cannot tell you just how grateful I was for that)...the truth was that after I left that office, what next?  Sure, counseling had been different this time...but, would anything stick?  Would things go back to the way they had been for 3 ½ years?

When I expressed my concern, the counselor asked Joel if he wanted to share a little of what they had talked about the previous day.  Joel said that we were going to make decisions together and that was final.  I asked him, "What if we aren't coming to an agreement?  What if you continue to think one way and think your way is best no matter what?  What then?"  Joel stammered around a little and said that sometimes things would have to be done even when I didn't like it...because it just needed to be done.

Lol.  Wow.

The counselor interrupted him at that point and said, "Allow me to just 'rewind' with Joel a little bit here.  Joel, remember that what we actually talked about was that Michawn, I believe, all of her life, has been surrounded by people who haven't tried to know her and understand her."

Wow...I just started crying.  That was crazy.  Again...he totally got it.

It's true...the people who were people in my life who were supposed to want to get to know me and understand me, haven't.  In fact, throughout this whole horrible process of the past 3 ½ years, most of the people in my life who were supposed to be for me are the ones who have said things like "I don't know the whole story and I don't want to know the whole story."  Or when told about how things weren't as they seemed, "Oh...I just don't even want to know."  Who does that?  Who does that to someone they supposedly care about?

Guess what?  If you really care about someone, you want to know about their lives.  You want to know about them.  It doesn't matter if something in their lives makes you uncomfortable...you want to know them.  You want to share in their joys and their sorrows.  You want to help them in any way you can.  You want to love them...the VERB love...and you can't truly show love to someone when you don't even want to know them.

Sadly, that has been a running theme in my life.  That was one of the things that was revealed to our counselor this week, partly through my memories that we walked through.

Here's the crazy thing about that...I am not hard to understand.  The specific people in my life that we are talking about truly didn't try to get to know me.  Either they had certain beliefs and preconceived notions about children (during the early years)...and/or females; or some people just see who I am and don't like me and what I stand for.  But, understanding me is not hard.  Anyone who truly gets to know me (which is also not hard...I love getting to know people), they easily understand me.  Because, as you who truly do know me know...what you see is what you get.  It's not like I'm this complicated human being.  LOL.  Not at all.

But...Joel stopped trying to understand me.  When things came up and we disagreed, he just started calling the shots (as per his counsel at the time) and listening to others about me (who said there was 'no reasoning with Michawn') instead of talking to me and listening to me.

So, when the counselor went back and reviewed with Joel what they had discussed the day before, he reminded him that what they had talked about was that it isn't his job to make the decisions.  It's his job to listen to me and seek to know me and seek to understand me...and then he would be able to see and know why I have the beliefs and opinions I have.  And then we would be able to make decisions together.  The counselor reminded Joel that, despite some of the things he had been told by others, his wife is not an unreasonable person.  In fact, she is quite the opposite.  And it would behoove him to listen to her.  And then and only then would we be able to move forward in any decision that came up...and, move forward in our marriage.

Joel said, "Yes...that is right...that is what we talked about."

It didn't quite make me feel at ease that Joel had already forgotten that...and had gone back to his old ways of thinking immediately.  But...our time was up and they both assured me that it would be better, so we left.

I knew we weren't done though.  I knew it.  I'll talk more about that next time.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 43 - Counseling Done Right, 1}

I cannot tell you what a night and day experience it was between the counseling we got last week and all of the counseling we had before.  Night and day, people!!  Night and day.  I seriously cannot get over it.

Partly because it makes me soooo sad.  So very very sad.  It has become very evident that it is so very rare to be able to find a really, really good counselor.  A just and super knowledgeable counselor.  One who truly seeks to know you and understand you.  One who is so mature and so wise and so discerning that they can see each person for who they are...that they can look deeper and listen and learn.  That they don't even think about doing things like projecting their own experiences or feelings onto someone else's situation.  Or assuming things or twisting words.  And they don't even entertain surface issues, but go straight for the root causes.  Someone who is so very empathetic and kind...and at the same time very straightforward and truth-telling.  

In short...very, very led by God and so very God-like.  

This is extremely rare.

But, praise God, it does exist.  And we found it.  Finally.  

I can't tell you how much damage and harm has come to our marriage by seeing the 8 (!!) counselors before this (4 lay, 4 licensed).  Incredible damage.  Why?  Because none of those 8 people could do what this one man did in just a few short hours.  Because these people are not like this man...they don't have the qualities and characteristics mentioned above.  Even the 4 who have undergone extensive training and should be able to do what he does...they can not, and they do not.  

It's an extremely rare find.

Which is just extremely gut-wrenching to me.  If there were more actually good counselors, there would be many less divorces and hurting people around...I'm convinced.  Because many of these people want help...but they just can't find it.  

I don't know if I can convey to you with words here just how extremely grateful I am that we were able to see this counselor (and will continue).  He is the only counselor I will ever go to from now on.  He is the only counselor I will ever recommend to others.  

And he is worth the travel to get to him and the money spent.

Just a little ditty here that might mean something to some of you to show just how awesome he is...it involves some name-dropping (which he himself never does, but I just know these things about him) and adds to his 'credentials':  He was on staff at the Vineyard in Anaheim and worked closely with John Wimber.  He also, now, is the counselor for John Eldridge and all of his team.  Yes...he's amazing.

Here is the account of the first few days with our wonderful God-sent counselor. 

Day 1

Given our history with counselors, I was sooo sick to my stomach and nervous and scared that I couldn't eat a thing.  It was horrible.

We got there at 10am and he was very nice.  I had listened before (last year) to some teachings he's done, so I knew his voice.  His voice is a great, soothing, wonderful mix of Kevin Costner and Jeff Bridges.  I love it...so it was inviting to me.

As the 4 hour session went on, I also knew that he was listening to me and believing me and respected me.  That is HUGE.  And, he was kind and caring...sympathetic and empathetic...really understanding when and why something upset me.  "It's ok, dear...take your time."  So sweet.

He started out by asking us what we wanted from the week.  I said that I just wanted to get to the root issues...the real root issues here.  If we could take care of the root issues, then in time, most often the symptoms fall away on their own.  He agreed.  And assured me that that is his philosophy too.

Joel said that he just wanted to find out for sure what was going on too.  And that he still really wanted our marriage to be healed.

We talked a good deal about just some background stuff.  A little background on each of us, some things in our marriage that brought us to this point.

There were a couple of times where I could see that he was getting me.  Ahhhh, finally.  He was looking to the bottom line, to the root issues.  He was seeing.  He wasn't blinded.

At one point he even asked Joel point blank, 'In the things that you've agreed that you've done, can you see why Michawn doesn't trust you?'

I was floored.  Unbelievable that this had never happened in our counseling before.  That's a very basic, no-brainer question...so tragic that nobody had ever talked to Joel like that in all of these years.

After a couple of hours, he said that he knew a couple of bottom line things.  He explained to us that, when faced with challenging things as a child, people respond to that in one of three ways.  They either become moving toward people, they start moving against people, or they start moving away from people.

The people who move toward people are your compliant people...they are your 'people-pleasers.'  They generally are 'needy' and seek approval.

People who move against people are your more competitive people.  They want control, they want to be the best, they want to be the most, and they will fight against anyone who might stop them from doing that.

People who move away from people are your detached people.  They are strong and independent.  They need emotional distance.  They draw a magic circle around themselves and prefer to be alone.

A little more about these three 'trends':

All three trends are available to us and healthy persons are able to move in any of these directions when needed. What usually happens, though, is that we become comfortable and used to one of the trends and so the other two become less accessible.  

We can exaggerate a good thing or miss the mark. At the core of each trend is a healthy striving to cooperate with others, to assertively set boundaries, and to step back to be with ourselves in solitude or step away from/break ties with a harmful person. When we overdo these maneuvers, or when they become defensive and reactive instead of proactive, we become compliant (people-pleasers), aggressive (people who move against/are competitive & controlling), and detached (people who move away). There is a healthy to distorted continuum with these three trends.

Our counselor, after the 1st day's session, said that he thought Joel moves toward people and I move away.  And that was the bottomest of bottom lines for us.  The root issue.  Everything else sprung out of that.

I was encouraged by our time together.  I felt like he really *got* it.  I felt like I could probably trust this man (although I was still very cautious; time would tell).  And I was looking forward to more insights.

He gave us homework...

We both read our handout on our 'bottom lines'...mine the 'moving away' handout, and Joel's the 'moving toward' handout.  We underlined the things that most resonated with us about our bottom line.  And then we switched and anything that I thought was true of Joel that he didn't underline, I underlined with a different color ink.  He did the same.

We also read a handout called "On Being Ordinary" (an article he wrote some years ago).  Very interesting.  It was all about how everyone still has sin.  When God comes and saves us, He "removes sin from the soul, the spirit, and heart.  But, He does not remove sin from the body and the brain.  So the believer is both a person who has sin removed from him and has sin abiding in him.  He is a 'duality of purity and impurity.'  In other words, the inner man is cleansed.  The outer man continues to contain sin.  The body and brain, or outer man, isn't sinful just because it contains sin...but rather, it is the 'home on earth' of sin."  So, the battle of sin is not within the heart, it is a battle between the heart (inner man) and body/brain (outer man).



Day 2

I have to admit...I woke up and was already kind of irritated.  Just tired and irritated that we are going through all of this.  And irritated with Joel that...of course he just still doesn't get it.

We got to the counseling session and he wanted to teach us a tool...the one tool he was going to teach us this week.  He got us to turn our chairs to face each other.  It's a tool that is supposed to foster connection.  So, you each spend 3 minutes talking about certain things...6 different time slots of 3 minutes alternating between each other, so 18 minutes total.  Joel went first and the first thing he was supposed to talk about for 3 minutes was just what he was sensing with his 5 senses.  He did that and then also went into how he saw me and talked about how he liked my glasses and my outfit, yada yada yada...and how he still just had a heavy heart about all that had happened and where we were and how much it might take to fix it.

Then it was my turn.  I had no desire to connect with Joel.  I just couldn't do it.  So, I said that all I could see was the man who destroyed my life in every possible way.  And that I felt no good feelings toward him.  And then I said nothing else for the rest of my 3 minutes.

The counselor quickly decided that we wouldn't be able to do that exercise quite yet...just not time.  What was different about this counselor in this instance?  He didn't think that I was being difficult.  He wasn't upset.  He completely understood...and said like it was no big deal "That's fine...it's just not time yet."  Again...very unlike other counselors and people in our lives the past few years.  That is a sad and scary reality, folks.  :(

So, we put our chairs back and started talking about the handouts.  Joel went over his first...he agreed that it fit well with him.  He isn't 'needy' as is typical of that type of person, but he does seek and depend on approval from others (not all others, but some).  And he is compliant and a people-pleaser, no doubt.

Mine, turns out, wasn't so cut and dry.  While I underlined several things that I see in me that was listed in the 'Moving Away From People' handout, the things that are apparently key in being a 'moving away from people' person is not true of me...specifically "What is crucial is their inner need to put emotional distance between themselves and others."  While I have the ability to detach from people (which Joel and 'moving toward people' people do not really possess), I only truly detach from people who have been given many chances to connect with me (and/or many chances to not mistreat me), but refuse.  It is only toxic, damaging people from whom I detach...and I give lots and lots of chances before I do that.  In fact, what I wrote on my handout specifically was, "While I am independent and strong (listed characteristics of people who fall into this group), I only truly detach from certain people...people who have been given many chances to connect with me, but refuse."

So, it was back to the drawing board for me.  He gave me the handout to read about the "Moving Against People" to see if that rang more true for me.  I asked him what happens if it doesn't.  And I'm clearly not a compliant people-pleaser.  He said that we would have to figure me out if this didn't ring true for me.

I read it.  It didn't ring true.

The 'Moving Away From People' was the closest thing to me, but without that crucial need to distance myself from people across the board...it didn't really apply to me either.  So...we had to figure it out the next day.

I read an article he wrote called "Journey Out of Religiosity."  So good.

"The deep issues of religiosity lie in the heart.  The religious heart as compared with a kingdom heart is a concealed, hidden heart.  It is a blind heart filled with denial.  It is a stubborn, hard heart resting on the shaky foundation of needing to be right.  It grows directly from the heart of a child who has certain factors present...one being 'religiosity in parents.'"  Very interesting read...and I could see where religiosity has played a big part in where we find ourselves.  I've actually been saying that for years...but this handout just really confirmed it in a clear way.

The counselor finally received and read the timeline that day.  Joel continued to say that he couldn't see how it could possibly be that all of our problems (or sometimes he says 'all of her problems') stem from anything he's done.  The counselor immediately went into a story...and he told this story to Joel...a personal story of how he, in the early 90s, had some decisions to make.  His family was hurting and with problems.  They were saying that he was the problem.  He wasn't connecting with them.  He was unavailable.  He just could not see it.  The counselor finally, after a whole hour of hearing him defend himself, told his wife and children that when the optic nerve doesn't work, the eye is blind.  It's not that it's blindfolded...the sight just will not work no matter how you try to see and no matter how much you believe you can see.  There was really nothing that he could do...he couldn't make anyone see.  Their husband/father, our counselor, was just blind.

Our counselor said that he was extremely taken aback by what his family's counselor had said...that he was just blind.  So, they went home and our counselor prayed.  He prayed and prayed.  And on the 14th day of praying, it was like a light shone straight down on him and within that light was all understanding of what he was doing and he was no longer blind to the situation all around him...and his wrongdoing.  It was like a flip was switched.

"This is what has got to happen in our marriage," I wrote on Day 2.  "Joel has to see it.  Otherwise, our marriage will not work."

I also wrote:  "Praying for the blinders to be removed.  Only God can do that.  Only He can reveal that to Joel.  There is such a religious, blinded, concealed spirit.  Even if someone else were to tell him, that alone wouldn't be enough.  Because walking that out in will power...that wouldn't work.  It has to be revealed to Joel personally...God has to reveal that answer to him.  Praying."



Day 3

We met with our counselor separately...each for two hours (although mine turned into three hours...ha).

Day 1 had been so good.  Day 2 was good...but it was just more vague and kind of left me with questions again.  So...Day 3 first thing, I had questions.

I needed to know where we stood.  I needed to see where our counselor was with it all and see what he was thinking.

He started out reassuring me that he believed in a partnership marriage.  He said that that is what God intended when he made Adam and Eve...and then the fall happened, and then when people start focusing on the New Testament is where they get all messed up and it is damaging to marriages (Egalitarians know exactly where he is coming from with that last statement).

He said that he knows what man has done to women.  He knows what churches do to women.  He said that he knows the wife/women are blamed...that all the blame falls on her 99.9% of the time.

In short, he reassured me.  He could see me.  And he wasn't there to tell me that I need to do better or be a better wife or be a better Christian and if I did those things our marriage would get better.  That wasn't the problem.  He saw that.  He knew that.  Joel was blind to the things he had done and continued to do, he said.  And that is what had to happen...Joel had to be UNblinded.

Ahhhh...I felt relieved.  Praise God.  Someone could see it.  Someone was getting to the root.

He had started taking a family history the day before in the remaining minutes of our session.  He finished that with me...and then we just prayed.  Lots and lots of prayer.  Lots and lots of exercises mixed with prayer.  Exercises that involved me praying that God would bring to mind a defining memory that needed to be healed.  Then the counselor, in prayer still, would walk me through that memory and have me describe it in detail, I would 'go into' that memory (at the age I am now) and be with 'little girl Michawn' or 'younger Michawn' and talk with her, we would invite Jesus in, etc.  The counselor would take me through this memory very slowly, healing every part that needed to still be healed, guiding me through talking to each person that was a part of that memory, etc.  It was very, very interesting the things that came out of those memories that we walked through in prayer.  (Joel did the same thing with his time in his session...maybe he will write about it someday)

One of the things that came out for me personally was that, in each of these memories, 1) when I invited Jesus in in each memory, it was soooo powerful because it wasn't like I was inviting Him in or He was coming in for the first time...He had been there the whole entire time, from the beginning, completely protecting me from what was going on around me.  They were hard things and hard situations, but I went through those things, in real life, having learned from them, grown from them, and having the ability to be aware of what was going on around me without feeling like any of it was my fault or like I was to blame...or having any real lasting damage.  Even from as early an age as 3-4 years old.  And, I believe that is possible only because He was always there.  He protected me.  And, 2) I had already forgiven the people who were parts of these memories...who did harm to me.  I had never lived with unforgiveness toward them.  Which just confirmed something about me, that I knew, that was really great to see and hear...forgiveness is easy for me.  That is where I live.  It never occurs  to me to not forgive someone.  That's just not a part of my life.

Again, something I felt like shouting, "I told you so" from the rooftops after that session given the constant accusations the past few years that I am 'unforgiving.'  So...people who have said that about me...just shut up.

Another thing that came up was...he was trying to still figure out what the deal was with me since I wasn't fitting into one of the three categories...people who move toward people, people who move against people, or people who move away from people.  I had taken home the information about 'people who move against'...but that didn't fit me at all.  He had asked me about it at the beginning of the session...I had told him that it didn't fit.  So, at the end of the session...

I said, "Given the fact that moving away from people doesn't quite fit me and the other two options don't fit me either, do you think that it is possible that...?" 

Counselor:  "I do, dear." 

Me:  "Wait...what do you think?  You know what I was going to ask?" 

Counselor:  "I think that you probably move toward the people when it is right to do so, you move against them and challenge them and set boundaries when it is right to do so, and you move away from people when they have consistently shown that they aren't safe.  It's very rare, dear, but I think you are able to do this."  

By the end of the session, after having gone through all of those memories and seeing what was shown as a result of walking through those memories and seeing how I dealt with it all and how I felt about the people in those memories, it helped to solve the mystery.

Ahhhh.  Unbelievable that he saw me.  That he understood and knew me.  After all this time...someone could see me.  And knew me!  Just HUGE.  And they weren't afraid to say..."she's actually a very healthy person."  All this time I have been accused of all of these things...and if the accusers (including counselors) couldn't find something solid to accuse me of, they would make up stuff, even going so far as to making up that I have a mental illness.  I mean...being a healthy person wasn't an option for anyone.  How sad is that!  Being able to just healthily move between these three trends for instance, being able to forgive because the problem wasn't that I wasn't forgiving it was that the behavior I kept forgiving wasn't stopping, being able to walk away from people who were consistently harmful in my life...these are healthy things, people!  The people accusing me of being unhealthy and 'crazy' either didn't see these things as healthy (particularly distancing oneself from harmful people...they saw that as unforgiving instead of a healthy thing), or maybe it's so rare to see someone actually being able to move within these trends healthily, they didn't believe that to be true of me.

Whatever the thoughts of everyone in my life these past 3 ½ years, the bottom line is that they missed me completely.  They either 1) chose not to listen to me.  Or they listened, but then 2) chose not to believe me.  These are the only two things that I have experienced for the past few years by the people who were supposed to love me and by the people who I trusted to help me.  (How very sad and scary is that?!?)

And the whole time I've been telling the truth...and not being unhealthy while doing so.  I'm the one who could move between these three things in a healthy way.  Me!  I'm the one who forgave.  I'm the one who could see the root issues.  I'm the healthy one here!!

I'm not saying all of this here to be braggy, believe me.  But...after all the attacks from so many sources the past few years (and they just keep rolling in), I say this all to stick up for myself, yet again.  To defend myself.  And to say to the people who are still attacking and accusing...step the hades back!  You don't even know what you are talking about!  So stop wasting your breath with your accusations that are, still (and always have been), false.

:)  Hmmm...that felt good.  Hahaha.

To my very few friends that I have left in my life, in internet land and in real life, who have always known me and backed me 100%...thank you!!  You were right!  Haha.

I'll tell you about Days 4 & 5 and more next time.