The Truth of What Was Said and Done to Me

Easter

Our last happy Easter together as a family, before the betrayal, lies, and abuse started.

What a beautiful family and life he discarded so easily. SO easily.

Education, friends...that is what abusers do. They discard people...easily. They don't fight for the people they claim to love...they demand their entitled way, and then if that is not successful, they lie and walk away.

Just a picture of what he had, and what he threw away because he prioritized himself and his family of origin.

If that doesn't make sense to you, join the club. It doesn't make sense. What abusers do doesn't make sense.

Taught to Abuse

When Joel first became unhappy with me and the promise (he had made to me all on his own without me asking), his instinct, his first action, was not to come to me and talk with me about it like a grown adult in a marriage relationship of 11 happy years.  Instead, he went to his parents and complained about me, badmouthed me, and lied about me.  He continued to do that, adding in his siblings, for months before I even knew that there was a problem.  He didn't come to me.  He went elsewhere.  

That is HIGHLY problematic.  It is incredibly immature and it doesn't make any sense (we'd never had a problem working things out between us...why did he go to them and keep me in the dark about there even being a problem?).   It is also the epitome of wrong in a marriage.  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  He had stopped cleaving to me (if he ever really did) already...even before I knew anything was wrong.  

Sadly, they didn't say to him, "Son, you need to cleave to your wife.  Does she know that you are coming to us and saying bad things about her?"  Or, "Brother, have you tried to work this out with her?  Have you been completely honest with her?  Or are you coming to us without her even knowing that anything is wrong?"  

Instead, you can read here about what happened initially, and the catastrophic events that kept happening regarding his family, one after the other, for years (and it continues to this day).

It is sad and wrong that Joel's #1 priority was his family of origin, that he sought to please them first and foremost.  It is sad and wrong that he always did whatever they said.  But, if his father (Joel's primary mentor; who he sadly listens to most in this world) had at least had a good theology and belief system regarding marriage, maybe we would have had a fighting chance.  Instead, as you can see, he taught the opposite of what is healthy in marriage.  He told Joel to leave me, to abandon me, to not meet my needs, and to focus on what he wanted.  He told Joel that no matter what, I was supposed to follow him.  He told Joel that it was my fault that all this was happening, and that I had given myself over to the devil.  

Do you know what you call not meeting a loved one's needs, neglecting them, and choosing to continue to hurt them when you've been told that you are causing them extreme pain?  That's called abuse.  

Joel chose to abuse me.  But, not only that...he was taught to abuse me.  

The following needs to be taught from the rooftops. 

THE CHURCH HAS TO CHANGE!!  The false theology is destroying families!!

Read this, learn, grow, change, and teach it to everyone around you.

From Patrick Weaver Ministries...

Dear Abuser,

Once a man abuses a woman, he is immediately disconnected from God…”His prayers are hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). I know, somebody is going to ask, “What about women who abuse men?” I didn’t say that women don’t abuse men or that women get a free pass, I’m specifically talking to men. You see, the church routinely subjects women to false theology that obligates them to submit to their abusive husbands — contrary to God’s word.

This false theology disregards the fact that when the Bible refers to submission in a marriage it isn’t speaking to abusive husbands, and secondly, divine submission is reciprocal, and it is evidenced by behavior that deeply and profoundly respects Christ: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The lie that women are often told is that submission is one-way — from a wife to a husband, and submission is Godly even if the husband’s behavior is ungodly. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.

Toxic patriarchy has so confused the abused, misled the mistreated and ostracized the oppressed, that abuse victims, women, are often led to believe that God ordained their suffering at the hands of an abuser, and that submission to an abuser is their Godly responsibility…their good Christian duty. Another patriarchal lie from the pit of hell.

Your abuse is not your wife’s portion, purpose or God’s plan. Her relationship with God is superior to her relationship with you. Honoring God by guarding her temple is superior to tolerating your abuse. And let’s be clear, you are not submitted to your wife as the Bible tells you to be if you are abusing her. Your submission is clearly required (Ephesians 5:21), and the behavior that evidences your submission is clearly defined by God: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29). There is no way that God’s covenant instructions for a husband agree with any kind of abuse of a wife — emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. How in the heck can abuse agree with, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”?

I’m speaking to men, specifically, because men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that an abusive wife is a godly wife. Men have never been told by toxic patriarchy that a wife who abuses her husband is to be tolerated, placated, or “submitted” to. Men in the church have never been told that a godly wife can also be an abuser. Men in the church are taught: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4), and, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9).

See, the toxic, false patriarchal teaching that is so rampant in the church concerning God’s will and word regarding an abusive husband creates an unholy imbalance of power, which has aided you, the abuser, in believing that God gives you authority to be your wife’s Pharaoh — as opposed to the responsibility to love her as Christ loves the church.

Her Savior is her example of how she’s supposed to be loved and treated in a marriage…”Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.” At no time did Christ abuse the church. It’s not her job or calling to fix you. It’s not her assignment to love you more or to submit more to stop you from abusing her. The reward for abuse is not a wife. The reward for abuse, is you being removed from her life.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We went over and over this with Joel in counseling.  Over and over this.  For years.  We talked with him about this concept of the stories we tell ourselves.

After so many years, the evidence of the truth was clear...and our counselor (and others) tried to help him to see the TRUTH instead of the 'story he was making up.'  He had zero evidence for the stories he told himself and others.  He still has zero evidence.  Yet, he tells the same stories...and people just believe him (until they talk to me and see the evidence; yet it's rare that someone actually talks to me and seeks out truth).  

Two things:  

1.  Something that happened our last Christmas in Brazil (we had just gotten some really bad news at that time, so it was already a hard time for me) came up the other day...Christmas 2011.  I had JUST unwrapped a gift from my aunt.  It was beautiful, and I had just gotten a glance at it when the kids got too rambunctious and broke it.  I got understandably upset.  Now, that kind of upset doesn't look like some of the 'upset' from some people I know...there was no yelling, no hitting, no cussing, no none of that.  But, I was upset, and I let the kids know that I was upset by just using my words.  It wasn't pretty and tidy and 'happy.'  What did Joel do?  He was about to stop our video camera (we recorded all of our Christmas mornings) and erase that part.  Hadley, esp., remembers that incident, but she didn't remember that Joel part.  I told that part the other day when it came up and she was like, "Whoa, foreshadowing."  I told him then..."Look, I'm upset.  But, we'll get through it, it will be resolved, and we don't have to hide real life from our videos.  It's fine.  Why would you want to erase that?"  Hadley's absolutely right...major foreshadowing.

A decade of that same sort of behavior.  And then...

2.  Skip to Christmas this past year, just a month ago...the week of Christmas 2021.  He posted about the girls.  Each of them commented on his post...comments that told the truth about how they feel, comments that were NOT flattering to him or the image that he fights to protect at all costs.  What did he do?  He hid his daughters' comments.  He silenced them on his page.  It didn't line up with what he wants the world to think of him.  It didn't line up with what he himself thinks of himself.  So...he erased it.  He erased their words and their feelings and their thoughts.  He acted like it never happened, like he never read those words.  And then he continued to ask our counselor to ask the girls how they really feel and help him to understand them (as if the girls and our counselor haven't already told him these things, and tried to help him understand for years already).  He REFUSES to actually hear and take in the things he doesn't want to hear...the things that don't align with the image he has of himself.

It's what he does.  He is so committed to the image that he has of himself, and the stories he tells himself, he has lost EVERYTHING.  Everything.  

Brené Brown's 'number one life hack' for lasting relationships:
https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8?fbclid=IwAR0PzuGb1uAy3nHNhm3LP_ZzeYmq6BlZPt-2JpulKonmSv4zppwjZIPUt60

  

Why Do You Believe Him...With Zero Evidence?

(Português abaixo)

I heard someone close to Joel say, just yesterday, that I was his best friend, the perfect person for him, and that they too thought I was just an amazing girl...until I developed that mental illness.  

Actually, this was the direct quote:  "Joel and Michawn were perfect for each other before she became crazy.  Michawn was an amazing person, before this mental illness entered her head."  

While I know that he has people convinced that I am not just 'crazy' in the layperson's way of saying it, but that I literally have been diagnosed with a mental illness...it's just still so unbelievable to hear it.  And these people have just taken him at his word.  

It's like our counselor says to him over and over again, "Joel, just because you have convinced yourself that something is true doesn't make it true.  Where is your evidence?  Show us your evidence for what you say."  Never once has he presented any evidence for *anything* he claims, including this mental illness claim.  

The way this person said what they said yesterday, so nonchalantly, so matter of fact, like me having a mental illness was just FACT and what ruined our marriage/family...like it was understood by everyone and nobody had ever refuted that claim or questioned it...truly baffling.

But also, the question I always come back to...

If I did have a mental illness, Joel and his family's answer was to just abandon me?  Their answer was to talk bad about me?  What happened to the vows that say we're supposed to love in SICKNESS and in health?  I *was* sick...physically...and needed to be taken care of.  But, they didn't believe me or want to do that.  So, they made up this mental illness story.

If they are actually people who follow Jesus, how would any of this be ok with them?  

People who might read this who are still believing this story that I am 'crazy'...why do you believe that?  Where is your evidence?

----------------------

Eu ouvi alguém próximo a Joel dizer, só ontem, que eu era melhor amigo do Joel, a pessoa perfeita para ele, e que essa pessoa também achavam que eu era uma garota incrível...até que eu desenvolvi essa doença mental.

Na verdade, a citação direta foi: "Joel e Michawn eram perfeitos um para o outro antes de ela ficou doida. Michawn era uma pessoa ótima, antes dessa loucura entrou na cabeça dela."

Embora eu saiba que ele tem as pessoas convencidas de que eu não sou apenas 'louca' na maneira informal de dizer isso, mas que eu literalmente fui diagnosticado com uma doença mental...ainda é tão inacreditável ouvir isso. E essas pessoas acabaram de acreditar em sua palavra.

É como se nossa conselheira lhe dissesse repetidamente: "Joel, só porque você se convenceu de que algo é verdade não significa que seja verdade. Onde está sua evidência? Mostre-nos sua evidência para o que você diz." Nunca uma vez ele apresentou qualquer evidência de *qualquer coisa* que ele afirme, incluindo essa alegação de doença mental.

A maneira como essa pessoa disse o que disse ontem, tão despreocupadamente, tão de fato, como se eu tivesse uma doença mental era apenas FATO e o que arruinou nosso casamento/família...como se fosse entendido por todos e ninguém jamais refutou essa afirmação, ou questionou...realmente desconcertante.

Mas também, a pergunta que eu sempre volto...

Se eu tivesse mesmo uma doença mental, a resposta do Joel e família dele era simplesmente me abandonar? A resposta deles foi falar mal de mim? O que aconteceu com os votos que dizem que devemos amar na DOENÇA e na saúde? Eu *estava* doente...fisicamente...e precisava de cuidados. Mas, eles não acreditaram em mim ou querem fazer isso. Então, eles inventaram essa história de doença mental.

Se eles são realmente pessoas que seguem a Jesus, como isso seria bom para eles?

As pessoas que podem ler isso que ainda estão acreditando nessa história de que eu sou 'louca'...por que você acredita nisso? Onde está sua evidência?

We MUST Live in Truth...We Must

This comment was left on one of Joel's posts.  For those of you who know Portuguese, wow.  Whoever this person is...they're pissed.  I don't personally agree with all that they say, but some do.  If you don't know Port. and want to know what it says, stick it in Translator.  I won't be translating it here.

But, that doesn't even matter all that much.  The moral of this story is Joel's responses.  You will notice the same exact pattern, the same pattern that has happened every single day of my life since 2012. Accusations, blame, lies upon lies upon lies, the twisting and distortion of truth.

And then truth spoken and defended, thank God (pay close attention to our counselor's words; words that Joel has been told in order to try to help him for years).  

Truth is paramount.  It must be defended.  Truth must win.  So, we will just keep proclaiming it and defending it...and hopefully more and more people will see the truth in this situation, and join us in defending it.  

Other Voices...Will You Listen? Will You Care?

Nobody has ever really heard from my girls personally.  And of course none of the people who blindly support Joel have asked them their thoughts or feelings, or sought anything out from them at all.  The girls OFTEN say, "What about us?  What do these people think about us...about how we feel and think?  Do they just not care?"  

They saw the post their father made about them.  And, they've left things alone and not commented or talked on other things.  But, this was different.  It was about them specifically.  They wanted to comment and put their voices out there...so they did.

He responded by silencing those voices.  He responded by deleting their words and saying in his best politician font that he wanted to resolve this in a healthy manner with our counselor...which we have already tried to do many times with him over the years.  He knows what will be said...he never listens or cares enough to do what is needed.  But, he wanted to save face there on his post. There's been no more communication since.  

As someone said, "So sad that he is more worried about how people perceive him than the feelings of his daughters."  

What did he post next?  A joke.  A funny meme. 

This is who he is. This is apparently what his followers (who include people who used to be MY friends and family) like...and they don't seem to see a thing wrong with it. He comments after his daughters bare their souls on his post with a blanket "We'll handle this with our counselor in a healthy manner"...and then he posts a joke, like nothing in the world is wrong in his life. The people who are in his life (the ones who abandoned me and my kids) apparently see nothing wrong with that. They prefer it.

How is this so?  

Do you even care?  Maybe you hate me, but how can you abandon and dismiss the kids?