Joel. Michawn. {Part 1 - It's Time to Share}

This is hard to post.  Not because of any of the normal feelings that surround this sort of thing.  No shame, no embarrassment.  But, it's just risky.  It's always risky to put yourself out there.  You never know what people are going to think, or say, or come up with about you (many times, just complete misconceptions about you...and that's hard).  But, with something like this, it's esp. risky...and esp. in our 'line of work' (should it be that way?...maybe not...but, it just is.).  Plus, I just hate to post it...again, not because of shame or embarrassment or anything like that...but just because I honestly hate that this is part of our story.  But, we pray that this all will be used for our good...and that it will be an encouragement to others. 

It was also hard to decide whether it was time to do all of this...to share...to post.  Some of you might think that it's not.  Some of you might think that we should never post such things, ever.  But, the truth is that a few events have led us to believe that it's time to share.  I would much rather people just know the truth, out of my very own mouth, rather than speculate.  So, here we are...sharing.

[First of all, I'd like to fill you in on us as far as *missions.*  Joel continues to work for Asas de Socorro, our mission organization, from here.  We love them.  We still hope to someday, as soon as is possible, be able to go back to Brazil and work with them there in person.  But, until that time, Joel continues to serve them in a remote role, working several hours with them each day/week here (he also works as a pilot/mechanic locally in order for us to make ends meet, as our support has understandably gone down since coming back to the states...a special thank you to those of you who have held on with us through this journey in a non-foreign land).  So, that's us as far as missions...still plugging away...but still hoping to return to do missions non-remotely as soon as we can.  Read on to be encouraged in the progress being made so that that can be sooner rather than later.]

You all know that I've always been a super honest person.  You can read my blog in general, but also most recently, my accounts of my latest miscarriage, really shows that I'm pretty much an open book.  The only time I'm not able to be an open book is when whatever I'm wanting to be open about concerns others too. 

Therefore, for the past few YEARS, I haven't been able to be completely open.  Sure, we've mentioned a thing or two in our newsletters, so it's not like it's just completely unknown.  And...we're still in the states, so people know that something must be up.  But, to just be able to share openly...I haven't been able to.

That's so hard for me.  To not be able to.  I'm a sharer.  But, when you're going through some really hard things, and there's no end in sight...1) there's really nothing to share, unless you want to just sound like you're complaining all the time (nobody enjoys a constant visit from Debbie Downer) and 2) you have to focus all your energy on survival anyway...so you literally have nothing left in you with which to share (or answer questions or have conversations)...because you are literally just exhausted...always.

So, when interacting with others or when doing anything publicly (for instance, posting on Facebook), you just act like that hard part of your life is not happening...not because you are fake or because you want to live a lie.  But, just because you can't do it any other way.  And...there is nothing to tell yet.  But...you hope and pray that things will change...and that there will be something to tell one day.

Praise the Lord, that day has come!!  :)

This is the story of how 'Joel and Michawn,' of the Joel and Michawn Story, came to be 'Joel. Michawn.'  In other words, there was no 'and.'  We were no longer a team.  We were no longer one.  There was Joel.  And there was Michawn.  And we were far, far apart.

Here's the super condensed version: 

We had a super terrific marriage for the first 9 years...so in sync, so in step with each other.  Perfect team, best friends, etc. etc.  All the good things.  It really seemed as close to perfect as you can get.

We had a pretty good marriage for 2 years after that. 

Then the 2 1/2 years after that...basically like hell on earth. 

Obviously compared to some people's lives...where there is literal starvation, torture, sex slavery, war, etc. etc....it was not like hell on earth.  Please do know that I know how to keep my perspective.  But, compared to the first 11 years of our marriage, and compared to what we both knew that God wants and has for marriage (and the things that we felt we were supposed to be doing in our own lives personally)...for us, it was the closest thing to hell on earth. 

As one of our counselors put it, we just experienced 'level 10 trauma' after 'level 10 trauma' for a few years there.  Add on to that some major marital issues that developed...it really, really took its toll. 

It finally resulted in Joel moving out this past mid-May.  Yes...we lived separately.  On purpose.  Not job-related. 

Let me just pause here to say...in future posts, I will go into more detail about the traumas and marital issues that we experienced.  Not right now though.  But, I did want to let you know that it had nothing to do with any '3rd parties' or any sexual sin whatsoever...just so you know that.  Those are common causes to marriage breakdowns, so it is very understandable that that is where our minds tend to go first in wondering what went wrong.  But, I just wanted to assure you that those were not the issues in our case.  As I said though, we'll talk more about some of the specifics later.

But, truly miraculous things started happening in the wee hours of Labor Day, 3 1/2 months after Joel moved out. 

Things that the HOLY SPIRIT alone could do.  Blinders that were removed, true and deep understanding that had been completely nonexistent for literally years...just came.  Just appeared.  Just like that. 

The work began.  And Joel moved back with his family. 

There has been LOTS of damage done.  Lots.  Sadly.  But, we are doing it.  It is really hard.  Not every single minute of every single day.  We have our good times.  And we're so very thankful to have made the progress that we have.  But, it's hard.  Because of the damage done, there are just things that come up, and will continue to come up, to work through...and that will just take time.  But, so far, we are just taking it step by step...and learning as we go...so something like this NEVER ever ever happens again.

Back to the subject of sharing this news...

I had actually written out a newsletter that I wanted to send out when Joel moved out (I might share it at some point).  I wrote it before he moved out and planned to send it a few days after he left.  But...then I told a trusted friend our news, that Joel was moving out.  And I literally spent the next few days consoling her and answering questions and helping her to understand and assuring her that everything would be ok.  Truly?...it was exhausting.  And I knew after that experience that there was no way I had the energy to do that with literally hundreds of others.  So, we decided to save it for later...and to just focus on the task at hand. 

But, since Labor Day when it all began to turn the course toward healing (finally...2 1/2 years can be a very very long time), I wondered when it might happen that we would feel the release to share.  I wanted to do it then...but just didn't feel the release or peace to share. 

Enter our sweet, sweet babies.  :)  Something came up recently in a conversation during school.  They told me how they had been asking for prayer requests at church in their classes 'for our family to get all better,' etc.  I love their little hearts and how honest they are and how open they are.  I never want to discourage that.  And I never want to discourage them from going to God and His people when they have a burden to bear.  Apparently, they thought it was time to share.  They've never been in the dark about anything...we've been honest with them about it all (on their level, which is very high...people sometimes underestimate children, but if you explain it well, they get it).  But, they've chosen only recently to really ask for prayer.  They see the road to healing...they see that it's incredibly wonderful to finally be on that road...and they also see that it's hard.  They are here...they know. 

So, our kiddos have let us know that it's time.  Perfect really...they were another reason we were being silent on the whole matter.  But, they're ready.  And so are we.  Plus a few other things have just made it clear that it was time to share.  So, here it is...all laid out for you. 

So, what now?  Now that you know, just continue to pray for us.  The miracle that happened on Labor Day was just the beginning.  And that was less than 2 months ago.  We are far from out of the woods here.  We are still healing.  We are still becoming one again and becoming a team again.  Things still come up, almost daily, that are hurtful and damaging and stressful, and that have to be worked through.  But, I can tell you that we are literally 180 degrees from where we were before.  Truly, truly miraculous.  So, just continue to pray if you will.

And, hopefully some of you will be encouraged.  It's been a looong road.  Some of you are on the same kind of road.  For some of you, it's even been way longer.  You have been waiting for your 'Labor Day Miracle' for a very long time.  Just be encouraged.  Look to Him...*wait on Him*...He will direct you.  He will sustain you.  He will.

I'll continue to talk about this.  I'll share...because now I can.  We're still on the road ourselves, so who knows...it might look sloppy at times.  Grace, grace...we pray for it from God...we pray for it from you.  But in time I will tell more of our story and how we got here, I'll talk more about what it was like.  I'll share some of the things we are learning.  And please...feel free to share your story here too, even if you want to do it anonymously, and we can pray for you too. 

Thank you for being supportive.  And thank you for your prayers and love. 

Until next time...

This Is a Miscarriage - Follow-Up 2: Celebrating (the final chapter)

February 6th.  That was my last miscarriage post...almost 5 months ago. 

**(I wrote this post a few days ago, but had to figure out a way to share the video and that took a while.  It was still June when I wrote it.  I'm not changing the wording, so just keep that in mind when reading it...that it was written in June).**

When I last wrote, I was only about 2 weeks into the miscarriage process.  You can read the post from Feb. 6th here. 

I had gone back to my midwife for a check-up.  Most everything had passed we thought...but then the ultrasound showed that there was still some more to happen.  My uterus wasn't quite back to pre-pregnancy state just yet. 

I went back in March for a check-up and ultrasound.  It still wasn't back to pre-pregnancy state.  I still hadn't had a visit from Aunt Flo.  So, we just continued to be patient and monitor. 

Finally, the very last few days of April/first few days of May, Aunt Flo came to see me.  I had the miscarriage at the end of January.  3 months later (!), finally Aunt Flo returned.  I had another check-up and ultrasound mid-May.  And everything was back to normal.  I also had my first pap smear since May 2012 (had one done right before we left Brazil)...all normal. 

So, yes...I may not have updated here since February.  But, that was because it all just got resolved only *last month.* 

I'm very thankful that all has been resolved.  Now...it's time for more of life to get back to normal.  I'm working on it.  More on that at another time though.

So that's the update on the physical.  It was a drawn-out process.  But, it's over.  Emotionally, regarding the miscarriage...it's one of those things that just will always be sad.  You think of those babies from time to time.  Not always...but sometimes.  I think of my first miscarriage and think, that kiddo would be turning 11 next month.  I think of my second miscarriage and think, I would have a 2 1/2 year old.  This miscarriage is still new...I would be 34 weeks pregnant now.  6 weeks away from meeting the new little Ebersole. 

Those thoughts do come.  When I'm watching a TV show and a character says his birthday is August 11th (what my due date was).  When I go to the store and see the cashier who is visibly round and pregnant and says her due date is in August.  All of the special people in my life who are pregnant...and I could have been pregnant with them.  When I glance over and see the Christmas gifts we had gotten for the new little Ebersole.  All just little twinges in my heart. 

But, it happens.  Miscarriages happen.  For many different reasons.  It's one of those things that you just live through.  And, the goal is to live through things like that well.  Hard things come.  *Really* hard things.  You get through them.  And they do make you stronger.  And wiser.  And more grateful.  And more gracious.  And you live.  You live on. 

Although I was almost to my 2nd trimester when the miscarriage happened, I had still never had a chance to post pictures or video or tell how we broke the news and celebrated the news of this little life.  You hadn't gotten the chance to celebrate with us fully, through these pictures and video.  So today?  Today we celebrate!!  :) 

Enjoy!!

The first pregnancy test.  Taken Dec. 7th.
(remember you can click on any picture to make it bigger)

All dressed up for the Christmas Gala...had to take a picture, even if it was just in Wal-Mart.  ;) 
The poinsettias were pretty.
But, of course, all that day and night...I knew something. 
Nobody else knew (except Joel), but life was forming inside of me. 

Pregnancy test #2.  Because you can't just take 1.  ;)
The first test I had had for a while.  And although
you're more likely to get a false negative than a false
positive, I wanted to make sure.  "Pregnant"

I took pictures right away...complete with sleepyface and bedhead.

Later I went back and had a little photo shoot with my pregnancy
test stick, showing all the different emotions I was feeling. 
LOL, this collage cracks me up.  Soooo funny...and special. 
Love it.

This scene always made me laugh.  But, I add it here because it's sooo typical.
All the ladies know that pregnancy symptoms and menstrual symptoms
are really so very similar...breast tenderness, bloated feeling, etc.
Before I took the first test on Saturday, that Thursday
I had taken that tampon in the bathroom with me...because I just knew I had,
or was about to, start.  Two days later and still nothing...I took the test.
Then another test.  So, this scene was funny to me.  Yay for not having
to use the tampon.  ;)

Because my pregnancy in 2011 had ended in miscarriage, I went to
a doctor (Dr. Elza Robinson in Shreveport...I really like him) right away...
just a couple of days after the positive pregnancy tests.
We hadn't had insurance in the states since 2005, so we were paying out of
pocket.  I asked for just the minimal.  I wanted to have my levels drawn...
progesterone, etc.  So, that's what we did.  Dr. Robinson really wanted
me to have an ultrasound.  I have never had an ultrasound early on in pregnancy...
midwives just use other measures (palpation, etc.) to make sure the pregnancy is
in your uterus rather than a fallopian tube, etc.  So, I wasn't worried about it.
He didn't palpate...but, I still just wasn't worried.  But...he was insistent.  I only
got the labs done that first day.  Dr. Robinson called me himself with the lab results...
everything looked great.  And he once again asked me to get an ultrasound.  I sent him
a text explaining our issue...and that we just couldn't do it budget-wise.  If there is something
I am super concerned about, we always find a way, regardless of budget.
But, I was ok and not concerned...an ultrasound would be nice, but
I was ok without one.  And budget was tight.  He texted back saying, "Come in for Sono
next week.  Don't worry about cost."  So...we went in.  I was exactly 6 weeks along.
(Note the crown-to-rump length...the CRL)

So tiny.  It's hard to get good pictures at 6 weeks.  Because mostly what
you see at 6 weeks is just a little blob that beats.  The beating is the most prominent
thing you see at 6 weeks.  And you can't take a picture of that.  It's such
a wonderful sight though.  Such life, even at such a young, tiny age.

These were taken Dec. 16th.

Dec. 16, 2013

We had a plan for our Christmas cards...we had taken pictures already in November.
We were ahead of schedule and would get them out early this year.  But...hahaha...then we
took a pregnancy test.  ;)  So, we changed our plans.  After the ultrasound, I took
pictures of the options I had so far.  We re-took pictures announcing the pregnancy
and added them in later.

We didn't end up using this one, but I loved what the card said.  "Bring on the Merry!!" :)
And thought it was cute the way it was announced here too..."Love, the Ebersole family of 7." 

And now just some of the pictures that we took to announce the pregnancy.
(Some are cropped, some aren't.)

I soooo love all of these with the kids holding their year signs.  Funny thing...
We hadn't told them about the baby yet.  They had no idea I was pregnant.
But hey...we're always asking them to do things...crazy, random things...things they don't
understand.  Whatever.  And I'm constantly taking pictures.  So they just held the signs
and took fun pictures.  ...Normal.  Haha.
I love them.

"What's this?  Oh...these are the years we were born.  Oh...cool.  O.K."

Then I brought out my sign.  "August 2014?  Why are you holding that sign?  That's not your year."
I just told them that's just what I wanted to put on my sign.  And then they got distracted with questions and a discussion about how dates work...what a century is and such.  LOL.
When you have a 'few' children, distraction is easy to come by...
and you usually don't even have to be responsible for that distraction.  Hahaha.
  Again...LOVE them!  LOL.  So funny.

Eissa's our quietest one.  But, she can also be super animated too.
It's so fun.  I love her pictures and all her different expressions...
and her little snaggle-tooth mouth and crinkly nose.

                               

The following is the video of us telling the kids about the pregnancy.
It is far from professional.  LOL.  But, you can see it and that's the
important part.  We told the kids on the 23rd...before we were headed
to Christmas with my immediate family, where we would be announcing
it to them.  I think we may have told Joel's family that day too.
We got together with my dad's family during the day on Christmas Eve
and told them then.  Then my mom's family Christmas was that night
on Christmas Eve.

This video: 

The kids really overwhelmed us with their reaction. Haha. We loved, loved, loved it. They were SUUUUUPER excited!!

As with any change, there comes mixed emotions. And that shows up very honestly here in this video. Even when you've lived with constant changing circumstances your whole entire life, as our kids have...change is just challenging...even when it's good change. Loved Grady's honest response. Just FYI, he never again reacted this way. He worked through it here...and was super excited from then on out, dreaming out loud about his new little sibling...preferably a brother, understandably...but, he'd decided that if it was a girl, it would be 'his' little girl. Sweet big brother. And, LOVE all the squeals from the big sisters. And Cass' newfound role as ultrasound tech. lol. And all the questions and jumping and hugging.

I just love everything about this video.
(you can click on 'YouTube' to go directly to the
YouTube site and view it there...it's bigger there)

                                         

And here are all the pictures of that same announcement.  Even
if you watched the video, these pictures are worth looking at.  :)

THIS PICTURE!!  I LOVE this picture!!  :)

:( ;)  Getting comforts from Daddy.
I promise he was all better after this. 

At Granny's Christmas, I got to sit by her this year.  I'm so grateful
for that, since we lost her less than 4 months later.  Cass came out in her shirt
and people started noticing.  I just held my phone down around where Joel was sitting
and snapped pictures of Granny and her reaction.  So glad I got some good ones. 

And now you know another reason why I love my current Facebook
profile picture so much.  Not only is it just a fun recent picture of
Granny...there's a great story behind it.  :)  And I know what she was
giggling/smiling about.

Christmas 2012, Gillian was pregnant with her little boy.  Ariel and I took a picture
with her and her little baby bump.  This year, the roles were reversed.  :)  Fun picture.
Another fun and super special fact:  Before I had the miscarriage, Gillian had found out
she was pregnant with baby #2.  So...all three of us girls, despite there being a
5 year age difference between Ariel and me, and a 15 year (!) age difference
between Gillian and me...all three of us were pregnant at the same time.  I just LOVE that.
So special.  Would have been so very neat to have babies all the same age.  But,
still a very special thing to at least have been pregnant all at the same time.  Super special. 

Christmas morning, with little baby Ebersole all snug in my belly, wrapped up
in the cute monkey robe one of the kids gave me Christmas 2012.  ;)

I was super sick that whole week of Christmas...really nauseated. 
Had even had some diarrhea...so, I thought it was a little something
that had been going around, on top of just regular pregnancy nausea. 
Christmas day around lunch time, I went to the bathroom with another
bout of diarrhea.  But...I also noticed some spotting.  It happened a couple
more times that day...just a tiny bit of spotting.  But, enough to worry me of course.
The next day we went to the doctor...and I got an ultrasound.  I was 7 weeks 3 days.
Everything looked perfect.  Perfect measurements, perfect beating heart. 
I was a bit surprised really...it was the BEST kind of surprised. 
I was prepared for the worst news. 
And received the best news.  Total relief. 
(Remember the CRL from last picture?  In just 10 days the CRL size had increased
from 0.34cm to 1.25cm.  And so much more visible on the ultrasound pic, right?
I was also able to get an abdominal ultrasound as opposed to a vaginal one here.
Lots of changes and growth in just 10 days.
The process of growing a baby inside of you is just such a miraculous thing!)

This is what our Christmas/New Year's cards ended up being.  This is the front.  I LOVED them!!
(Huge shout-out to Patti Martin Warren and Patti Warren Photography...and her Santa
assistant, her husband, Greg...for the gorgeous professional pics!)

The back of our Christmas/New Year's card 2013.

These were taken in January.  The 4 Ebersole kiddos and new little baby Ebersole.

The new big sister, Cass, wanted to hold the picture.  ;)

And now, this series is a wrap.  Again, thank you ALL so very, very much for your kindness and concern and support during that time of miscarriage, and since.  I'm so glad to finally report that my body is back to normal.  There are tons of other things going on with us now...and with me personally in regards to health.  Someday I'll be able to post on all of that.  I posted about getting #fitby40 on Facebook 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant.  Then all of this happened.  So, I wasn't able to achieve that 'fit by 40' status.  My new goal?...fit at 40.  ;) 

Again, thank you for your kindness during this all.  And thank you for celebrating with us today.  I hope you enjoyed the pictures and video as much as we do.  Celebrating life, no matter how short, is a very good thing.