Joel. Michawn. {Part 81 - Unsafe Relationships}

After I asked for help in my last blog post, one of the messages I got mentioned a counselor by the name of Patrick Doyle.  I looked him up.
The very first video I watched of his made me want to explode.  It was SOOOO different than ANY counselor I have ever heard.  What he was saying was EVERYTHING I had experienced for the past 4 1/2 years.  Everything.  If we received help like THIS, maybe things could turn around.

I've posted several things (on Facebook and here) that have talked about this sort of thing.  Several things that all added up equals what has happened in our marriage.  

This video meshes most of those things all together.  It has been sooooo validating and vindicating for me because someone GETS IT.  Finally.  I thought that one of our counselors had gotten it too last year...but two months later when we went back and I said that there had been no heart change and Joel said the opposite, he believed Joel and said that I was then trying to be controlling.  :( 

This guy though?  He's not convinced by mere words.

This video...please watch it (it's only 20 minutes long) and then read the specifics below of how it fits with our situation.  Soooo much wisdom and truth here that is soooo rare.

All that is italicized below are quotes from the video.

Within the first minute he talks about how you might feel harm from someone and it might be mild and not extreme, but it's consistent.  You yourself deny the harm that that person is doing...'that wasn't right and that wasn't very nice, but they didn't mean it'...you rationalize the harm that person is doing. Then that gives them license.  It's all unspoken, but they just keep taking ground and keep taking ground.

Then the person feels trapped and overwhelmed...and then they say something.  By the time they actually say something they say it with more intensity than if they had just started saying it in the first place.  Then the harmer acts like the harmed is just so wrong for addressing something with a higher intensity...and takes no responsibility...and turns himself into the victim.

Now, let me just say that I addressed the wrong things being done from the very beginning.  But, 1) since it just kept happening, and 2) since I didn't even find out what many of those wrong things were for a very long period of time (months/years; they were all kept secret)...the intensity with which I addressed things did escalate.  Not that when I addressed something it was always high-intensity...but when I addressed it and it was met with the SAME justifications and rationalizations and minimizations, the intensity of our conversation would definitely go up.

In the church particularly, people, because of their 'Christianity,' feel like they can't say anything that will cause a problem.  But...

The best and most loving thing a person can do if they are in a relationship where someone is hurting them is to stop them.

#1 rule of an unsafe person is that they don't take responsibility.  Now, let me clarify this here...Joel will seemingly take responsibility.  But, let me be very clear that it's only in word that he does that. He'll say "That was wrong.  I was wrong for doing that.  I've learned my lesson."  But then later, behind closed doors with me, he will still defend why he did that...he will still justify it and rationalize it and minimize it and spiritualize it.  Always.  That's what they do.

They rationalize, they minimize, they justify, they spiritualize, and they deny.

Joel will take the step where he says that he believes he was wrong, but he calls every wrong thing he's done the past few years 'mistakes.'  He hasn't ever said that he would change (in fact, he says that he's the same as he's always been and I never had a problem with him before...he shouldn't have to change...said that to me just yesterday), and he hasn't changed.  He can't ever reach a broken state about what he has done because he is too busy rationalizing, minimizing, justifying, spiritualizing, and denying.

Let me give you an example.  He lived a secret life for 7 whole months...deleting texts and calls and messages, putting on a show like he didn't know what was going on and acting indignant when his family contacted me yet he was the one who set it all up, getting talks from friends about how he needed to not be focused on his family of origin but instead focused on his wife and children and him replying saying that he hadn't talked to his family in months (while all the while he was living this secret life with them), promising me that he wouldn't contact his family of origin and within just a few hours of leaving my presence calling them, etc.  He lived a double life for those entire 7 months.
Then when I found out about it, he said it was wrong.  He said he was sorry.  And then he began rationalizing, minimizing, justifying, spiritualizing, and denying it.

Joel:  "I didn't talk to them all the time or anything.  If you hadn't asked me to separate from them for a year, I wouldn't have had to do it behind your back.  That was wrong of you to do that.  We are supposed to honor our father and mother.  Family is important to God.  Reconciliation is important to God...that's what He wants...that is what Christians do.  That is what you need to do."

In this kind of situation, the person who is the one who is harmed is always the one made responsible for making it OK.  And that's wrong.  Yet, that is what Joel and his family expect.  That is what every counselor we've seen has done...made me responsible.

In God's economy, if someone is being harmful (doing something wrong to someone else), it's their responsibility to come to terms with their own sin, with their own wrong.  And you can never be responsible for someone else's sin.

The person who is the offender is particularly smooth.  Except for in rare occasions where someone is highly pathological (signified by all kinds of other problems), the offended is telling the truth.  The harmed person is telling the truth.

Joel is well-liked by others, he has a good reputation, he is charming and kind.  The door shuts and he used to not turn into another person...but, when things started to not just go his way, he turned into another person secretly.  He kept it a secret from me when it started in Jan. 2012.  But, the secret was revealed to me quickly.

It's interesting...there is an article that I posted a while back that explains the phases I went through completely, just as this counselor in the video explains it.  The secret of who Joel was becoming (and how I was NOT his priority any longer, but instead his selfish desires and the expectations of others took priority) was revealed to me quickly...but I was just so incredibly dumbfounded.  It took me a whole year and a half before I could put it into words of any kind and actually started to confide in a couple of friends of mine.

There's sooooo much harm...that nobody can see.  It would be easier to diagnose of course if there WERE physical signs...a black eye, etc.  But, this kind of damage doesn't leave an immediate mark.

One of the signs of someone who is being regularly harmed is that they can never get any resolution! So there's this person who is being harmed continually who is desperately wanting to resolve the situation, but they can't...because the harmer won't take full responsibility and stop harming.  It always leads back to that...

Is the person who is harming willing to take responsibility?  And stop what they are doing?

One of the things that creates a LOT of difficulty is false humility.  Dead on right there.  There is worldly sorrow.  Exactly.  There's not conviction and repentance.

A lot of people are desperate for things to get back together, so when the harmer gives them that false humility, they just take it in and believe them.  But, when they do that, the person who is the offender/the harmer, they are emboldened by that.  And they continue to just take and take.  Joel acts VERY emboldened now...and holds on to playing the victim.  I asked him yesterday if he had watched this video.  He asked me why I haven't watched it and applied it to myself before I applied it to others.  I told him because I was the one who was harmed.  He said, "Ditto.  We are at the same place."  :(

Joel yesterday:  "what is it that I want from you? to get constantly yelled at screamed at, threatened, and isolated from everybody that cares about us as a family?  You need to wake up. Not giving you rest and going behind your back might have started all this but I took ownership and tried to make things right. Now you are the one damaging our marriage. Why don’t you stop....take ownership and get your mind right and give me something I want to come back to."

Me:  "you haven’t changed any of those things, joel.  you put others and your own desires over me and my needs to start out.  and you are still doing just that."

Because the person who has been harming them is always blaming them and undermining them, they start to doubt their own instincts.  And when they start to doubt their own instincts, the offender takes full charge.  I've seen it happen for YEARS...where a person is trying to working it out, but they just keep getting overwhelmed by the person's accusations.  And it will go on for years...and no one knows.  Maybe a couple of other people will know, but there's not enough evidence.  So everybody is like 'wellll...maaaybe...I don't know.'  There's nothing actionable...it's not like there's a smoking gun, so everyone backs off and doesn't want to get involved.

If the person being offended doesn't do something, it leads to unbelievable damage.

Here's another sign...someone comes into my office and says that they think they are going to lose their mind.  It's a sure sign.  It is literally such a confusing situation to be in.  Like I said, I was just completely dumbfounded for the first year and a half.  What was happening?  Why were Joel and I no longer on the same team...why did he feel so far away and not with me?  It was so hard and heartbreaking to me...and I had no idea what was going on.  

So hard.

The counselor here talks about how the harmer is loved in the community and everyone thinks he's great.  And you, the harmed, start to wonder 'is it just me?'  Well, yes, it is just you...it is just you that he is mistreating!   That's why it's confusing to others. 

Add on top of that the harmer is undermining the victim on a regular basis emotionally.

People ask "what do i do, what do i do, what do i do?"  The short answer is...get away.  Get away from the person that's harming you.  You've gotta have some boundaries.  When people leave the manipulative abuser, it's 2 weeks, and they can't believe how much peace they have.  There's difficulty because of the separation.  But, the fact that they're away from the person who is undermining them, they start to return to feeling better.  

Interviewer:  Sometimes the abuser has no idea it is happening.  They don't see themselves doing it.  

Patrick Doyle:  If the person claims faith, rarely are they unaware.  If you don't know and you're a person of faith, I've gotta question your faith.  Because how can you mistreat somebody that long and God not tell you?  Your denial system is VERY significant.  If you are God's child, you living in abject unawareness of another human being that you're married to will not happen as a result of His Spirit being in you.  That's not how it works...you can't be that unaware if His Spirit is in you.  Let's talk about why you don't see that.  Let's talk about what you are denying.  Until that person takes responsibility...

Listen, the Bible does not require reconciliation.  It requires forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a wholly separate entity from reconciliation.  

Reconciliation is ONLY the result of the offender having a conviction that has with it CONTRITION.  

If someone is convicted, from God, NOT just trying to mitigate their consequences (!!)...

When God convicts someone it is not because their spouse or whoever they are harming is upset.  It's separate from that.  It's a spiritual thing.  With conviction, Godly sorrow as the Bible calls it, always comes contrition.  Contrition isn't something we talk much about...and frankly it's kind of rare in my experience.

Contrition is this idea that I am sooo broken by what I have done in offending God and hurting the people around me that I am profoundly, behaviorally (NOT WORDS), motivated to show you (the person I've harmed)...again behaviorally, that I am so sorry and I'm different.  And the motivation is in ME...it's not something YOU have gotta keep feeding.  It's something that is in ME.  

This is the main thing that is missing.  This is what is needed to truly turn the tide in the end.  Yes, he has to be told that what he is doing is wrong and helped to understand why and how, etc....and I thank several of you who have stepped up and helped this week in that.  From the bottom of my heart.

But, then...if contrition doesn't also come, there is no way to move forward.

About a week before Joel moved out this time, I actually sat him down and had a long talk with him and said that this was missing.  I told him the story of the time I felt this the absolute most in my life. I was in my early 20s.  I can't get into specifics about it, but I had done something that I felt immediate and overwhelming conviction about.  So much so, that I named it 'condemnation, but a good kind.'  :)  I didn't have the language for it then...but it was, in fact, deep, deep, profound contrition.

I hadn't even hurt anyone else at all.  It was all me.  And yet, the deep, profound brokenness came. And not because it hurt me in any outward way or I had any consequences that came from it...I didn't.  But, what I had done was wrong.  It was that simple.  And God brought true conviction.  I was so deeply broken about it that I couldn't stop crying for a few days.  I went to work and cried.  I ran errands and cried. I cooked in my apartment and cried.  But, I can tell you this...I never ever did it again.  It marked me.

As I told Joel then, this is missing in him, and his family.  They are motivated by the threat of consequences...they are willing to modify their behavior for a certain amount of time only.  They have ZERO conviction.  ZERO contrition.  It's as if they don't even care.  They spew words and 'apologize.'  But, that is not what contrition is.

They claim 'quick forgiveness.'  They value that highly and from day one of meeting this family, that is what their biggest marital advice to us was.  But, they don't know what 'quick forgiveness' means. They also don't understand that some things require that there isn't 'quick' forgiveness.  And that forgiveness doesn't = reconciliation.  

The counselor here goes on to tell the story of how he was addicted to porn, came out of it, went back to it secretly for about a year, then confessed to his wife and really thought it was going to be the end of his marriage.  "One of the things that Katherine (his wife) has said is that the fact that it was within me, it was my conviction and she never had to manage any of that...she saw God working in that, changing me, I was broken by it.  That conviction and contrition, behaviorally...she never had to ask me to go to a meeting, she never had to ask me to talk to anybody, she never had to ask me to pray about it...I was like I gotta deal with this."  HE was motivated to do it...HE was convicted to change.

Sadly, I have had to manage it all.  It's true.  I have had to try to help Joel to see why what he is doing is wrong...why defending me is the right thing to do instead of defending his family when they bully me, why being ONE means being on the same team and being married doesn't mean we just 'do our own things,' etc.  I've just had to manage it all...it hasn't been anything that has come from Joel.

He's even confessed to me that most of the good and right things he has said were all said because he knew those were the things I wanted to hear.

Another thing...this counselor said that he was broken about what he had done and when he confessed, he really thought his marriage was over.  Joel has never thought that.  Partly because he doesn't think he's really done wrong...partly because of the 'quick forgiveness' standard (and what that means to his family) that has been drilled into him...and partly because of the whole 'Christian' mantra 'divorce is never an option.'  When he confessed to me that he had been in a secret relationship with his family for 7 months, he never in a million years was afraid our marriage was over.  He likes to say to others that he knows he was wrong for that.  But, this is how he says it to me..."Was I wrong for that?  Yes...I shouldn't have done anything behind your back.  From now on I won't do anything behind your back.  I'll just tell you upfront from now on when I am going to talk to them and go see them.  Then I'm not wrong."  He likes to just tell himself that it was the 'doing it behind my back' part that was wrong.  He has said over and over to me..."I told you I would never do anything behind your back again.  We worked that out.  I won't do that ever again."  And that is him 'reassuring' me that he is all better and 'fixed.'

As you can see it's all so twisted and manipulative and squirrelly and wrong and soooo soooo soooo very damaging.

Read this next part and tell me how many Christians give this WISE advice (hint: almost none, ever).

That conviction signals to the other person that there's something good and transformative happening within ME, which then allows them to open up and start to trust a little.  If you don't see that contrition, you have NO BUSINESS reconnecting or making yourself vulnerable.  You HAVE to keep the boundary up.

And this is where it's so hard for people.  Because a lot of their training is...you don't do that.  

No, we as Christians are taught that you 'forgive 70x7' and we are taught that that means that you just stay...you just keep going after people...you just keep trying to work it out...and so many other false, damaging, completely unhealthy things.    

What happens if the person recognizes they are in this kind of harmful relationship, but they are slowly becoming immune to it?  People just become really despondent.  They just give up.  They feel hopeless and trapped.  Which is another sign.  If you are in a relationship that brings you to feeling hopeless and trapped?...that's not how relationships are supposed to make you feel.  

If you go up that ramp enough times to try to fix it, and every time you just get pulverized or turned away or disappointed or re-convinced (re-told) how crazy you are for thinking that...

Every time the person brings up the issue, the offender turns it around back on them.  Blame-shifting is one of the #1 things they do.  They have responsibility teflon, and the victim has responsibility velcro.  

I fortunately don't have responsibility velcro.  The first year and a half, I tried every avenue I could to fix this within myself.  I even took a few days away to just go meet with God and reflect and 'get better.'  But, the problem wasn't me and how I just needed to 'get over my needs.'  The problem was that I was having very real needs (not wants, not desires...dire needs) not being met by the person who was supposed to love me and want to meet those needs the most...and that continues to this day, only with much much damage attached.

But, I knew for sure, after that year and a half, that I was not responsible.  That turns some people off...maybe that's why some of the counselors had a problem with me.  Maybe that's why I got informally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  But I knew that I wasn't responsible.

A perfect human?  No.  But, I was not responsible for this.

But I also was not/am not vindictive.  Every single time I thought Joel was taking responsibility and repenting and changing his path and starting to walk in the right way, I locked arms with him to do it together...walking out of the quicksand and horrible times and walking into all of the good things to come in the end --> complete restoration, being best friends again, being on the same team, complete camaraderie, being able to trust again, etc.

Joel likes to say that I constantly bring up the past.  But, what he calls the past is actually our present. Why?  Because he never actually walked away from those things.  He never actually changed his path and started to walk in the right way.  Every time, I had locked arms with someone only to see them unlock arms with me and turn back.

Unsafe relationships...there is a spectrum.  Mild to extreme.  But, if you are anywhere on the spectrum, it's a bad deal.  And you might start out at mild, but eventually you are going to end up in a much worse place.  Unsafe relationships do not stay the same.  They progress.  Every time.  Because people who are taking advantage of another person, that is a snowball that gathers mass.  One of the worst things you can do, as a person in a relationship with someone who is taking advantage of you, is give them power.   

And what does the church tell a wife to do in a marriage?  Submit.  What if it's a 'bad' marriage, but not physically bad?  Submit.  You will win him by your love and Christlike submissive witness, after all.  And they use this verse to solidify this 'calling' on women:  "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands.  Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words.  They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives."

Soooo much can be said about that passage to refute the way it is used in the church today, but I just want to point out one thing...that this passage was referring to the unsaved husbands of the Christian women of Asia Minor.  Unsaved.  Not men who supposedly are saved and filled with God's Spirit but are behaving badly...and won't stop behaving badly.

I was told by our latest 'counselor' that he knows so many women who are at peace in their marriages even with crappy husbands because they are tight with Jesus.  I just wanted to SCREAM!!  After hearing our story, how on earth is that where people go?!  No...these women have dissociated themselves from their reality. Yes, they have Jesus and He is getting them through...BECAUSE He is all they have and they have settled...BECAUSE nobody helped them do anything better than that.  Nobody has come to their rescue.  Nobody will hear their cries for help.

I won't live like that.  Jesus doesn't want me to live like that.  Jesus wants people to come to others' aid and weep with those who weep...not ignore those people who are weeping.  Not tell them that they shouldn't even be weeping.  Not tell them that God is there for them and if you stay tight with Jesus, you'll be fine no matter what your circumstances.  No...that's a load of cow manure!

Somebody feels like they are just worn out from this, they may even feel that they are becoming immune to it...it's 'easier' to stay in the relationship and live under the same roof than it is to confront it (and one of the reasons that is so is because the church and people in general make it soooo hard), but they're just running out of gas.  What is the first thing they should do?

Well, the first thing you gotta do is you've got to talk to someone who understands this stuff.  And you've got to start getting some validation.  I've worked with people for 1, 2, 3 years before they're ready to confront...because they're soooo broken down.  And it takes me convincing them, really, in the long run, that what they are seeing is true.  "Yeah, if that's happening, then that's the right conclusion." And then they go to the person they're with and that person undoes all that and then they come back and I say "No, that's the right conclusion."

The other thing about this is that I've seen a lot of people in the church use Scripture to justify their harm of others.  And that's spiritual abuse.  So now not only is the victim 'crazy' for bringing it all up...now they're bad with God.  So where are they going to go?  
Exactly!!  I have had nowhere to go for help.  Because this is what always happens.  Always.

So they're the problem.  The person being harmed has no place to stand.  So that's why you've gotta get with someone who can help you vet out all those things you feel.  Because internally it is going to be really hard.  Having that connection with someone else who understands is hugely important. They HAVE to have somebody they think they can trust.  Seek someone out that you can trust.  But, you have to vet that trust.  You can't just blindly trust someone.  You have to slowly check them out. Because I've seen this...and I hate to say this, but it's true...many times I've seen people go to their pastors and their pastors comPLETEly mishandle it.  And then it's worse.  It's not a short-term deal. And it's VERY serious.

How many times has this happened?  A counselor, a pastor, a trusted friend acting as counselor...mishandling it and making it worse.

Something I've learned through this is that trust shouldn't come so easy.  I had never had something like this happen before...I had never had any reason to lose trust in anyone really.  There were a few that I held at a distance because I knew they weren't completely trustworthy.  But, I had never been truly betrayed before all of this.  Joel likes to say that I hold grudges and that people who 'I say' hurt me (he likes to say that what they've done shouldn't hurt me and I should just let it go)...he says I am the one who pushes them away.

The truth is that so many have betrayed me throughout these past few years...some have actively betrayed me and some have betrayed me in their silence.  When you see someone clearly hurting and being harmed, sitting in silence (Christian people like to call that 'praying for someone') and doing nothing to reach out is betrayal.

No, it's not me who has pushed people away.  I have only been trying to survive here.

When people betray, trust is no longer there.  And distance is required and wise.

I've yet to find a counselor I can trust...and keep trusting.

What do you do?  What is the goal?

That is dependent on the offender.  If the offender has any semblance of repentance, then we're going to work towards restoration.  If the offender is just continuing in the denial, rationalizing, minimizing, etc....then we have to help set safe boundaries and see what God does.  If God convicts that person, then we try to work towards coming together.  If that person isn't convicted, we figure out how to live in a safe way and it varies what happens next.

One of the hardest parts of this is if the offender is at the same time claiming to be spiritual.  That's the one you really need some good counseling for.  Here's the deal...BEHAVIOR always tells the story.  I don't care what you SAY.  If your behavior isn't convicted, isn't soft, isn't CHANGED by God, then the person who is being offended should not trust you!

Joel. Michawn. {Part 80 - Help}

I don't think that I've said this here on the blog, but Joel and I are separated again.  He moved out April 10th.  I had stopped posting regularly here already before that happened...I was busy with other things (someday I might post about that here too).  And I've talked about our separation on Facebook.  But, yes...been living apart almost 4 months now.

It just wasn't working.  He tried to do the right things.  But, he doesn't believe that the right things are right...so therefore, that wasn't sustainable.  When you don't believe the right things are right, you can't do the right things.

He doesn't believe that you should put your spouse in a place of priority over others, especially not family of origin.  (He says he believes this, but doesn't put it into practice)
He doesn't believe that you should walk away from harmful people...because nobody is 'harmful' unless they've harmed you physically.
He doesn't believe that walking away from harmful people is something you should do...if they walk away from you, you bless them and let them be on their way.  But, you don't walk away from them...you 'love and forgive.'
He believes having boundaries equals having grudges.

And, there is no convincing him otherwise.

Therefore, he is ONE with his family of origin again...not me.  He continues to believe and say that I'm unforgiving and unloving (among other things).

And a marriage cannot survive in those conditions.

I'm going to share with you a conversation a friend had with him at the beginning of March.  Sadly, this friend is the only one who has said these things to him without backing down one bit...bold, pure truth.  Counselors have never said these things.  Other people in our lives...never.  There have been a couple (literally just 2) of very sweet friends who have done their best...but, they are friends of mine and they are females...and Joel hasn't listened to anything they said (as in actually heeded their words and believed and tried the things they've said).  But, then again, he didn't listen to this guy either.

I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  You know how when you have heard something all your life, a new concept is hard to accept at first.  These things should NOT be new concepts.  But, growing up in the belief system he did, there are definitely ways in which this IS new to him.  So, I hoped and prayed that he would be introduced to these things...over and over.  That hasn't happened. These things aren't 'out there' at all...they are just not what he's been taught.  And sadly, the counselors all, in some way or another, reinforced the things he's been taught.

Here is the conversation (all names of others have been changed to protect their privacy)...

Joel,
I hope this finds you well....I was asked to share a few words with you about my thoughts on marriage and family.  I can't even pretend that I know what you and Michawn are walking through, but I wanted to share a few words.  I heard a recent sermon about perseverance.  In it our pastor mentioned that we as believers need to finish strong. Obviously in reference to our faith, but also in what God has blessed us with on earth, the first thing that I think of is my wife and kids.  Lisa and I have had a turbulent couple of years with much death, and also now abandonment (which is even a bit harder to wrap our heads around than death).  My parents have decided that they wanted to get off their chests what they think of Lisa.  My dad, over the years would quietly take me aside and let me know how needy Lisa was and that I need to basically man up and put her in her place.  I would gently remind him that we are in a needy/busy time of our life with kids and job and school etc, and he and I would move on.  I wish now I would have ended his "gentle" disapproval of my wife. In college, I learned the importance of leaving and cleaving, from a man that mentored me, and I saw mistakes my dad made in his own marriage.  I believe that the most important relationship I have on earth is with my wife, whom I have no doubt God put in my life.  I love my kids, but know that they see our interactions and are shaped by them.  My dad has written texts and emails defaming Lisa because he wants more of my attention at the expense of my marriage.  I support and love my wife, because that's what I have been called to do.  I believe that's what all husbands are called to do.  I would love for my parents to desire encouraging us, loving us with words and actions, and praising us in front of our kids for staying together, even if times are tough, but the reality is they are sinners and are too wrapped up in themselves to humbly apologize.
The "gentle" disapproval of my wife that I mentioned earlier has come to a head and I see it now as it really has been all along,  all out divisiveness and I should have ended it more firmly earlier on.  I have chosen Lisa.  I wish things were different with my folks, but know that my decision to remain loyal to Lisa is what God wants.  I remain convinced that my parents have the choice to love and encourage my wife, even though they may not agree with her decisions, or choose divisiveness, and miss out on so much enjoyment from their grandchildren.  I can't imagine why they would choose the latter. We'll be praying for y'all.

Now, our circumstances are a bit different.  Joel was the one who started, at the beginning of 2012, saying that I was being 'difficult' (because I wouldn't let him out of a promise he'd made to me) to his family first...they weren't the ones to come to him with their complaints, he went to them.  But, they encouraged him in breaking that promise to me, and therefore were very divisive.  And then continued to just, over the years, feel very free to speak about me very, very negatively and tell Joel just what they thought of me.  Then, after we separated in 2014 and were trying to come back together that Fall, they 1) refused to discuss everything that had been said with me, even after I tried for 2 months to get them to just talk to me about it all, then 2) entered into a secret relationship with Joel that lasted 7+ months (*regular* communication that included them working together to try to get me to do things they wanted...me having no idea they had joined forces to try to manipulate me), and 3) bullied me on social media (I'm not providing links here, but I've written about these things in more detail before in this series...really, really horrible things; if you want the links, just ask me).  Of course after they got caught in all of that...of course they then said at that point, "Oh, we're so sorry...we should have discussed whatever Michawn wanted to discuss 9 months ago...please forgive us."  And of course Joel, at that point, says, "See, Michawn?  They are sorry and they love you and want to work it out.  You are being so unloving and unforgiving if you don't talk it out with them." :(

Joel's reply:

Hey Jake. Thanks for taking the time to write about family / extended family. I really appreciate it and agree with everything you said. Taking care of our wife and kiddos is of utmost priority. The situation with your parents is sad and hard but I do believe you took the correct steps to protect your wife.
As you might know, Michawn and I have a situation with my parents as well but its much different.  I made the mistake of confiding in my dad about the difficulties Michawn and I were having....how I was seeing the situation....specially after Michawn kicked me out of the house.  His tone was always loving and caring for Michawn and all for the restoration of our marriage.  At some of the more difficult times that I was trying to figure out  Michawn, some of his advice was misguided because of all the turmoil I was going thru. He didn't really say anything I wasn't saying but made some assumptions about her in trying to help me that were too far. When Michawn and I got back together Michawn saw these emails, was very hurt and called out my dad for all he said....line by line. She had the right to be angry and I supported her in that.  My parents apologized several times and different ways but didn't talk thru line by line. Because of this Michawn decided we would cut all ties with ALL my family. About a month and a half in I decided that that was not the right thing to do and checked up on them from time to time behind her back. In july I came clean with Michawn and my parents have since apologized for not working thru line by line of her email and agreed to do so. Because of this betrayal on my part, we asked for 6 months of no contact with any of my family (including family that had nothing to do with this) and that is what has happened for the last 7 months.
Now, I want and hope Michawn will work things out but she is determined that we will never have anything to do with them EVER again. ANY of them.
So, this is a shortened version of where we find ourselves. One of the many struggles/differences of opinions we are still dealing with. I'm struggling to find the right answer. Michawn and the kids are way way more important but I know my parents have humbled themselves and learned their lesson. I come from a big loving family and to excommunicate all of them does not seem right. Any advice/thoughts?

Jake's reply:

Man, sounds like it's been a rough few years for both of our families.  From what I know of Michawn, you and I are both really blessed to be married to strong women.  Years ago, at a conference, Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade for Christ) said that the greatest gift any man could ever be given is the gift of a strong wife to walk beside you in life.  I'm thankful that Lisa challenges me towards truth and it sounds like that's something you should be incredibly thankful for in Michawn.  Although we've both struggled with our parents, I guess our situations are different. Lisa wasn't put in a spot to lose trust in me.  I can imagine how guilty you must feel for first slandering Michawn and then checking up on your parents behind her back. That's pretty harsh.  She must feel betrayed. One of the most important attributes for marriage is trust. It may take your serious singular devotion to heal those wounds.  In your message you said taking care of your wife and kiddos is of utmost priority, but if you read back through, it might surprise you that the majority of your words are spent defending your parents and explaining how stepping aside from them was too tough for you.  I wonder if you should spend some time reflecting on what your utmost priority really is?  It sounds picture perfect the way you explain that your parents have tried and continued trying to apologize, but from my experience apologies should not be given with demands.  One of the best ways to be a good father is to be loving and loyal to your wife.  As you tell your story, you seem to give yourself a lot of grace, but seem to be pretty attacking of Michawn. Did you commit before God in your wedding vows that you would love and comfort Michawn, honor and keep Michawn for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to Michawn, for as long as you both should live?  Loyalty is huge man, make sure it's to your wife ... the one you said before God that you would cleave to, the one that you joined to become one flesh. And not the father and mother you left. God gave you His blessing to be loyal to your wife.  For me personally, I have had to step away from my dream of utopia where my entire extended family stands around a campfire singing praise songs and step into reality, things are broken with my family of origin.  I can't rewrite the past, but I am responsible for the present. Man to man I think you're going to have long term regrets if you don't start focusing on making your wife your passion in life.  I don't know how things between you and Michawn can get better until you embrace her as a gift that God chose for you to adore and stop defending your "mistakes" and "checking up on your parents."

Hands down the BEST counsel that has been given this entire 4 1/2 years.  It WOULD take his 'serious singular devotion to heal those wounds' he and his family has caused, as Jake said.  But, he refuses to provide that.  (Please, do not interject here that 'only God can heal you'...I think we all know that in the end, that is true...but, it is through people that He so often provides that healing, so you can save your Christianese...surely you can all understand what Jake said here.)

Joel's response:

Jake, what you say is true. I am incredibly thankful for Michawn. It has been an amazing 15 years of marriage despite the incredibly hard last 4 years. I love her, want to win her back, build trust and enjoy the rest of my life with her.
My intent was never to slander Michawn. Only to humbly seek help from a few trusted friends and family members as i wrestled to understand what was happening with her/between us.
Maybe I went over the top trying to explain to you what happened in particular with my parents. They messed up and said damaging things. I know it, they know it...not explaining it away. Wish I could take everything back. We both owe Michawn for that. Can not demand anything for what was done. That was extremely damaging ....period.
I have taken full responsibility for what I said and did behind Michawns back. I've learned my lessons and accepted the full consequences. It has been a year and a half of little-to-no friends, no church and 6 month of no family contact so far.
I am focused on making amends to heal the incredible trust shattering behavior I have had while dealing with this "greater storm" we are in.
A few weeks ago Michawn told me that  she was actually going to praise my efforts to win her trust back ....she was thinking that just before I  mentioned that I hoped that some day we can work things out with all the relationships that have been damaged in the midst of this "greater storm" we are in. Many friends and just about all (both sides of) our family.
And this is when the "greater storm" just went up a few categories. And I was told I lost all trust again.... Back to 0. I'm not sure what to do.
Michawn is categorizing all family and many friends as hurtful and damaging people. People to avoid for the rest of our lives at all cost.
This is one of the hard to understand things in our lives. Maybe not so hard in the case of my parents but still...this is not how Michawn used to be. She used to be the most social, people loving, people attracting, active, forgiving person I knew. Now she stays isolated in her bedroom most of the time when I'm home and barely leaves the house.
 I realize time is needed of course when there are wounds. She is my priority and maybe I brought it up too soon but at some point I hope we don't live the rest of our lives completely isolated from everyone that cares about us.
Jake, thanks for the straight up talk. It does help me to wake up to the realities of what I did and the gift that she is.
I do want to get thru all this mess. I win when trust is built and Michawn is flourishing and is loving life again.  I am listening if you have anything else to add or say.
I give you complete freedom to speak into any area of my life.
I appreciate you man.

Sadly, he did actually demand things from me, and you can see here that he was so very focused on his own selfish desires (and all that he was missing and 'giving up').  If he had that serious singular devotion to me, and to healing our marriage, those things wouldn't be the focus at all.

A few days passed and we hadn't heard back from Jake, so Joel sent this:

Jake, I'm sure you are a busy guy but I really value your feed back and would love to keep this open dialog with u going. What is your take on what I said? Do you still think those thing u said before based on what I just wrote? Thanks again for your time.

I had been included in these messages.  Had not spoken until this point.  But at this point I said:  "jake, thank you for your help.  i, of course, have answers for all the things that joel has said, including things he said in his last message. i was staying silent up until this point, but just wanted to let you know that if you do have any questions for me, please let me know.  i have nothing to hide. thank you."

Because I did have answers.  Like the way Joel continued to try to throw me under the bus by saying things like 'she is categorizing ALL family and many friends as hurtful and damaging people'...not true.  And 'She used to be the most social, people loving, people attracting, active, forgiving person I knew. Now she stays isolated in her bedroom most of the time when I'm home and barely leaves the house.' ---> When you've been through hell and back over and over for 4 1/2 years, and people have completely unexpectedly abandoned you at best and vehemently attacked/accused you at worst, it changes you.  It just does.  I am still social and people-loving and active and forgiving.  But I also now have boundaries and guard myself more and know what true forgiveness is (it's not necessarily reconciliation).  I'm active again now...but for so long (when Joel lived here), after I had survived some of these things that would come my way daily, I just had no energy left to do other things.  And, staying in my room when he was home?  Well, that's the only place I could go to be away from him...and my room is small and the bed fills it up.  That is the only place I had to sit.  "Staying in bed" tends to carry a whole other connotation, but that is why I was 'in bed.'

Jake did eventually reply again a few days later...

Yes, life has been busy. Spring baseball has started up and we just finished spring break.  I received both of your messages and while I appreciate your willingness to hear more from me, I thought I'd been clear in my last message.
Joel, even with you clarifying yourself my perspective is the same. I still believe it would be most honoring to God, your wife, and your kids if you chose to let go of wanting everything perfect with your parents and embrace your wife.
I can't imagine Lisa not trusting me.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be letting go of my side relationships and put all my energy into rebuilding a loving and respectful relationship with my wife.  Look for all the ways she's a God given gift to you instead of blaming her for where the two of you are at today.
If I recall, your continual betrayal is what has led to an estrangement from your parents.
Personally, I don't know if rebuilding will take 5 years or a lifetime, but clearly not 7 months. Joel, healing doesn't have a precise time frame. As long as you're looking for a formula, I'm convinced your heart is in the wrong spot.
Lisa and I were thinking about reading through face to face by Carrie Miles if y'all wanted to read it too. Man, it may be tough but as you read, try and look for ways you need to grow up.  Don't set impressing me or convincing your wife that your parents deserve an active role in your life as your goal, but instead aim to once again reach that sweet spot in your marriage.

Again, Jake just continued to see through all the muck, straight to the heart of the matter.  STRAIGHT to the heart of the matter.  And he boldly stuck to it!

"...it would be most honoring to God, your wife, and your kids if you chose to let go of wanting everything perfect with your parents and embrace your wife."

"I can't imagine Lisa not trusting me.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be letting go of my side relationships and put all my energy into rebuilding a loving and respectful relationship with my wife.  Look for all the ways she's a God given gift to you instead of blaming her for where the two of you are at today."

"If I recall, your continual betrayal is what has led to an estrangement from your parents."

"Joel, healing doesn't have a precise time frame. As long as you're looking for a formula, I'm convinced your heart is in the wrong spot."

"Don't set impressing me or convincing your wife that your parents deserve an active role in your life as your goal, but instead aim to once again reach that sweet spot in your marriage."

Sadly, Joel just continued to plead his case.  He surrounded it in language that sounded good and would fool most people.  I feel sure, though, that if Jake had continued to respond, he would have continued to just call Joel out...seeing past the muck and continuing to say the SAME things.

Here was Joel's reply...

Hey Jake, thanks for the encouragement. I have and will continue to embrace my wife and kids.
I will give up the hope of working things out with my parents even though I'm more the kind of guy that thinks we need to hack any problems out face-to-face. Michawn comes first. This doesn't mean - no contact with them ever again - because that is just not possible. But nothing for now for sure. I want to protect my wife and give her what she needs.
"If I were in your shoes, I'd be letting go of my side relationships and put all my energy into rebuilding a loving and respectful relationship with my wife."  -   Why did you mention this again? All other side relationships are on hold for the last 7 months as I try to build trust and address the issues Michawn continually finds in me. I only interact with work related people.
I do think it is important to start attending church again. A church, of course, that Michawn feels safe in. Being a lone ranger is not the way to go.
The difficult part is that Michawn is still saying I'm betraying her just like I did for the last 4 years. I'm still struggling to understand that. We are now working with a friend of ours to talk thing thru every sunday. hopefully that will help. I am doing my best to listen, hear and understand her complaints and address them in a way that honor her.
I am reading several book right now to help me work on different areas in my life and marriage. I will be more then happy to read the one you're suggesting with Michawn if shes up for it...will pick it up for myself either way.
Sweet spot it is. Let keep talking.
Take care.

Jake couldn't have been any clearer.  Yet Joel just continued in HIS ways and with his selfish desires, even in this response.

Behavior modification never works.  Joel always wanted to just agree to a specified amount of time to modify his behaviors (stay away from the people that hurt me, for instance) instead of actually feeling those things with me.

When you are ONE with your spouse, if someone hurts them, it causes you pain too.  You don't continuously defend the people who hurt your spouse.  And deny the feelings of your spouse.

But, then again, most of the times they were awful to me, he was awful to me with them.  Many of those times, he was defending not only them, but himself as well.  The times they had acted alone, he still defended them...and continuously minimized all they did and how I should feel about it.

That continues to this day.

He was taught a fierce devotion to his family...and since his only family was his family of origin for the first 24 years, that is where he goes I guess (it's been proven).  He was obviously not taught to leave and cleave...doesn't know the meaning.  He hangs on to what he was taught about forgiveness, which is really just sweeping things under the rug...acting like nothing ever happened, "I'm sorry" is always sufficient (not what forgiveness is, by the way).

I've always thought of Joel as teachable.  I've always thought he would be able to learn and change and grow.  But, I'm not sure of which is at play here...

1) Is he unable (or just refusing to) learn and grow and change?

Or...

2) Since...

He has only heard these things from 1 person this boldly, and 2 others occasionally (and less boldly)...and from me (who he was constantly told not to listen to anyway)...

And all of the rest of what he has heard the past 4 1/2 years has been those things he's been taught all of his life (from counselors, from church members, from 'friends')...

Since that is the case, is it possible that he can learn/change/grow and would be willing to, if he thought that what Jake said was really the issue here?  If he really believed those things he was being told by Jake and me?

He's entrenched in those wrong beliefs about family and forgiveness and boundaries, etc.  When I think about the things I've changed my beliefs about, it was done over time...and only because I was exposed to the 'alternative way' many times, bit by bit, over that time.  If more people were willing to do that in his life, could that work?  He has asked...but, we don't have anyone to continually speak into his life boldly like this and basically disciple him.  Like I said...he is entrenched.  It would require, basically, walking him out of the trenches.  Into freedom.  And into the possibility of saving his marriage.

Am I wrong for even thinking that is a possibility?

I don't want to give up on my marriage, y'all.  I can't and won't continue to stay in a marriage where I am treated that way.  But, I don't want to give up on it just yet either.

Anyone willing to just walk him through this...if he is still even willing?  Anyone willing to disciple and mentor him in how to leave and cleave, how to be ONE with his wife, how to put his wife and kids priority?  Anyone of you who see things the way Jake does even willing to just say one or two things to him?  Because if enough of you do that, maybe he would see it as valid.

That sounds desperate and sad.  But don't think of me that way.  The truth is that I am those things at this point, lol, sigh.  :(

But, I'm also tenacious and unwilling to give up this fight just yet.  

Thoughts?  Encouragement?  (I sure could use some.)

Joel. Michawn. {Part 79 - Do Not Sacrifice Yourself}

"Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to continue to sin against you just to keep the peace in your marriage is never a wise choice…not for you, not for your spouse, and not for your marriage."

God calls us to be peaceMAKERS...not peaceKEEPERS, or peaceFAKERS.

Some of you need to make a change...need to work to get to peace, whatever that means in your life. If you do nothing, your mental, emotional, and spiritual core will grow weaker and weaker, curving inward, until your entire personhood is out of alignment.

Sometimes we're only motivated to make the change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than our fear or the pain of making the change.

I just registered for this class. This lady, her book, her videos on YouTube (be sure to check them out)...amazing. Thank you to the friend who sent me the info. She knows who she is. She is still in silence about this all in her life...where I remained just a year and a half ago. There are so many of us realizing these truths...and moving toward peace.

Please, please do not sacrifice yourself in the name of fake peace.

Here is the link to sign up for the class.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 78 - Suffragette}

Been a while.  I'll update more soon.  But today, this...
Finally watched Suffragette. What an amazing movie. So very powerful. (Read this all the way to the end...please) We may have the right to vote now, but within relationships and esp. within religion (yes, evangelical Christianity included), so much is the same as in the early 1900s...so much is the same. Still so much of a power and control over women exists...a power and control that is held onto at all costs. At ALL costs. I won't give any spoilers, but at one point the main character who has joined the fight for votes for women is with her son. He says to her, "Dad says you're not well in the head." It seems that's always been the go-to, hasn't it? If a woman starts taking a stand concerning something a man doesn't agree with or like, she is declared 'not right in the head' and 'crazy.' So very disheartening. So many quotes and moments in this movie that just had my gut in knots and my heart so sad...because in many ways, I've lived that the past few years. "All my life I've been respectful and done what men told me. I know better now." That's me. I thought that if I was just compliant and worked well with others, everything would be fine. Instead, after living my life in a way that tried to please the men in my life, they turned their backs on me. The women too...because they too are trying to live in a way that pleases the men around them. I had even always been 'one of the boys' in so many ways...didn't matter. They turned their backs on me. This quote was everything!!...
**"We break windows. We burn things. Because war's the only language men listen to. Because you've beaten us and betrayed us and there's nothing else left."** Of course when women get to that point and say things like that, they are said to be crazy, or making mountains out of molehills, or "that's not really what's going on here, that's just your perception," or in evangelical circles "it doesn't matter what others do to you, you behave yourself...you need to have self-control." I'm pretty sure these same people would have told Jesus the same thing when he was turning over tables...they would have been indignant and looked at him with disappointment in their eyes and scorn in their voices, just like they look at and speak to me. "I would rather be a rebel than a slave." Again, Jesus was labeled a rebel. "We don't want to be lawbreakers. We want to be lawmakers." These women had NO power, no autonomy...just like so many of us in the church within marriages, within relationships still today. We TRY to live peaceably...we don't make outrageous demands. But then we still are brushed aside and not respected and betrayed. Just like the main character in the movie, we don't usually join a fight until it just won't leave us alone...until all of our attempts at staying out of that fight are foiled. I, too, used to think that if people would just tow the line and live peaceably and 'follow the specific roles for men and women' (yes, that was me), then everything would be fine. But even though I was doing all of those things, the men in my life still turned against me. The church still turned against me. Everyone who was supposed to love and respect me still turned against me. If they will do that to their own, there's no hope for others. If they will do that to someone who has given their LIFE for the work of the church and complied in every way, then they are capable of turning on anyone. Are you next? It's so easy to do...because the women don't have any recourse. They have no source of help in a difficult situation. The Christians say 'Well, just look to Jesus. If He doesn't intervene in this life, your reward is in heaven.' That's not who Jesus is. HE came for the powerless. HE expects His people to *defend* the powerless instead of keeping certain groups of His people powerless. He expects His people to be a source of help in difficult situations. Look to Jesus? JESUS IS SAYING to the church and the men of the church, "Get. Off. Your asses. No, I did not come so you can head over women. I came to restore what was created in the Garden...equal partners. Enough of this 'God wants men to be head because they are more logical and less emotional.' Enough of this thinking that women are out to 'usurp authority'...authority that I never gave you in the first place, by the way. And enough of this thinking women are in ANY way less capable. They are not in ANY WAY less capable...not mentally, not emotionally, not spiritually. There is neither male nor female in MY kingdom...stop trying to make up your own kingdom with your own man-made power. I never gave that power to you. Now, get off your rears and work together with women...stop bullying them, stop making things up to fit your narrative, stop trying to be the hero in the story...they don't need you to rescue them...they just need you to respect them as the fully capable people they are. In short, be like ME. I would never in a million years treat them like you treat them." Heed those words, please. Jesus didn't say those things, you say? Read your Bible. Study it. Study the culture of the time. He absolutely 'said' those things. I'm so thankful for the women who have fought throughout the generations...fought to be heard, fought to be really listened to, fought to be seen as someone worthy of respect and equality. We still have a long way to go, sadly even in the church, where it should be the opposite...the church should be leading the way, just as Christ did for women. We still have a long way to go, but prayerfully we will get there. It might cost some of us everything, but we will not back down from what is RIGHT. #neversurrender #nevergiveupthefight #TeamRising

Joel. Michawn. {Part 77 - December on Facebook, 2}

Been a while, I know.  Lots going on in real life here.  But...here I am again.

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Dec. 12th -

Dec. 15th - 

So often when people demand that you 'keep peace,' what is really happening is that the side with the control and power is telling the side without the control and power to be quiet in order to keep the lopsided power structure in place. Telling the dissenter to keep quiet and keep the peace is always beneficial only to the party in power that calls all the shots. The one with power wants all the peace for themselves.                                            

                   

Dec. 15th - I posted these words with a link to this article, called "A New Era Of Peace-Making Feminists."

good stuff... 

~We need to dwell on the injustice we faced and continue to face due to our gender. We need to vent. We need to speak up, write out, cut our hair short, get a job, and whatever else. 

We need to distance ourselves from friends, family, churches, and really all environments or people that are not in support of the “new us.” WE ARE FREE! WE ARE FREE! WE ARE FREE! We need to shout it from the rooftops or steeples. 

Complementarianism has not had a good year and it is becoming increasingly clear that the theology is not fair, and perhaps even dangerous, towards girls and women. 

Further, more and more Christian men are standing up against complementarianism and opening up about the condescending pressure that they have felt to “man up” and change their personalities to fit a human-made *American* doctrine that is only about 25 years old.~

Dec. 15th - I posted these words with a link to this article (written by one of Billly Graham's grandsons), called "Rebuking the Abused in the Name of Jesus."

this is the truth. it happens over and over and over again. in churches, in counseling sessions, in friendships and families. i sadly know this from experience. please believe what this is saying...and work to turn the tide. 

~Rebuke was the method the disciples used in attempting to keep the children away from Jesus. To rebuke means to criticize sharply or to turn back or keep down. When church leaders, or anyone else for that matter, criticize, turn away, or keep down abuse survivors, they are attempting to keep these brave souls away from the unconditional love of Jesus. Though such rebuke takes various forms, it is often justified by piously placing greater value upon the work of the church or its leaders than those who have been abused and traumatized. I have stopped counting the number of times survivors have shared with me about how they were rebuked after stepping out of the shadows to disclose being abused. In fact, many have experienced what I would call a progression of rebuke. The progression usually begins with a gentle admonishment not to talk too much about it, coupled with a rationale that the admonishment is for the “well being” of the survivor. When a gentle admonishment fails to do the trick, the next step is often a strongly worded admonishment intended to intimidate the survivor into silence. If the strongly worded admonishment doesn’t work, the abuse survivor will often be criticized and shamed by those who demand their silence. When all else fails, leaders may attempt to marginalize or ostracize the survivor hoping they will simply walk away into a silent abyss. The few who survive this toxic process find themselves re-traumatized and faced with the realization that the church is not the place to see Jesus or experience his love. What a grave tragedy on so many levels. 

Sometimes the rebuking of those who have been abused is more subtle, but no less damaging. For example, it’s not uncommon for church members to rally around perpetrators who claim innocence or express a hollow repentance as the victim is ignored or even sometimes vilified. I remember being at a conference years ago where hundreds of child sexual abuse prosecutors were asked about their observations of pastors who came to court in a supportive role. Sadly, over two-thirds of the audience reported that pastors appeared in court to support perpetrators, not victims. This type of rebuke is illustrated by a friend of mine who was sexually abused as a child by a well-known member of her church. Years later and after much counseling, my friend took the brave step forward and reported these crimes to the police. The perpetrator was eventually charged and convicted. When my friend arrived at the courthouse for the sentencing hearing, the pastor of the church whom she had known for years was sitting with the family of the perpetrator and never said a word to her the entire time. In fact, he never even acknowledged her. My friend was devastated. She found herself being rebuked by her pastor’s public support of the person who had been the source of so much deep pain in her life.~

Dec. 17th - I wrote these words with a link to this article, called "Fatherhood is a Call to Advocacy for Women."

i think most fathers love their daughters. but sadly, i think that most see them as 'less than' males. less rational, less wise, less capable, less steady, less strong. they see them as 'more' of the things that make people untrustworthy...more driven by emotions, more demanding, more controlling, more manipulative. 

and these ways that they see their daughters (and women in general) don't have to be based on any concrete evidence from that individual themselves...it is just based simply upon the fact that they were born female. sometimes they don't even realize it's there...yet when put to the test, there those beliefs are. 

what can Christian fathers (husbands/brothers/sons/friends) do about this? first this treatment has to be seen and acknowledged. then prayerfully empathy will form...and then they will be moved beyond empathy into action. 

~My dad wasn’t always an advocate for gender equality. He didn’t necessarily oppose it. Like many Christian fathers, he was raised in a family where male leadership was assumed and gender roles were at least loosely observed. A father of three daughters, my dad has always believed that I am the equal of men. But until a few years ago, he hadn’t yet stepped into my shoes as a woman in a world where that often means less than. 

When I laid my broken heart for women before my dad, he began to see the world through the eyes of women. He became an advocate. He made gender equality his fight too. 

Now, he speaks up when someone makes a gender-based joke or assumption. He pushes back at theology that diminishes women’s humanity and ability. He is eager to talk about women’s experiences around the world. And he leverages his privilege and position on women’s behalf. 

Your daughter will fight for a voice where yours is exercised freely. She will be silenced where you are celebrated for speaking up. She will have to argue for her dignity and her humanity where yours is assumed. She will long for permission to lead and teach where your same gifts have been welcomed and sought after for centuries. She will seek what you already have: a seat at the table. 

Being a father means recognizing that your daughter was born into a world that undermines her dignity, and then intentionally doing something about it.~

Dec. 18th -

"The truth is that no one can keep you captive. No one can keep you unhappy. No one can keep you abused. Our lives rise to the level we accept. I do believe we can rise from the screaming blood of our losses, of extreme pain, physically debilitating emotion, psychological neglect, and apathy, and not merely survive, but thrive. We do not need to let our histories or our losses define us except in the way we choose. We can use them as fuel to create real depth, beauty, connectedness, and compassion in our lives. Our stories can make us exceptional people, not damaged ones. If we choose to be truthful with ourselves. And if we choose to digest and release the pain rather than avoid it." —Jewel

Dec. 18th -

i can't get this out of my head. i've posted this...but i'm posting it again. it's just so powerful. and so very true. 

it's the consistent 'little' 'harmless,' 'silly' 'jokes' that she mentions that actually make the real impact in our lives. most of us have seen that Christmas picture that got so much attention (the women with duct tape on their mouths). those seemingly harmless things in reality are the things that train us up and teach us about ourselves. that teach us *who we are.* 

for instance, joking around about women being nags or talking too much teaches little boys that they can dismiss women...and teaches little girls that they might not be listened to or respected when she does talk. 

it's all fun and games until it's you that is hurt by it...or your daughter. don't be confused...i'm not talking about physical or sexual violence here...although obviously that is a danger. but...we should always only build each other up...no more tearing down. even in 'silly' 'jokes.' ‪#‎letsturnthetide‬

Dec. 20th - These words with this image...

That Oscar Wilde quote that says that women are meant to be loved, not understood...that's such rubbish. People are people, y'all...whether you're a male or female. This is the quote that needs to take over. And we should all strive for this with the people in our lives. Thank you, Ellen.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 76 - December on Facebook, 1}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Dec. 1st -

I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Dec. 1st -

my friend, cleveland brown (yes, that's his real name), just posted this. so sad but true. 

"Some people aren't loyal to you. They are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change so does their loyalty."

Dec. 1st - 

Dec. 2nd -

this is SO RIGHT ON!! 27 seconds, y'all. take less than 30 seconds and listen to this.

Vulnerability is...
"Being willing to express the truth, no matter what......" 

Love the rest of what she says too.

           

Dec. 2nd -

guilt vs. shame. we simply must learn the difference, y'all. 

i’ve caught SOOOO much flack over the past year about telling my story. so much. and so often, even when Joel has been *so* drowning in sin and i was *still* there forgiving him and giving him more chances…even then, i was being vilified. *even when joel himself* was speaking his heart about how he’d done wrong and voicing his regrets, still it was me that was targeted…and so many spoke out on his behalf, arguing with him and telling him not to give in to shame. 

wha?!? 

HUGE difference between guilt and shame. HUGE. i’ve spoken out about it many times before in the past few months. 

how do i know this stuff when VERY seasoned Christians…pastors and leaders and counselors and missionaries…*don’t* know this?!?!? they are so very confused on this issue!! sweet dear JESUS!! 

if pastors and leaders and counselors and missionaries don’t know this stuff, no WONDER the church is in such a horrible state! 

help us, Lord! 

**WE ARE ONLY AS LIBERATED AS OUR SECRETS**            

Dec. 3rd - I posted this because 1) we are swifties in this house from way back, and 2) I love what she had to say here...it speaks to what females are fed and taught.  Only one minute long.

Dec. 8th - I posted this article, called "Not All Comps," and these words.

that tagline ("At what point does defense of an idea become complicity in the abuses inherent to that ideology?")!! this man's words nail it. 

someone commented: "Thank you for saying it so well. The biggest Christian need today is not to feed the hungry or send somebody else on a missionary trip. The biggest and most ignored need today is to free Christian women from complementarianism, and to allow her the freedom in Christ that all Christians should have." 

the reply to that comment: "Which will empower them to do the very work you described above in a way that can actually change the world, speak into its brokenness."
funny he should say that. we *were* on the mission field. why are we no longer? **because of the abusive ideology of complementarianism.** 

this is a great article...and really tackles the whole 'but, not every complementarian is like that' argument. 

~Why does this keep happening? How can people hear the horror stories, see the damage, and still defend these men? 

The answer is fear. Fear of losing their grounding, fear of admitting complicity. Most importantly, fear that questioning the status quo will bring a quick descent into post-modernity and relativism. Fear that to question these teachings is to question the Gospel itself. 

Of course, they insist complementarianism is the clear teaching of Scripture and anyone who rejects this clear teaching is rejecting Scripture itself. When you question the inerrant teachings they put forth you cannot truly have a moral compass or come to God salvifically. After all, Jesus taught Inerrancy! 

As Christians, we are not called to defend the ideas of men. Paul confronts the Corinthian church because they had become disciples of men instead of disciples of Christ (1 Cor 1:10-17). They allowed certain persons to have primacy and privilege over others (1 Cor 8, 11:17-22). 

We must remember Jesus, in his death as the humble, emptied, crucified God exposes the plight of those oppressed, defies the power which denigrates, and opposes systems of discrimination and separation (1 Cor 1:18-31; Gal 3). The crucified cross of God calls us to take up his cause to uplift the oppressed and love all persons above ourselves (Phil 2:1-12; Luke 9:21-27; Matt 20:20-28, 25:31-46). 

Thus, when confronted by the hurt of others at the hands of abusive or discriminatory ideologies our response should not be to insert our own narrative by declaring “Not All Comps”. Instead, like the God who became human, we must immerse ourselves in the narrative of their suffering (Isa 52:13-53:12).~

Dec. 10th - I posted this article, called "Exorcism at Mars Hill:  One Woman's Story of Sex, Demons, and Mark Driscoll," and these words...

this is something that i've said several times before, but it bears repeating...things like this that i post, Joel and i have discussed thoroughly already. this is nothing that i'm saying 'against' him or anything. he sees things very differently now...because we've learned a lot about the belief system that we grew up with and how it is so detrimental. "not always" people may say. but, as an article i posted a couple of days ago asked... 

**At what point does defense of an idea become complicity in the abuses inherent to that ideology?** 

and it's true...abuse *is* inherent. if there are abuses that *regularly* happen within an ideology or theology, and from even the *leaders* of that ideology/theology...something is clearly wrong. 

and i share these things because there are many others that are in the same boat as we were...prescribing to a theology that has major potential to be, or already is in their lives, very destructive and detrimental...and are looking for a way out. they can relate to and learn from these things that i share. 

this interview hit SO close to home. some of the things she went through just exactly describe some of the things i went through. and all because i'm female. 

~“My husband was always pretty stubborn,” says Amy, “but Mark’s preaching made that part of his personality worse. He most definitely felt empowered by Mark to rule over me. I experienced that more and more the longer we were married. The church encouraged it.~ --> my husband isn't the stubborn type, but i could always tell when he had been 'advised' by his mentors...because he would step up the intensity and confidence that he was 'the boss' and he was 'in charge' and 'the head of the family'...and i just needed to follow. 

~During those talks (mini-counseling sessions) Amy often felt invisible. “Mostly because I was the wife,” she says, “a woman, the ‘weaker vessel.’ Because I was a woman, my opinions and complaints fell on deaf ears. But my husband’s opinions and complaints, however, were always heard. Any complaint he’d make, I was told that I needed to repent. Often I’d leave those sessions feeling depressed and angry, feeling like a child because I’d been reprimanded for not being an obedient wife.”~ 

this happened to me constantly!! you can read about one example of this in Part 39 of our story here…. i can so relate to this...this was my life. 

again, this is sadly a very, very common story. this is a picture of complementarianism. it, more often than not, leads to abuse in some form eventually. thank God we are done with that...and i pray that God continues to use me to help others see the reality of this damaging theology. 

Joel. Michawn. {Part 75 - November on Facebook, 4}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Nov. 27th -

Difficulties prepare ordinary people for extraordinary destinies. 

Nov. 27th - I posted this article, called "I Don't Want YOU To Work It Out...," and these words...

my marriage did not involve a sexual adulterous affair. but, it did involve a deep, deep betrayal. i was, and remain, the *faithful* spouse. i am married to the unfaithful spouse. 

true repentance involves true change. and when you don't have that, the betrayal just keeps going. without true change, it's impossible for that marriage to survive. the jury is still out on what will happen here. 

but, i love what this article says. i love this whole blog, regardless of the typos. the ball is in the court of the unfaithful spouse...the faithful spouse can only wait and see if the unfaithful spouse will choose the right things and act accordingly. yet, the sickeningly overwhelming majority of people don't see it that way. 

why is the jury still out here? because i'm still waiting to see if true change will come. it hasn't yet. i'm weary. 

pray for me. i have many decisions to make. and pray that the church as a whole will stop allowing and defending this kind of behavior that sees the faithful spouse as somehow able to turn the tide. the church, who ultimately blames the enemy for the breakdown of marriage, is so often the actual culprit for the failure of marriages.  

~I do not want a faithful spouse to work “it” out.
What I want to see is an adulterous spouse repent…then and only then is there a possibility of godly restoration in the marriage.~

Nov. 29th -

"Whenever I hear submission expounded from Ephesians 5 as a duty meant only for wives, there are two things I say, if possible. The first is that verse 21 is there and does not read this way: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, except husbands do not ever need to submit to their wives.” And second, using the same logic that supposedly exempts husbands from submitting, I point out that likewise wives do not need to love their husbands; loving is a job given to men. This is readily seen as absurd, of course, for in many other places we are told to love one another, which includes wives to their husbands! Mutual submission is God’s plan for us. Let’s practice it!" 

- W. M. Kwiatkowski 

‪#‎commonsense‬
‪#‎patriarchyiswrong‬
‪#‎complementarianismiswrong‬

A friend commented saying this...

In one of the best sermons I ever heard on submission, the pastor explained the word used there means "to come alongside." The picture is of SUPPORT, not so much obedience. That is a loving role, a helpmate role...and any marriage where the husband does not also do this for his wife (love and support) would be a nightmare.

To which I responded and elaborated more...

agreed. the original language supports this view of 'helpmate' vs. the view taught by complementarianism/patriarchy/traditionalists.  

~The phrase “helper suitable,” rendered “help meet” in the King James Version, comes from a combination of the words ezer and kenegdo. Far from connoting subjugation, the Hebrew term ezer, or “helper,” is employed elsewhere in Scripture to describe God, the consummate intervener—the helper of the fatherless (Psalm 10:14), King David’s helper and deliverer (Psalm 70:5), Israel’s shield and helper (Deuteronomy 33:29). Ezer appears twenty-one times in the Old Testament—twice in reference to the first woman, three times in reference to nations to whom Israel appealed for military support, and sixteen times in reference to God as the helper of Israel. The word evokes both benevolence and strength, and is a popular name for Jewish boys, both in the Bible and in modern times.  

In Genesis 2, ezer is combined with the word kenegdo to mean something like “a helper of the same nature,” or a corresponding character. Kenegdo literally means “as in front of him,” suggesting that the ezer of Genesis 2 is Adam’s perfect match, the yin to his yang, the water to his fire—you get the idea. Everything about this descriptor implies mutuality and harmony, and it provides us with a lovely glimpse of what a sinless relationship between a man and a woman might look like, the picture of a true partnership. This reality is reflected in Adam’s reaction to God’s creation of woman. He responds with “ishshah!” a play on words, which basically means, “Wow, this one is like me!” (Interesting note: The woman of the creation narrative is not called Eve until after the Fall.)~ -Rachel Held Evans (and many theologians i've read say the same) 

another author described it as God making the woman to be man's 'strongest ally in pursuing God's purposes and his first roadblock when he veers off course.' again, this same word that the KJV describes as 'helpmeet' is used to describe God... 

~God isn't a helpmeet in the watered-down milquetoast way we've taught or understood that word within our churches, is He? No, our God is more than that: He's a strong helper, a warrior.  

By naming His daughters after this aspect of His character, God did not name women as secondary helpmeet assistants. No, friend -- women were created and called out as warriors.  

You, sister -- did you know? You are a warrior, alongside brothers, on God's mission in the world. Brother, did you know? You have an ally; you aren't in this alone. And this calling of fellow warriors is not exclusive to husbands and wives in a marriage relationship; men and women together in the Kingdom of God are allies.~ -Sarah Bessey 

wouldn't it be great if all males and females viewed it like this? the world would be a much different place. our marriages would be much different. our churches would be much different. and...so much better all the way around. the Church and God's kingdom here on earth would have much more potential and be much more balanced and fit for His work. i believe things are changing. i hope a mighty revolution in this regard truly happens.

Nov. 29th -

this. is. HUGE. this is trust. this is what it means and what it involves. watch this. if everyone really knew this stuff, our world could be changed and would be SO much better.

           

And more specifically, marriages and families would change.  This is needed.  People need to know this.

As the video says, "Trust is built in very small moments."  Someone who remembers names, someone who attends funerals of your loved ones, someone who generally pays attention, someone who knows what is important to you, someone who is dependable to help out in a time of need, someone who is willing to admit when they need help or are wrong.

"Trust is built in the smallest of moments." --John Gottman, Ph.D.  Listen in this video about what he calls 'sliding door moments.'  Powerful.  These small moments go one of two ways...it's an opportunity to build trust, or an opportunity to betray.  "To choose to not connect when the opportunity is there is a betrayal."

In my own marriage, the opportunity to betray (in almost every way possible) has been taken consistently for the past 4+ years.  We have to learn the information in this video, and we have to teach our children, so that what has happened to me doesn't keep happening to people.

Trust - Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
Distrust - "What I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you."

If I have cut ties with you, it's because of that right there...you are not a safe and reliable person in my life.

Listen about the acronym B-R-A-V-I-N-G.  Take notes.  Learn it...live it.

Be a person of integrity...listen to that video to hear what integrity really is.

Let's change this world for the better. Because if we all lived trustworthy lives, this world would be a very different, much better place.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 74 - November on Facebook, 3}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Nov. 16th - I posted this article, called "Christian Community Doesn’t Require Our Blind Trust: Discernment and Judgment Must Come First." I only posted the link...no personal thoughts or excerpts.  The truth is...many Christian communities do require blind trust.  If you question...or even worse, actually suggest another alternative to something or other...you are a troublemaker who won't just go along with the flow.  You are seen as rebellious, out of God's will, led astray, backslidden, a Jezebel spirit, practicing heresy...there's a wide range of accusations that can come your way.  It's so very dangerous for the church to be like that...for many reasons.  This article goes into why.

Nov. 16th - I posted this article, called "Three Ways to Empower Your Daughter."  I loved the 3 things on this list.  So very good, so very true. Something that, sadly, probably 99% of the people in the world don't think of doing.  Btw, the saying on the image below is very, very true...although my interpretation of that is probably very different than James Dobson's interpretation.  As I am a female though...you should go with my version.  How does a man rise to the occasion in a daughter's life? Go read this article.

Nov. 17th -  A message Joel got from a 'friend.'

{EDITED for clarification: This is not a blood brother, you guys. Just a guy we know who calls Joel 'brother' at the end there. We aren't in contact with his family...really and truly this time.} 

when i say that true colors have been shown over the course of the last few years (and specifically the last year), this is what i'm talking about. just wow. message after message and comment after comment like this one. geez...we have kept company with some immature, uninformed 'friends'...that is all becoming clear through all of this. joel got the following after he posted something last night. looks like his friends list is next!! 

this is what is wrong with the church, people. and it is a HUGE problem!! this is from a *respected* family. ‪#‎soscary‬ 

surely i'm not the only one who thinks this is so very disrespectful. please let me know i'm not the only one. 

~Joel, have you been castrated since i last saw you? 

Man up. And become the man of your house hold. GOD has given you the role as the head of the house. Dont give into the lies, that the devil has crafted. Pick up a king james bible, and search out the raw words of God, and his will for mankind and his kingdom. 

Your wife is your helpmate, and God should be yours. Pursue him rather then your wife. And your wife will follow. 

Just speaking from my heart, which isnt perfect by any means... Love you Brother...~

Believe me...everyone assured me I was not the only one.  Lol.  Just wow.  Still can't get over this and so many other completely immature and rude (and backwards...because only uneducated people treat others that way; in Portuguese 'educado' means 'polite'...and that is truly reflective of truly educated people) communication we've gotten over these past few years.  Smh.

Here's a real kicker that I don't remember if I ever shared about the above message in particular.  The guy that sent that?  He's in his early 20s and has never been married.  Hasn't even ever had a girlfriend I don't think.  So, you know...that makes that message even more brazen.  A young 20-something yr. old sending an almost 40 year old man who's been married for 15 years this extremely brash and condescending message?  It would be bad enough from *anyone*...but add in that factor and wow.  Sadly though, these are the kinds of messages that we've gotten from very married and experienced people too...because it's learned as one of 'God's clear principles' (the message that says that wife is your helpmate and you are the leader, and you are emasculated if you're not living that way...not necessarily always the KJV message except in certain pockets, lol).  So while this particular isolated message could be taken as just young and stupid hubris and discarded, the truth is that that doesn't apply to all the other messages we've gotten like that.  :/  Seriously dumbfounding, no matter who it is from.  But, this one?  He's been trained and taught that he can speak to anyone rudely and disrespectfully who he perceives is 'defiling God's order of things.'  He's learned this well...it's been modeled for him.  Some of the other men in his family have sent us messages like this too.  And...the church as a whole models this kind of behavior.

Nov. 18th -

if you never listen to anything else i post, please listen to this...everyone.

Nov. 20th - LOVED this article, called "Famous Quotes, The Way a Woman Would Have to Say Them During a Meeting."  Still laughing (so ridiculously true and sad that it's laughable).

oh man...this is so right on!! lol and smh. (btw, it's not about jennifer lawrence...she's just referenced once) it happens very subtly. and you have to do this with some more than others. being kind is always a good thing. but, never again will i curb who i am, therefore how i say things, to fit a certain idea of what i should be. 

i *loved* the part of j-law's essay that said, "I’m over trying to find the 'adorable' way to state my opinion and still be likable! F^(% that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. It’s just heard." 

read the following. oh man...YES! this is how a woman has to speak. and it's ridiculous. praise God it's changing. that's *never* what He had in mind for His daughters!! 

excerpts: 

“Let my people go.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Pharaoh, listen, I totally hear where you’re coming from on this. I totally do. And I don’t want to butt in if you’ve come to a decision here, but, just, I have to say, would you consider that an argument for maybe releasing these people could conceivably have merit? Or is that already off the table?” 

“I came. I saw. I conquered.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I don’t want to toot my own horn here at all but I definitely have been to those places and was just honored to be a part of it as our team did such a wonderful job of conquering them.”

Nov. 21st - I posted this article, called "Farewell to the Missionary Hero," with these words...

Joel has a very important role within Asas de Socorro still as Operations Coordinator. he logs all the flights made and makes sure all of the billing is taken care of, among other things. he puts in many hours a week with this position. 

given all that has gone on in our marriage and the fact that we are still here in the u.s., that is often not known...that he still works within the mission organization. that he is, even practically speaking, a missionary. still. we should all be missionaries wherever we are...but, he does still even very technically and logistically play a vital role and hold major responsibility within our mission organization...is in constant communication with and is constantly working with them every day. 

regardless, do people still consider us 'missionaries?' 

as far as people's perceptions and expectations go, do people even still consider us 'Christians?' lol. 

and that's why i love this article sooooooo much. 

honesty is such a powerful thing. it is so needed in this world. even before we started talking honestly about details that were happening within our marriage, if i was honest at all just about 'struggling,' in my writings or talking with others, so often the answer was just 'well, you need to stay positive.' and that started being the normal rhetoric coming my way...that i was just being negative...i needed to be more positive. 

the problem with this is that i was not being negative...i was just being honest. 

facades and fronts have never been my forte. in fact, i've always run from them like the plague. just...gross. i can't deal. 

luckily for everyone else, up until the past few years, my life had seemed to be full of roses and rainbows in most ways. the parts that weren't, i didn't have to speak about them publicly. they weren't all-consuming...and could be left to the side or left altogether, no longer a part of my life. 

but once the roses and rainbows started being replaced with much, much darker things, God forbid i talk about it. that's too negative. honesty is great...unless it's crappy things we're being honest about. then just shut the hades up...nobody wants to hear that honesty. 

this article nails it. it talks about missionaries specifically, but this is an issue for *everyone*...and for *all* Christians. i LOVE that elisabeth elliot and isobel kuhn saw the importance of honesty...and even had books banned from bookstores because they were too 'honest' (read: 'negative'). "Some memoirists, free from the oversight of mission boards, permitted themselves greater honesty about their missions." *free from the oversight of mission boards*...that is a key phrase. 

"...missionaries still feel pressure to communicate in a certain way—one that leads churches and individuals to continue their financial support. Jamie Wright, who runs the popular blog Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, blames this dynamic on sending churches. She writes that missionaries can 'feel roped in to this wordplay because the church insists on overly spiritualized reports from missionaries whose work they don’t entirely understand.' Afraid of financial instability, missionaries downplay their struggles or just how mundane a lot of their work is." 

on amy carmichael: "...even at the turn of the century (the 20th century that is), Carmichael knew something had to change in the way we talked about missions. Now we have a chance to realize her vision." 

as i said, it's not just missionaries...although maybe i've had more criticism because i am/'was' one. but, this applies to everyone. *honesty*...it's the only way we ever grow and learn.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 73 - November on Facebook, 2}

Some elaborations on some of the things I've posted on Facebook...

Nov. 6th -

it's interesting that in complementarianism, a husband is the leader. 

except when he sins of course. then somehow it is the wife who has led him into that sin. it is the wife who is at fault. it was her that led him into that darkness. *she* tripped him up. poor husband. 

ugh. :/ 

Nov. 6th -

good stuff. being dragged back can be truly horrible, and completely unfair even, when it's out of your control. but, the outcome can ultimately be the same...a launching.

Nov. 8th -

fitting...

Nov. 9th - 

**grace says "NO" to sin.** not just your own...but others' sin as well. grace protects us.
throughout all of our mess, how many times have i heard 'you need to have more grace,' 'you need to give more grace,' 'you need to show more grace,' 'you just don't have any grace.' 

people who say that don't know Truth. they don't know their Word. 

i love what one of my former pastors said yesterday: 

~If Grace trains us to say “No” to ungodliness, then, BY ALL MEANS, preach MORE GRACE! Titus 2:12 ‪#‎gracemadeaway‬~ 

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness... 

thank God for HIS kind of grace...not manmade definitions. <3 blockquote="" nbsp="">Nov. 10th - I shared a Facebook post that Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love author) had written that day.  It was great.  If you can't see her Facebook post, here is an article talking about it which includes most of her original post.  This is what I said about it...

i think most of us know this, at least to a certain degree. i knew it...but the rubber had never met the road in my life like it has recently. i had put this into practice before, but not in huge ways like now. sometimes, life calls for 'huge.' you might be struggling to make those huge steps in your life...but please know that sometimes the huge things are *needed* and on the other side of 'ripping off the bandaid,' you find life and peace. 

in my own life, people have accused me of only wanting people in my life who agree with me. but, that's not it at all. it's not about agreeing. it's about being a supporting, loving person...not someone who agrees with everything someone says or thinks. people who will love you and support you and come to your rescue whether they agree or not... it's about surrounding yourself with THOSE kinds of people. you have to! otherwise, you are just constantly fighting for your life in one way or another. and you are slowly dying that way. 

some people truly don't know how to do that...be loving and supportive when they don't agree...but, it is definitely possible. the people who don't know how?...you can have people in your life like that for just so long...people who drain the life out of you. and then, you have to let those relationships go. for your own good. 

don't be afraid to do just that. it's not your burden to carry...to try to reach them, to try to help them understand, to just 'take it' for the greater good. some people will never 'get it.' i urge you...take care of yourself!

Nov. 13th -

It's things like this that might seem small. Might even sound good. But it can wreak havoc on our families. 

Husbands were never meant to be the wife's pastor. Ever. 

Ever. 

When I see something like this, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Nov. 15th - I posted this article called "Standing Up For Our Sisters at the Men's Retreat," and these words...

this is sooooo good. and so important to read and really understand. we all have to realize, almost no matter the topic... 

*there is no neutral.* 

~...[do] not shrink back from conflict with the forces of darkness, as if the battle will pass safely over if we simply lie low. There is no neutral. We’re in this battle whether we like it or not, and we must stand up for what is right or we will simply let darkness descend. 

Because here is the deal, guys: Left unchallenged, things like that enforce the patriarchal darkness left to us by the fall.~

We all need to 1) empathize with others, and 2) stand up to do our parts when it comes to injustice of any sort.  Men...you have to see things for what they really are, imagine yourself in those same shoes, and imagine how you would feel (empathy)...then there would be no stopping you from joining in and fighting tooth and nail for your sisters.

That is happening more and more.  I'm part of a group with some seriously incredible men.  Men who are the way I described in the previous paragraph.  I wish I had been raised by and around men like that.  I wish I knew men like that in real life.  ...Maybe someday.

More next time.