Joel. Michawn. {Part 39 - Those Weeks in April, 2}

Because of all of the things mentioned in the last post, we were now in a state of crisis again.  We knew something had to happen.

We ended up going to a pastor/lay counselor.  I had such hope going there.  From what I had been told, I really thought he was going to be different.  I really thought that he might be for me, might care, might listen...that he might hold Joel accountable.

No such luck.

I wrote about our time there right after we got home from this counseling session, when it was all still just super fresh in my mind.  It had just happened, so I was able to write down what happened in great detail.  So, the details that are within the following account are taken from that.

Also, I don't share this in detail in hopes that you will pity me. I share to simply give you an idea of just how things have gone the past 3 ½ years...and why we're still in the same boat we've been in all along (although way further from the shore now).

We got to the counselor's house and his wife joined us too.  After the two weeks I had just had defending myself against Joel's family, having to give answers to others constantly for the things I had done and for things that Joel had said about me, and defending myself constantly against Joel...I. was. exhausted already.

We start out with prayer and a scripture.  You know...because that's just what you do when you are super holy and all.  (yes, that's snark)

Then Joel starts.  And I. am. not. even. kidding you...he gave a full-on monologue performance.  I didn't know he had so many words.  It lasted, I'm not kidding, 45 minutes.

Then I gave my side of the story...it was much, much shorter and bottom-liney.

And then as things progressed, I just knew right away.  This was going to be bad.

I'm not sure the thought processes of the people who were also in that room, so I can't really know for sure.  But basically after Joel gave his monologue, maybe his 'perfectness' and 'good intentions' and his 'I tried all I could try' statements won them over?  No idea.

But, the bottom line is that they just believed Joel over me.  Because...he didn't 'try all that he could try.'  And he didn't meet my needs (my very basic, logical, reasonable, understandable needs)...plain and simple.  But, he was barely even questioned in that regard...and he was never held accountable.

I felt like I was in just a really horrible nightmare as I sat in that counseling session.  I couldn't believe the things that were being said and the things that were being done.

No matter what I said, the questioning and the accusations and the blame was always turned back onto me.  The statement was made by the pastor/counselor, "I see a man that really loves you and is really trying...he's not perfect, but..."

It was stated over and over that "it went much deeper than Joel just not meeting those needs...couldn't just be that."

The whole entire time, Joel was believed over me.  And the subject was ME.  I was being called a know-it-all...about myself (he even questioned why I thought I knew...why I was so sure), and people even going so far as to label me with a mental illness (this was brought up again, by Joel, in this counseling session as well). Why?  Because I knew myself.  Because I knew my story.  Because I knew what happened...and refused to back down from that.

Did Joel ever get accused of being a 'know-it-all' or having a mental illness?...even though, again, the subject was ME?  No.  Never.  He could be sure and not back down and be fine.  Me?...there's something wrong with me if I'm sure about something and won't back down.  I couldn't be sure of myself and my story...that made me a know-it-all and 'difficult.'  But, Joel could be sure of MYself (me) and MY story.

All Joel had to do was say, "Ahh, no...it didn't really happen that way."  And they were all ears.

Towards the end, I was asked about my parents' divorce.  For those of you who don't know, my parents separated after 34 years of marriage...and then officially divorced around 4 years after that.  I was 30 years old when they separated and had just given birth to Hadley, my 2nd.  So...I had already grown up, was out of the house, and had my own family already established.

The counselor and his wife asked me if I was sad about their divorce.  I told them that I thought it was a sad thing that it happened.  And that I was very sad for my brother who was still living at home at the time, still growing up.  But was I sad?  It was a sad thing that happened...but, I understood it and wasn't completely surprised by it and therefore no...I didn't walk around sad about it.  It made me sad for them because divorce is always a sad thing and is never ideal...but I wasn't in a 'state of sadness.'

This convinced them right away that there had to be something else going on with me.  Something deeper.  Because I could talk about my parents' separation/divorce (that happened over 10 years ago) without sadness or becoming emotional, they just knew that all of our marital problems were caused by something deeper going on in me.

That was ludicrous to me actually.  But, I'm a teachable person.  I'm open.  I didn't think that their reasoning for thinking there were deeper issues was legitimate.  But, I indulged...I said to them, "O.K., you know what?  What if there is something deeper?  I was never allowed that time to recover and rest and heal...I was never allowed the thing that I said I needed...the 'cure' for all of this.  So, if I was allowed that, and then at the end, it wasn't 'cured'...then O.K.  There's something deeper.  But...I've never been allowed that shot...I've never been allowed what I needed."

Counselor said, "Ohhhhkaaaay.  Thaaat's truuue.  Joel, what do you say to that?"

Joel, in his 'I'm-so-innocent charm' said, "All I can say is that I tried my hardest to give her what she needed."

That was his only defense.  And...that was the only defense he needed.

That was the end of the questioning for Joel.  And they all looked back at me, fully believing his answer.  Fully satisfied with his answer.

I said, "Wait...Joel agrees with the timeline I wrote out and sent you.  And the timeline clearly shows that I was not given what I needed...that I was not given rest.  I was constantly hounded about going here and going there and we need to know this, etc. etc.  That clearly shows that I was not made priority, and not given a period of rest and recovery."

**Crickets**

Nothing was said.

And then...

"There's just something deeper going on here."

I sighed and knew that we were done there.  And said that I didn't agree.

And then the counselor literally started arguing with me.  He literally visibly got upset with me.  He got visibly upset with me because I was saying that he was wrong about me.  Now that's crazytown.

This is how it actually went down.  Keep in mind, we were about 4 hours in at this point.  Four hours of not being believed.  And four hours of seeing them respect and listen to and believe Joel at his word.  I was already devastated at this point.  Super defeated...in the way I felt and my demeanor...there was no hiding it.  So, when you read this, keep that in mind.  I was not being argumentative...I was sticking up for myself still with the very last ounce of energy I had.  But, picture someone lying on the ground barely able to interact after being kicked for 4 hours...that was me.  Our exchange...

Counselor:  You have something deeper going on here.
Me:  I don't.
Counselor:  I think you do.
Me:  Well, I don't.
Counselor:  Well, you do.  (At this point I was like, 'are you serious?'  Are you the counselor that has to get the last word or something?  lol)
Me:  You're wrong.  And I'm done.

Joel then asked if I wanted to try to get in with an intensive marriage week that this counselor had mentioned.  To which I said no, because at that point I wasn't interested in anything associated with this man.  I said, "No...I'm done."

The pastor/counselor then said, very belligerently and mockingly, "What...are you ready to go draw up the divorce papers now?"  (Seriously couldn't believe how immature and aggressive he was being at this point)

I said, "I'm just not willing to live like this anymore."

They asked again about the marriage week, I again said no, and then the pastor/counselor said, "Are you scared that someone else wouldn't have the same viewpoint as you?"

Again...badger badger badger...but now I'm being ganged up on by not just Joel, but also the counselor.

I said, "I'm scared I wouldn't be listened to or believed again."

At that point, I got up and told Joel that I was going to the bathroom and then I wanted to leave.

As I got up to go to the bathroom, the counselor quoted the 'take up your cross and follow Me...deny yourself' verse.  I said, 'Yeah...that verse applies to Joel too."  He said, "Deny yourself."  I again said something about Joel.  And then he said, "I don't see that in scripture."

I have no idea what he was talking about there, but I just said, 'O.K.'  Maybe he was talking about how we aren't supposed to point out that other people are supposed to deny themselves?  That I wasn't being very scripture-like by pointing that out?  But, if that's the case...he shouldn't have been pointing the finger at me that I needed to deny myself.  ??  I don't know...that whole conversation was all very surreal anyway.  And super immature of him, the counselor and a seasoned pastor, to take an argumentative tone.

Joel, of course, never got that same admonishment...to deny self.  Just me.

As we left, Joel and the counselor exchanged many verbal 'sorrys' back and forth (the counselor even saying, 'well, we tried...sorry Joel'), and they exchanged many looks that conveyed, 'wow...I'm sorry for you, Joel' and 'see...this is what I have to live with.'

And then we left.

It was seriously one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had.

I walked away from there unbelievably deflated.  I had gone there with such hope.  And once again...I had been zeroed in on.  Joel was not at all held accountable for anything.  I was blamed and told that I just needed to deny myself.  And I was not believed...I was told that what I was saying wasn't actually what was going on...Joel was telling the truth that he had done all he could...and it was a much deeper issue anyway.

I was not believed.  And they just took Joel at his word with every single question.

I mean, it couldn't be that there's something deeper with Joel.  Heavens no...that wasn't even ever a thought in anyone's mind.  I mean, Joel wasn't the one hurting here.  The deeper issue has to lie within the one that is hurting, right?

Couldn't be Joel.  Couldn't be that the one who is hurting is hurting because of his deeper issues.  Couldn't be that he has a major 'leave and cleave' issue.  Couldn't be that he doesn't put his wife and kids priority.  Couldn't be that he doesn't want to do the hard things and...oh, what's the phrase?...deny himself.  No no...it's not Joel that has the deeper issues.

So much could be said about all of this.  But, my initial thoughts as I was processing this all right afterwards were these:

1.  Men in general are seen as more steady and therefore more trustworthy.  Sadly, they are more 'steady' many times...because they are not ONE with their wives.  So, when their wives hurt, they don't hurt.  (Joel is a prime example of this)

2.  We women are, many times, visibly more wounded...which translates many times to 'unstable' and 'frantic.'  Sadly, we are more 'frantic' sometimes...because a) our husbands aren't taking care of us, and 2) nobody is believing us.

We're told things like 'You are just taking this the wrong way' or 'You're being too sensitive.'  Soooo many things we're told.

But here's the thing...why on earth would I make this all up?!?  Why why why?!?

As if I would lie and make up a 'story' that my husband hasn't taken care of me...that my husband has abused me in many ways.  That is hard enough to say out loud.  It makes it 100 times worse when we finally do admit and verbalize it, but then aren't believed.

My life was sooooo good before all of this.  So good.  We had a rough last year in Brazil.  But, I wanted to come home, rest and heal, and then continue with my life.

A couple of nights ago I dreamed about a time I was riding in a car in Brazil with some friends there.  I was happy.  I was laughing.  I was joking with our friends and they were joking with me.  Life was light and airy and free.

I woke up and I literally almost started crying.  Because I woke up to the so sad realization that...I hadn't been allowed the opportunity to continue with my life.  Because instead of the rest and healing that was required in order to do so, I was bombarded with everything under the sun that is the opposite of rest and healing.  Therefore...

No more riding in cars with friends in Brazil

No more babies

No adoptions

No volunteering at the orphanage

No health

No normalcy in everyday activities

Just a whole bunch of missing out while stuck in this huge hurricane of life...so exhausted by the constant dog-paddling for 3 ½ years to stay near the surface.  It's so tempting to just relax my arms and let the storming, crashing waves take me down to the bottom of the sea.

And, with this example of a counseling session (which gives a clear picture of the kind of counseling we've encountered all along), where I felt anything but safe, you can see for yourselves why just relaxing my arms is so tempting.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 38 - Those Weeks in April, 1}

(**I was supposed to be relaxing and recovering and healing this summer.  So, I wasn't blogging.  But, that all changed at the beginning of July and I started blogging again.  And I needed to catch the blog up from where I left off.  This is a part of that catch-up.  These stories are not fun and heartwarming stories.  But, they are stories that need to be told.  I document all of my family's journey here...the good and the bad.  So while I know these things are not easy to read, they are important to share.  Just wanted to reinforce that belief.  And I've been saying that and living that out my whole life.  Having said that, I also want to reinforce something else...you can now stop contacting me to tell me that my sharing all of this is wrong.  I obviously don't agree with you.  And I obviously am not going to stop sharing this story...the story of this hard time in our lives.  I understand that it is rare for one to do that.  I understand that telling the truth is rare...how very sad, by the way.  But, this is a good thing.  And I won't stop.  So...do not contact me with those criticisms anymore.  Thank you.

I also want to say a big thank you to the people who continue to send messages like this:  "I hate that you have had to experience this, but it has truly helped me," and this pastor's wife who said, "...here you are having to fight against the stupid world for being 'vocal' and shining light into the real reality of marriage! Hang in there, hold your head up and fight ! God loves u and u are not alone!"  You guys mean more than you know.  Thank you for being people who, regardless of the naysayers, can see my heart and know why I share.)

Even back in April I planned on doing a blog post called 'Those Weeks in April.'  I even told a friend to be watching for it (that friend, btw, is not my friend anymore...I have lost lots of things and lots of opportunities and lots of people in my life through all of this sadly; although truthfully, were they ever really my friends?...you find out a lot about people when you go through something like this).

April was an incredibly hard month.  I spoke to that in my first post in May, saying, "Whew...April was hard, y'all.  Daaaaaaang.  If you only knew. Deeeeeeep breath.  Praise the Lord it's over.  And...life is better.  You'll hear all about it here in time."

I had to back up and talk about 'those 7 months' in the last blog post before I talked about this...because to speak of April without also telling what I now know was also going on during that time would be incomplete and inaccurate.  Now that that's done, let's unpack April a bit this time.  Next time we'll finish up with April.  And in the blog post after that, I'll give you an update on us...how we're doing and what's going on now, present-day.

Things started getting hard again in January and it just got harder and harder as the months went on until we got to April...and that's when some poop started hitting the fan.

This whole time we were supposed to be rebuilding us.  Getting stronger as a couple.  Growing together again.  Reconnecting.  Becoming friends again.

Joel was supposed to be about the task of establishing and rebuilding and gaining my trust again.  He was supposed to be making me priority again after years of not making me priority...and reassuring me that I was priority.  There was supposed to be no doubt in my mind that he was with me and for me and would never put anything above me again (other than God...I shouldn't have to add this part, but I know some will jump on it if I don't) ever as long as we lived.  It was me and him.  Just us.

Except it wasn't.  I know that now.

It became worse and worse.  All of those things that we were supposed to be accomplishing...that Joel was supposed to be accomplishing (I was doing my part)...that all just gradually flew out the window.

I had been badgered for years, since we'd been back in the states, about traveling and going and doing and keeping up appearances and sticking to a furlough schedule.  Then after we stopped traveling I was badgered about how I was wrong and how there was something wrong with me and how I just needed to be more disciplined or more Godly or more this or more that.  It was constant badgering.

When we separated, that eased up.  Praise God.

But, I had let him back in.  I had trusted him again.  I had trusted him with my life and my heart and I had trusted him to be my teammate again.  My partner.  I had trusted him to take care of me like I took care of him.  I had trusted him to not beat me up anymore with his constant badgering and accusations.

Yet here we were again.  January - March it gradually got worse and worse.  What was the constant badgering and accusations about now?  I was the reason we weren't reconciled with his family, he said.  If I had 'done it their way,' we would be able to talk to them still.  If I had 'met them on their level,' it all would have been O.K.  I was the reason he was separated from his family.  I was to blame.  I hadn't approached them in the right way.  I hadn't spoken the right words to them.  I hadn't dealt with it correctly.  It was all me.  All my fault.

First of all, keep in mind that this whole time he was accusing me of being the reason he couldn't talk to his family...he was talking to his family.  Unbelievable.

Secondly, I, the victim of their bad behavior, bent over backwards to do my part to reconcile.  They, the perpetrators, bent over not at all.  Not. At. All.

So, no...it was not my fault.  I was beaten up constantly with the accusations and badgering and the realization that, wow...this is happening again?...and the devastation that that brought because that meant that again...I was not priority, and again...I was not being taken care of.  It was beyond devastating, y'all.  Just beyond devastating.

But...I knew the truth.  And I refused to accept that I had done wrong in that situation.  Because I had not.

So, then came April.  And with it came the first wave of Facebook attacks.  And with those attacks came more blame.  And more blame.  I was not only to blame for his family's failure to reconcile.  I was now also to blame for their anger and their attacks.

And again...all this time he was talking to them behind the scenes.  Behind my back.

After the attacks, I got a message from a friend that said that, if Joel had told his family some of the things that he told them while he was in Brazil, then they could understand his family's hard time letting some of those things go if Joel hadn't asked forgiveness for saying those things in the first place, and hadn't made things right by making it very clear the real stories and explanations behind the things he told them.

First of all, I made it very clear in my response to our friends that Joel had asked forgiveness, from me and from his family, for saying things about me that either weren't true at all or didn't give the full story and made me look bad.  And I made it known that we had tried to clear things up with his family and work it all out...clear my name of any false accusations and tell the full stories of some of the half stories that had been told to make me look bad.

We tried.

They refused.

So...there was nothing we could do about that.

But, my friend and her husband wrote out what exactly Joel had told them.  And in that message, I saw that they still had questions themselves.  Some of it was just no-brainer type stuff that Joel had brought up...like Joel was concerned for the kids in all of this.  Well, yeah.  He should have been concerned for the kids...who wasn't?  Since he was blaming me for it all, of course the concern for the kids came out of what I was doing.  Here's what I mean...

I needed a break...some healing, some rest...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  I was never given that rest.  I needed that rest because of all the things that had happened that last year in Brazil.  And then I continue to need to to this day because I still haven't gotten it...all I've gotten is opposition and more and more stress and abuse...unbelievable amounts.  But...he does not see that he's played a role in that at all.  As I responded to my friend asking that yesterday:

he knows that i’ve been stressed, but he sees no role he’s played in it.  he thinks i’m just not disciplined enough or that i’m ‘giving in’ to feelings that i could control...i could decide to not be stressed if i wanted to.  i could decide to just be 'happy' if i wanted to.  that has always been his stance.  i could decide to just look over what his family said and did if i wanted to.  etc. etc.  it’s all within my control...and i just choose not to do it.  and i choose not to do it because i want to control and manipulate him and our circumstances. 

So he just doesn't take care of me.  And it was all my fault because I was choosing to be hurt/injured/damaged/in need of a break.  Anyway...

Some of what Joel's 'concerns' were that he shared with our friends in Brazil were half-stories...and I could tell that I needed to tell the rest of the story which would clear it all up and satisfy any doubts.  Joel got a copy of the message and he started answering it as well.

But, when I got his copy of his answers to their concerns, it was basically just him re-voicing everything that he had told them while he was in Brazil.

I couldn't believe it.  I really couldn't.  So...he still believed those things?  He still was only focusing on parts of the stories so that he could be justified in his actions and thoughts?  Some of the things that he had said 'concerned' him were just natural consequences and things that had happened because of his sin.  Because he didn't take care of his wife.  Yet...I was the bad one...and he was spreading that all over town (and Brazil).  But the worst part?  He was still saying the same things?  Still just re-voicing those same concerns...not at all seeing that it was all just a result of his sin.

Let me just give you an example (this was written about a week after the first Facebook attacks; the first part with asterisks and quotations was one of the listed concerns Joel shared with our friends and then my answer to that concern follows; yes, it is again about his family; yes, I get tired of hearing the belly-aching and accusations directed toward me about his family too, esp. after all they said and believed about me and after they refused to reconcile...I mean, cut the cord; but this is my real life, people):

**“Joel was not allowed to take the kids to visit their grandparents- even w/out you. I know you addressed that in your blog and think I read that some of the readers (his brother included) felt that you had kept them from seeing the family. I understood even then in APS that Joel wanted to see his parents and take the kids but was not allowed. If he did take them w/out you  then he was afraid things would get much worse.” 

this is all true.  i sacrificed and took that horribly miserable road trip from louisiana to pennsylvania and back in april 2013 to be with and see his family.  even though my husband had refused me any sort of rest or recovery that i was needing so badly, i went…for his family.  and for him.  if he had truly been who he was supposed to be being…as someone wrote in a blog comment in response to this whole situation (this was in response to the Facebook attacks at the beginning of April)…"I read your posts and they hurt my heart because I KNOW what massive stress feels like myself, and can imagine that all that you've been through - moving all those times, miscarriage, living a life thousands of miles from any support system - would put you at risk of illness going by the Holmes stress scale. And the ones who should have loved you the most have been negligent at best, and downright brutal today on social media. I'm so, so sorry about that, friend. Jesus would have treated you like a bruised reed, or carried you in his arms like a lamb... And so many who call themselves His followers have been so incredibly rude and hateful and really all too happy to keep kicking when you're already down.” joel is in that group.  he repeatedly, daily, kept kicking me when i was already down.  he was relentless.  no break.  no understanding. i desperately needed a husband, a teammate, a partner…who would look out for me and take care of me and meet my very basic needs.  that NEVER happened.  unfortunately, it’s still a struggle to be honest, even though it’s better and more understanding is there.  it’s a process.  but, at that time…there was NOTHING.  just heartlessness.  you yourself said (when his story he was telling everyone about me was that i was depressed), ‘michawn, even if you were depressed, wouldn’t it be the loving thing to do to meet you where you are and take care of you instead of getting mad about it and talking bad about you?’  

so…after the trip in april 2013 (which was only 2 years ago…that’s not that much time…if we were still on the foreign mission field, that is not at all unreasonable or anything), yes…we were done traveling (although joel never stopped asking and trying to insist that we travel).  i held my ground.  he wasn’t going to be that person that treated me with care, but he wasn’t going to go so far as to just leave whenever he wanted to and go wherever he wanted to either.  and he for sure wasn’t going to take my kids.  yes, things definitely would have gotten much worse had he tried that.  so yes…all true.  sadly, seeing his wife in need, he shouldn’t have wanted to leave her.  he’s working on being that kind of husband. 

Well, in April, I still thought he was working on being that kind of husband.  Turns out, not so much.

I also wrote in another section...

roots run deep.  sometimes he goes back to that way of thinking…esp. when things get hard.  we’ve established that two of the main roots we have to deal with are 1) he never did the leave and cleave thing (and was never really taught that…pretty sneaky of his family), and 2) if things are hard, he doesn’t follow through…he runs from those things.  why did he buy an airline ticket to his brother’s wedding behind my back when he had given me his word that he wouldn’t go months earlier?  a combination of those 2 root issues.  so…he still goes back to those things, those ways…and starts accusing me of things again…blaming me for the hard things. 

Anyway, that incident, and seeing the fact that he was still voicing those same 'concerns,' was another real eye-opener.

His reaction to the Facebook attacks (and the fact that he blamed me for them) and the fact that he still had the same 'concerns'...we were in crisis again.

We went to a pastor/lay counselor that week.  I'll tell you the story of that, and how the rest of April went, tomorrow.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 37 - Those 7 Months}

What 7 months you ask?  

'The lying months.'   

I hadn't even told my best friend here where I live any details about it until just a couple of days ago.  She knew that Joel had lied.  But, when I started telling her examples of what his lying actually entailed, her eyes got big and her head went back and she said, "OH, we ain't just talkin' about some little lies here and there...this is involved.  Wow!"

Wow is right.  

So, here's the story...

I had tried to work things out with Joel's family for 2 months.  It didn't happen.  They didn't want to discuss what had happened and get things cleared up.  They wanted to move on and not be held accountable and not face any consequences...not even the 'consequences' of just simply talking about it.  

Therefore, it was imperative, for the health of myself and for the health of our marriage, that we move on.  But, we wouldn't be moving on with them...because with them we were still stuck in the 'it hasn't been worked out' zone.  We had tried everything, we had told them that if they couldn't bring themselves to discuss it all with me, we would have to move on without them and not be in contact with them anymore...we had to focus on us.  They still refused to work it out, so we had to leave them there.  

The last contact we had with part of his family was the end of October.  Then there was a glimpse of hope that there would be at least part of his family that was willing to talk it out and admit where they were wrong and get things cleared up...yet that proved to not be the case either by mid-November.  

Joel was heartbroken about it of course.  And I didn't understand it at all...that they could/would do that.  But, it was what it was, as they say.  There was nothing more we could do.  

But I could see the tug.  I could tell that Joel's cord was still connected.  

I sat him down and we discussed, since we were moving forward (we had to...we were really suffering again by this point with all the division brought about by his family yet again), that we needed at least a year.  We needed to just focus on us...for at least a year.  No worrying about extended family, no committing to anything else or anyone else, no big changes, nothing that we didn't both agree to, etc.

In looking toward the future, there were some things that came up in my mind that were possibilities that would completely disrupt that.  Completely.  And we had to be willing to lay down anything in order to fix our marriage.  Anything.  

I came up with a few of those scenarios that came to mind that just might happen in the coming year from that point.  And Joel was not willing to lay those things down.  Again, others were priority.  

They just were.

So, the week before Thanksgiving of last year, Joel moved out again.  I don't remember if I've even written about that or not.  But, I was no longer willing to play 2nd fiddle...or 3rd or 4th or 5th...whatever it was that I was.  Our marriage had been destroyed...and that had to be priority.  Over all.  

A few days later Joel decided that he would choose to make it priority.  And the things in those possible scenarios of the coming year, if they should happen, he would lay them down.  He came back home.  And it was supposed to be us...just me and him...working together to save our marriage.  

This was the day before Thanksgiving.  

He wrote this post at the beginning of December.  Remember?  Everyone praised him and was so congratulatory about how humble he was in writing it?  

Right around the time he wrote that, what else was he doing?  That's when he started talking to his family again.  Yes, the cord is pulled tight, folks.

He would call them when I wasn't around.  Or they would call him and he would let them know if it wasn't a good time to talk (because when you are betraying your wife and kids and doing something that you are not supposed to be doing, it's important to keep it a secret).  

And that's when it started, at the beginning of December...right after we said that it was imperative that we not have any contact with them.  And it lasted until the beginning of July.  

So when one of his brothers tried emailing me in January again after just abandoning the productive conversation he and I were having in November, Joel had been talking to him behind the scenes.  It wasn't at all weird for that brother to make contact again...he had never not had contact.  I hadn't heard from him since he just went silent on our conversation in November.  But, he had heard from 'us.'  

When I was blatantly attacked on Facebook the first weekend of April by one of his brothers, his SIL, and her aunt, Joel was talking to them behind the scenes.  And had been, for months.  I was appalled that they were making contact again when they had been told not to.  But, they weren't making contact with us again for the first time since November...they had been in contact the whole time with Joel, and I had no idea.

That incident of first being attacked on Facebook was the beginning of the horrible April we had.  I know now that his continuing communication with his extremely divisive family was a big culprit in that.  I didn't know it then...since I didn't know they were in contact.  I'll get to more details about the month of April next time.  But as far as the subject at hand this time...

Joel, during the month of April, fasted food for 21 days.  Very holy.  Very spiritual.  And the whole entire time he was fasting, he was also 'having an affair' with his family.  That whole 21 days of living without food and being in a more attune place in his mind and heart...he was able to keep that darkness in his life...those lies and secrets and hidden places.

Joel found out that month that one of his brothers was going to be in Mississippi at the beginning of May, in a place a little over 3 hours away from where we live.  Joel talked to that brother and got that brother to send me an email asking if we could all meet up.  That brother emailed me...and I was again appalled.  Why were they all still trying to be in contact with us?  We had set boundaries!!  So...Joel had to pretend to be incensed too.  He had to pretend to be appalled at his brother emailing me (something that he himself asked his brother to do!!)...and then constructed an email back to his brother expressing his fake outrage.  

Are you kidding me?  Lies upon lies upon lies upon lies.    

Right after that, after Joel and I had spent a full week in intensive conversation and going over facts of all that has happened (again...I'll explain this in more detail next time...but it was a very, very emotionally and mentally exhausting week)...that is when I was again attacked on Facebook...this time by one of his sisters, her husband, and their friends.  Instead of Joel being outraged that this part of the family too was now also 'all-of-a-sudden' making contact again with us when they weren't supposed to be...instead of being outraged, he wanted to call them.  He really was truly appalled by what they were doing and saying on Facebook this time and what they were saying about me and accusing me of...because we really had made some headway that week and some things had been revealed to his heart.  But, he wasn't outraged that they had made contact.  Why?  Because they had been in contact all along.  

Two hours after the attacks began that day, Joel left for the weekend.  He had told me several times that he just wanted to call his sister to clear things up and stop their behavior.  But, we had set clear boundaries.  They weren't supposed to make contact with us at all, but in their bad behavior, we weren't going to turn around and gift them with a call from Joel.  He agreed.  No calls.

He called her the next day when he was out of town.  When I was totally trusting him to do the right thing.  After we had just had that incredible week of reconnecting.  He called her.

He was with them.  He was with them...all along.  Not me.  They were all in the know, he and his family...all along.  Not me.  They were together...all along.  We weren't together.  They were together in their covert activities to try to get what they all wanted.  They were together in all of these secrets that went against me.  And they all knew it.  

Divisive.  

Manipulative.

Dark.

Wrong.  

After hearing this story, and the extent to which Joel has gone in his hidden darkness, you might finally say to yourself, 'O.K., there's something wrong in his life.  I believe it now.'  

That is not why I tell this story.  I'm here to tell you that the reality of this story...the darkness of what he did for those 7 months...and would still be doing if I hadn't found out...just points to the condition of his heart.  And that condition of his heart has been present for at least 3 ½ years.  

This is what I've been trying to show you and tell you.  This is what I've been living with.  

And I'm not the only one.  These kinds of things happen all the time.  And 'holy' men are protected and excuses are made for them.  And the victims of their bad behavior and betrayal and abuse are left to fend for themselves and accused of 'exaggerating' or 'expecting too much.'

This has to stop, people.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 36 - Grace, Forgiveness, True Repentance, and Reconciliation}

I read a critique of an interview a couple of days ago.  It is an interview of a well-known pastor who has stepped down and been accused, and incriminated, of some not-great things.  I'm going to post portions of it here and add my own emphasis to parts...because gracious does it resonate with me in my own situation...and what I see in the church at large.  The incriminated pastor, by the way, wasn't accused of any sexual or physical abuse of any kind.  The abuse that he was found guilty of was an abuse of power...and wrong ways in which he wielded that power that caused much damage (this very sentence could be written about Joel...it perfectly describes what has happened in our marriage).

The critique:

Having now seen the video I make the following observations. There is a recurring pattern in the way leaders in the Christian church handle cases of domestic, sexual, and spiritual abuse. It is prevalent here in Australia and from what I've observed also in other places. This pattern includes a need on the leader's part to be seen to be showing grace. Unfortunately the grace is nearly always directed to the perpetrator, not the recipients of the abuse. 

There is the desire to move the situation towards a so called reconciliation, at any cost, and so to be done with it. Adequate time to assess the fruits of repentance in the perpetrator is seldom allowed, nor is adequate time given to the recipient of the abuse to be healed from the trauma and recover a sense of safety in the church. 

The third notable component is distortion of the context of abuse. "He only hit you once? Well, we know he was going through things at work that week. We all make mistakes. Your part is to forgive and reconcile." Key words become 'grace', 'forgive', 'reconciliation' and these are all put back on the victim as something he/she must produce, give, show. In a Christian/church context this would be fine if this is what grace, forgiveness and reconciliation were really about, but they are not. That's for another discussion. 

To turn to this particular video interview, all these pattern components are present. Words that are used over and over again are 'grace', or the incriminated pastor, saying his actions and words were 'ungodly, unwise, unhelpful." When he made certain derogatory remarks about women 'he wasn't himself'. Not once does either the interviewer or the incriminated pastor use the words 'abuse' or 'abusive'. It is the elephant in the room. 

The incriminated pastor's 'desire was good, he just got the message wrong."  Tears are shed when losing his former church is touched on, but no apparent connection to losing the church with his behaviour. The statement that God told him to resign from the church, (rather than undergo the discipline his church had requested), because 'a trap had been set' is the statement of a man who may be seeking repentance, but is a long way from attaining it. He had to leave the church because a trap had been set for him? Here the sense of being the victim in all this is exposed. 

Mention is made of contacting pastors he has criticized to apologise and writing letters to them, but no mention of a sense of the magnitude of his spiritual abuse towards the ordinary pew sitter, listener, watcher, reader in his field of influence, which was huge. For his part the interviewer asks some probing questions, but also asks about those who 'stood with you'.  The interviewer mentions he himself has a pretty big platform and wishes to give people a 'leg up onto my platform'. Bear in mind the incriminated pastor is a former megachurch pastor who has publicly spiritually abused the Bride of Christ over several years being interviewed by a popular megachurch pastor who himself has questions over his head about how he has responded to abuse allegations in his own church. The only woman given a voice here is the incriminated pastor's wife who is totally behind him in every statement he makes....after all she has a lot to lose. These facts in themselves should raise red flags for all of us in evaluating this video. 

The incriminated pastor makes a point of saying how angry he gets when 'men abuse women'. Again, another red flag. When a perpetrator gets angry at others for abuse without having recognised at the time of his anger that he was both influencing and condoning the same behaviour, again reveals a heart that may be on its way to repentance, but has a long way to go. 

Finally, on the question that has been raised about whether setting the terms of receiving an apology and reconciliation should be on 'our' own terms...if 'our' is talking about the part of the church that has been on the receiving end of spiritual abuse, whether it be by this incriminated pastor or some other spiritual leader, the answer is absolutely YES. We are not talking here about someone merely offending you at church. We are talking about sustained, systemic, damaging abuse. 

I do not believe there is anything in the gospels that indicates Jesus requires victims of abuse to reconcile to abusers on the abuser's terms. Conversely, he tells Judas, when he rebukes the woman pouring her ointment, to "Let her alone!". Grace? Yes, but the pattern we are seeing repeated in this video is not grace. Forgiveness? Yes, in time, as the victim heals. Reconciliation? Perhaps, but that will depend on the true fruits of repentance being evident in the abuser. Who is best placed to set the terms of such reconciliation? The one who has been abused. To force any other scenario on them is just piling more spiritual abuse on top of what has already been suffered. 

There are some serious issues here that need deep consideration by the whole Body of Christ. When will the pattern change?

This is so rich.  How many times have I been pushed to just forgive.  "Just forgive, Michawn.  You're going to just have to let go and move forward."

First of all, the behavior that is being forgiven has to be stopped before 'letting go' and 'moving forward' is even possible...which has not happened.  But also, 1) forgiveness happens in time, as the victim heals (so so true; and again, not even possible to start unless the behavior has stopped), and 2) it is all dependent on the true fruits of repentance being evident in the offender...because if the true fruits of repentance aren't there, the behavior continues...and that lands us back to my 'first of all' at the beginning of this paragraph.

About grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation, this author went on to say:

I have seen wide misunderstanding and misrepresentation of what true Biblical grace actually looks like. I do know it is not grace to support perpetrators of spiritual abuse NOT to confront and deal with the depth of their abuse [in other words, it is not a grace that lets perpetrators off the hook...it forces them to see the depth of their abuse and actions]. It is not true grace or true reconciliation when abuse victims are pressured into reconciling on the grounds that if they don't they are not showing grace or giving forgiveness. The misapplication of these authentic Biblical concepts continue to perpetuate the pattern of spiritual and other types of abuse in Christian churches.

I've written about this a lot, all throughout this blog series.  About the topic of forgiveness (see links in next paragraph)...about how others have pressured me into 'forgiving' when they don't even know what true forgiveness is and entails.  They promote a forgiveness theology that says "forgive quickly and don't ever bring it up again."  Doesn't matter if we're talking about someone accidentally stepping on your toe or someone who betrays, neglects, and slanders you for years causing major harm.  It's all treated the same.  You forgive quickly and don't ever bring it up again.  No discussion.  No 'lingering' on the matter.  It's done, it's over, move on.

That is what happened with Joel's family.  I wrote about what happened with them specifically and what true forgiveness really entails here and here (sidetone:  I love reading back over these blog posts and knowing that all along, Joel and his family were 'together' behind my back; betrayal...the gift that keeps on giving).  Joel's family discussed me for 2 ½ years with Joel and amongst themselves.  They all came up with lots of things that they thought about me...without ever talking to me.  They gave lots of advice to Joel (that he followed) that seriously damaged our marriage.  They said some really horrible things about me (and my family)...all speculation packaged in 'the Lord impressed upon me' type language...and all based on a certain belief system that believes certain very unhealthy things about a wife's role and how she matters not as much as the husband.

Yet, when the time came to try to work this all out, what they wanted...no, what they demanded...was that I 'forgive quickly and never bring it up again.'  I wanted to talk it out.  They refused.  It was always on their terms...even though they were the offenders.  Which very definitely pointed to what the true fruits of their repentance was...and that there was, in actuality, no fruit of repentance there at all.

Who is best placed to set the terms of reconciliation?  The one who has been wronged.

Sadly, Joel has also always blamed me for the absence of reconciliation with his family.  All along.  He never once stopped trying to pressure me into 'forgiving' his family...on their terms.  He always believed (and still believes) that I was wrong.  It was part of how he justified going behind my back and being in contact with them, being with them secretly, this whole time.  Because I was wrong.  I should have just 'forgiven quickly and never brought it up again.'  Nothing had been worked out or cleared up...they still believed the same things about me that they had believed for 2 ½ years...yet, just 'forgive quickly and never bring it up again.'  I have constantly been accused of being an unforgiving person...first by his family, and then by Joel this whole time.

Oh that Christians really knew the true meaning of grace, forgiveness, true repentance, and reconciliation.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 35 - A Letter to a 'Friend'}

I've mentioned others' responses to all of this before.  I've given examples here and there.  Today I'm going to share an email I sent back to one of these 'others' that I speak of.

His name has been changed here to protect his identity.  But, 'Donald' is just one of the many people who have responded with similar thoughts and words.  Donald has been a friend of mine since before I even knew Joel.  We were tight.

Donald knew Joel too...and he sent a message to Joel at the beginning of July after it came out that Joel had been continuing to lie to and betray me, and I chose to continue to be open about what was going on with us.  Donald's response to that is included in my email here.  Joel sent him an email that admitted that it wasn't a good idea for Donald to stick up for him right now...that he really had 'betrayed me in many ways over and over the past few years.'  And 'encouraging him to apologize' to me.  Donald sent an email to me saying that he was sorry for talking about me to Joel.  He asked me to forgive him and said it wouldn't happen again.

I appreciated that.  But, these things also needed to be said.  I pray that it made him think...and I pray that it will make some of you who think like him really ponder what you are doing.  

donald, this is michawn.  you said this…

~"Hello Joel, this is Donald.  I had read part of a post of Michawn's a while back, and I commented and told her it was weird to post stuff like that.  Then today I just read a post of hers.  Honestly she sounds like she's lost her mind completely.  I am really sorry you are having to go through this.  I wish Michawn could keep her mouth shut and stop self destructing and alienating herself.  I will pray for you daily, I am so sorry.  You are probably a saint for staying married to her.”~

and this (after joel simply said that things were very difficult and that he shouldn't have lied and done things behind my back)…

~"Don't kick yourself Joel, Satan is the "accuser of the brethren".  You and I are both just sinners that are forgiven and washed white as snow, clothed in His righteousness.  Lucky for me, my wife isn't bashing me and my family to all our friends.  As far as the way you get treated I don't care if you've been cheating on Michawn all along, it doesn't make anything she does any less rotten.  You are such a good guy and I have all kinds of respect for you.  It seems glaringly obvious that Michawn is eaten up with self righteousness and bitterness, and she wants you to divorce her so she can be "vindicated" so to speak by religious people.  One thing is certain though, even if your own family and Christian friends tell you to divorce Michawn, they have no idea the pain it will cause.  So I want to encourage you to simply do your best to do what's right.  In the long run, you will be very happy you did.  I always remember those cool MTN bike rides when you'd school me on a junk bike, and then we'd have a great prayer time.  You have an amazing relationship with The Lord, and no matter how lousy things seem he hasn't gone anywhere.”~

you might be thinking to yourself right now, ‘why is she doing this?  this just proves my point further.  i said i was sorry.  she needs to just get over it.’  

the problem with that way of thinking is that it doesn’t actually tackle the problems at the root.  it doesn’t actually address the reasons you were wrong for doing what you did in the first place.  just saying you’re sorry and sweeping it all under the rug doesn’t address those beliefs that you have, those root/core beliefs, that directs you in such a misguided way.  

you mention memories of joel.  you mention what fun you guys had, the special times.  you mention his amazing relationship with God…present tense.  you mention that he is such a good guy…present tense.  even though you’ve spent no real time with him in over a decade.  

what do you say about me?  that it sounds like i’ve lost my mind completely.  that you wish i would just keep my mouth shut.  that i’m self-destructing.  that i’m alienating myself.  that to stay married to me would require a sainthood.  there is more about me that you mention that you have accepted as truth, but i think you get the picture.  

it’s interesting to me…why no memories of me, donald?  why not remember who *i* am?  you know…that girl that you liked to hang out with because she was cool…because it was basically like having another fun dude around.  the one you did things with like wakeboarding.  the one you didn’t mind just asking to go somewhere because you knew it wouldn’t get weird…we could just be good friends.  the one you told pretty private things to…because you said it was easy to talk to me.  the one who, when you had a wedding to go to in dallas, you knew i could ride along and just be fun for the day.  easy breezy.  

if i seem different, donald…why would that not be a red flag for you?  why would that not concern you and make you want to reach out to me instead of bashing me into the ground?  why would that make you stop being a friend to me?  

donald, i don’t really use touchy feely language.  don’t get hyper emotional.  don’t take things too personally or make mountains out of molehills.  i am still *that* girl.  

but, if i did use touchy feely language, i would say that your reaction to all of this has…hurt me.  it’s hurt me badly.  

sadly, your reaction to all of this is status quo.  it’s the way counselors react, it’s the way pastors react.  it’s just…the reaction. 

it damages. 

it doesn’t matter who the wife is in the situation.  it doesn’t matter what she’s like.  it doesn’t matter if she’s a person who has never overreacted in her life.  it doesn’t matter if she actually always makes molehills out of mountains instead of the other way around.  none of that matters.  she will be accused of all of those things in every meeting and every counseling session.  doesn’t matter what *proof* she has of what she is saying…she is the one who will go down.

no matter who she is, she will be made out to be crazy, to be hyper-emotional, to be a trouble-maker, to have ‘lost her mind completely,’ and all kinds of other things.  

the husband will be made out to be a saint for staying with her.

why would you automatically assume that joel is innocent and i’m to blame?  why?  you knew us *both,* donald?  you loved us *both.*  

sadly, this is what ‘friends’ and the ‘church’ do to women who are being sinned against in a marriage.  they beat them down even more…until all they can do is leave and stay quiet (because when they talk, they are only accused of more).

a friend of mine calls it ‘the man code.’  it’s funny…even on the things that joel has admitted, instead of being held accountable and walked through natural consequences that come with those things, he has been praised for his ‘honesty’ and admired for accepting his failures.  believe me…he has never been ‘accused’ by anyone.  doesn’t matter if they have all the proof in the world and he’s admitting it.  

i’ve done nothing wrong.  i’m not crazy.  i’m not bitter.  i’m not alienating myself.  

but…i will not leave and keep quiet.  not only is what joel has done wrong…these reactions are wrong.  reactions like yours.  reactions that, without even any questioning, accuse and bash the wife.  

if your *only* beef with me is that i went public…well, if men in the man code, the church, our ‘friends' had actually held him accountable for what he’s done and mentored him towards right things in the first place, we would not be in this position.  had someone…*any*one...come to my rescue, i would not have been forced into that position in order to save myself.  

that could have been you, donald.  instead, you chose to believe the lies of the enemy and assume those things about me and bash me…someone you knew, someone you loved, someone you called friend.  

you could have done that, not only for my sake, but for joel’s sake too.  

you chose differently.

you say you were wrong to talk about me in your conversation to joel.  you said you’re sorry and that you won’t do it again.  

sadly, that’s not the root problem here.  sadly, the problem is that you believed the things you were saying in the first place.  

This was written the first weekend of July.  At this present time, I still have gotten no response to this email I sent him.  Again, I pray that it at least made him think about his perspective and the reasons behind his actions (reactions).  And I pray that any of you who have the same inclinations will really listen to what the above email says, examine yourselves, and realize the error of your ways.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 34 - Comp to Egal Marriage Video, True Colors, My Babies}

I'm posting more regularly this week.  I posted yesterday too...so if you missed it, or any of the posts from the past few days, check them out.  I got a message just this morning saying what an eye-opener yesterday's post was.  So...don't miss out on something that might help you.  

Today I am going to just share three things really quickly...again that I shared on Facebook in the past week.  The first is a really eye-opening and educational video.  The second is something that needed to be shared in response to others' responses.  And the third...the bottom line is that I have some out-of-this-world children.  They are amazing.  And I'm so grateful for them.  

So...let's get started.

I posted the video above on Facebook last week with the following words:

i listened to this a few months ago. listening again tonight. crying all the way through it again. soooo much i relate to. soooo much like us. praying for this kind of revelation, the kind they had...in our marriage...and for all couples.

There are so many things that are so much like us here.  She has giftings that don't just fall into the 'following/support' giftings.  He is a leader, but doesn't have the giftings/personality that falls into the typical patriarchal type leader.  And patriarchy is what complementarianism, even in its most mainstream form, promotes.

He was leading...and doing that the only way he knew how.  She was trying to follow along...even when it was killing her.

Thankfully, he saw 'that horrified look on her face' (you'll hear that part in their story).  Thankfully, he saw and felt like he couldn't keep doing that to her.  Thankfully, as time went on, he saw what the lifestyle they were living was doing to her and to their marriage...and he stopped.  Joel has never done that.  Joel, and his counsel, just continue to see it as a failure on my part...a failure to be the 'biblical woman' God creates us to be.  A failure on my part to follow.  I let satan in, they say.

Please watch this.  It is very very eye-opening.

I posted this picture with these words:

this is so very true.

if joel should ever really actually finally see this all for what it is and the blinders be removed...if that happens and he starts to say the same things i've been saying for years now...all of you people who were supposed to be *for* me who haven't been...all of you family and friends who, for instance, only 'like' something i post after joel 'likes' it...you have shown your true colors already.

you've shown them all along. but esp. in the past 3 1/2 years. and of that, many of you *esp.* in these past 3 weeks (ohhh, how you've shown your colors). you've not only shown them, but some of you have put your colors on display as if raising them up on a flagpole.

you made your choice. so...if Joel ever comes around to the truth...it's too late for you.

**you should have believed *me*...not waited for joel to say it.**

again, there are people in everyone's life...family and close friends...who are *supposed* to be *for* them. no matter what. *even* if they're in the wrong (which...i'm *not,* but even if they are). *even* if you don't agree. waaaaay too many of you were not/are not *for* me. you've raised those flags of your true colors, even if only by remaining silent. and i've seen them. so you can stop taking your cues from joel and *then* 'supporting' me. that's not support. won't work. too late. you can stop thinking that if/when this ever 'blows over,' things will be back to normal with us. they won't.

i don't hold grudges. but, when i see true colors like you've shown, i know what i need to do. i resolve to protect myself and my kids from you and your harmful, very wrong ways. ‪#‎notbackingdown‬ ‪#‎resolve‬ ‪#‎imteachingthembravery‬ ‪#‎imteachingthemunconditionallove‬ ‪#‎imteachingthemconflictresolution‬ ‪#‎imteachingthemtofightagainstinjustice‬ ‪#‎imteachingthemwhatfamilyreallyis‬ ‪#‎imteachingthemwhatatruefriendis‬

Truly...if there has been a pattern of you doubting me or opposing me in my life, no matter what (for instance, even if 1>you haven't even asked me about the situation, 2>you choose to not get the full story by asking and trying to understand, or 3>regardless of the facts and proof you are presented with that clearly show that opposing me would be wrong yet you still choose to do so), then it's just time to part ways.  If you do more damage in my life than good, that is the only option.  There's nothing unbiblical about that.  It's not a forgiveness issue, it's not a lack of grace.  In fact, it's actually the biblical thing to do.  If you don't agree with that, you need to read your Bible again.

Now...my kids...

Ahhhh...the bright lights in all of this.  The people who love and support and really do see truth (I mean, they are here...they see it...they know).

I posted this picture (you can click on it to enlarge it) with the following words the other day:

i really do have *the* most incredible kids. really. they have *all* shown such love and care to me through all of this, always...each in their own way.

one of them today came to my room where i was eating a bit of lunch and said she had brought me a little encouragement. she had made me this bracelet! y'all. !!  (insert lots of hearts here) ;)  

 my kids were already awesome. but, when i see how they've grown through all of this, i'm just in awe. *this* is how you care for others. they know.

this is a quote from my famous friend (or she will be if she keeps saying things like this). my children just completely embody this...

"We have been invited into the fellowship of the suffering so God can grow our mercy and compassion and help us grow brave about speaking up against injustice on the behalf of others." -- Ali Elam

so proud of them and who they are. so grateful for them. ‪#‎inlove

They are truly the most beautiful people I know.  

There is so much more to share.  I will continue to post information regularly.  It is helpful to me...but, I've heard from so many of you that it is helping you too.  So many of you relate.  I'm so so glad it is helpful.  That is the point.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 33 - Couples Counseling Not Recommended}

Keeping it relatively short tonight.  Will post again probably tomorrow.  Just some stuff I posted on Facebook in the past week (with some extra discussion below) that I want to post here.

I posted this a week ago with this link about how typical couples counseling isn't recommended when there is any type of abuse going on:

a friend sent me this link last night. unbelievable. i asked her if these people had been following me for the past few years...that's how spot on it is.

"Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can’t accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn’t respect the other and strives to avoid equality. You can’t take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe — because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in achieving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you."

 These are some small excerpts that particularly grabbed me from that link...

"...many Christians believe that its sole goal is the full restoration of the marriage. Instead, the rightful primary goal of therapy is the genuine safety and emotional well-being of those who have been victimized, and only secondarily the transformation and potential restoration of the abuser."

"Unless there has been deep heart change, any apparent outward "progress" will not likely be sustained. The behavior will sprout up again like a weed that has been lopped off at soil surface and not carefully extracted at the root level. This is part of the cycle of abuse. If the wife allows her husband to come back to the family home based on his promises to do better without lengthy and solid proof of inner change, it may be nearly impossible to get him to leave again if the abusive attitudes and behaviors come back."

"Even if the wife is not fooled, it is too easy for the husband to fake his maturity or progress in front of the counselor. Either he can persuade the counselor that he wasn't really the problem in the first place or that he has sufficiently changed."  In the link it gives a scenario where the husband might intimidate the wife beforehand and convince her not to speak out about what is really going on.  That has never happened with us...Joel doesn't engage in that kind of abuse.  But, he wouldn't need to anyway...because the counselors have all believed him at his word...and not believed me when I insisted that yes, he was (is) the problem and that no, there had not been any progress whatsoever.  They just didn't believe me, which goes back to the issues of male bias, gaslighting, the shared responsibility lie, and the just really scary complementarianism theology.  Also, another factor, as I shared with someone the other day...Joel started talking to others about all of this, and me, from day one (starting in January 2012).  But of course the things he was saying were things like ‘she’s depressed’ ‘she’s not herself...there’s something wrong with her,' etc.  So...many people had been hearing for over a year or 2 that I wasn’t ‘believable’ because of my ‘altered state.’  So many people doubted me by the time I actually started talking about it (August 2014).  I had already been discredited over and over...by my very charming and very 'concerned' husband who 'only had my best interest at heart.'  I mean, with that being the case (smh), why wouldn't they believe him?  And why wouldn't I be discredited in their eyes?

"The counselor may attempt to establish rapport with empathy for the husband's concerns and complaints. If he accepts these as a contributing factor to the abuse, he may inadvertently tip the already unhealthy imbalance of power even further in the husband's direction. The counselor may also encourage a reinforcement of traditional gender roles so that the husband will "man up" and decide to protect his wife and children. In an abusive marriage, this can be wrongfully interpreted as a sanction to exert even more authoritarian control. That's like putting the fox in charge of the hen house."

"Then too, the abused wife is often pressured by the counselor to forgive and forget. She is warned to never consider divorce because that is supposedly a cardinal sin. It's all on her if this doesn't work out, because her husband is obviously "trying to do right" by coming to counseling. She must be just a bitter wife who isn't willing to work on her problems, right?"

"The wife may be accused of tempting her husband toward adultery if she refuses marital intimacy due to lack of trust. If she has insisted on him moving out, she may be criticized for "kicking him out." She may be grilled as to how she provoked the abuse through her inadequacies, and chided for being disrespectful of her husband's leadership in the family. The assumption is that if she would just show more respect, he would naturally love her more and not abuse her. Unfortunately, in these cases, an attempt to show "respect" to her husband may serve to validate his craving for power and enable more mistreatment. And, as her husband hears this inquisition of his wife by the counselor, he has that much more to hold against her and over her."

"The counselor may also sense that the wife is depressed and assume that this is either the cause of the marital problems or that her depression is twisting her perceptions about what has happened. Could it be that she is actually depressed because she's in a horrible marriage, rather than the other way around? Or it could be true that she is just *very tired and burned out* (emphasis mine) because she has exerted herculean emotional and physical effort to make tough choices about boundaries, whether he still lives in the home or not. This stress takes a huge toll on a woman's body and soul. On top of that, now she is made to feel guilty for not being "joyful in all circumstances." Instead of the relief and affirmation she so desperately needs, she gets piled on with more burdens and accusations. What is worse is that in a couples counseling session, the husband picks up on this theme and uses it as leverage to make his wife feel even more incapable of dealing with "her problems." One more bomb for his arsenal..."

"If the wife is savvy enough to catch onto and protest about anything inappropriate in the counseling session, the penalty for her resistance may be condescension from the counselor, who has a vested interest in protecting his professional reputation. If she shows visible distress or raises her voice, she may be seen as irrational or too emotional, and told to calm down. Her mental stability is then in question, which may make the counselor doubt what she shares. The husband can then smile and nod his head in agreement with the counselor. See what he has to put up with? No wonder he gets so frustrated at her! Never mind that he might have been subtly baiting her and pushing her secret emotional buttons so that she would lose it in front of the counselor."

Is this hitting home with anyone else?  There's so much more good stuff in the link...and lots of suggestions as to what to do and what counselors can be aware of to help these specific cases.

I couldn't believe these examples, of my reality, written write there for me to see...yet I wasn't even the one who wrote it.  Just. Spot. On.

Please...if these things have happened to you, know that we are obviously not alone.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 32 - Plowing, Simplifying, The Gerasene Man, and Wounded Soldier}

Before we get started, let me just say that yesterday was a super hard day.  We'll take 1/2 of a baby step forward and then about 10 giant leaps backwards.  That is the trend.

Example:  Yesterday Joel told me that he had applied for a job.  This is a job that we had discussed before and I was not on board.  He applied anyway.  He says that if he gets offered the job, he is going to take it...he doesn't care if I'm on board or not.

That just doesn't sound like what a marriage should be, does it?  That's not how marriage works.

But this is what I've been dealing with on the daily since January 2012.  This is what it's been like.  He just keeps moving, just keeps going...plowing over his wife and children.

And that has been the counsel he's gotten too...to just keep going and making the decisions, regardless of how I feel about it.  He is, after all, 'the head.'

You guys, no.  That's not right.  What it actually says is "Submit to one another in love."  Joel hasn't done that in years.

Yet...I'm the one who gets blamed.  And he's 'a saint for staying married to' me.  

The people who think that and see it that way...so messed up.  Their belief systems doom them to living unbiblically and in an anti-Jesus way.  Again..."submit to one another in love."  When one is down, you reach down to pick them up.  When one is hurting, you stop and nurse them back to health.  When you both aren't on board for something, you pause and wait until you reach an agreement.  It's a partnership.  You're a team.

Submit to one another in love.

But no...hasn't been that way here in years.  Just wanted to illustrate to you just what I'm dealing with here...just what it's like...and give you a picture of just how hard it is.  And has been...for years.  Now...moving on...

First, just a couple of quotes that are so relevant.

"Everything is more complicated than you realize and the only way you 'get' that is through experience."

"Onlookers try to simplify and coach when they don't even understand what it's like."

If you've never experienced something like what I'm going through, it's amazingly complex.  We still have people who suggest things like 'have you tried reading The 5 Love Languages?'  And while they are well-meaning, it's just so incredibly MUCH more complex than that.  Like, wow.

One friend said, "You can not possibly understand another person's circumstances until you've been there! This is why passing judgement on anyone is not right."

It's again where empathy has to come into play.  Empathy...not sympathy.  If you don't have empathy as a part of your life, you need to get it.  Or, if you just can't come up with it in your life...stay away from hurting people.  Period.

Now for a few things that I've posted on Facebook...

I posted this a few days ago with this link.

i hesitate to even share this. why? oh, because i have been falsely accused of having mental disorders these past few years. there *is* a stigma surrounding mental illness...but, that's not why i refute having one (or a few...i've been accused of several). i refute having mental illness *because i don't have one!* lol. (truly. the people who have accused me of these are not 'professionals' anyway and are just grabbing at straws.)

but...i do want to share this. because knowing about mental illness *is* important. but, also...everything that is said about mental illness in this article/written sermon can also be said about *any* challenge you feel stuck in and *anything* you are faced with that is out of your control.

my situation is not an internal one...it is very much external. it is very much circumstantial. do those things affect you internally after a certain point? for me, yes...but not in the form of a mental illness. people say, 'well, you alone are responsible for you'...as if i'm not literally yoked to another human being.  :)  so, barring unyoking myself (which believe me, some have suggested i do...and is definitely a possibility...and is one of the reasons why we actually separated last summer), yes...i'm stuck in this external situation. these things that are happening are not at my hand or up to me. i have no control over what someone else does. 'well you have control over how you react'...yes...and i've done nothing wrong in how i have reacted.

this article brings up lots of great points. first of all, she describes how 'off' and 'not herself' she feels after traveling. to that i definitely relate and say that if she felt that 'off' after just a short-term trip with only herself to be responsible for, you can imagine how 'off' and 'not myself' i felt after *living* that way, in a complete gypsy lifestyle, completely unstable, for *years*...and with 4 little ones to boot. that. was. my. life.

no wonder i needed a break. a break i never got. a break i still haven't gotten.

she says after a week of recovery, "But all week long, I had the luxury of knowing – it’s going to get better in a few more days. I’m not acting like myself, I’m not thinking like myself, and I’m not feeling like myself, but after a few more days, I’m going to be back to myself again.

"And then I thought about all the people who don’t have the luxury of knowing if or when or how things will possibly get better. When the thought of feeling 'like themselves' seems completely unattainable."

in my situation (in 2012 anyway), feeling like myself again *was* attainable...but it wasn't allowed. it's still attainable...but the damage that has been done since 2012 is extremely extensive.

she talks about the gerasene man who had demons (luke 8:26-39). she says, "This man is trapped by a situation over which he seems to have no control, he is ostracized from his community, and when Jesus asks his name, we learn that he has no identity outside of these demons. They define how he spends his day, how he responds to others, and even how he names himself."

it does define you. and how you spend your day. how you respond and the plans you make. stay in a situation long enough...and that situation becomes your life. not because you are weak, not because 'you just need to focus on other things'...but because that is reality. why try to pretend it away? instead, it needs to be called what it is and dealt with. Jesus knew this...thankfully this man had Jesus Himself to come and listen to what was defining his life and *believe him* and deal with it for him...free him from the *very real* problem that was plaguing him.

he was trapped. he was ostracized. not unlike what happens today...what has happened to me, and what happens to so many others who face hardships. another quote:

"If someone in our congregation goes to the hospital, has cancer, or needs surgery, the meal train usually can’t be made fast enough. If someone in our congregation has a mental health diagnosis, needs therapy or hospitalization or treatment, we don’t make them casseroles. More often than not, we don’t even talk about it. And with the stigma associated with mental health issues, even today, most of these people remain isolated, going through the experience completely on their own."

true of mental illness. but, also true of many other things that could be inserted in that very paragraph...marital problems, or any other issue that is 'just not talked about,' even when the person experiencing it *wants* to talk about it. those people remain isolated...and go through the experience completely on their own.

why do i talk about it? why do i refuse to be silent? many reasons, but this is one: "The problem is, when you and I aren’t willing to name our challenges, they trap us in and shut us off from the hope of resurrection. When we tend to hide or not talk about mental health challenges, or *any sort of challenges we’re facing,* that’s what leads to shame, and stigma, and isolation. But I love what Brene Brown, a social work professor and author in Houston, says about shame. She says that shame can’t have words around it. When we’re brave enough to name whatever demons we are facing, they suddenly don’t have the power over us that they once had. ...Friends, we’ve got to find a way to muster up the courage to name our demons, just as Jesus did, and just as Jesus can empower us to do. And we can’t name them if we’re not brave enough to talk about them. That may not mean that they immediately leave us. That may not mean they ever leave us. But I firmly believe that the God-given courage to name our challenges breaks down the shame that tries to keep us locked inside ourselves."

i love that Jesus saved the gerasene man. i love that Jesus not only saved him, but Jesus crossed boundaries into a place no 'self-respecting jewish rabbi' would ever go to save him.

not only that, but Jesus used the gerasene man mightily because of his experience. this man was commissioned by Jesus Himself to share the Good News...even before the disciples were.

"Perhaps the first step to crossing boundaries is talking...Being brave enough to voice and name the challenges we face. Providing a safe, non-judgmental space for others to share their stories with us, and for them to know that they are loved, heard, and cared for in this place.

"Unfortunately, in today’s text, the community around the man isn’t able to respond in this way. In fact, they actually ask Jesus to leave them, the text says, because they are seized with great fear.

"And it is the un-named man, the man whom people call the Gerasene Demoniac, who Jesus sends off to declare what God has done for him. Ironically, he is the first person in Luke’s gospel whom Jesus empowers to share the good news. Even the disciples, up until this point, have not yet been sent out."

there is purpose in suffering. suffering in our own lives...and there is purpose for us in the suffering that we see around us. but, in order for those purposes to come to fruition, we have to be honest in our own suffering. and, when others are suffering around us, we have to be willing to hear their honesty, believe them, and walk with them in it without judgment.

I am so praying for Jesus to come Himself or for someone acting on His behalf to come and to save me in this situation that is out of my control.  Thank you for your prayers, too.

I also posted a beautiful song.  A cousin of mine commented, "Michawn, this is you and you will rise."  Amen.  Don't have any idea what my life will look like or if I will be married or single again when I rise...but I will rise.

Wounded soldier on the ground, 

Broken, bleeding, beaten down, 

Feeling defeated, feeling not needed, 

Alone, abandoned on the battleground! 

Wounded soldier, faithful friend, 

Beaten down by those you defend, 

Your heart once open, now pierced and broken, 

Needing hope to rise again!

Let me bind up ev'ry wound 

Let me comfort ev'ry pain 

Let me carry you to a place of rest, 

Shelter from pouring rain 

Let me hold you! I can be right where you are! 

Let me hold you in the shelter of my heart! 

When you're weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far, 

Just remember I am with you faithfully guarding your heart!

While the battle rages on I will hold you through the night, 

In the shadow of the cross I'll be your Champion; fight your fight! 

Let me hold you! I can be right where you are! 

Let me hold you in the shelter of my heart!

Wounded soldier, you'll rise again! 

You can trust me. I always win! 

When you face harshness or total darkness, 

I'm ever watching, faithful to defend! 

Wounded soldier, faithful one, 

When you're fallen I'll help you run! 

With ev'ry testing I'll bring you resting 

And say to you, "My child, well done!"

Let me bind up ev'ry wound 

Let me comfort ev'ry pain 

Let me carry you to a place of rest, 

Shelter from pouring rain 

Let me hold you! I can be right where you are! 

Let me hold you in the shelter of my heart! 

When you're weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far, 

Just remember I am with you faithfully guarding your heart!

When you feel you can't go on, you be weak and I'll be strong 

With the power of my strongest love from my heart's deepest song! 

Let me hold you! I can be right where you are! 

Let me hold you in the shelter of my heart!