Joel. Michawn. {Part 10 - More of the Timeline}

Today is our anniversary.  I have very mixed feelings about days like today now.  A feeling of disgust is what rises to the top to be honest.  It's all...tainted now.  "I love you" he says.  But, really?  Really do you love someone and treat them this way?  Is that what love looks like?  We're not talking about leaving the toilet seat up...we're talking about years of mistreatment here.  Years.  And while we have learned the source of that mistreatment (to an extent), he's still the one who did it.  And while he's repentant, it's not something that easily gets worked through.  Not only do effects of that mistreatment still exist, but also remnants of the attitudes and beliefs that brought about that mistreatment.  There's a lot to work through.  And so...it's tainted.  As we move forward and continue to go toward the light in this and away from the darkness, will that taintedness fade?  I sure hope so.  That is definitely the goal.  But for now...tainted.  Happy tainted anniversary. 

In the last post we started to go through basically a timeline of what happened.  We left off with June 2013.  Today we pick back up. 

Please remember Joel's post...and that he's already admitted to all of this.  Knowing what he knows now, it is painful for him to revisit this...and he is appalled by his actions.  This isn't me badmouthing him.  This is just us elaborating on the details...so that a clear picture of what happened can be seen...and then deeper things that we've learned from all of this can be discussed in the very near future.  Again though...don't despise the set up.  This part is needed.

It gives you a clear picture of what happened.  It also gives you a very clear picture of how incredibly hard this all was for me...and I was in it all alone.  Completely alone.  Hard stuff.

This is all a slightly revised (to protect others) version of part of a timeline I was asked to write out for a counselor (the 3rd one we tried).  The timeline was written in March 2014.

July 2013 - Just a lot of strain.  We hadn’t been working as a team (which was such an odd feeling and odd thing since we had been such a very strong unified team before all of this) for over a year at this point.  But, now we were also just no longer friends at all.  We went on a little weekend trip with my mom and brothers, their wives, and our nephew (that I wasn’t really loving the idea of given our circumstances, but it was something that I had told Joel for years that I wish could happen someday…that I’d love to get to know my sisters-in-law better and it had been since my baby brother was a toddler since we’d taken a family vacation…and he was now 21 years old).  So, although it involved a short drive and suitcases, it was still relatively close and not super taxing (my mom had made all arrangements for where we would stay, it was comfortable and a fun, relaxing weekend…not stressing)…so we agreed to go.  The weekend was full of us just kind of avoiding each other…and many times when he could’ve stepped up and again, tried to be a protecting, caring husband to me, but he did not.  At one point, he stayed at the condo to put the kids down for the night while I went grocery shopping by myself.  He was supposed to stay up and wait for my text that I was back (as everyone else was asleep already) and then come help me get things in.  Instead of being alert for me, he fell asleep and his phone dropped on the floor (and no, this wasn't just an accident...this was the pattern).  And I was left in the dark, lonely, someone-could-grab-me-and-rape-me-and-kill-me parking lot to unload the car and make my way up to the room.  Just another example of him not coming through for me.  Of course, he said ‘I’m sorry’ later (the next morning when he finally woke up), but he says that a lot…and nothing ever changes.  So, it doesn’t mean much.  

Since things had been so bad for so long, we thought of counseling of course.  But for a long while, there was just nobody anywhere around that we knew of for that.  Finally I remembered a man we had met that might could fit the bill.  I was, at that time, a mix of very fragile and very done.  I knew that this man would be kind and gentle.  So, at the end of July, we started seeing him.  He’s a pastor…not a certified counselor/therapist.  But, he had had tons of experience.    

August 2013 - Yet by mid-August, he had told us that unfortunately, he really had no idea what to do with us.  He focused mainly on the travel…and how Joel didn’t need to mention travel to me.  And also pressured me to give him a time of when Joel could start asking me to travel again…which of course, I had no idea how long it would take to heal.  I’m no counselor of course, but all of that is just focusing on the symptoms.  It wasn’t about the travel alone.  It was about my husband’s lack of willingness to lay that aside for the sake of his struggling wife and family.  And the attitude and heart that came with that (Joel's lack of the heart of a warrior husband protecting his wounded wife).  That was never addressed…just treating the symptom of travel with a prescription of No Travel.

So we left him and we tried another person…a licensed counselor who is a part of a Christian counseling center.  This lady was not kind.  She treated me like I was a loser and told me some of my actions and some of the things I hold very dear ‘seemed silly’ (her words…actual quote) within the first 10 minutes.  I found out later that Joel had sent her an email before we went that majorly tainted her view of me (although she shouldn’t have let it).  So, we never went back to her.  I came home, showered, crawled up in my bed and cried…and knew that I would not ‘put myself out there’ with another just random counselor that either didn’t know us from Adam and didn’t care about us, or didn’t come highly recommended by someone we know for our specific situation.

Also, later in August, Joel supposedly got a revelation through a dream about us…he woke me up crying and just wanted to hold me and was saying that he was so sorry…that he understood, etc.  It was time to send out another newsletter, so we included the good news about the turn of events in our newsletter (Joel’s life-altering revelation dream; we weren’t completely forthcoming in our newsletter…but people knew we had had a rough year or two already, and with this newsletter, we let them know that that included some marital issues).  And we were friends again for a while.  But it was soon apparent that that ‘revelation’ wasn’t quite life-altering after all.  He told me later that that dream didn’t tell him anything specific…but that he had just lost me in his dream and he woke up knowing that he didn’t want to lose me in real life.  But apparently he didn’t want that enough to start listening to me, believing me, taking care of me, and protecting me.  Because he didn’t start doing any of those things.  

September 2013 -  Again he asked me about traveling to that training that we’re supposed to go to.  He would say to that, ‘Well, people are asking…and I have to give them an answer.’  To which I would say, ‘Yes, you should give them an answer.  You should say what you should’ve said at the beginning of the summer of 2012…that we have no answers, that we won’t be traveling or speaking at churches or visiting, that we won’t know our future plans until we have had a time of rest and recovery, healing and refocusing on our family for a time.’ Also, at the beginning of Sept., about a week after he said he had had that revelation, he started prodding me…’we have to talk…we need to make some plans for our future.’  ?!?  Again, his excuse was that people were asking.  And I’m sure they were, esp. given the fact that we had been in the states for over a year at that point.  But, the problem was that nothing (except the physical acquiring of our house) had been accomplished.  What should have been accomplished (our recovery) within that first year or less of our time in the states hadn’t even been believed to have been a need in my husband’s eyes.  We were far from making any kinds of decisions about the future.  And he needed to be honest about that.  First things first. 

October 2013 - After August, we were on again/off again friends again.  We were still hanging out sometimes just doing fun things…going to a movie, eating out, watching something on TV.  These times were definitely fewer and fewer as time went on, but they were happening a bit in the fall.  When he said things like ‘I want to take care of you…I just don’t know what you’re wanting, how you see that being’ I have always answered the same way…and it really just kind of boils down to being a team again…working as a team (which includes listening to each other, believing each other, taking care of each other, and protecting each other).  When you see your team member down and hurt, you don’t just ignore them and keep playing the game.  The game is stopped…you stop.  And you go see about your teammate.  You help them in any way you can.  You work together…you are in sync.  We used to be a championship team…and now we’re not a team at all. 

That was illustrated in real life very well in October at my daughter’s birthday party.  I’m usually in charge of the bulk of the birthday party, as most moms are.  I ask the child what they want as far as theme and then we come up with fun things to do around that.  Joel has no responsibilities except to help me whenever I need it.  Usually his part is games, but we weren’t doing games this time, we were making birdfeeders and painting birdhouses.  So I had gotten everything together (big chore) and was going to show and explain to the kids what to do, while Joel passed things out and distributed supplies/paint, etc.  Yet both times, he was not there.  He wasn’t up and ready, willing to help.  He was sitting down on the side, and made it very evident that he was irritated that he had to get up to help me when I asked him to come help.  I had to call him each time I needed him…he wasn’t there, actively participating with me, being a team player like he usually is at the birthday parties.  And he was annoyed when I asked him to be.  Later when the party was winding down, a swarm of yellow jackets started getting all over the food.  I started taking things in the house and asked Joel if he could help me.  Instead of just helping to get it all in really quickly, he argued with me saying that it was fine…’why do we have to take it in, it’s fine.’ Lots of resistance, and no teamwork.  Not at all what our parties have always been like, otherwise I wouldn’t think anything of it.  And Joel thinks that I made a mountain out of a molehill about this.  He says that I wouldn’t used to have gotten mad about this.  But, not true…this would’ve made me mad had he done it before…but he didn’t.  Our birthday parties have always flowed so well and were not stressful because we worked as a team.  Not this time.  He was totally uninterested in the party and in helping me.  Besides all of that, because of all that has happened in the past couple of years (and has not stopped), I and our marriage are already in a fragile state.  In order to remedy that, he should be even more attentive and more eager to help.  Yet he is less.  It was a relatively small occurrence within the setting of a relatively small event (a birthday party) that just gave a clear picture of what our marriage has turned into in the big scheme of things. 

November 2013 - He asked about traveling again…to spend a few weeks with his family.  He even threatened to just take the kids and leave.  He didn’t understand why on earth that would bother me…for him and the kids to go.  If I didn’t want to travel, fine…he would go with the kids and spend Thanksgiving with his family.  Again…absolutely not getting it.  This continued all of November.

December 2013 - We found out we were pregnant the first weekend of December.  It was a weird time because we were super happy about the baby, but also just in a yucky place in our marriage/life.  But…we had to pull it together…because we had to return to Brazil by the summer so baby could be born in Brazil (all for reasons concerning birthing options and preferring my doctor there in Brazil…weird I know, considering the C-section rate in Brazil…but it’s true).

I started spotting on Christmas day…just a tiny bit of blood, but enough to really concern me of course.  The day after Christmas, we went for an ultrasound to see if baby was still alive (I was 7 ½ weeks along at that point).  On the way to see if our baby was dead or not, right before we were there, right as I was my most anxious of course, Joel brought up and wanted to discuss our plans for our trip to Brazil in February.  Completely and totally insensitive and ridiculous.  I was appalled.  And another ‘cord‘ broke (the cords tying our hearts together…there weren’t many left at this point).  Baby was still alive…and all looked normal.

January 2014 - I had been working on revamping our homeschool all of December and until mid-January.  A TON of work and research on my part.  Totally new homeschool curriculum that I had to put together myself.  And I was so excited to start it the 3^rd week of January.  We started that Monday…and Monday and Tuesday were awesome!  Loved being back in the swing of things.  The kids were excited.  I was excited.  That Wednesday was a scheduled day off of homeschool…and I went to see my midwife for the first time (I was 11 weeks 2 days at this point).  I found out that afternoon that there was no longer a heartbeat.  According to measurements, it looked as if baby had actually died around 8 ½ weeks…although medically I was still considered to be having a miscarriage at 11 weeks 2 days…almost 2^nd trimester.  There’s more risk the further along you are.

I texted Joel to let him know.  And luckily I texted him right back to tell him not to tell anyone…because he was about to tell the kids.  WITHOUT me.  Another cord broken.


I began the process of physically miscarrying the baby and remains of the pregnancy the next day, a Thursday…started bleeding.  By the weekend I was also cramping pretty hard.  On Monday afternoon the cramps got worse and worse and then late afternoon/early evening I literally spent over 2 hours in actual labor (although the physical pain was much, much worse than any labors of my live children were…and I have homebirths…no pain medication at all), finally giving birth to a completely intact sac.  Everything about it was just like a normal labor and delivery (except the pain…much worse and completely constant…no breaks between contractions, just one long contraction)…I threw up right before I knew it was time to push, I got in very warm water when it was time, I felt the urge to push, etc….just like my other births.  I had just, very literally, given birth.  I was weak and shaky afterward…I got my shower and lay down on my bed.  I had endured over 2 hours of excruciating pain (seriously like nothing I’ve ever experienced), plus days of cramps…I had just given birth to the remains of my baby and was exhausted.  Joel was there for the very last part of it.  He helped me some.  So he knew what it had been like.  About an hour after I lay down, he came in and asked me if I could put the kids down for the night while he took a shower.  Wow.  Another cord.  

I kept the remains so that I could show the kids…I’m huge on being very honest with my kids (on their level of course) and educating them…teaching them about life and death, plus the miracle of biology and life that can be seen in the gift of the remains we had (I got to show them the sac and how it has more than one layer so as to protect baby, etc. etc.; did you know that I’m also a childbirth educator…so of course that plus being a nurse plus just a driving need to be honest and open...it was a neat thing to experience with them).  Plus…for them to see where the baby that had died had lived…might afford some closure for them.  Not that they were needing it necessarily, but I wanted to give them as much information and opportunity for closure as possible…and they really enjoyed looking at it all and even picking it up and exploring it with their fingers.  After we got done, I just impromptu said something about burying the remains with the kids outside.  Joel just made a face and said that he’d prefer to just put it in the trash.  Another cord.  The kids and I went outside (Joel followed).  I was glad to have remains from this miscarriage…even more symbolic closure (like a funeral) and treating it more like the death of an actual person, as it was…instead of flushing the remains down the toilet or putting it in the trash or something.  

Another thing that happened was that before we found out about baby and the miscarriage, we had scheduled our son’s birthday party for Feb. 1^st at the nearest Chuck E. Cheese (an hour and a half away).  As I had just gone through birth that Monday, had buried the remains of our baby on Wednesday, and was still recovering physically, I decided that that Saturday was not a good day to try to have a birthday party.  Birthday parties take a TON out of you even when everything has been peachy king for months/years on end.  Things had been far from peachy king, for years.  But, just that week I had had an almost 2nd trimester miscarriage!!  That frustrated Joel...that I wanted to postpone the party.  Why couldn’t we still have it?, Joel asked (like he had anything to do with it in the first place...it's not like he was going to get a gift and make sure all Grady's little friends knew about it and get a cake and party favors, etc. etc. etc.).  Wasn’t it (the miscarriage) all done?, he asked.  (flashback to April 2011...2nd miscarriage when he had asked the same sort of question)  Another cord.    

February 2014 - I gave birth to our deceased baby on January 27^th.  We buried it on the 29^th.  I was scheduled to go back to the midwife to check things out on the 5^th of February…to see if everything had cleared out on its own, or if I would need a D&C (surgery to remove any possible remains that might be left in my uterus).  Joel, however, was scheduled to leave on the 4^th to go to Brazil for 2 ½ weeks (the time had come that we had to move all of our things out of our rental house and turn it over to the owner).  Before the miscarriage, I also was scheduled to go to Brazil in February…to meet him down there for a few days, to get housing ironed out for when we would be going back in the summer in order to have this baby in August.  When I found out that there was no heartbeat, I just immediately knew that it would change the traveling plans.  That I probably wouldn’t be going at all…and that Joel would postpone.  To my shock and disbelief, Joel had no such plans to postpone his trip.  Hadn’t even crossed his mind.  I had literally given birth to our dead baby a week before on the 12 week marker.  I hadn’t even stopped bleeding yet.  Didn’t know whether I’d need surgery or not.  And he was planning to leave the country.  He fought with me and resisted changing his dates…then wanted to just postpone leaving 2 days later.  I was just beginning the physical recovery, with so many questions up in the air, and he was griping about having to change his traveling plans.  That was something that he was supposed to do, on his own accord.  He should’ve seen his wife, who had already been struggling with no help for years now, who was at the height of struggle now, and said, ‘yeah…there’s no way I’m going to Brazil right now.  I’ll postpone my trip until I know that my wife is all better physically.” None of that. 

And that was really just the last cord.   

We'll discuss more information that was sent to counselors next time...and lead into how it came to be that we lived apart last summer.  

Joel. Michawn. {Part 9 - The Beginning of the End}

Before we approached the subjects of egalitarianism/complementarianism, counsel, and what the church looks like in all of this, in Part 5 (the post about yokes) I had gotten to a certain part in the story of what happened to Joel and me.  I'm going to pick back up there now.  You can go back to that post and review if you don't remember the details.

We talked about how the last year in Brazil was really hard and we (I esp.) were in dire need of a break...a recovery time...a respite.  Then we got back to the states (May 2012) and that was not even almost a possibility for the first 6 months.  We finally got into a house of our own in October and were able to start unpacking our suitcases for the first time since the previous May (that's right...May - October living out of suitcases).  I thought that we were going to do the work of getting the house set up (which meant finding the furniture we needed through garage sales, etc. and pulling stuff out of storage)...a LOT of work.  Then we'd also be going through the holidays (which included going to all of the special events that we could, as this would be our one Thanksgiving and Christmas here for a few more years).  Then...finally I was hoping sometime in January (2013) we would be able to come back to 'normal human' pace...and even finally get our DOWN TIME so that we could recover and heal.  Which was even more needed now given the May 2012 - December 2012 of complete and utter chaos and craziness.  Oh how my soul needed healing.  Oh how my body needed healing. 

And here's where we pick up with more of the story.

Please remember Joel's post...and that he's already admitted to all of this.  Knowing what he knows now, it is painful for him to revisit this...and he is appalled by his actions.  This isn't me badmouthing him.  This is just us elaborating on the details...so that a clear picture of what happened can be seen...and then deeper things that we've learned from all of this can be discussed in the very near future.  Again though...don't despise the set up.  This part is needed.

This is a slightly revised (to protect the names of others) version of part of a timeline I was asked to write out for a counselor (the 3rd one we tried).  The timeline was written in March 2014.

January 2013 - We had no major plans until April.  I was excited about the 3 months that I hoped would be some down time for us.  We continued to work on the house, but lots had been done and it was live-able now.  I hoped to get back to homeschooling the kids, getting back on track with health…just generally settling in to our house and our lives a bit.  Those hopes were quickly dashed.  1) Joel scheduled to speak at two churches without talking to me about it first.  And a change of plans also came up…2) instead of going to a conference in Florida in April, he asked if we could go in February instead.  I reluctantly said ok.  3) Then someone called and asked if we could go to a missions conference (again requiring packing up and staying somewhere else) also in February.  And thus, my excitement about our three months of downtime was gone. 

February 2013 - Prep for travel, travel (when you have 4 small children, travel is never just this simple ‘throw some clothes in a bag and go’…esp. for the mother who actually does all the planning and packing, etc.), a few days of recovery and trying to get back into a routine after travel…and that was our February. 

March 2013 - We got settled into a good routine.  Health-wise (eating right and exercising) we had a whopping three good weeks.  Smh, lol...ridiculous that that was something to get excited about...that that was the longest amount of down time we had.  During those three weeks though, there were still things coming at me…we started receiving emails from others at the beginning of March about our travel plans for April.  But, I just ignored those emails and let Joel handle that…I had to.  Also, Joel told me that he had gotten a revelation about us and that things were going to change (they didn’t).

April 2013 - We drove from Louisiana to Pennsylvania to visit family and participate in a family member’s wedding.  Although it is always great to see family, it was a completely miserable trip.  Partly because Joel and I were no longer functioning as a team…and hadn’t been for a long time.  Partly because of the living arrangements while there.  Partly because of the transition times while there (the trip involved ‘a move’ in the middle…just more hassle).  Not to mention the 24 hour driving time, each way.  Just incredibly exhausting to an already exhausted and pushed-to-the-limit family.  Has travel always been that way?  No.  Obviously not.  But, at this point, with all of the stressful things that had happened in our lives in the past year and a half at that point (since the summer of 2011 in Brazil), and all the stress and ‘uncaringness’ I was feeling from my husband at that point…it was exhausting to make a trip like this. 

May 2013 - We got back from that trip and knew that ‘no more’…we could NOT travel anymore, we HAD to have some down time.  Because of how miserable the trip to PA had been, Joel was starting to finally realize that something had to be done differently.  And May was pretty uneventful as far as Joel pushing us to do things.  But, May did bring something else.  We got called about a set of 2 year old triplets who needed a home urgently.  This brought along two things with it…1) sadness and more anger about our situation…if we weren’t in the situation we were in (because of some major root issues deeply rooted in Joel)…if we had just been able to retreat and recover/heal and then move on, we would’ve been back in Brazil by then.  And those triplets would have been a perfect addition to our family.  2) re-evaluation.  Although stressful and not perfect timing it seemed…were these babies worth it to return to Brazil ASAP to rescue?  Could we turn things around for their sake?  We ultimately pursued it, but they needed more ‘urgency’ than we could provide, even though we were talking about packing up ASAP and heading back the following week.  It was just another sad blow though.  We missed out, on TRIPLETS, because we were here, stuck in our crap. 

June 2013 - Joel asked me about going to a training that we need to go to (interesting how just the month before we had finally seen and realized that traveling was NOT good for us anymore...that we NEEDED some down time; but, here it was happening again).  This training happens every few months…and each and every time, Joel brings it up and asks me if we can travel to go to it…no matter what is going on with us.  Again…non-stop.  No retreat allowed. 

Also in June, Joel had a training that he really wanted to go to.  I practically begged him to not go.  He went anyway.  He just left.  That had never happened in our marriage…where one of us just does something even though the other person doesn’t comply (he had bought plane tickets to that other big event secretly and planned to do that, but he hadn’t in the end; and he had planned visits/speaking to churches that winter without asking me, but that didn’t involve him leaving).  He left.  Something happened in me after that.  And we were no longer friends.

And this is when things started to really change.  We were about a year and a half in...and it had been over a year since we had come back to the states.  This is when I finally came to the realization that this wasn't something that Joel was just going to 'snap out of.'  This was something that would require a miracle to fix. 

Next time we will continue with the timeline. 

Joel. Michawn. {Part 8 - Burdens}

Joel wrote his post.  And you might not ever hear from him here again to be honest.  For him to write that post was not fun at all.  And it might surprise you to know that it was not because of the subject matter…but because it involved writing.  Ha.  He hates to write.  It’s not his thing.  It takes him forever and as he says, “he’s not the wordsmith of the family.”  Writing for him is like pulling his own teeth.  Kind of like making up fictional bedtime stories is for me.  I am seriously horrible at that.  Ugh.  I hate it.  lol.  But he’s great at that.  So guess what?  He’s the storyteller in the family.  I’m the writer. 

We all have our things…our own set of limitations.  And, our own set of gifts and talents.  But, I just wanted to let you know that even though Joel might not appear here and might not write himself (and is hardly ever present on any social media ever…just not his thing), he reads everything I write, we discuss it, and he agrees and approves before I ever publish anything.  Just thought I’d throw that in here to reassure you that this isn’t just a ‘me’ series, even though it’s mostly me doing the actual writing.  What I’m writing about is our experience…our actions and thoughts and ideas and beliefs…mine and Joel’s. 

My last post struck quite the chord (it also provides links to all parts of this series).  So many people can relate to struggles in life…and even more specifically, marital struggles in particular.  I mean, of course it’s hard to live with another person who was raised in another family and with other ways of thinking about things and doing things, etc.  So…that’s every marriage.  Then there are the marriages where something major has happened.  Some kind of major upheaval.  Some kind of major shift.  Some kind of trauma…or a series of seemingly never-ending traumas.  Even abuse in some cases.  Those are the marriages like ours.  In fact, we’ve experienced all four of those in the past 3 years…major upheaval, major shift, the never-ending traumas, and, yes…let’s just say it…abuse.

The abuse I’m speaking of is not physical.  And it wasn’t even necessarily intentionally done, but was deemed correct based on a set of beliefs.  But...the abuse that occurred was very real and was a result of a belief system that puts one person in power…and leaves the other with none. 

That might seem quite extreme for us to say.  Some of you might feel very uncomfortable with that sort of language being assigned to what happened.  Some of you might think, ‘Now that’s just taking it a little too far.  Get a grip.  Get over yourself.’

I can tell you very honestly and with all past events in my life proving my case that…I am absolutely not a person who makes mountains out of molehills.  I’m the one who tries to do the opposite…making molehills out of mountains.  So, when I say these things, I am not exaggerating.  You will learn this as we move forward in our story, the extent of which will depend on what specifics I choose to divulge.  But, I am not making more of it than should be made, I promise.  I am being honest. 

So…many of you can relate…to at least some of these specific things…and definitely to just struggles in marriage in general. 

I heard from many of you…many of you sending very sweet encouraging words of how God has done a miracle in your own marriage.  Some of you who are still holding on.  Some of you focusing on another subject…the specific subject brought up in the last post...the subject of others…the subject of the church at large in times like these. 

One friend sent a very stirring message that I completely related to.  She also happens to be a fellow missionary.  And has sadly experienced these things she speaks of firsthand recently.  Some of the things she said were just so very true…

"It's so upsetting to be so disappointed with those you call your good friends or wise counsel.”

"As if people aren't already going through enough to then have insensitive others making more issues.”

"...it feels worse when those people you chose to trust don't help things. And for some people this makes them want to keep everything more private for longer.”

And that's what I want to talk more about today.  I agree wholeheartedly with these things she said…and I have no anger.  But, I do have just a real and sobering realization of what people are really like, what the church is really like, how the world really works. 

But…the TRUTH is that we’re supposed to bear each other’s burdens.  Is that not the case?  Yet, I don’t see that really happening in the church at large.  People (and surprisingly, oftentimes the people closest to you) get very uncomfortable with people with problems.  People get very uncomfortable with people who have struggles…esp. for a long extended period of time.  Or, in some cases, they just get impatient.  It’s hard for the church (that is, the people of the church…your brothers and sisters) to hang in there with those people sometimes…even though all that is needed is an email every now and then to say, ‘hey…we see you, we are praying for you, we don’t want to come off as nosy, but we want you to know that we always care…please feel free to talk to me about anything anytime…no matter what it is, i won’t be judge-y…if you don’t want to talk, i understand…but know that i’m fighting for and with you in prayer.’

One of the things I’ve heard as an explanation as to why people don’t reach out to others is that they are so overwhelmed with their own junk.  They are, themselves, going through a very hard time…and they don’t feel like they can help anyone else.  They don’t feel like they have anything to give. 

To that I say again…’bear each other’s burdens.’  Bear each other’s burdens.  That’s what it says.  It doesn’t say, ‘Be sure to wait until you don’t have any burdens…then you can help to bear someone else’s burdens.’  That is a lie our culture has bought into.  And that has to stop.

I didn’t share anything with anybody for over a year that this was all going on.  Because I thought sure there would, in the end, be nothing ongoing to share.  I thought sure that Joel just wasn’t ‘getting it’ (how he was prioritizing everything else over me…how he was using his ‘power’ to oppress, etc.) and that one day soon it would just click and all make sense for him.  And it would stop.  And we'd move forward...and share about the craziness that had happened, but not be too damaged by it.  It would just be a big bump in the road that caused us to be slowed down a bit, but not the huge cavern that it actually did turn into that caused us to completely halt.  I thought that one day soon it would click for him and it'd be over and we'd move on.  But, that one day soon never came.  So, after over a year had passed (a year and a half actually), I began to open up to some of the people who had reached out to me.  Four people in fact…and only these four.  This was before we had even sent out our newsletter that told everyone that we were having struggles and in marriage counseling (we sent that out in Aug. 2013). 

Of these four who had reached out to me and who I confided in…three of them had ‘been there’ in one way or another. 

One in particular was (and is) still in the thick of it...and has been for longer than me.  Yet, she reached out. 

I get not feeling like you can reach out to someone you hardly know when you are overwhelmed with your own problems.  You don’t quite have the energy to be dealing with your own junk and get to know someone completely new to try to help and encourage them too.  Getting to know someone new can take a lot of energy.  Sometimes God might call you to do that…but, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

To hear that someone you have an already deep and profound relationship with…a real heart friendship…someone you have a real history with...to hear that they are having trouble and not reach out (in a non-judgey, helpful way)?  How can that be? 

You might be walking through the most damaging circumstances of your life, the hardest of times, the most confusing and horrible that you could ever imagine.  But...you are still called to love (that is, show love, be love).  You are still called to reach out to your friends.  You are still called to bear each other’s burdens.

And not only for others’ sake…for yours too. 

There have been countless times during these three long years that I reached out to someone, a friend, who I heard was hurting.  Why?  Yes, because we’re to bear each other’s burdens.  And yes, because that’s the way this whole ‘family of God’ thing is supposed to work.  And yes, because that’s what friendship means.  But also...because it helps me. 

Almost all of us are hurting and disappointed and damaged/being damaged in one way or another.  Bearing each other’s burdens makes us stronger.  We can build each other up.  We can help each other with what we may have learned in our ongoing process…we can get help from someone further down the road than us. 

I’m not talking about a whinefest…at ALL.  I’m just talking about sharing our stories with one another…maybe not the whole world wide web like we’re doing.  But bearing each other’s burdens with a close friend…hearing of someone who is hurting and meeting them, no matter what is going on in your own life.  ‘Misery loves company’…that’s often a phrase used in a negative way.  But, it’s true…and can be seen in a positive light.  Again, not in order to moan and complain and have pity parties.  But, to encourage each other, to build each other up, to spur each other on towards good things and help and hope. 

And just to clarify…bearing each other’s burdens does not at all look like what Job’s friends did.  Not at all.  And we’ll talk about the subject of passing judgment very soon.  Because, for many, just as my friend said…it keeps them silent, so bearing each other’s burdens is not a possibility for them.  We’ll talk more about that soon though.

But...let’s do better at this ‘bearing each other’s burdens’ thing, shall we?  The church needs definite reform in that area.  We know better.  Let's do better.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 7 - Exhaustion}

If you are new to this blog series and want to catch up, here are the links to see the first few posts: 

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

We'll continue the discussion from last time later...although there wasn't much of a 'discussion'...apparently people either don't have an opinion about that subject, or they wouldn't touch it with a 10 ft. pole.  Very interesting.  I posted that and...*crickets.*

But, today's blog post...

While I'm glad that Joel and I are back together...and while I'm grateful for all that we've learned, and are learning, through all of this...I would give up all of this "learnin'" in a heartbeat.  We're praying that it behooves us in the end...things like this usually do...and in mighty ways no less.  But, for now...it's been a tough, hard road.  Esp. for me.  Not to make light of any heartache that Joel has experienced, but when you are already down on the ground in the dirt, shaken, needing rest and relief and support (as I was when we arrived back in the United States), and then what comes next is not being helped but being hurt over and over, for literally years after that...it's pretty life-changing. 

Even since September 1st when we came back together, y'all...it's been just excruciating.  Of course there is the marriage to work out.  But, there has been MUCH opposition since Sept. 1st.  From family members.  From pastors.  From people who, because of our line of work, and because they have supported us in one way or another, think that they have an open door to speak whatever it is that they feel they need to speak to us...what they think we're doing wrong, how we're 'sinning,' etc.  That means that, since Sept., we've been unable to focus on us...because we've needed to stave off the accusers in all of our spare time. 

You've read Job, right?  Job was a righteous man.  Job was tested.  Job was down on the ground, in the dirt...literally.  He was shaken.  He was needing rest.  And relief.  And support.  And instead of help, for a very long time, his 'friends' came to him.  But, they came to question him, to accuse him, to say to him, "O.K., you must have sinned.  What did you do wrong?  What are you still doing wrong?" 

We have been on the receiving end of that since Sept.  I have been on the receiving end of that since 2012. 

I can tell you that I am just exhausted.  I can tell you that I'm just sooooo tired.  I literally feel like I've just been beaten to a pulp and left for dead.  I can tell you that, to experience stressors like that for so long...it can be very, very, very damaging...in every possible way, but including physically.  And it's true...my body is literally shutting down.

You do learn a lot when you go through a long crisis period though.  You learn what people are really like.  You learn who your true there-for-you friends are...you really do.  Not just the Facebook commenters, but the ones who really reach out to you and really love on you and really show care.  Which ones are still with you...and which ones are more the 'out of sight, out of mind' friends.  You learn, when you are constantly being accused in private, how very alone you can feel.  Completely and utterly and desolately alone. 

And you learn, when you can't depend on anyone else in the world, how much you can trust in and lean on God.

You learn how much you can fall in love with Him over and over again...and He can be trusted to never accuse you or blame you when you're down...to always love (the verb) you and to show it very sweetly and tenderly and kindly...to never abandon you or be an 'out of sight, out of mind' friend.  To always reach out to you, from the very first word you cry out, when you are on the ground.  He will always just meet you and take care of you...no matter what. 

To say that I've been feeling the accumulative effects of these past few years acutely recently is an understatement.  This past week we sent out two emails...and we pray that that is the last we will hear from any "Job's friends" in our lives.  We pray that we're able to move on without any other accusers coming our way.  And that we can finally start to focus on us and start to heal and move forward and get healthy and better. 

I heard a song recently.  It is mine and Jesus' new love song.  It's short and simple and I can't get enough of it.  It's perfect.

I wait in the rain but I don’t complain 'cause I wait for you

And I don’t feel pain, you’re like Novocaine, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

Time and again I thought that the end was just around the bend
But you showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and you got me

It was always you
It was always you

It was always you
It was always you

Joel. Michawn. {Part 6 - Egal, Comp, and Counsel}

So last time we talked about some of the specifics of how we were doing when we got back to the states the last day of May 2012, some of the things that were going on in our lives at that point, and how we reacted to/handled it all.  Joel had brought up, in his post, the fact that he was less-than-supportive (to put it mildly) and I went into the specifics of what that looked like and what that involved a little more in my last post. 

More of the specifics of things that happened over the course of the time from January 2012 until the present, January 2015 (3 years!) will be discussed further and documented here as we go along I'm sure.  But, as you can imagine, since Labor Day 2014…since Joel’s blinders were removed and he really was able to finally, for the first time, see the TRUTH of what had been going on…we’ve talked about it a good bit.  About how it all happened.  About how he got to the point where he thought, for instance, that it was ok to not listen to me and my cries for help when I needed a break from our whiplash pace and gypsy lifestyle, traveling here and there and participating in events and pack pack packing and go go going. 

He had never not listened to me before.  We had been the best team.  We had to be…otherwise we would’ve never been able to function in all the constant chaos-around-us and gypsy-ness which was our lives.  That requires really good communication…listening to each other and being aware of the needs that arose.  We were, again, a well-oiled machine. 

And then 2012 hit. 

How did it happen that I stopped being listened to?  How did it get to the point where my very real needs were not given any priority?  What belief system was in place that caused this to be more likely to happen as opposed to a different belief system?

That’s actually a very deep hole to go down.  I’m going to try to do this subject justice here.  The first point here revolves around a certain couple of events very specific to us...but many truths can be drawn from our experience that can pertain to anyone (preventing others from having a divisive effect on your marriage, for one thing).  But, my second point down below goes more into a theological discussion and how core beliefs and values, that you may not have even thought much about, can completely change your world and your life.  So, keep reading. 

Looking back, Joel is actually really baffled.  How on earth?  How did our relationship change?  How did HE change?  It IS baffling. 

But by digging deeper, we can see a couple of things that shaped this all into being basically a ‘perfect storm.’ 

1.  Joel had battled, unbeknownst to me, from January - July 2012, within himself and his desires about that other big event (which was mentioned in the last couple of blog posts) scheduled on the 2nd weekend of July vs. the Watermelon Festival that he had promised to me for years.  It was a difficult position to be in.  For all of us.  The other event was also a very important event, just like our finally getting to go to the festival as a family was, something that I had given up for Joel already two years prior, something that I had dreamed about for 30+ years…and this was literally our last shot to experience it with our children.  Joel, in 2010 (after I gave it up to do what was important to him), had promised the festival to me…”No matter what, the next time we're in the states in July, we will be there”…and then he re-promised in January 2012 after we found out the date of that other big event.  But again...that other event was very hard to miss.  So the point here is this:  the battle within him raged on.  As he said, he did some wrong things during those months…and tried to get out of his word to me.  He reached out to others.  And instead of encouraging unity and oneness with his spouse, they encouraged disunity…encouraged him continuously to try to get out of his word to me.  And that’s just wrong.  We all know that.  There were other extenuating circumstances involving this conflicting date that made it incredibly unfair for us to be expected to give up our plans for that date.  But, I won’t go into those. 

As you can see though, this was a point of contention.  I didn’t know anything about it honestly…that the contention was there.  The only thing I knew was that Joel had promised me a second time (all on his own accord…I had not asked for it) in January that we would be at the festival.  And I knew that it was a really sad thing for him (for ALL of us really, but esp. him) to give up that other big event.  I knew what that felt like, as I had done that two years prior, given up a very special big event.  And I definitely know what that feels like now…can’t even begin to count the things I’ve missed out on because of all of the mess of these past 3 years…weddings and special events and glorious memories and unfulfilled dreams, etc. etc.  But, I had no idea that he was talking to others about it.  That he was talking to and being encouraged by some of his 'mentors' to do whatever he could to back out of his word to me.  That he was so far down that path that he went behind my back and bought a plane ticket to the big event.  I had NO IDEA all of this was happening.  

So, we can see that for over 6 months already at that point (January - July 2012), disunity had been brewing.  And unfortunately, he had been receiving COUNSEL that promoted that disunity.  And eventually, because of this brewing and because of this counsel…it led into something that happened on a much, much deeper level.  And because of a certain set of beliefs, it all left Joel completely predisposed to the development of the wrong set of beliefs about our overall situation, and therefore his wrong attitudes and actions for the following 2 ½ years. 

2.  I don’t much like getting down deep into terms and categories, in general.  I hate to be put in a box.  I hate to put others in a box.  I’m much more of an ‘it’s this way, but let’s not label it’ kind of girl.  Much more of a go-with-the-flow, don’t-have-to-figure-it-out kind of girl.  An if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it type.  But guess what.  IT BROKE!!  Lol. 

So…we’ve been forced to look at it all.  To really dig deep.  What happened?!?  What about our lives and our beliefs and circumstances and backgrounds, on a deep-non-surface level, caused this? 

Have you ever heard the terms EGALITARIANISM and COMPLEMENTARIANISM?  Do you know what they mean?  What do each say about equality, for instance?

Egalitarianism says that all humans are equal.  Equal worth, equal value.  Not everyone has the same roles, obviously, but all are equal.

Complementarianism says that all humans are equal.  Equal worth, equal value.  Not everyone has the same roles, obviously, but all are equal.

The main ideas of each are basically the same on the surface level.  Let’s get into what each actually highlights.

Egalitarianism highlights that equality.  They hold to the belief that all people have equal responsibility to use their gifts and obey their calling to the glory of God; and all are called to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race. 

Complementarianism highlights the belief that men and women are equal, but they complement each other.  They have complementary roles.  They have roles of equal importance, but not the same roles.  They hold to the belief that certain roles between men and women, manifested in marriage, church leadership, and elsewhere, are biblically required.  In other words, there are certain roles that a woman will never be allowed to have, no matter what her giftings and no matter what she feels God is calling her to.  The same applies to men, although it is, in general, a much less limiting belief system for men. 

I had heard these terms before.  But had never really looked into these belief systems.  I knew that I believed in the equality of all, as each of these belief systems hold to.  I knew that I had mostly been a part of complementarian churches.  They weren’t churches who silenced women (although I have attended a church like that…where the women are literally not allowed to speak...those do exist too).  So, on the surface, in many ways, those churches I have been a part of seem very much equal.  Which is partly why I went to those churches.  And because honestly, the complementarian view was fine with me because I personally didn’t have any giftings or strong callings that fell under the category of ‘you can’t live those out here because you are a female.’  So I was never faced with having to dig deep.  And I was never faced with being uncomfortable and limited and not being able to do what I was called to do under this belief system.  Therefore, I never really investigated.  But, let’s investigate a bit…

What does egalitarianism look like in real life?  It sees male and female as truly equal.  If a woman feels the call to be a pastor, guess what?  She can become a pastor.  If there is a decision to be made, the woman’s opinion and answers are given equal weight as the man’s.  It’s just…equal.  That's the way it plays out within the church, within marriage, etc.  If a husband and wife are having a hard time reaching an agreement about something...they don't move until they both agree on something.  Practically speaking, that might involve a yielding on both parts (we call that compromise), or the wife might yield to the husband, or the husband might yield to the wife.  But, they don't move unless a mutual agreement on what to do has been reached.  That’s what egalitarianism looks like. 

And I thought that was basically what complementarianism looked like too…equal, esp. in marriage.  As far as being heard in general, I had never really run into or seen much trouble with that.  As far as roles in the church...I did know that in most of the churches I’d been involved in, women were not seen as ‘preachers’ or ‘pastors’…and if they are gifted in such a way as they would make great preachers, they are instead usually given the label ‘teachers’ so that they can, in fact, still use that gifting and others can benefit from that gifting.  Lol.  True statement.  Ha.  Or…in some of the more ‘modern’ complementarian circles, if ‘permission is granted’ to take on a certain role that is outside the roles traditionally considered acceptable for women, then that is ok.  And, for a woman to be a children's or ladies' pastor (although many times it's called 'minister' instead…that label is usually more acceptable for women)...being a minister over other women or children is generally accepted…because that is an acceptable gender role.  But, usually if there is a lady who shows herself to be gifted in a certain role that is generally a man’s role…and if that lady is given that role despite the fact that she is female…one of the things that I’ve most heard about a situation like that is ‘well, if the men of the church would actually step up, there wouldn’t be a need for women in these roles.’  So, it’s always seen as basically a female being in these positions by default…not by any genuine giftings or callings to be in that role regardless of what the men are doing. 

So what does complementarianism look like outside of the church...in marriage for instance?  These are a few of the tenets that are taught, that Joel and I were taught, under that belief system: 
1) a husband and wife are to submit to each other
2) a wife is to submit to and respect her husband
3) a husband is to lay down his life for his wife, just as Christ laid down His life for the church

These are the first 3 main things that are taught.  Now, #2 + #3 to me =s #1.  So, basically what all 3 together are saying is, submit to and respect each other.  In fact, the call of a husband in #3 seems even a bit more serious than #2.  Wives, yield to your husbands, but husbands…you lay down your very lives, just like Christ.

When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I was very anti-submission.  Very!!  But, why?  Because #3 was basically never mentioned.  What was told to me over and over and basically just harped on?  How I was called to be submissive.  When I got in a church that actually taught #3, a lot, and lived it out, a husband who was showing me so much respect that he would lay down his very life for me…that?...I wanted to submit to and follow and could respect.  Because it was all just a very clear picture of MUTUAL SUBMISSION…a picture of #1.  Not just me yielding, but both of us yielding.  And Him laying his life down for me.  I was already in love with and following Jesus, partly for that very reason.  How natural and easy to be in love with and follow a man who was acting in that very way.

And I found just that in Joel.

But, here’s the #4 that is also taught in that belief system:
4) ultimately, the man is the boss.  and ultimately, the man has the final say. 

And there it is. 

Let’s look at this a bit.  Where does #4 come from?  It is drawn from two passages of scripture in particular…1 Corinthians 11 and Ephesians 5.  We’ll dig deeper into each of these as we go along probably.  These passages cover many things.  But, one of the phrases found in each of these scripture passages (in most English translations) states that the husband is head over the wife.  Therefore, that is translated as 'the husband is boss.'

And the little caveat that has been taught as gospel right along with this over and over, although not actually stated in the Bible anywhere, is what I put there in #4…because 'man is boss,' then the man always ultimately has the final say.  If there is a disagreement about something and a resolution just cannot be reached, it is the man who has the final say.  All the other verses about the husband practicing mutual submission and about the husband laying down his life as Christ did...it is taught that those all go out the window whenever he deems that course of action is needed.  Because he is the boss.  And he has the final say. 

Joel’s leadership was very servant-like.  That is what drew me to him in the first place, so many years ago. 

Joel was very much a husband who practiced mutual submission and laying his life down.  We never even had to employ #4 there…never even came close.  An agreement was always reached...sometimes by me letting go of what I thought best, sometimes by him letting go of what he thought best.  We were a team.  We were ONE.  We flowed like buttah, baby.  :) 

And then we didn’t. 

And that’s where the existence of #4 can get really scary. 

Joel had zero understanding about what was really going on.  He was completely blinded and deceived.  His beliefs about what was going on (that I had become 'crazy,’ that I was being completely irrational by needing what I needed even though anyone the world over would not see those needs as irrational after all we had gone through, that I was depressed, that I had a disorder of some kind, that I was just being manipulative and controlling…and the list goes on and on because it changed several times throughout the years)...those beliefs led him to believe that we were incapable of working together.  That I was incapable.  That I was wrong in what I was needing, feeling, believing.  And, so #4 gave him the right to just take over. 

Not only did #4 exist for him...all of his complementarian counsel that he was getting said that he was dealing with a non-submissive wife.  And that he had to do what he felt best, no matter what.  He had to take over, he had to make decisions…he was in charge.  I was now out of the picture, unless I stopped being so (what was considered to be…) ‘uppity’ and totally non-submissive. His counsel told him that he had every right to move on and do things like take jobs and make financial decisions without consulting me…because I, after all, was living in sin and refused to move out of that sin. 

This counsel, by the way, was given by people who live far away, were nowhere near us or the situation, and never once reached out to ask me my side of the story.  But they definitely knew #4, and were willing to urge Joel to put that into practice. 

More next time…about this subject, about gender and roles in general, about counsel, about the church.  We have lots to talk about.

Joel. Michawn. {Part 5 - Yokes}

First of all, I have a disclaimer at the bottom about all of this.  But, I wanted to also start this out by saying this:  Nothing I say in these blogs are said with any kind of motive other than pure motives.  They are threefold really...1) first and foremost, to tell our story and focus not on the specific actions (although some of those have to be told in order to get to the lessons learned), but on the root issues behind those actions, which might at some point even help others, 2) this is the way I process things best...and that is needed after these years...processing through all of this, starting the process of healing, and 3) I was silenced for a long time...and now I have things to say...which is also very healing and very liberating. 

Joel said that although this is not easy for him, because honestly, it's embarrassing and he hates that all of this happened in the first place...but, if it 1) helps me to process and get to a good place/helps me turn it around and use it for good, and/or 2) helps any others along the way, then he doesn't want to hide it away...he wants it to be used.  I agree.  Otherwise, what a waste of a really crappy few years in our lives.  No, what the enemy meant for harm, we will use for good.  I hope that you remember that motive behind the following words as you read through this post. 

Also, the next blog post (which I have already written) starts to get into some real meat of some of the things we're learning through all of this.  So, I promise it's coming.  But, all of that has to be prefaced by all of this.  Again, not just 'airing our dirty laundry' (as some people would call this) for no purpose.  It's all just the set-up for some deeper level discussion about some deeper level issues and beliefs.  Just hold on and trust the set-up process.  :)  Now...on with the post...

Joel wrote the last ‘Joel. Michawn.’ blog post (our 4th installment in this series).  Since he did, I can now keep going with our story.  In the 2nd post, called ‘Detours,’ I talked about some of the major ‘Level 10 Traumas’ that we’ve faced in the past few years.  In the 3rd post, called ‘What Happened to Us,’ I gave a little picture of what our unstable lives had been like…and how by the time spring 2012 rolled around, I NEEDED to retreat from battle…I NEEDED a break, to rest, to recover, to heal.  Because...

As I’ve written about, giving many specifics already (so I won’t do that again here), our last year in Brazil was very, very hard.  I want to make it very clear that it had nothing to do with Brazil specifically.  Or living in a foreign country.  And it had nothing to do with missions specifically.  Or our work there.  We just faced a lot of other kinds of difficulties and challenges and trials. 

So, when we got back to the United States, all I wanted to do was do what we had committed to do those first two weeks back (teach in two different VBSs), then set up the house we were set to live in, and then do NOTHING but everyday life (homeschool, soak in family, and get some MAJORLY NEEDED R&R at the lake…literally let the land that God had raised me in provide healing).  I cannot stress enough how badly that was needed.

And then our last day in Brazil came.  We were finishing up packing.  And the news came that we would not be able to live in that house here in Louisiana that our friends had hoped would be ready for us. 

It was a blow.  But, the 6 of us were all packed, our house was all packed up so that others could live there, the plane tickets were bought, so off we went…not knowing where we would go on the other side. 

Long story short, what we foresaw and hoped would be two weeks of busy when we first got to the states, and then being able to settle in and relax, actually turned into a complete tornado of life.  We spent the next 3 weeks trying to figure out where to live.  We started the process of buying a house-turned-flower-shop at the end of that first month that had to be completely remodeled.  We were buying the house from a really good friend of mine (I had actually been a bridesmaid in her wedding).  We started the process and I spent almost all week with her doing stuff at the house.  She had a lot of stuff at the house that she was going to sell.  I went through it all first since we needed some stuff to set up life here.  Then she had a garage sale that weekend.  She went home from the garage sale that Saturday evening, and she died, completely unexpectedly…from a very rare issue stemmed from a heart condition she didn’t even know she had.  She was 41.

To say it was a very stressful, very mournful time would be quite the understatement. 

And this is where it started getting really, really hard marriage-wise.  This is why Joel had to tell his story from his point of view, so that it would be him admitting to and telling his story before I told the story in a bit more detail. 

Joel talked about in his blog post an event that he had promised me I would not have to miss again.  Since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved the Christmas season…but it’s Watermelon Festival week that has always been my most favorite time of the year.  It’s a festival my small town has every 2nd weekend in July.  The whole town comes together every evening during that week for activities…and the week ends with the big festival that Saturday.  It’s like a big town reunion really.  And everybody who lives here just LOVES it and so looks forward to it every year.  I’ve shared it with many people over the years…bringing back people from college, co-workers from the hospital where I worked after college, other friends throughout the years.  Many people close to me have been able to experience the Watermelon Festival with me. 

Except my own family.  I had grown up dreaming about the time I would have my own husband and children to share this with.  And as of 2012, that dream had still not been realized.  In 2010, we were finally here in the states in July and the kids were the perfect ages to really get it and enjoy the activities and participate.  But, Joel asked me to give it up so that we could head out and do something that was important to him.  He promised me that it would never happen again.  And that the next time we were in the states during the summer, we would make the Watermelon Festival happen.  I hesitantly, and very sadly, agreed.  We pulled out of town as they were literally beginning the first night’s activities that year. 

Then came 2012.  There was another big event that was special to Joel (special to all of us) that, again, fell on the same date as the Watermelon Festival.  Even though it had been relayed ahead of time that we wouldn’t be able to make it to that special event if it was set for that date because it had already been set in stone that we would be making it to the Watermelon Festival that year (because for us specifically in our lives, the festival might be held annually, but we were never here annually; and if we didn’t make it to the festival that year, my dream of experiencing it with my children as actual children would be gone)…we let that be known, but that big event was still scheduled on the Watermelon Festival date. 

We had known about that decision since January 2012, but it developed into an incredibly tense and hard issue.  Add on to that the tornado we’d been thrown into concerning housing.  And then, we lose Melinda. 

We lost her on the Saturday night before Watermelon Festival week.  We buried her that Wednesday.  At some point in the days between her death and her burial, Joel told me that he had bought an airline ticket to the conflicting big event (done totally and completely behind my back), and that he’d be breaking his word to me, and leaving early Friday morning. 

So, when he says things like, "I still continue to try to grasp the horribleness and devastation I brought about to my marriage and family by my mindset and actions these last years,” as he did in his blog post, it’s a very true statement.  Because as he also said, we had functioned "like a well-oiled machine" for basically our first 11 years.  These actions that were starting to show up at the beginning of 2012 that were, quite honestly, devastating to our family, were coming from a man that I didn’t even recognize. 

And those kinds of actions continued constantly from then on out. 

In the end, after a completely sleepless Thursday night of wrestling (with me, and with himself), Joel didn’t go.  But it was very definitely one of the first signs of a major breakdown in our relationship. 

We look back on that time and wonder, what happened?  That whole first year back in the states I kept thinking, ‘He’s going to snap out of this.  This is not the man I married.  We’ve always been friends, we’ve always worked so well together, we’ve always been a team.’  So, I really just kept thinking it would be over soon…something would click with him eventually. 

At first, I thought that it would happen when we finally got moved into the house.  We worked non-stop on it, 12-13 hr. days.  We started the week after Watermelon Festival, mid-July.  And we moved in the first week of October.  Even though he had asked me if we could all drive to New England and back for a trip during early August.  And even though he had asked me if we could go to a training in SW Texas in mid-August.  And even though he asked if he could go on a week-long mission trip to Costa Rica in September (which he actually did do).  All of these requests being made during the craziness of trying to get into a house of our own so that we could actually unpack our suitcases for the first time since May…even then I thought that surely he was just stressed and that was how he handled it.  He would relax and let me relax and recover once we got in our house.

But, that never happened.  The requests to travel and go about a 'normal' furlough never ceased.  And he immediately got busy with the business of a normal furlough schedule…visiting churches, going to trainings and conferences, etc.  And dragging us along.

So, the whole first year, like I said, I had truly thought that maybe it would click for him eventually.  My need for rest and relaxation and a healing time was not going anywhere until that need was met. 

But, by the end of that first year, it became very clear that not only was it not clicking, and not only was I not going to get my healing time anytime soon…it was just getting worse and worse and worse by the day.  Because instead of getting that break and healing time, I was being continuously pressured to just keep moving along.

The Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked.  That means that it is wise to be equally paired up in your marriages.  Not equal as in the same (because no two people are the same, obviously), but equally paired.  Look at this picture…

If these two oxen were unequally paired, and therefore unequally yoked, then there would be some major problems.  They would not be functional at all.  They would not be able to function as a team.  They would not be able to do the task they are needed to do. 

Being equally yoked means that you are both moving in the same direction in life…you have unified goals and visions. 

And that’s the way we were.  For the first 11 years.  We were equally yoked, with the same goals and visions, with the same pace even. With the same rhythm, the same strength, the same flow.

But then this ole ox got pretty beat up by that pace and by the things that just continued to come our way.  That pace and the particular trials we went through and the demands of our lifestyle happened to usually affect me more and demand more out of me (this particular ox in the yoke) to be honest.  Who was it that always did all the packing, for five people, for every single trip we made?  Who was it that did all of the setting up of houses, making each house a home?  Who was it that was responsible for keeping the kids homeschooled, no matter what chaos we found ourselves in?  Who was it that had babies that died inside of her?  Who was it that had to physically deliver those babies and physically recover from those tragedies?  And the list of questions goes on and on, but the answer to those questions is ‘me.’  So, no wonder this ox started to falter, started to stumble along the path.  No wonder this ox needed recovery and healing and a break.  RESPITE. 

And here’s where it all went wrong.  (Please remember as you read the rest of this paragraph that there is a point to all of this, a 'moral of the story.')  But...instead of my teammate, that other ox that was yoked to me, stopping…that other ox just kept going.  Instead of him recognizing that his yoke-mate needed to pause, he insisted that a pause wasn’t necessary.  He continued to trudge along, dragging that already-beaten down ox along the gravel, causing even more damage.  Even getting irritated that that ox thought a pause was necessary.

Please hear me when I say that I reveal all of this NOT to make Joel sound bad.  Believe me when I say that he now knows and sees all of this for what it was.  Which is why he could write that blog post that he did.  He was blinded by wrong beliefs, and also by others’ very wrong counsel.  But, through that all, a lot has been revealed to us…and we’ve learned a lot.

And THAT is why this is all talked about.  Oh boy, do I have lots to say about marriage.  And about being yoked.  And about belief systems concerning both of those issues. 

But, this is getting long, so I’ll wait until next time to get into those things.  But, more about the yoke and belief systems in general concerning marriage next time.